The Only Thing I Resolve to Do in 2021

 I learned a long time ago that resolutions are as futile as resistance. It's like painting a picture of all the things you won't ever accomplish. If you want to get stuff done,  you have to believe you can, and then get the f-word out of your own way.  

Therefore, 2021 is all about continuing to get out of my own way. It really does come down to mind over matter. 

Happy New Year!  

2021: The Moment I Jumped Off ...

 

What better way to start off a new collection of days than to sum up what's working, what needs a little help, and what I want to do to create my best reality.  I found this list of "50 Questions to Help You Find Your Best Self," probably somewhere on Pinterest. In the interest of some semblance of brevity, however, I'm going to whittle this down to the most relevant questions I see for ringing in the newest year. 

1. What do I love about my life? 

 All of it. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love all the non-human kids, mammals, and aquatic beings alike. I love our home. I love knowing that everything is always working out, and that I have complete control over where I go next, and what I do. 

2. When am I the happiest version of me? 

When I focus on where I want to be instead of where I am. I am happiest when I can be around animals, or just be at home, doing what I want to do, and not letting the outside world dictate my mood. 

3. What do I love doing? 

I love listening to music, and moving. I love watching animals, in person, or via some media. I love making art. I love drawing. I love singing when I think no one is listening. I love being outside when spring arrives, and seeing, feeling, and smelling everything coming back to life. I love laughing. I love seeing, hearing, or reading things that overwhelm me with fascination or joy. 

4. What steps am I taking to reach my goals? 

Believing. Keeping my mind open to all the possibilities, whether I can see them right now, or not. 

5. What makes me upset? 

Mostly myself forgetting that I choose, in every minute of ever day how I respond to the world around me. I get upset that I don't have better control of my focus. 

6. How can I add to my happiness? 

By subtracting negatives. This past year has taught me that turning towards what brings me joy is 10,000 percent more powerful than seeing and hyper-focusing on what is wrong, sad, bad, etc. When I pay attention to the things that make me excited, or happy, or inspired, I feel absolutely amazing. 

7. What are five things I love about myself? 

1. My strength
2. My sense of humor
3. My intelligence
4. My eyes
5. My ability to let things go

8. What are three negative mindsets I need to let go of? 

1. That I can't do something, so I'll just give up
2. The past
3. Focusing too much on the outside world

9. How can I love myself more, daily? 

By knowing that I have the power to create my best life, and no matter what happens, I am in the right place, at the right time, either getting what I want, or learning from my mistakes. By knowing that I am a magnificent being, and worth every ounce of my self appreciation. 

10. What are five things that make me smile?

1. My husband, and my family of assorted animals
2. Elephants
3. Beluga whales
4. A good workout
5. Art, and high fashion

11. What is my number one goal for 2021? 

Getting better at controlling my own energy, and focus. Everything is working out. 

12. If I could be anything at all, what would I be? 

An elephant keeper and artist/designer/photographer

13. If I could travel anywhere, where would I go? 

Kenya, to see my baby Roho, and the other elephants, to Venice, and to Sedona to the vortices. 

14. What are three positive things I should be doing?

1. Recognizing, and appreciating all the perfect things in my life, every day, multiple times a day
2. Learning new things
3. Appreciating myself, for the entirety of my being

15. What are three things I need to do more of? 

1. Moving
2. Traveling
3. Learning

16. What am I grateful for? 

Everything. You may balk at that, but even the negatives are there to show me what I'm doing wrong, and what I would rather be doing. There's not enough digital space to list every single thing.  I think it's best summed up here: 

17. What do I need more of? 

Patience. Breath. Practice. 

Maybe it says more about me in what I chose not to answer? I've spent the majority of this life living in a past that didn't do much of anything for me but get me to this point. Some questions are just kind of repetitive and filler, but most of them are just not relevant to me. 

1. What do I feel like my life is missing and how can I get more of what I need?
2. Where do I want to be in 5 years?
3. Who are the people in my life that make me the happiest?
4. What am I afraid to do?
5. Can I improve on any of my daily habits?
6. Am I doing all that I can to reach my goals?
7. What areas of my life can I improve in?
8. What will I accomplish next year?
9. How can I improve my daily routines?
10. What is one piece of advice I’d give my future self?
11. What can I do to practice more self care throughout the week?
12. What steps can I take to be the most confident version of myself?
13. How can I show others more love and compassion each day?
14. Who makes me the happiest?
15. If I could relive one moment what would it be?
16. If I could time travel where would I go?
17. How would I describe a perfect day?
18. How would I describe my ideal life?
19. What is most important to me?
20. If I would describe myself, what would I say?
21. If my friends were to describe me, what would they say?
22. How can I create more positive habits?
23. What are 3 things I need to stop doing?
24. What’s on my mind right now?
25. What are the top 25 things on my bucket list?
26. Who inspires me the most and why?
27. When was the last time I laughed until I cried?
28. What do I forgive myself for?
29. What am I leaving in the past?
30. What do I want to take with me into the future?
31. What are my top priorities?
32. Is there something I need to change that might be holding me back?
33. What are my goals for next month?

I have filled blogs, and journals, and writings full of the negatives, and my negative perceptions. I've also eliminated them. Given the finite amount of time we have on this planet, why spend anymore time than is absolutely necessary on that which is so painful, negative, hateful, or disgusting? There's no reason to. It solves nothing.  

This is most likely the only day I will wax all philosophical and stuff. Enjoy :) 

Knowing What I Do Want

Wearing a bright shiny "Hello My Name is " overflowing with all that I used to be is not what I am about. There is no wallowing. There is no constant rehashing. There is no shoulda-woulda-coulda or what-ifness. Everything that came before showed me precisely what I do want, and definitively what I don't want. 

These are the things that I positively know that I want: 

• I want to be free to just be me
• I want to be comfortable in my skin suit
• I want energy
• I want laughter
• I want curiosity
• I want inspiration
• I want art
• I want color
• I want sounds
• I want movement
• I want the body that will take me to all the places I want to go
• I want the body that will allow me to move how I want to move
• I want to see the beautiful in myself

Everything I want is wholly within my reach. I have chosen to let a lot of things go, and though some other things still bother me, I can see them fading. I recognize that I am choosing to see things in a different light. I am choosing to move forward. I am choosing things that make me happy. 

So many things have changed this year. So many things have been clarified this year. Though I choose not to live in the past, I can look back and see all the many times when I did get exactly what I wanted because I believed I could have those things, and I allowed them to happen. I can also see the things that never saw the light of day because I overthunk them to death. No matter now, because everything is right where it should be, and everything is working out.  

I cannot begin to adequately describe to you what happens when you take control of your focus, your thoughts, and you choose what to let in, versus what to avoid/ignore/forget about. I can't begin to explain the way the chains break and fall away when you stop worrying about what other people think, and you start to focus only on what YOU think. 

I have found my why. I am learning every day to get better at sifting out the unwanted. I am learning everyday that what I want will happen all in due time, and mostly when I will believe, and then get out of my own way. 

I have discovered that I love smiling, and I love laughing. My focus this year has honestly NOT been on what IS, and in the few instances when I did focus on what IS, it made me miserable. My focus has been on the possibilities. Nothing is perfect, including me. I slip. I have moments of anxiety, anger, fear, et cetera. It is all about try, and try again. Practice makes near perfect. 

For now, I know what I want, and that's good enough. 

Knowing is Knowing. Doing is Doing. Believing is Key.

 

I spent a good year learning what I know about keto. Before that, I learned about vegetarianism, and veganism. Before that, there was cutting dairy, and cutting out diet pop. Before that, that lovely Six Week Body Makeover. You get the picture. 

Since then, I've spent most of my time ignoring what I learned, and doing whatever I wanted, regardless of the outcome. That went well ...

I don't regret any of it. All of it helped me know what I do want, and what I don't want. 

What I know: 

• I have triggers. Anxiety is the biggest. 
• I have a predetermined list of things that I use for self-sabotage. Comfort foods, if you like. 
• I must have exercise. A 100% sedentary life is causing my body to randomly revolt. 
• I can do whatever I choose. I can absolutely do whatever I put my mind to. 

What I do: 

• Fluctuate. Mostly daily. Sometimes, hourly. 
• Work a "desk" job. 
• Try, try, and try again. 
• Educate myself. 

What I believe: 

• This too shall pass.
• Everything is fine. 
• Everything is working out. 
• There is value and knowledge in every decision, and its outcome. 

Other things I randomly know about myself, and the world around me include the fact that tracking macros, and food journals are the biggest waste of time I've ever experienced. I tried that level of micromanagement. All it did was make me obsessive, and frustrated. NOT the optimal way of living. Another key factoid about life - excuses and blame are placeholders for the day when you finally decide to be 100% responsible for how your life is playing out. Probably the most basic truth I know is this: if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. 

Things that aren't right for me: 

• Veganism eating
• Carnivore (meat only) eating
• Holding on to upsetting things (fights, words, events) 
• Daily self-comfort-medicating. 

Things that are right for me: 

• Self-appreciation
• Focusing on things that give me joy and satisfaction
• Exercise
• Keeping an open mind to all the possibilities

I am not here to hash, rehash, and generally beat to death my past choices. They were what they were, and now is now. I now know that I create my own reality. I choose what I let in to my headspace. I choose what I put into my chewhole. I choose whether I move or not. Simple. 

I believe in me. 

This is my now. 

Round, and Around, and Around, and A Round Two

 It's been a bit over three years now since I was last at this point. So much has changed, in terms of life, in terms of my state of mind, in terms of everything. All I have is this moment, and this moment is what I am taking advantage of. 

I had a blog. I faithfully updated several times a week for a while, then it dwindled down to nothing. I deleted that blog because I'm not here to examine, and re-examine my past. I'm here because I like the process of writing, and thinking, and planning, and creating, and looking forward to what comes next. 

While I haven't developed the capacity to be 100% self-appreciative, I am no longer wallowing in self-loathing. I know now that this life is 10,000% about choices. It's about knowing that everything is always working out, and we get to create the reality we want to live in. Doesn't matter what's going on anywhere else in the universe. What matters is what I choose right now, here, for me. 

Again, I'm not going backwards. I know what I left back there, and the more I leave it there, the better I can be now.  

As the magnificent Nina Simone put it, I am feeling GOOD! 

This is where I am now: 

                                                                           215

I'm not necessarily proud of that number, but I also know that no matter what, I will get to where I want to be:     

                                                                           135

When I'm ready. When I put my mind to it, it will happen. You know, since it's just a number, that number up there, let's even go with a more random number:

                                                                           127

Everything is good. What has been has been. What is, is. I'm getting ready to create my best me. It's perfectly okay to live a life where I'm not constantly reviewing the past. It's equally fine to just do me, and focus on what is important in whatever moment I'm at. 

I am ready.  

I am here. 

Everything is working out. 

I am right where I need to be. 

I am happy where I am. 

I am proud of the things I've accomplished. 

I look forward to all the things I have yet to discover about myself, about life, about everything. 

Let's do this.