Other Clutter, Priority Lists, and the High Art of Letting Go

Added for cuteness. Nothing more. 

This past week, I encountered this meme which said something like (highly paraphrased) "I told everyone at work that this was a photo of the day I was born, and nobody batted an eye ..." 

Source: Internet

Gotta say, they really did nail the aesthetic, with the hair, makeup and costuming. It totally reminded me of this: 

Source: Family Archives

I'm fairly certain it was taken the year I was born - but see who's missing? And that one on the right held pretty much that same expression for most of the time he was being my dad. An accurate representation if ever there were one. 

I would have thought, over a year later, that I would maybe have felt some kind of sad about his passing, but really, it's honestly not any different than when he was here, still. I think gradually, over the decades, I learned the art of being detached from his art of detaching himself from anything resembling a relationship with me. Que sera sera, eh? 

I have to say, I have no clue why I was placed in the middle of such a twisted family dynamic, but here I am, and it continues on to this day. All I know is I am so over it. So tired of games and lies and manipulation and bullshit. 

Here with my Beloved and our animals is my safe home. I have no particular skill in reading people, but I can tell where I sit on the priority list of certain individuals, be it top, middle, bottom, or not even present on the page. But don't dare let them know that I know, or express any type of feels about it because then that makes me the asshole. 

All I can say is a hardy FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. I get so tired of having my own thoughts and feelings used against me in some twisted attempt to shame me. I also get disgusted at being treated as hired help. "Just show up when no one else will cater to my whims, and then go back away, and take your seat at the bottom of the pile." 

There comes a time when you have to choose YOU, and let all the bullshit fall by the wayside. You do you. I'll do me. Never the twain shall meet or agree. Fuck it. 

There are many issues at play here with assorted people that I cannot and will not divulge. Just suffice it to say, everything, from familial relationships to antique plumbing, at this current moment, is pretty much FUCKED. 

Hence, I find this to be very appropriate: 

Let's take a break to pause and reflect on how this cat managed to get in this box and cover himself up with giant bubble packaging. 

Ready to ship

I'm so over talking about the bullshit. Let's get to stuff that will actually help me feel better, shall we? I've been watching vidyas on Zentangling and creating mandalas, and realized that I do not possess a compass. So I bought this nifty lil set for some $7, and a sketchbook that isn't paperbound. I also got that book some time back and still have yet to dive into it. Talk about denial ... :) 

I am waiting on myself mostly, and assembling the new TV stand for the living room, so that I can move the old stand and old TV out here to the office/gym/whatever this room (read: old garage) is. Because THEN, it will free up the drawing table that is currently being used to hold the free weights. 

I still can't show you the before and after shots, but we are (mostly my Beloved) making serious changes to the appearance of the interior of our home. We are, indeed, practicing the very high art of letting go of that which has been keeping us in a down state. Old colors are gone, and by old, I mean those that were here from the time we painted them on when we moved in, or a few years thereafter ... I'm tired of being sad about things over which I have zero control, or even input. Not allowed to speak. Not allowed to say anything about how I feel. Just shut up and accept, or be banished. 

Sorry, we were talking about things that are designed to make me feel better, right? 

Some three to four weeks later, still finding a sense of comfort and familiarity in simple lunch. 

You want to make a bomb tuna salad? Here's the recipe: 

2 cans water-packed wild-caught tuna, drained well

2-3 heaping tablespoons of mayo

1 tsp dill weed

1 tsp onion powder

1/4 tsp yellow mustard

2 tsp Maille Whole Grain Mustard

A few drops of liquid stevia - I do mean a FEW ... Don't go slopping a bunch in there! 

Stir till it's all combined and serve however you want to consume it. I either et it plain, as shown above, or on keto whole-grain bread with American cheese. 

This mustard, though: 

It is delightful, and doesn't take much, so it's worth the cost. It's what capers WISH they could be. That's the closest thing I can compare it too. It doesn't taste at all like standard-issue yellow mustard. It's like a hint of mustard, a hint of capers, and a whole lotta flavor. I am not sponsored, nor is there an affiliate link. You can find it on Amazon, and we have it at Meijer, but as for where you may be, I don't know :) 

Also, let me fill you in on a secret I learned this week whenst making me hard-boiled eggs. Drop those buggers in BOILING HOT water. Seriously. I did have one partial casualty when the first one bounced off the bottom of the pot and cracked, but it still remained mostly intact. There are no gadgets, no additives to put in the water, no tricks. Just drop them in boiling water, and cook for 15-20 minutes, and then let cool in that pan. THEN, you will have the easiest hard-boiled egg I ever did peel. I cracked it on the counter, rolled it gently under my palm, and the shell nearly came off like a loose sweater. AMAZING. I can't tell you the number of things I have tried, including shaking them in a glass jar, that did NOT work. THIS worked. 

Here we see the hermit home office corner of the room. I really am loving the L-shaped desk. The chair isn't all that comfortable, but it'll do for now. I do wish it had more blank surface area so I could just do drawing activities here, but it's fine for the actual work I do. The swivel-pivot function is a key factor in optimal productivity. Before, I had one gigantic desk, and one smaller desk that were "near" each other, but not connected, so if I had to do work on the laptop setup, I would have to get up and move everything to that desk, but then go back to the other, if I needed something on that PC. NOT a good set up. 

I fully realize this has been all over the place. That was yesterday. Since then, amidst all the clusterfucks, our priority list has changed considerably, and I am currently fully in the throes of practicing that high art of letting go. Just breathe, right? If my husband is the barometer of all things atmospheric, I am the barometer of all things feels. Currently itching, aching, and just wanting to sleep until it's all over. 

Meanwhile, in the midst of distraction, planning for me, personally, has ceased operations. I am not planning to fail, just have to change direction for a minute, and then return to Operation Fix Me. Right now, I need to preserve what is left of my psyche, lest the whole thing fall apart. The line I'm towing is frazzled and unraveling, so I'm just going to slow my roll and gently plow through. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just openly talk about all the BS, but in the end, what good would it do? Talking about it, only brings it all the more top of mind, and I have found that NOT talking about things tends to work out better for all involved. Absorb, process, plan, do, move on, repeat. 

That all being said, off I go to get to work, and get shit done. Happy Thursday!