On Living, Dying, Building Furniture, and Faux Sugar

 

Everything is not always as it appears. 

There is no blue in this room.

I've not been in the most stellar of moods. It's been a week. A busy week. I can't believe this is already Thursday night. I don't know where the time has gone. Things are about to change again. That's the only real constant, right? 

Some people are dying. Others are dying to forget their entire past including their name. Some are trying to move forward despite what anyone else thinks. Some have found what they want. Some have not. Me, I feel like the post in the middle of a merry-go-round, watching it all spin out of control around me. 

Some houses are old. Some are new. Some are worn. Some are through. 

I'm just making up groups of words until I figure out how to say what I have to say without saying too much or not enough. 

Meanwhile, let's move on to the mundane. 

I fucked up. 

I decided it'd be a good idea to consume Crystal Lite again. Peach Tea to be exact. I was mistaken. Not only is it wreaking havoc on my blood sugar levels, it's not been all that kind to my skin either. 

Time for a change. I had the last of it this morning, and then switched back to water with fresh lemon juice and a bit of stevia. 

I've also been hitting the fried onions, and my latest micro-addiction, Korean BBQ almonds, a bit too hard, too, so that, as well, is about to change. 

I'm NOT on any kind of concerted effort of a diet. NOW would not be the time, and I don't know that any time ever will be the time. I just know that I am no longer enjoying how the majority of junk and processed foods are making me feel. The very, very, very short-term satisfaction is not enough of a payoff for the resulting shit feelings afterward. Some days, it'd be easier to live on coffee, water and cigs than to ingest anything of that nature. 

As for smoking, I'll never again talk about it, or the fact that I want to quit. Anytime I "make a plan," or follow the roughshod advice of a bunch of nonsmokers who decided their plans would work best. Believe you me, I know ALL the benefits, and I know ALL the problems I cause with my habit, but it's going to be a very personal, very private endeavor when the time comes that I do quit. I also won't talk about it AFTER the act of quitting has occurred because that just keeps it top of mind, and I am thinking the best approach will be to keep my laser focus away from the topic altogether. 

I looked back over the beginnings of this blog, and how I was nearly daily updating on metrics, and blahbity blah, but then I would disappear for months on end because I gave up. Zero effectiveness. I have realized that talk does not replace action, and action does NOT need to be talked about. Just do the thing and move forward. 

As for current states, I'm still on the tuna salad and hard-boiled egg kick for lunches, or whenever I don't feel like eating anything else. The weight, she's hovering around the 196-lb mark. I'll take it. Measurements are fairly useless, as even if you have one waist measurement, there are 52,000 different waist sizes in pants, and NOBODY accounts for boobage, unless you buy a 3x or larger. Life continues on. 

Updates on the ongoing renovations: 

We got a TV stand for the living room, but said stand was NOT the same color as displayed in the product description. It more matches what I have in the office. Therefore, It's going to be used out here in the gymnauseum area of the room. I like it. Plenty of storage for the free weights, the DVD player, and any DVDs I want to bring out here. 

Meanwhile, my husband found another stand that is MUCH better suited to what we're going for in the living room, so we got that. 

Both require assemblage. I put together stand #1 over the weekend. My husband started on stand #2 when it arrived, and we engaged in teamwork to finish it up and move it into the living room, and move the old beast out. 

Things are coming together. 

New plumbing is going to start happening next week. That'll be a fun bill. 

I think that covers all current updates for the homestead. 

Back to the inner turmoil ... 

Let me just say I am beyond fed up with the gaslighting that has, thus far, put me in a place where I feel like if I talk about how I feel about anything going on with anyone, I'm just being selfish, self absorbed, making it all about me, etc. I feel like anytime I have something to say, all it takes is one sentence or less to trigger all manner of rage and vitriol aimed in my general direction. People do not stop to consider that what you said was NOT meant in the way they are misconstruing it. 

I am not a perfect specimen of humanity. I CAN be mean. I can give as good as I get. I'm just tired of being put in a position to keep other people's secrets, or be a pawn in their game to make themselves feel better, or to just shut up and let everyone do whatever it is they're going to do, no matter if it hurts them or anyone else. 

So, rather than try to tell them, I'll just say it here: 

What you do is solely up to you. There is nothing I can say or do that will ever change that. If I DO have something to say it is out of love, or concern. My digital, typed delivery might suck, but it does not require anyone to take my words and twist them to mean something entirely different. My words also do not warrant being disrespected to the level that I would rather never talk to you again than to feel the sting of your words and rage. 

Don't ever try to manipulate people with selective honesty and expect me NOT to speak up. Don't ever talk shit about me to my face and expect me not to react. I am loyal to a fault, and for the time being, I'll keep those secrets (and you should hope everyone else does, as well), and I'll live with the MORE THAN AWKWARD situation you've decided that those of us privvy to your selective honesty should live in, but I can't control what anyone else does. 

If you want to erase 30-plus years of memories, right down to your name, go for it. I can't stop you, but I'll not stay silent about how your own words and actions make me feel. It does not make me bigoted. It does not make me ignorant, uneducated, or stupid. It makes me hurt more than I can properly express. And no matter how much you say I'm just being shallow and making it all about me, it's taking a toll on my mental and physical well being. 

But, you do you. The rest will either fall into your way of thinking, or fall away completely. 

Those are words I never thought I would say about anyone that I love so dearly, but backed into a corner, I'll come out swinging. 

I was never perfect. I was definitely the furthest thing from a good mother. I was definitely also the furthest thing from a perfect child. I'm not even that outstanding of a person now, and I continue to pay for my imperfections. 

So, I find this fitting: 

I just want peace. I just want rest. 

I want to live in this speech for the rest of my days: