Lights through Glass and Rain - Me, circa 2024
So, it's been a minute. I was in a dark place. Had to claw back out of it. After the vertigo kicked in, in more-than-full force, mind you, I finally figured out that my vitamin D was significantly low, so I'm nearly a month in on taking 5000 to 10,000 whatever measurements they are per day, and things are SORT OF on the uptick, but I'm sure I could use a visit to the doc. I'll get there eventually, get all my levels of things checked out, make sure I haven't poisoned myself with near-daily infusions of tuna salad, etc.
What weighs more heavily on my mind though is all the things. Stress and heartache abounds, and I'm clearly not capable of dealing with it in any sort of productive manner, so I just shut down. Ignore it and it'll go away mode, if you will. Why talk about things that will not change?
However, in listening to someone talk about that all important self care, they mentioned what happens to people who hold everything inside, or who aren't allowed to express their feels. Makes perfect sense, because I watched it happen to my dad, and he's no longer here to say anything. I've spent decades being ignored, hung up on, gaslit, and made to feel less than.
I can't do it anymore.
I want all this crap out of my head, so it doesn't continue eating me alive.
Let's preface to say that I'm a fully flawed and fucked up human. As a manner of coping with the things I could not control, I did things that made me feel in control, and things I'll never condone or be proud of. I was in a place of feeling like no matter how good a person I was, no matter how much I did for anyone, no matter how faithful or honest I was, it was never going to be enough, so I said fuquitol, and just did what I did.
I don't know how to make up for the things I chose to do, but I'll figure it out eventually.
Let's also preface to say that I own my own shit, but I'm not going into the gory details about it, or about anyone else.
It's been a long and particularly fucked-up road I've traveled being what is commonly known as a parent. I allowed people to make me believe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not good enough. I don't know. All I know is I have regrets, and I am powerless to reverse time, or any damage I did along the way.
I also know that what I THOUGHT I knew I didn't really know at all. My firstborn has been really no more than a stranger, and now refuses to speak to me at all, and I don't know what to do about that, since there are thousands of miles between us, and I have essentially been deleted. I THOUGHT I raised someone with an open mind; someone who could listen to more than their own belief system, and maybe not agree with it, but not go full (*&$^%) and demand agreement. Anything other than what they wanted to hear was deemed bigoted, idiotic, phobic, ignorant, and selfish.
Even talking about it in this manner would be deemed as making it all about myself, when none of it has to do with me.
Cool.
Their last words to me: "Have a nice life, Deb."
Not mom, not "I need some time to think," just slammed that door shut, deleted me, blocked me, lost my number, etc.
None of my feelings, none of my fears, none of my concerns matter. What else is new?
People really lose their shit when you refuse to tolerate their disrespect.
To that child:
If you choose to believe what everyone else says about me, rather than get to know ME, that's your choice, and your loss. If you choose to believe what some internet cult tells you over the love of your parents, that's your choice and your loss.
I'm well aware that you don't need me. I'm well aware that I'm an embarrassment to you. I'm well aware that you've been told that I'm an example of how NOT to be. I'm well aware that I've never measured up.
I'm sorry you were so cursed to have me as your mother. I'm sorry I didn't give you everything you thought you needed while I was busy giving you the freedom to choose, the freedom to think for yourself, and not trying to shove my own agenda down your throat.
I'm sorry that having my own thoughts and feelings is offensive to you. I am NOT sorry that I chose to speak my mind, that I chose NOT to walk on eggshells, or have you micromanage my every word.
You do you, and by all means, have the nicest, best life ever.
I'm done. I'm no longer a doormat for anyone. I take it as a life lesson when I see that someone doesn't care. I take it as a sign that I'm not in the right place, and I move on.
The time has come to stop worrying about what anyone else is doing, and focus on being the best me I can. I have probably said that more times than I can count, but maybe now is the time that I mean it. I mean, if you say it enough, it will eventually be true, right?
I'm not a witch, but if I said how I truly feel out loud, here on the internets, sure as shit, there'd be a witch hunt. I ain't doin' it.
Everyone is free to make their own choices, and I'm free to make my own choices, and never the twain have to meet.
In a world full of memes, be your own fucking billboard.
(I still love memes, though)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I just want to live what life I have left to the fullest, and without worrying what anyone else thinks about it. I cannot control what anyone else thinks, does, or says. I can only control me, and going forward, that's what I am doing.
xo