Helping Me Help Me Here and There

 

I just occurred to me that it's been over 30 days since I decided to eliminate all the "Self-Help" content from my existence. 

Lo and totally behold, nothing went awry. I actually DID help myself, by way of a few doctor visits, some new treatments, and a whole lot of doing other stuff instead of bemoaning my own existence because I don't measure up to any of the content I was consuming. 

A LOT of things happened in July, none of which I will divulge here, but we survived. A LOT of heat is happening here in the desert, but I daresay, we have started to acclimate, because our electric bill was significantly lower this July than last. Go us. 

Getting away from trying to help myself let me get out of my own way enough so that I finally did some things that ABSOLUTELY needed to be done (like taxes), and allowed me to welcome some creativity back into the room. 

I started new treatments (in the health and well being department) in order to finally give my physical being the attention it was so sorely missing because I had given up, and was resigned to a life of so-so-ness. 

I have also realized that I have one very large white whale in my life - a scarf. A knitted scarf. A scarf which I do not seem to be able to complete, regardless of having made that same scarf at least twice before. 

I started it (the first time, well, third time) back in 2018, and have since then gotten midway or further, then ripped it out, started over, etc. again. I then decided to let it go in that particular yarn. I got some new yarn, and started over earlier this year. 

Yesterday, upon ALMOST completing the damned thing, I started on the one difficult row - a cable row - and it fell off the needles, and I could NOT save it. I could not get the stitches back to their appropriate needles, and I realized then that I did not WANT to. 

I pulled the entire thing off the needles, and started to rip it out, but then remembered that there's some thing here in Tucson where you can donate your WIPs (Works in Progress). So, for now, it's living in a bag, and when that event happens again, it will go there to a hopefully much more productive set of hands. 

But then, what did I immediately do? I started planning how to do this same pattern AGAIN but with a different yarn and color. Maybe I just needed a new color. l see it as sort of a cathartic exercise. A challenge. 

I let go of the original failure because I thought maybe it was carrying the energy of the events that were going on during that time, and I felt like that energy was what was blocking me (pun intended). I let go of yesterday's failure because it was particularly shitty choice of yarn, and the more I worked with it, the more I despised it. 

So, we shall see if I can make an progress and actually complete THIS attempt. And if THIS one ends up being a failure, as well, then I may finally be ready to walk away from this pattern completely and let it live fully in my memories. 

Maybe all the other attempts were symbolic of all the things left unfinished, unsaid, and undealt with. Lettuce hope that this attempt brings closure and peace. 

I think that's all I've got for today. 

Have a wonderful week! 

The [Negative] Power of Interruption

 This is my brain without interruption: 

This is my brain after being constantly interrupted and not allowed to process, let alone utter thoughts: 

The Slug Life and the Nothing Being What it Seems

Sunrise (for once) ... 

I was going to tell you exactly WHERE and what particular mountain that is there in the back, but apparently it doesn't have a name. So, I drew you a map (of sorts). 

Is Self-Help Making Me Helpless?

No filter, just fire in the sky befitting of the holiday

 

I've bought the books, I've listened to the podcasts, watched the YouTubes - the human and the AI content, heard the upper-echelon gurus ... and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely NOTHING. 

Anytime you set foot on the Internets, you are bombarded with the "influence," the hope of reinvention, the joys of finding your passion and solving all your pain points, no matter where you go because your algorithm is always, always, ALWAYS listening - whether you're on your device or your PC or not. It "knows" you. 

500 (Plus) Miles, Boredom Snacks, Cheerleaders and Mood Changes

Last night's sunset - filtered for my joy. There's only so much you can do with one view ... 

Even after years of my Beloved driving OTR, and being gone weeks at a time, being used to the solitude, it still is so empty when one of us leaves to travel assorted places. He's back in Ohio with his dad. Me and Odin and Bean are here in Tucson, kind of just existing, mostly because it's in the hundreds now, and it's too fucking hot to go anywhere of true import. 

For the Love of Fahrvergnügen

 

Rain over the Catalinas - Edited for color because my Android camera SUCKS! 

It's an absolutely gorgeous morning. 81F, clouds abound, birds a-chirpin'. Whilst I loved clouds in Ohio, I don't believe I had THIS level of appreciation for their power and usefulness until moving here. Clouds, here, mean the difference between a bearable, digestable day or outright hellishness until sunset, in the summer months. Winter here is pretty much perfect. 

Going A Little Bit South of Nuts

 

Just absolutely nuts! 

I don't know where I thought pecans grew, but apparently, this is one version of a pecan farm. South of Tucson, down by Sahuarita, I noticed this on the plane coming home from Seattle. Apparently, it's been there a while, as noted by Tucson.com. 

Last night's sunset, heavily filtered for dramatic effect

So much is going on. So much that I won't speak about in detail. So much work stuff, child stuff, family stuff. Health stuff. It's just quite a lot for me, and mostly for my beloved. I feel helpless. This is NOT me seeking attention or pity, either. This is just me trying to explain the situation currently without verbal vomit. 

Palate (Brain) Cleansing 101

I don't even know where to begin. Totally off topic from the rest of the week's mental meanderings, but let's talk about food for a minute. 

Let's talk about why I don't know what the fuck to do anymore to get healthy, at least when it comes to food consumptions. 

Clearly, I eat. My fluff suit won't let me hide that factoid, but ENJOY eating? Not much. 

I don't know if it's aging. I don't know if it was caused by pharmaceuticals that made me so sick that I couldn't eat - and made everything taste weird. I don't know if when I did keto full time, it somehow rearranged my hunger/craving cues. I don't know if it's full-blown menopause. I have zero clue. 

On Gaslighting, Silence, Blatant Hypocrisy, and Better Living in the Desert

So, I wrote the following last year, after apparently some of the rage from the former banishment surfaced. It pretty much still applies, since nothing was resolved last week in Seattle. 

8/22/25

I can't share memories of what was because that person says they wish that part of their life had never happened. Joke's on them, it did happen, and they can never change that no matter how much they try to pretend their way out of it. 

It comes up randomly now. I used to obsess, day in and day out. Now, just random events make it bubble to the surface. Yesterday, we learned that a friend of theirs (from high school) had suffered a horrible major medical trauma. Suffice to say, I saw their name in the list of donors on a Go Fund Me page. If I say any more than that, THEY would say that I'm trying to make it about me. 

The Rule of IDGAF, Auditory Oddities, and Other Illogical Thought Streams

Based on my archaic phone camera's inability to capture accurate coloring, I use filters on my scenery pictures a lot of times. 

Here's the original: 

I promise you, though, that the filters portray a much more accurate representation of what I actually saw on the first morning of Monsoon. I just need to bite several bullets, get out my trusty old and very unused actual camera and see what I can do with it. 

Out of Other Ways to Feel Anything

 "Start where you are and don't lie about how long you've been standing there ... " ~ The Ash Files

Well, I won't lie about how long I've been standing here. It's been decades, nay, pretty much my entire life, when I think about it. Same lack of self worth; same lack of attention span; same flaws and/or quirks. Maybe just a bit quieter, and with a longer fuse. 

Ostriches, Distractions, and Forward Movement

Monsoon Night Skies - Day 3

We can learn so very much from watching the backyard bird population. These creatures of varying shapes, sizes, colors, and species can all gather (in a mostly orderly fashion), exercise patience, and take turns grabbing their breakfast from the feeder, or the yard below. There's no bickering. There's no raising of voices. Just a communal breakfast spot. 

From Somewhere in the Middle of Down Here

 

Be warned: This is very personal. This is very raw. This is not in any way filtered to avoid triggering anyone about anything. This is who I am. This is how I am feeling. If you stay, grab snacks. It's gonna be a long one. 

The more things change, some things will always stay the same. Maybe "always" is a strong word, but at this moment, it's the feeling I'm going with.