Withdrawal Notice: One Step Forward, Five Steps Back

 

Sunrise on Speedway

It's been a minute. Nothing much has changed. Depression set in hardcore, the new backyard (and front yard) remodel has begun, went to see an NP because I wasn't feeling so hot, got some meds, taking said meds, and now, here we are. 

The state of this country is beyond my level of comprehension. The state of the world, outside the internet, seems somewhat more normal, but given where we moved, we are much more aware of the things you won't see living in rural Ohellio. The crime, the murders, the addiction, the "unhoused ..." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? UN-HOUSED? What, for fucks sake, is wrong with "Homeless"?  

As the Fighters of the Foo once said, "It's times like these, you learn to live again ..." Probably wrong, and very heavily paraphrased, but yeah ... We are learning to live again in a completely new surround. 

One thing hasn't changed, though - my expertise at being invisible. I was invisible in Ohio. I am invisible here, but HERE there is desert, and there are my mountains, and that is everything I need. 

We went out to the Desert Museum, and it was absolutely magnificent, the drive out, and back, and walking through the museum. 

We also went to the HF Coors pottery place over on the west side, and spent way too much on Day of the Dead plates, but I don't care anymore. I don't blow cash left and right, but when I want something special, I'm getting it. Fuquitol. 

I learned that my boss isn't who I thought he was. I won't lie - it's totally exhausted my supply of fucks, and working now is a struggle. I'm having a hard time separating personal activities from work, especially when their behavior bleeds into work. There's probably a touch of resentment going on that what we have all worked so hard to build, he could knock over in two seconds flat. 

So, betwixt depression, and dealing with the boss thing, and dealing with the backyard thing, and dealing with not being able to fix anyone or anything but myself, not gonna lie - it's been a bit much. 

I'm still reading, and bought two more books. I've now put myself on time out. I can't buy any more books until I finish at least one more of the stack I've built in the past few months. 

I started drawing again - or whatever that thing is where you doodle with lines and shapes, etc. Zentangling? Yeah. 

The city is loud this morning. That's been an adjustment - not the loudness, but from whence sound is coming. Something can sound like it's northwest, but come to find out, it's right on the other side of the house. Whilst Speedway is not that far away, maybe a couple blocks or less, at our end, it's not as heavily trafficked as the west side or on the way to downtown, so it's hard to determine where the street noise is coming from. I have never claimed to be geographically nor scientifically gifted, so there's that. 

Case in point - I know generally where Mt. Lemmon is. I can even look at it from our place, but for the life of me, I cannot tell you exactly WHICH peak is the actual Mt. Lemmon. If I look on the map, it looks like it's straight north of our house, but if you look on the map, it looks to be northwest. Crazy landscapes. 

Fun fact, not about mountains: I learned that a vast majority of the homes in our neighborhood are identical in blueprint. It's a TRIP. This community was built in the 70s, and clearly, they weren't big on individuality of home design back then. 

As is the state of my brain, flipping back to the state of our world today, there's just so much ugliness, so much hate, so much bitterness and vile behavior from people who call themselves humans. We can preserve centuries-old cacti, but we can't even begin to preserve dignity, sanity, or safety. All living beings are expendable. 

I've been blessed to have found the job I have. This I do know, but I also know that I have zero say in whether they push me out at some point or not. I also doubt highly that I'd be able to get a similar "job" with another company, based solely upon my age. This is the point when they start pushing people out and replacing them with machines or interns or youngsters willing to take smaller salaries. 

This is why I am focusing on learning new skills and being able to ease back into the gig economy or starting another business. I don't quite yet know what that is, but I've been exploring my options and formulating plans. 

The universe seems to agree - as I've been seeing lots of 444s and 555s as of late. Cool. 

I just want to be of worth. I just want to do something that provides me with a sense of purpose. I just do NOT know where that is at the moment. It's ever so difficult playing the employee game. I wish I could be honest about how I'm feeling. I wish it wouldn't just become ammunition or a reason to shove me out sooner than I want to go, but I can't. SO, here I sit, plotting and planning in silence. 

I have faith that everything will work out, but truthfully, I just wish the way forward were a bit more clear. 

I know I function on fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being useless. 

Only I can make myself see myself as enough, and worthy of taking up space on this planet. 

I'll learn how to do it. I am learning. Just taking my time. 

Meanwhile, it might be about time to break out that camera I got a few years ago and learn how to use it because my phone camera is just blah. I do love taking pictures. I do love art. So, that may be my general focus, as the rest of life meanders on. 

I don't really know what else to say today, so I'll shut it for now. 

I hope life is treating you well. 

One Thing, Four Agreements, Crab Rangoon, Biscuits, and the Isolation of Assumptions

Look at this crazy fucker. He was GREEN. I have never seen a green moth until here. Trippy. 

Sorry for the close-up of my skin. I tried out the macro function on my camera, and here we are.

I took a break from saying anything. Mostly because I assumed I wasn't really offering anything of value to anyone, let alone me. 

I decided to try something different - some brain work. I used to read. I used to read a LOT. I read book after book after book, fiction, non-fiction, horror, non-horror - pretty much the only thing I didn't read regularly was in the romance genre. I read those when I was too young to read those, and learned more than I probably should have ... HA. 

I had an unexplainable fascination with the mafia when I was in high school, probably because I read The Godfather. That fascination remains. 

However, my love of reading waned over the years. With the internet, the ability to focus and not achieve immediate gratification faded and vanished. 

Last week, I decided to change that. I can't tell you the last time I started, read, and finished an entire book. I might read a few pages, and then poof, gone. I have given away more books than I have ever finished in the past 20+ years. I would buy them, consider them, ignore them, dust them off, and donate them. 

I've also been listening to assorted people talk about success and productivity and the lot. Who better to get inspiration from than successful people? I'm not talking about "influencers," but people who have built multi-million-dollar careers starting from nothing and working their way up. 

Anywho, I got some reading ideas from them, including: 

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Economic Facts and Fallacies by Thomas Sowell

The One Thing by Gary Keller

I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi

and the ever-popular (at least I ASSUME) Atomic Habits by James Clear 

I have set aside time in the mornings for reading. Instead of mindless scrolling, or just starting work, I take 30 minutes to an hour to read some from each of the above books. 

I've not been true to my plans for keto, nor my plans for getting more movement. It is what it TIS. Life continues on. 

Not an excuse, but a fun fact ... The gym, as it is situated, is 1.5 miles from our house, directly straight north of the house, actually. GETTING THERE, however, requires a five-plus-mile drive in one direction or t'other, due to the fact that there's this gigantic wash, and NO roads that cross the wash. 

That's my house at the bottom, and the gym at the top ... I wish I had a hovercraft. 

I'm going to guess that going east down to Houghton will be the much quicker path, or path of least resistance, as there are less lights, and it's mostly out in a more deserty area. If we were to go the other way, west, we hit all manner of lights, and twists, and turns, and blahbity blah. 

All that being said, I have yet to get there, and it's making me feel pathetic. I can't even walk out the front door and walk around the neighborhood. I am tired of my inability to follow through, tired of the fear that keeps me trapped in my safe lil bubble, away from the big cruel world out there beyond the block fence. 

I am the world's biggest coward. I watch people in way worse condition than I am making changes, putting themselves out there for all the vile cruelty the internet has to offer, but me? Here I sit. Literally. 

Maybe I do need therapy. Maybe it's just the fact that it's getting close to the anniversary of both my half-brother's and my mother's passing last year, and part of me feels like "What's the point?" Since my brother passed away just on a random afternoon when he lay down to take a siesta. Off he went. What the fuck? Makes me kind of leery to take naps. Not that I don't, but still. It's heavy on the mind. 

THAT is all on the personal health and fitness front. 

However, I have made huge progress when it comes to getting some other shit done, like 2024 taxes. I finally got them filed yesterday. I put it off long enough, and I guess making an appointment with an accountant for help with the 2025 taxes was motivation enough to get these done, since that person will need to see that return. 

I also bought a printer, though I told myself I wasn't going to, so I can print out all the important documents that I will need to take to that appointment at the end of this month. Woot. Now to just get the thing out of the box, set it up, and print things out. I did at least make a list of all the items I'll need. I intend to show up with a very organized folder containing whatever is needed. 

If I've learned anything over the past four years working for accountants, it is that you should get your shit together BEFORE you go see them. Don't just take them a pile of random papers, dump them on their desk and expect them to work miracles. Not gonna happen. 

In weatherly news, we're actually getting rain. O.O 

In news about town, we went to a restaurant called The Barnyard the other day, for the second time. What we got out of it was that we really liked their dinnerware. Come to find out, it's made right here in the city by none other than some relative of the same folk that make Coors beer. Since that was called Banquet Beer back in the day, it's not really shocking that they would make the table service for the beer banquets, now is it? 

So, we may take a trip there someday soon and see what there is to see. They do have some Día de los Muertos plates that could be interesting. 

Here's a random sunset ... 

And here's a random moonset from last week. 

On the keto food front, I have located a couple recipes I'm willing to try. First, some keto crab rangoon sticks. They look delightful. Let's see if I ever get the urge to put that much effort into cooking them, though. 

Same with this recipe for biscuits and gravy, a thing I wish I could have more often. I'd say there's probably a significantly better chance that I would attempt to make this than the crab rangoon, but you never know. 

All that being babbled on and on about, all I can say is I'm trying. Trying to either climb or dig my way out of this hole I've fallen into. There are good days. There are bad days. There are days that are just days. I don't want pity or sympathy. Just needed to air what's going on in my brain. 

I hope things are well in your world. 

Cranberries, Doors, and the Power of Negative Thoughts

Just a random cloud last night that I filtered the fuckity fuck out of because it was that kind of day. 

I can't remember where, the other day, but I heard this: 

So, then, the algorithmic gods decided I was in the mood for this: 

And MY GOD, they were not wrong, and I am NOT mad. LOOK at that color!!! IT IS STUNNING!!! That is the color of happy in my heart. It is perfection. In other news, I may attempt to make this if I ever sign back up for the NYT so I can achieve the recipe. 

This is our new friend, Nipsy. Aptly named because of the fact that it appears he is missing a bit of his tail. We can't decide if this happened by nature, or by HVAC unit, as Odin was chasing a leezard around such unit the other day. No idea if it was the same one, but you know ... Assumptions were made. 

So, let's start the discussion on the power of less-than-positive thinking, shall we? 

Above, you see an overhead shot of our backyard, as seen when we first laid eyes on the house. You will notice that I drew some green lines on it to mark the areas that we are looking to get refinished. I won't share why, but the first go around was a complete failure, and seems to start the snowball of negativity every time we dare to speak of it. 

Let's just say lessons were learned that won't soon be unlearned. 

So, we want to have the entire space completely REDONE. No repairing, no saving what's here, just wipe it clean and start over. I don't know what else to say to make that more clear to contractors. They don't seem to understand that we are not happy with what's here now, which is NOT in that picture. It's more like this: 

Whilst it was a vast improvement over the original version, that lasted for all of maybe a couple days. It's now covered in weeds, but hey, we had SIX ROLLS of weed barrier left over when they were done ... and supposedly they had bought enough turf to cover at least 50 percent of the yard space, but what you see here, plus what's on the side out of view, plus a few small swatches is all that actually existed. 

The gravel idea is my fault. The installation, the first contractor's fault. It now sits anywhere from 3 to 6 inches ABOVE the paver areas. It's, for all intents and purposii, FUCKED. The gravel goes everywhere, in the turf, all over the pavers ... EVERYWHERE. 

There will be no repercussions, though, because what was supposed to be a "less than a week" project took nearly a month, and we just wanted them gone, so we said what we had to say to get them gone, and decided to live with it for a minute. 

SO, yeah, since it pisses us off to look at it every day, we decided to get quotes to get it completely redone. But here's what I don't understand. You have a consultation. You ask them questions like: 

1. Do you have actual landscape designers on your team. 

    "Yeah, yeah ... We have a design team!" 

2. Can you reset the wall (seen behind the dogs) to be level (as currently, the three-stone-high creation sinks down to two stones in the middle). 

    "Yeah, definitely. We can fix that, no problem." 

3. Can we see actual designs, layouts, etc. 

    "Absolutely!" 

4. We want very little to NO gravel. 

    "Great, we'll just move it out." 

However, this person's life is just a fantasy, because the reality is we got this: 

1. Design team of one - their receptionist trying to create plans on ChatGPT. 

2. Their first quote included NOTHING about fixing the wall

3. We receive ZERO layouts, blueprints, designs. We got random images of pieces/parts of the yard, but no overall visual. Her response: "I'll see what I can do." 

4. Wait till you see the final overhead visual ... There is MORE than just a little to NO gravel ... 

At this point, I'm over it and will find a designer, or design it myself, and then get a contractor who can install it. I do not comprehend ... I don't know how we could have made it any clearer. 

There were no notes taken. It took over five days to get the initial quote which ignored everything we asked for. I'm just done. Everything will work out eventually, but for now, today, I am just done. 

Because that was only half of the problem ... 

We also got a new front door. Not once, but TWICE. The first time, the installer opened the carton and discovered several areas where it was damaged, and paint was chipped off. Clearly, they didn't bother to let it dry all the way before packaging. That took some six weeks off our lifespan. Then, they had to re-order, adding another six weeks or so ... and yesterday, once he had everything "installed," he realized they sent the wrong frame so it would not shut properly. 

It's temporarily installed and sealed, but they either need to be fixing it THIS WEEK, or I'm going to scrap it and go somewhere else. I mean, WHAT the HOLY FUCK? 

I love the actual door, but all the fuckery surrounding it is not boding well for its longevity. So far, we're batting 50/100 with contractors and jobs. Something has got to give, and it shouldn't keep being ME (US) giving DEARLY and getting nothing back. 

It's making me nauseous. 

Because the stress, and the pressure, and the negativity snowballs, and it just keeps growing, and growing, and it's just enough. 

I just want to be happy. Therefore, it's up to me to MAKE me happy, and that means NOT letting all this extraneous bullshit slap me in the face constantly. 

Okay, now that I've gotten THAT out of my system, totally went off the rails yesterday and got a Strawberry Cheesecake shake from Sonic, and it was definitively a mistake. Not even worth the calories, sugars, or carbs. On the bright side, we achieved more bags of Sonic ice, so all is right again. 

Yesterday was just a weird day, and I am hoping to ensure that today does not follow suit. I have to work out the door situation, but it is NOT going to rule the entire day. I'll just be here working, and thinking, and planning, and moving forward. 

And planning on when I can make that cranberry tart thingy. 

At least I ended the day with this beautiful scene from The Beef ... 

I know nothing of her other work, but Olivia Colman knocked this role OUT OF THE PARK. Her sense of peace and presence of mind are the calm in the middle of a storm. This scene makes you know that every little thing is gonna be alright and it all works out. 

Happy Thursday! 

It's 5:55 Somewhere

Apparently, the monsoon "season" is a little late to the game. We've had more rain in the past week than we have since arriving here in early June. Oops. Either way, I'll take it. It's so lovely to sit outside on the patio and watch the storms roll through, deposit water here and there, and put on spectacular lightning shows. 

Did you know that a lot of the houses here do NOT have gutters? Ours is one such structure. It's trippy. I don't necessarily know the exact reasoning, but probably something about desert soil, etc. blahbity blah. Maybe because there are not typically basements or crawlspaces? I have no clue. 

Saw this in the sky yesterday morning. Seemed fitting. 

One of my typical responses ... 

So, on my journey of self improvement, I decided to sign up for a course on AI through Coursiv. It's a 28-module "intro" to most of the AI systems currently operating (ChatGPT, Dall-E, Perplexity, etc.). I got through the first one - very basic - on prompting. I already know how to do that on a basic level, so I hope they will get more in-depth on that in future episodes. If not, life carries forward. 

Directly after I signed up, the clock once again was at 5:55 - a recurring number in my current existence. Lest I never shared before, here's what the machines say it means: 

So, with me learning AI, maybe it's ushering in new opportunities. There are other INDIRECT changes going on that could also impact my future, but those are none of my business, and I will take whatever happens as it comes. 

If you needed more perspective on just how massive our world is, unfathomably giganormous, even, then there's this: 

 

5:40AM this morning, and THIS is how many planes were in the air between Tucson and a bit east of Dallas. Zoom out and it gets even more overwhelming. I was looking for the Fed Ex jet that typically flies over our house every morning around the 5:30AM mark, but it was nowhere to be seen. All that stuff is going on up there tens of thousands of feet above, and we never know it. Meaning focus on what's important because all that noise is irrelevant - compare it to the internet, and social media and the like. Does it even matter? Absolutely not. Life goes on every single day without me ever checking into X, or TikTok, or Facebook or Instagram. 

I thought NextDoor might be a good place to learn more about Tucson, but I was incorrect. It's just another site filled with miserable individuals that I liken to a nosy old lady peeking out her blind to see what the neighbor is doing so she can report it to whomever will listen. It's kind of gross. It was MINORLY helpful to begin with, but now, I believe I'm done with it. Garbage in, garbage out. 

Anywhooooooo, I found this yesterday: 

Looks reasonably simple. May have to give it a whirl. Don't know. Can't be any worse than that 90-second keto bread, and I dare say, it might be better because there's no gritty protein powder in it. The only thing that concerns me is that it is ALL protein (cottage cheese and eggs). 

It's supposed to be for a "wrap," but putting meat in it would be overwhelming my kidneys with all that aforementioned protein. Also, concerned about the texture. With there being nothing to make a "bread" like texture, will it just be like chewing on rubbery cheese? I do happen to have all the required ingredients, so perhaps I will test it out. 

A lot, but not a lot going on this week. We're finally getting the new door (the second time around) because the first time around, it was damaged and paint was chipping off) delivered, and then installed on Wednesday. No more green front door, and it will soon match the black garage door. I'll get a picture of the front once it's all installed. 

THIS was the before: 

We got new chairs for the living room because the original ones we got were NOT meant for the elderly, or even those of us in our 50s. They're fine to sit DOWN in, but once you try to get up, all bets are off. I love overstuffed chairs, but they do NOT love me. They also had zero support for the backside. 

I'm far too lazy to rotate the image, but you get the picture ... 

So, we are donating these, and they will be picked up today. The new ones were delivered Saturday. 

There's work to do, learning to do, and I have to make a run for provisions here in a few minutes. We have discovered the joys of Sonic ice, and we need more, so off I will go. I'll hit up the Albertson's right next door for some other stuff, and then back home. 

Happy Monday :) 

No Time Like Tomorrow ...

 Ever since learning that the younger crowd find the use of the ellipses inappropriate, that's all I want ... to ... do ... 

So, I was browsing through the library of Blogger pics I've used over the years in assorted blogs, and saw this:

It's not every day someone gives you a cup of dirt as a gift, and it's also probably not every day that you would LOVE a cup of dirt as a gift, but this particular cup of dirt was one of the best gifts I've ever received. Why? Because my Beloved was driving through Arizona, many, many, many, MANY moons ago, in the Painted Desert area, and knew that I wanted to be there (here). This was to remind me that we WOULD be there eventually. And here we are. 

The cup eventually had enough, so I transferred the red dirt to a Ziploc bag. I want to say it came with us in the move, but I'm not 10,000% certain because there are still some boxes in the closet that I have yet to unpack. But I will never forget being able to touch that anytime I was really longing to be HERE. 

It's the little things that sometimes have the biggest meaning. 

Then I saw this, and realized we NEVER have to see or feel this kind of weather again unless we want to! YAY us! 

Gotta love the old-school special effects, right?

And from the Really Deep Thoughts category, there's this ... 

I had this epiphany (a very rare thing indeed from my brain) ... You see the scale of the clouds versus the scale of the Catalinas below (past the house there). It's all about perception. As enormous as the mountains definitely are, that span of clouds could have completely enveloped that massive rock formation. However, one of those things is solid, and one of those things is everchanging and not at all permanent. Much like worries, problems, and drama. When those clouds dissipate, what lies beneath is what matters. The mountain is most assuredly me. Those troubles seem so overwhelming. They seem so absolutely insurmountable. Yet, they are not, and what is solid and real and powerful, is me, or you, or whomever. So, yeah ... Just remember this: Troubles are fleeting. You are not. 

And if I needed proof of this theory, then all I have to do is review the past week. Last time I wrote, I was going on about giving up the keto because it wasn't working. Yet, I still had keto foods left to eat, so I just ate them, and lived life, and also had half of the worst fast-food sammich I have ever consumed, I think (except Jack in the Box, which don't even ...). I pretty much was just in a mood and said "Fuck it." 

I don't know why or how, but I somehow managed to get back into peetosis, and lost nearly five pounds this week, and that was with consuming that horrid foodstuff, along with fried onions. 

I guess it falls under the category of "You get what you think about, whether you want it or not," and when I stopped obsessing, things happened. 

And THAT is why I'm not too keen on tracking things because whilst you can't manage what you don't measure, you can also drive yourself batshit and lose sight of what's truly important. 

When it comes to worrying and obsessing and overthinking, one thing is certain - tomorrow always shows up (until it doesn't, but at that point, you won't care anymore). There's always a new opportunity to do things differently, to be better, to be kinder, and to wake the fuck up. 

Just do it, whenever, however, whyever.  

Working Hard at Hardly Working

 Or is it the other way around? 

I won't say the struggle is real because it's not. It's all in my head. 

I'm stubborn to a definitive fault. I am also delusional to the same level of faultiness. Everything goes exceptionally well for a week or two, and then, my brain and body simultaneously go: 

From here

I talk a damned good game inside my brain, and even here, but then what happens? NOTHING. Absofuckinglutely NOTHING. 

Maybe it is just as simple as calories in, calories out. Or maybe keto was just a one-hit wonder and won't ever work for me again. I lost approximately 7-8 pounds, and then it just stopped and started going back up. 

Was I religious about it? No. Did I track anything? Nope. Do I give a fuck? Also, nope. 

The only good things to come out of this round were getting off the majority of sugar, and the majority of flour-laden snacks. 

Am I supposed to just give up the ghost and make do with how I am because of age? I don't THINK so, but I also don't know. I've been doing that (before this round) for the past year or more, and it got me nowhere but in the hospital with some fuckered-up kidneys. 

Maybe I'm not as healed emotionally as once believed, given the passing of the parents who helped me feel inferior for so long. 

Maybe I just feel like I don't deserve to improve. 

Thus far in life, I can't have confidence without being mocked. I can't stand up for myself without being summarily banished. I can't just be myself without every single thing I say being judged. 

Maybe I'm just tired. 

What I DO know about keto benefits: 

1. Makes my physical bean less achy. 

2. Helps clear psoriasis. Not 100%, but close. 

3. Makes me less prone to snackiness, but also not 100%. 

Got that gym membership all set up. How many times have I been there? ZERO. 

My mind needs to shut the FUCK up. 

I need to get over my assorted fears: 

- Being seen

- Not being good enough

- Being ugly

- Being in the way

- Failing

I don't know exactly how to proceed. 

I'm fairly certain it won't be 100% keto, because why bother? It's not doing what it should have done already. Or maybe I'm just too impatient. I'm not an OMAD kind of person because I like to chew too much, but I could be a TMAD easily because that's pretty much what I am now. 

(OMAD = One meal a day; TMAD = Two meals a day) 

Maybe it's depression, that long-standing non-friend who wraps itself around me like a lead vest and won't let me move (also bullshit, since IT is not ME, so it's ME who won't allow myself forward motion). 

So, if I go in the direction I am thinking - low carb, caloric deficit (but not starvation) - then first I have to know a few things: 

1. How many calories I need to consume just to exist

2. How many calories to eliminate

Let's go find out what those are, shall we? 

According to the Mayo Clinic calorie calculator, it say this: 

According to Calculator.net, it say this: 

With a BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) of: 

So, yeah ... 

I would have to keep the intake pretty, pretty, pretty low in order to see any sort of southerly movement on the scale thingy. 

Let's get one thing straight - I am NOT willing to live a life where I have to measure, track, weigh, and monitor every single morsel of food that enters my chewhole. Not gonna happen. Too much ADD going on, and not enough time left on the planet to deal with that shit. 

This means what I lack in tracking needs to be made up for with movement of some kind, be it gym, be it walking, be it whatever. 

I know I need to build muscle. I have none. I'm surprised at how well I can stand up given the lack of structure beneath the skin suit. 

Given the schedule of workings, it's tricky to make shit work in the mornings because of meetings. Not sure which of those I could get out of, but I might have to try - because I mainly just sit there and offer the occasional "Um-hmm," "Right," or "Nothing this week ..." 

I also know that after I eat that first meal (lunch) of the day, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING. Nothing. 

All of this is not excuses, it's just a factual representation of me and my schedule. 

There is zero reason why I can't go walk for a bit in the mornings. It's 6:40AM now, and I've been up since 4:30AM, and it's been mostly light for the last 30 minutes, so I COULD be out there walking around. Only thing that stops me is me and my fear. Fear of walking alone, and encountering these new formats of wildlife. I don't give a fuck about being seen. I am what I am, and mostly that's invisible, so whatever. I don't need an audience, nor do I care if anyone sees me out doing my thing. 

There's zero reason why I couldn't go to the gym at 5am in the morning either. No one is stopping me but me. 

Will I do either of those things? Probably not today, but something, (as I commonly repeat) has got to give, and that something has got to be ME giving up on the bullshit stories and lies I keep feeding myself. 

So, back to calories, now I have to find out what would be included in, say, a 1300-calorie day. Some protein, a lot of vegetation and fruit, and some fats - mainly butter or olive oil. I can cut back on the dairy. I can switch back to all half-and-half, and eliminate the heavy cream, and the MCT oil I've been throwing in my afternoon coffees. Those are easy fixes. 

Time to go do some research. I am prone to eating the same things day after day after day, so once I find SOMETHING on which to subsist, it should be much easier. 

Sorry this was all over the place. Just had to get it out of the brainspace, so I can move on. 

Happy Whatever Day This Is - Wednesday, I think? 

Last night's sunset

Skewering Memories, Veering Paths, and Desert Things

This is one of the places that sticks in my mind from the past. We went there at least twice, once with the whole family, and the last time, it was just me and the grandparents on my last visit to see them out (t)here back in early 1993. 

The facade may be different. I mean, cacti and trees do grow and change, but it definitely did feel familiar, but at the same time, all new. 

This place is deceptively GIGANTIC on the inside. Everywhere you looked, there was a new room. The building is ANCIENT. I think something like over 100 years old, and you can feel it, and see it in the way the rooms are constructed. It was a ranch house way way back before the Foothills became "THE" living destination that it is now. I doubt much of that existed even back in '93. 

The west end of the Catalinas, as seen from the El Corral parking lot ... (I learned today that using the ellipses is some form of wrong, according to the younger folk. If ellipses-ing is wrong, I don't care if I'm right, so there's that.) 

Just two of the seemingly hundreds of rooms inside this former ranch house. The floor, though? My god, it was gorgeous! 

We both had steaks (him a T-Bone, me a bone-in Ribeye), side salads, and tamale pie, which for you Easterners, would be sort of like corn casserole, but slightly different :), roasted mushrooms, and some format of butter concoction with cream cheese and garlic to top the steaks. The steak and salad were keto; the tamale pie, probably not. Life continues forth. 

We went early, probably 4:45, because we still don't know when the "busy" time is. It was the perfect time. There was SO MUCH food, though ... I probably have lefto'er meals for the next two days. 

After we departed, we took a drive down by the university. He wanted to see the U of A stadium, but didn't know where it was; however, we ended up driving right by it anyway, so bonus. The university area is somewhat cleaner and safer LOOKING than the area closer to us, which is good for the kids going there. I don't know if it IS any safer or cleaner, but from outward appearances, it looks like it would be. 

Speaking of skewered memories, ever since going to El Corral, and then later in life discovering Cork n' Cleaver in Fort Wayne, it always reminded me of El Corral. Then, when we moved here, we discovered that there's a restaurant called The Cork, or something like that ... but the inside and outside of Cork n' Cleaver reminds me A LOT of El Corral with the tile floors, and the many, many twists and turns to different rooms. 

The exterior is not at all the same, and it appears they have remodeled maybe, but it used to remind me a lot of El Corral on the exterior, sans the Saguaros and other desert flora, of course. 

So, as the curious mind often does, I consulted the Google Machine for the history of Cork n' Cleaver to see if it was related somehow to El Corral. 

Indeed, it was NOT. HOWEVER, Cork n' Cleaver was a chain restaurant started in the '60s, where? Scottsdale. Furthermore, there was a Tucson location, which is now what? The Cork. 

We have not been there yet, but we will be going just to see if it resembles the Fort Wayne branch at all. 

Small world. 

In other news, we haven't decided if we have bobcats living in the wash behind the fence, or if our turf just decided to start smelling like cat piss. Hard to tell, given that he did see the bobcat in the alley, but also, we have zero experience with turf, and whether or not the dog pee would start smelling like the cat pee over time, with lots of sun exposure or rain. We shall find out. I don't smell it this morning yet, so I am not certain of either. 

Just wanted to share this image again (It's somewhere in the archives) because it's fucking hilarious. 

This lil critter was seen very slowly skeedaddling up the fence yesterday. And by slow, viewing it from the patio across the yard, I thought perhaps it twas a bebe snek of some format. It was not. This is known as the black death-feigning beetle. I guess it plays dead when it feels threatened? We pondered how that would be an effective form of defense, given that you're then just a sitting snack for whatever is threatening you. Who knows? 

In other news, I didn't do too much damage with the shitty eating of the past two days, but getting back in the saddle again today. The food choices have not been kind to my gut at all!!! Let's just say there are rumblies in my tumblies!! 

Going to the market this morning to stock back up on things I can or want to eat, things for him, and probably other things. 

For him, it's Feetball Day. For me, it's do whatever I want to day, which will probably include a nap because I woke up at the ungodly hour of 3:24am. 

I think that's all I got. 

Happy Sunday!

 

The Sound of Rain, (Temporarily) Deflated Dreams, and Snow Queens

 

According to (SOME OF) the locals, this has been the worst monsoon season, and/or the hottest summer ever. Whether that is true, I have no idea. All I know is it makes me appreciate the rain that does choose to fall, more than I ever appreciated it in Ohio. 

Last night, there was a lovely period of heavy-ish rain. The sound is glorious. It's not the same as Ohio maybe because of the appreciation level. 

Today, there are more clouds ... 

As I sit out here doing my morning meditation (Coffee, smokes, and writing), all I can think about at the moment is why? 

Why am I here? 

Why do I love what I love? 

Why do I feel like my soul is finally home here? 

Why do I hate who I see in the mirror?

Why can't I just be happy with everything? 

Why do I allow anyone else's words to knock the wind out of my dreams?

Why is it so hard for me to read people? 

Why don't I see things coming? 

I read this, earlier this morning: 

Whilst I do not have a therapist (and probably need one), I can relate. It's called survival mode. It's just doing whatever it takes to get through a day without unaliving myself. This is NOT meant in any kind of dramatic fashion either, so please don't misconstrue that. It's just a way of life for me. 

You can't fix or change what you don't own, and this is me owning who I am. What other people think about me or say about me, I can't do anything about that. They see me in a different light than I see myself. 

All I wanted was to be happy and find the peace that was missing back there. I wanted a place in which to become the best me I could become. Maybe that's not in my cards. I don't know. Most days, I feel like I'm just taking up space. Not that there is NOT room for me to do so, but what value do I really add to anything?

Again, this is not "Woe is me" thinking, it's how I TRULY feel, and I'm not seeking attention, or pity, or anything really. I just need to say it outside of my brainshell. It's not directed at any one person, period. It's about ME. 

I feel invisible. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would when we got here. This is why it pays to temper your expectations. But even when I do that, and I go with the flow, it still comes back to bite me in the backside. 

I full well know that nothing for ME will change if I don't do anything to change it. So, why, in the face of that, do I allow the words or actions of any other human being to affect me so negatively? 

Currently, I feel like I took a breath, and am finding it impossible to exhale. 

I just wanted to be happy. 

Instead, I feel it all slipping away. 

There was this story I read when I was young, or heard it ... I can't remember, and for the life of me, I cannot find it ... Oooh, wait - let me ask AI. Maybe IT will know ... BRB ... 

Found it! The Snow Queen

And now, I will have to go re-read it because it is NOT at all how I remembered it to be, which would explain why I couldn't ever find it. 

And now, also, I can't remember why I even brought it up, except that I need to change how I look at things, so the things I look at will change. 

In other news, we had the absolute most HEINOUS rendition of Italian food last night. Suffice it to say, the NEXT time I veer off keto for a second, I will be doing MUCH more research, or going here: 

The first Prickly Pear anything I ever had, in margarita format ... 

The wall of their outdoor courtyard/seating area for large parties

Beeves hanging in strips in the sky to dry. I do not know why.

See, if I change my focus, I feel better, and what I focus on changes. I just have to keep doing that, right?

Distraction is key (kinda like how the government plays us (no matter who's holding top billing). 

I feel much lighter now, and the tears stopped, and I just want to move forward. 

Happy Weekend 💕