I thought I would write out my thoughts here first, but this may very well become the first episode of Opinion Piece (working title, because it's probably already taken), my podcast in the works.
A shot of failure
I put that new mic and boom arm to work yesterday, and recorded myself reading a blog post from January. It wasn't too bad. Ended up being about a 15-minute listen, including all pauses for stupidity, ums, ahs, etc.
I believe I am best at getting my thoughts out in a succinct manner when I first write them. Just "riffing" as the kids probably don't even say anymore, I sit here frozen. Nothing to say. Like that brain-dump, Morning Papers writing. Not a good thing.
So, it's Monday morning, and I did FAIL to plan out my workweek last night. Instead I just did some work, then played some Solitaire, and other mindless riff-raffy games (what's with the word "riff" today?) Is it an acronym for Right Inside Fail, or Right in First, or Ready in Five ...? This all remains to be seen.
I have my sexy Notion board all mapped out, and broken into Daily to-dos, Daily always-dos, Weekly, and even Monthly dos. Takes about 2 minutes to get it set up for the next day, if that. Keeps me in line because allow me to tell you, there is a magical metric FUCKTON of stuff I do and have to remember at any given moment. If I didn't have this page, I would surely be lost, and out of a job by now.
I don't know how anyone else keeps their shit straight, as I appear to be the only one really using it for work planning, etc. We use it for assorted web pages, and wikis, and whatnot, but other than that, it's crickets when I am there. And to think, that's what we used when the company first started, and EVERY thing was home-based there.
I can't really share it because privacy and all, but it's a very aesthetically pleasing page to my eyeballs, like Odin.
Look at dat face. Just LOOK at it ...
ANYWAYS, I listen to random shit throughout the day. Saturday, I listend to the audio version of The Compound Effect:
I'm sure the author is right, but I'm also sure that motivational speaking never motivated me to do anything. I'm more of a Van Down by the RIVER kind of girl.
I have a lot of things I want to accomplish:
Continue to lose weight
Quit the nicotine
Start that podcast
Do art
Etc.
I also have very little mental capacity with which to make all this shit happen. I have learned that you should not plan to quit smoking on the day there are 10 people running in and out of your house replacing your plumbing, all while trying to contain dog-beasts, a cat, and also attempting to accomplish work-related tasks. That was stupid. Also not good to think I could accomplish it in the midst of adjusting to his new work schedule. I haven't quite figured out if it will be a good thing or a not good thing, when it comes to quitting. One the one hand, it might be easier, since I have a LOT of alone time, and therefore, no temptation from him smoking. On the other hand, I have a LOT of alone time, which means, a lot of loneliness, boredom, and chances for breaking down, driving to town, and buying more.
The common denominator there, though, is ME. It's ME that has to do this, no matter what else is going on. And while it's never going to be the "right" time to quit, it has to be some time.
This is NOT a post about that, though, so off we go on planning, which is the real topic du jour. I don't have a plan. I don't have a routine to speak of. I just mostly exist to breathe, smoke, and work.
I was listening to some stuff from Jordan Peterson last night. I can't listen to him a lot because most of the time, he sounds so sad, and like he's about to burst into uncontrollable sobbing, but he does say some things that make sense. (nevermind what I said about motivational speakers) ...
Among the thoughts:
People who don't have enough order in their life tend to get overwhelmed.
Specify your damned goals because how are you gonna hit something if you don't know what it is?
If you keep yourself all vague and foggy, then you don't know when you fail
... I'll keep myself blind when I fail. That's fine, you just won't know it until you've failed so badly that you're done
Make a damned schedule and stick to it. It's not a bloody prison ... Set the damned schedule up so that you have the day you WANT
And here we are some five days later and I have progressed no further. I have no schedule. I have no plan. I listen to goal-setting content, and all I can think is what is the fucking point, and what do I really want? I don't even know what I want on a grand scale.
This has to stop.
This being nothing, doing nothing, sitting here taking up space - it just has to stop.
It starts with what I did last night. Went to dinner with a friend. Got out the damned house. Did something other than work or go to the store. Just went out and be-ed.
Sometimes, I feel like I have dumbed myself down to the point of being a blithering idiot full of soundless fury with much nothing about ado. If all the world is truly a stage, then what the fuck am I? A dust mite up in the rafters?
I have forgotten how to dream. I've been too long stuck in reality. Ask me to define myself, I would fail to be able to do so.
Being full of useless quips and quotes today, I'll leave it with this: There's no time like the present, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment