Rain over the Catalinas - Edited for color because my Android camera SUCKS!
It's an absolutely gorgeous morning. 81F, clouds abound, birds a-chirpin'. Whilst I loved clouds in Ohio, I don't believe I had THIS level of appreciation for their power and usefulness until moving here. Clouds, here, mean the difference between a bearable, digestable day or outright hellishness until sunset, in the summer months. Winter here is pretty much perfect.
I don't know where I thought pecans grew, but apparently, this is one version of a pecan farm. South of Tucson, down by Sahuarita, I noticed this on the plane coming home from Seattle. Apparently, it's been there a while, as noted by Tucson.com.
Last night's sunset, heavily filtered for dramatic effect
So much is going on. So much that I won't speak about in detail. So much work stuff, child stuff, family stuff. Health stuff. It's just quite a lot for me, and mostly for my beloved. I feel helpless. This is NOT me seeking attention or pity, either. This is just me trying to explain the situation currently without verbal vomit.
I don't even know where to begin. Totally off topic from the rest of the week's mental meanderings, but let's talk about food for a minute.
Let's talk about why I don't know what the fuck to do anymore to get healthy, at least when it comes to food consumptions.
Clearly, I eat. My fluff suit won't let me hide that factoid, but ENJOY eating? Not much.
I don't know if it's aging. I don't know if it was caused by pharmaceuticals that made me so sick that I couldn't eat - and made everything taste weird. I don't know if when I did keto full time, it somehow rearranged my hunger/craving cues. I don't know if it's full-blown menopause. I have zero clue.
So, I wrote the following last year, after apparently some of the rage from the former banishment surfaced. It pretty much still applies, since nothing was resolved last week in Seattle.
8/22/25
I can't share memories of what was because that person says they wish that part of their life had never happened. Joke's on them, it did happen, and they can never change that no matter how much they try to pretend their way out of it.
It comes up randomly now. I used to obsess, day in and day out. Now, just random events make it bubble to the surface. Yesterday, we learned that a friend of theirs (from high school) had suffered a horrible major medical trauma. Suffice to say, I saw their name in the list of donors on a Go Fund Me page. If I say any more than that, THEY would say that I'm trying to make it about me.
Based on my archaic phone camera's inability to capture accurate coloring, I use filters on my scenery pictures a lot of times.
Here's the original:
I promise you, though, that the filters portray a much more accurate representation of what I actually saw on the first morning of Monsoon. I just need to bite several bullets, get out my trusty old and very unused actual camera and see what I can do with it.
"Start where you are and don't lie about how long you've been standing there ... " ~ The Ash Files
Well, I won't lie about how long I've been standing here. It's been decades, nay, pretty much my entire life, when I think about it. Same lack of self worth; same lack of attention span; same flaws and/or quirks. Maybe just a bit quieter, and with a longer fuse.
We can learn so very much from watching the backyard bird population. These creatures of varying shapes, sizes, colors, and species can all gather (in a mostly orderly fashion), exercise patience, and take turns grabbing their breakfast from the feeder, or the yard below. There's no bickering. There's no raising of voices. Just a communal breakfast spot.
Be warned: This is very personal. This is very raw. This is not in any way filtered to avoid triggering anyone about anything. This is who I am. This is how I am feeling. If you stay, grab snacks. It's gonna be a long one.
The more things change, some things will always stay the same. Maybe "always" is a strong word, but at this moment, it's the feeling I'm going with.
I was doing good late last year, earlier this year, getting into a healthier routine full of better eating and movement. Then I fell into a slump of magnanimous proportions.
I decided late last night, or very early this morning to just go back to very low carb, mostly keto. Not clean keto. Not Nazi-esque keto, but keto-ish, let us just say.
There was this thing that happened with scales. I was all happy. I was losing some serious weight, but then, NOOOOO, that wasn't good enough. I had to go and buy a new scale. And guess what? It has a five-ish pound difference, in a northerly direction, from the old scale.
That setback totally screwed my last braincell, and flattened my momentum.
Not sure how religiously I'll be sharing my daily intakes, but here is what I had today:
This was a snack. Probably not even an entire serving, which is the point of me buying this flavor because it is SPICY ... and therefore not enjoyable to consume in mass quantities. I'd say I had maybe 12, if that.
That's two eggs scramblish, a bit o' half/half, some shredded cheese, and some cheese curds
That's a "zero-carb" tortilla x 2 (one for lunch, one for dinner) with fajita chicken, peppers and onions that my beloved made on the grill in a cast iron pan. They were amazing. I have enough for several more meals, so I may be eating this a lot this week. The tortillas aren't tremendous - full of additives and starches, but they do less damage than the full-carb varietals.
This is probably the worst thing x 2 (one for lunch, one for dinner). Sure, it's got 4g of net carbs, but it's full of chemical variants. I won't be purchasing more of these for a while once this box is gone.
Not bad for a first day back. I've been falling into the snackity-snack trap as of late, and playing fast and loose with bread and sugars (here and there). I know what these things do to my brain and my energy levels, and thusly I knew I had to get rid of them again.
Now that the sun is up very, very early (shortly after 5:30am), it's time to get back out there and walk the neighborhood. Last year, I was scared - scared of the coyotes and javelina. Now that we've almost got a year under our Arizona belt, I'm much more comfortable with the random sightings - except for that chubacabra looking thing I saw in an alley once ...
I'm gonna guess it was a bobcat, but whatever it was, it made me uncomfortable, so I just kept on going, minding my bizness.
I've also been dealing with a frozen shoulder. I have physical therapy, supposedly twice per week, but I'm going to see if they can give me a DIY plan, so I can save those sessions for some other injury down the line that requires more specific attention. It was definitely an ordeal, but I must admit, that cortisone shot was A-FUCKING-MAZING!!! I went from pain all day, every day, to NOTHING. No pain whilst sleeping, no pain during waking up. No pain whatsoever. My range of motion is still less than, but that pain being gone was a huge blessing.
We have a membership at the local purple and yellow gym. I need to get back there. It's a lovely facility, brand-new, all new equipment, etc. I just couldn't do the machines because shoulder, so I just stopped going. That needs to change. This body isn't getting any younger, so I need to build the musckles back up so I am not feeble and squeaky in the older years.
I know I've been silent. It's how I do. I get in these moods where I find it pointless to write, or even talk, so I shut off.
I think I'm breaking free of that, so you'll soon be subjected to more of my mental meanderings. Sorry for that.
I hope you all are well and finding peace and a bit of happiness where you can. It's pretty much all we can do.
It's been a minute. Nothing much has changed. Depression set in hardcore, the new backyard (and front yard) remodel has begun, went to see an NP because I wasn't feeling so hot, got some meds, taking said meds, and now, here we are.
The state of this country is beyond my level of comprehension. The state of the world, outside the internet, seems somewhat more normal, but given where we moved, we are much more aware of the things you won't see living in rural Ohellio. The crime, the murders, the addiction, the "unhoused ..." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? UN-HOUSED? What, for fucks sake, is wrong with "Homeless"?
As the Fighters of the Foo once said, "It's times like these, you learn to live again ..." Probably wrong, and very heavily paraphrased, but yeah ... We are learning to live again in a completely new surround.
One thing hasn't changed, though - my expertise at being invisible. I was invisible in Ohio. I am invisible here, but HERE there is desert, and there are my mountains, and that is everything I need.
We went out to the Desert Museum, and it was absolutely magnificent, the drive out, and back, and walking through the museum.
We also went to the HF Coors pottery place over on the west side, and spent way too much on Day of the Dead plates, but I don't care anymore. I don't blow cash left and right, but when I want something special, I'm getting it. Fuquitol.
I learned that my boss isn't who I thought he was. I won't lie - it's totally exhausted my supply of fucks, and working now is a struggle. I'm having a hard time separating personal activities from work, especially when their behavior bleeds into work. There's probably a touch of resentment going on that what we have all worked so hard to build, he could knock over in two seconds flat.
So, betwixt depression, and dealing with the boss thing, and dealing with the backyard thing, and dealing with not being able to fix anyone or anything but myself, not gonna lie - it's been a bit much.
I'm still reading, and bought two more books. I've now put myself on time out. I can't buy any more books until I finish at least one more of the stack I've built in the past few months.
I started drawing again - or whatever that thing is where you doodle with lines and shapes, etc. Zentangling? Yeah.
The city is loud this morning. That's been an adjustment - not the loudness, but from whence sound is coming. Something can sound like it's northwest, but come to find out, it's right on the other side of the house. Whilst Speedway is not that far away, maybe a couple blocks or less, at our end, it's not as heavily trafficked as the west side or on the way to downtown, so it's hard to determine where the street noise is coming from. I have never claimed to be geographically nor scientifically gifted, so there's that.
Case in point - I know generally where Mt. Lemmon is. I can even look at it from our place, but for the life of me, I cannot tell you exactly WHICH peak is the actual Mt. Lemmon. If I look on the map, it looks like it's straight north of our house, but if you look on the map, it looks to be northwest. Crazy landscapes.
Fun fact, not about mountains: I learned that a vast majority of the homes in our neighborhood are identical in blueprint. It's a TRIP. This community was built in the 70s, and clearly, they weren't big on individuality of home design back then.
As is the state of my brain, flipping back to the state of our world today, there's just so much ugliness, so much hate, so much bitterness and vile behavior from people who call themselves humans. We can preserve centuries-old cacti, but we can't even begin to preserve dignity, sanity, or safety. All living beings are expendable.
I've been blessed to have found the job I have. This I do know, but I also know that I have zero say in whether they push me out at some point or not. I also doubt highly that I'd be able to get a similar "job" with another company, based solely upon my age. This is the point when they start pushing people out and replacing them with machines or interns or youngsters willing to take smaller salaries.
This is why I am focusing on learning new skills and being able to ease back into the gig economy or starting another business. I don't quite yet know what that is, but I've been exploring my options and formulating plans.
The universe seems to agree - as I've been seeing lots of 444s and 555s as of late. Cool.
I just want to be of worth. I just want to do something that provides me with a sense of purpose. I just do NOT know where that is at the moment. It's ever so difficult playing the employee game. I wish I could be honest about how I'm feeling. I wish it wouldn't just become ammunition or a reason to shove me out sooner than I want to go, but I can't. SO, here I sit, plotting and planning in silence.
I have faith that everything will work out, but truthfully, I just wish the way forward were a bit more clear.
I know I function on fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being useless.
Only I can make myself see myself as enough, and worthy of taking up space on this planet.
I'll learn how to do it. I am learning. Just taking my time.
Meanwhile, it might be about time to break out that camera I got a few years ago and learn how to use it because my phone camera is just blah. I do love taking pictures. I do love art. So, that may be my general focus, as the rest of life meanders on.
I don't really know what else to say today, so I'll shut it for now.
Look at this crazy fucker. He was GREEN. I have never seen a green moth until here. Trippy.
Sorry for the close-up of my skin. I tried out the macro function on my camera, and here we are.
I took a break from saying anything. Mostly because I assumed I wasn't really offering anything of value to anyone, let alone me.
I decided to try something different - some brain work. I used to read. I used to read a LOT. I read book after book after book, fiction, non-fiction, horror, non-horror - pretty much the only thing I didn't read regularly was in the romance genre. I read those when I was too young to read those, and learned more than I probably should have ... HA.
I had an unexplainable fascination with the mafia when I was in high school, probably because I read The Godfather. That fascination remains.
However, my love of reading waned over the years. With the internet, the ability to focus and not achieve immediate gratification faded and vanished.
Last week, I decided to change that. I can't tell you the last time I started, read, and finished an entire book. I might read a few pages, and then poof, gone. I have given away more books than I have ever finished in the past 20+ years. I would buy them, consider them, ignore them, dust them off, and donate them.
I've also been listening to assorted people talk about success and productivity and the lot. Who better to get inspiration from than successful people? I'm not talking about "influencers," but people who have built multi-million-dollar careers starting from nothing and working their way up.
Anywho, I got some reading ideas from them, including:
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell
The One Thing by Gary Keller
I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
and the ever-popular (at least I ASSUME) Atomic Habits by James Clear
I have set aside time in the mornings for reading. Instead of mindless scrolling, or just starting work, I take 30 minutes to an hour to read some from each of the above books.
I've not been true to my plans for keto, nor my plans for getting more movement. It is what it TIS. Life continues on.
Not an excuse, but a fun fact ... The gym, as it is situated, is 1.5 miles from our house, directly straight north of the house, actually. GETTING THERE, however, requires a five-plus-mile drive in one direction or t'other, due to the fact that there's this gigantic wash, and NO roads that cross the wash.
That's my house at the bottom, and the gym at the top ... I wish I had a hovercraft.
I'm going to guess that going east down to Houghton will be the much quicker path, or path of least resistance, as there are less lights, and it's mostly out in a more deserty area. If we were to go the other way, west, we hit all manner of lights, and twists, and turns, and blahbity blah.
All that being said, I have yet to get there, and it's making me feel pathetic. I can't even walk out the front door and walk around the neighborhood. I am tired of my inability to follow through, tired of the fear that keeps me trapped in my safe lil bubble, away from the big cruel world out there beyond the block fence.
I am the world's biggest coward. I watch people in way worse condition than I am making changes, putting themselves out there for all the vile cruelty the internet has to offer, but me? Here I sit. Literally.
Maybe I do need therapy. Maybe it's just the fact that it's getting close to the anniversary of both my half-brother's and my mother's passing last year, and part of me feels like "What's the point?" Since my brother passed away just on a random afternoon when he lay down to take a siesta. Off he went. What the fuck? Makes me kind of leery to take naps. Not that I don't, but still. It's heavy on the mind.
THAT is all on the personal health and fitness front.
However, I have made huge progress when it comes to getting some other shit done, like 2024 taxes. I finally got them filed yesterday. I put it off long enough, and I guess making an appointment with an accountant for help with the 2025 taxes was motivation enough to get these done, since that person will need to see that return.
I also bought a printer, though I told myself I wasn't going to, so I can print out all the important documents that I will need to take to that appointment at the end of this month. Woot. Now to just get the thing out of the box, set it up, and print things out. I did at least make a list of all the items I'll need. I intend to show up with a very organized folder containing whatever is needed.
If I've learned anything over the past four years working for accountants, it is that you should get your shit together BEFORE you go see them. Don't just take them a pile of random papers, dump them on their desk and expect them to work miracles. Not gonna happen.
In weatherly news, we're actually getting rain. O.O
In news about town, we went to a restaurant called The Barnyard the other day, for the second time. What we got out of it was that we really liked their dinnerware. Come to find out, it's made right here in the city by none other than some relative of the same folk that make Coors beer. Since that was called Banquet Beer back in the day, it's not really shocking that they would make the table service for the beer banquets, now is it?
So, we may take a trip there someday soon and see what there is to see. They do have some Día de los Muertos plates that could be interesting.
Here's a random sunset ...
And here's a random moonset from last week.
On the keto food front, I have located a couple recipes I'm willing to try. First, some keto crab rangoon sticks. They look delightful. Let's see if I ever get the urge to put that much effort into cooking them, though.
Same with this recipe for biscuits and gravy, a thing I wish I could have more often. I'd say there's probably a significantly better chance that I would attempt to make this than the crab rangoon, but you never know.
All that being babbled on and on about, all I can say is I'm trying. Trying to either climb or dig my way out of this hole I've fallen into. There are good days. There are bad days. There are days that are just days. I don't want pity or sympathy. Just needed to air what's going on in my brain.
Just a random cloud last night that I filtered the fuckity fuck out of because it was that kind of day.
I can't remember where, the other day, but I heard this:
So, then, the algorithmic gods decided I was in the mood for this:
And MY GOD, they were not wrong, and I am NOT mad. LOOK at that color!!! IT IS STUNNING!!! That is the color of happy in my heart. It is perfection. In other news, I may attempt to make this if I ever sign back up for the NYT so I can achieve the recipe.
This is our new friend, Nipsy. Aptly named because of the fact that it appears he is missing a bit of his tail. We can't decide if this happened by nature, or by HVAC unit, as Odin was chasing a leezard around such unit the other day. No idea if it was the same one, but you know ... Assumptions were made.
So, let's start the discussion on the power of less-than-positive thinking, shall we?
Above, you see an overhead shot of our backyard, as seen when we first laid eyes on the house. You will notice that I drew some green lines on it to mark the areas that we are looking to get refinished. I won't share why, but the first go around was a complete failure, and seems to start the snowball of negativity every time we dare to speak of it.
Let's just say lessons were learned that won't soon be unlearned.
So, we want to have the entire space completely REDONE. No repairing, no saving what's here, just wipe it clean and start over. I don't know what else to say to make that more clear to contractors. They don't seem to understand that we are not happy with what's here now, which is NOT in that picture. It's more like this:
Whilst it was a vast improvement over the original version, that lasted for all of maybe a couple days. It's now covered in weeds, but hey, we had SIX ROLLS of weed barrier left over when they were done ... and supposedly they had bought enough turf to cover at least 50 percent of the yard space, but what you see here, plus what's on the side out of view, plus a few small swatches is all that actually existed.
The gravel idea is my fault. The installation, the first contractor's fault. It now sits anywhere from 3 to 6 inches ABOVE the paver areas. It's, for all intents and purposii, FUCKED. The gravel goes everywhere, in the turf, all over the pavers ... EVERYWHERE.
There will be no repercussions, though, because what was supposed to be a "less than a week" project took nearly a month, and we just wanted them gone, so we said what we had to say to get them gone, and decided to live with it for a minute.
SO, yeah, since it pisses us off to look at it every day, we decided to get quotes to get it completely redone. But here's what I don't understand. You have a consultation. You ask them questions like:
1. Do you have actual landscape designers on your team.
"Yeah, yeah ... We have a design team!"
2. Can you reset the wall (seen behind the dogs) to be level (as currently, the three-stone-high creation sinks down to two stones in the middle).
"Yeah, definitely. We can fix that, no problem."
3. Can we see actual designs, layouts, etc.
"Absolutely!"
4. We want very little to NO gravel.
"Great, we'll just move it out."
However, this person's life is just a fantasy, because the reality is we got this:
1. Design team of one - their receptionist trying to create plans on ChatGPT.
2. Their first quote included NOTHING about fixing the wall
3. We receive ZERO layouts, blueprints, designs. We got random images of pieces/parts of the yard, but no overall visual. Her response: "I'll see what I can do."
4. Wait till you see the final overhead visual ... There is MORE than just a little to NO gravel ...
At this point, I'm over it and will find a designer, or design it myself, and then get a contractor who can install it. I do not comprehend ... I don't know how we could have made it any clearer.
There were no notes taken. It took over five days to get the initial quote which ignored everything we asked for. I'm just done. Everything will work out eventually, but for now, today, I am just done.
Because that was only half of the problem ...
We also got a new front door. Not once, but TWICE. The first time, the installer opened the carton and discovered several areas where it was damaged, and paint was chipped off. Clearly, they didn't bother to let it dry all the way before packaging. That took some six weeks off our lifespan. Then, they had to re-order, adding another six weeks or so ... and yesterday, once he had everything "installed," he realized they sent the wrong frame so it would not shut properly.
It's temporarily installed and sealed, but they either need to be fixing it THIS WEEK, or I'm going to scrap it and go somewhere else. I mean, WHAT the HOLY FUCK?
I love the actual door, but all the fuckery surrounding it is not boding well for its longevity. So far, we're batting 50/100 with contractors and jobs. Something has got to give, and it shouldn't keep being ME (US) giving DEARLY and getting nothing back.
It's making me nauseous.
Because the stress, and the pressure, and the negativity snowballs, and it just keeps growing, and growing, and it's just enough.
I just want to be happy. Therefore, it's up to me to MAKE me happy, and that means NOT letting all this extraneous bullshit slap me in the face constantly.
Okay, now that I've gotten THAT out of my system, totally went off the rails yesterday and got a Strawberry Cheesecake shake from Sonic, and it was definitively a mistake. Not even worth the calories, sugars, or carbs. On the bright side, we achieved more bags of Sonic ice, so all is right again.
Yesterday was just a weird day, and I am hoping to ensure that today does not follow suit. I have to work out the door situation, but it is NOT going to rule the entire day. I'll just be here working, and thinking, and planning, and moving forward.
And planning on when I can make that cranberry tart thingy.
At least I ended the day with this beautiful scene from The Beef ...
I know nothing of her other work, but Olivia Colman knocked this role OUT OF THE PARK. Her sense of peace and presence of mind are the calm in the middle of a storm. This scene makes you know that every little thing is gonna be alright and it all works out.
Apparently, the monsoon "season" is a little late to the game. We've had more rain in the past week than we have since arriving here in early June. Oops. Either way, I'll take it. It's so lovely to sit outside on the patio and watch the storms roll through, deposit water here and there, and put on spectacular lightning shows.
Did you know that a lot of the houses here do NOT have gutters? Ours is one such structure. It's trippy. I don't necessarily know the exact reasoning, but probably something about desert soil, etc. blahbity blah. Maybe because there are not typically basements or crawlspaces? I have no clue.
Saw this in the sky yesterday morning. Seemed fitting.
One of my typical responses ...
So, on my journey of self improvement, I decided to sign up for a course on AI through Coursiv. It's a 28-module "intro" to most of the AI systems currently operating (ChatGPT, Dall-E, Perplexity, etc.). I got through the first one - very basic - on prompting. I already know how to do that on a basic level, so I hope they will get more in-depth on that in future episodes. If not, life carries forward.
Directly after I signed up, the clock once again was at 5:55 - a recurring number in my current existence. Lest I never shared before, here's what the machines say it means:
So, with me learning AI, maybe it's ushering in new opportunities. There are other INDIRECT changes going on that could also impact my future, but those are none of my business, and I will take whatever happens as it comes.
If you needed more perspective on just how massive our world is, unfathomably giganormous, even, then there's this:
5:40AM this morning, and THIS is how many planes were in the air between Tucson and a bit east of Dallas. Zoom out and it gets even more overwhelming. I was looking for the Fed Ex jet that typically flies over our house every morning around the 5:30AM mark, but it was nowhere to be seen. All that stuff is going on up there tens of thousands of feet above, and we never know it. Meaning focus on what's important because all that noise is irrelevant - compare it to the internet, and social media and the like. Does it even matter? Absolutely not. Life goes on every single day without me ever checking into X, or TikTok, or Facebook or Instagram.
I thought NextDoor might be a good place to learn more about Tucson, but I was incorrect. It's just another site filled with miserable individuals that I liken to a nosy old lady peeking out her blind to see what the neighbor is doing so she can report it to whomever will listen. It's kind of gross. It was MINORLY helpful to begin with, but now, I believe I'm done with it. Garbage in, garbage out.
Anywhooooooo, I found this yesterday:
Looks reasonably simple. May have to give it a whirl. Don't know. Can't be any worse than that 90-second keto bread, and I dare say, it might be better because there's no gritty protein powder in it. The only thing that concerns me is that it is ALL protein (cottage cheese and eggs).
It's supposed to be for a "wrap," but putting meat in it would be overwhelming my kidneys with all that aforementioned protein. Also, concerned about the texture. With there being nothing to make a "bread" like texture, will it just be like chewing on rubbery cheese? I do happen to have all the required ingredients, so perhaps I will test it out.
A lot, but not a lot going on this week. We're finally getting the new door (the second time around) because the first time around, it was damaged and paint was chipping off) delivered, and then installed on Wednesday. No more green front door, and it will soon match the black garage door. I'll get a picture of the front once it's all installed.
THIS was the before:
We got new chairs for the living room because the original ones we got were NOT meant for the elderly, or even those of us in our 50s. They're fine to sit DOWN in, but once you try to get up, all bets are off. I love overstuffed chairs, but they do NOT love me. They also had zero support for the backside.
I'm far too lazy to rotate the image, but you get the picture ...
So, we are donating these, and they will be picked up today. The new ones were delivered Saturday.
There's work to do, learning to do, and I have to make a run for provisions here in a few minutes. We have discovered the joys of Sonic ice, and we need more, so off I will go. I'll hit up the Albertson's right next door for some other stuff, and then back home.
"Start where you are and don't lie about how long you've been standing there ... " ~ The Ash Files
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