What This Fool Believed

I spent a lot of time yesterday and the day before coming to terms with my age now. What the capital FUCK? When did it get to this point? 

I don't even remember what was going on last I wrote, except all the familial BS. I am still banished, and just living my life. Life does move forward, regardless of the things that happen. I chose to NOT sit still and wait for that to change. 

The world is still worlding, and much to my delight, it keeps going even when I don't pay attention to it. 

As of August 2nd, it will be one month since we stopped smoking in the house. Woot. One month. 

I really thought that the Doobie Bros.' "What a Fool Believes" would have more practical application in today's discussion, but after reading the lyrics for the first time ever, and also realizing that there is no such word as "Nostalgictive," and instead, the words are "Nostalgic Tale," I have come to learn that really the only thing that applies is this line: "What a fool believes, he sees ..." 

So, in light of the fact that I'm probably on the back nine of this here life, I've sort of come to terns ... 

TERMS ... I've come to TERMS with the fact that time is limited, and moreso even than money, it's a resource with a definite scarcity factor. Doesn't so much seem that way when you're 20, 30, or hell, even 40, but now, at the spritely young age of 56, I am currently "What the Fucking?" all over the place. 

So, back to the not smoking indoors ... While the AMOUNT that I smoke has decreased significantly, and I expect will keep decreasing, the amount of TIME that I waste DOING said smoking outdoors (instead of whilst I am working) has exponentially INCREASED. Not good. 

No, I'm not going to go back to smoking inside. But here's where I have to divulge the very disgusting truth and call complete and utter bullshit on myself. 

On your phone (or most phones) there's a weekly report that shows how much time you used the phone, and which apps had the most usage. Get the fuck ready for this, because it's rather alarming. Can you fathom a guess as to how many hours I spent on my phone last week (alone) on ONE app? I had no clue. 

I had to reread that report at least four times before that sunk in. 

What the holy fuck? I had no idea. And also now have zero excuse ever again for "not having enough time." 

I don't spend any time, really, on socials - maybe 15 minutes tops. And since moving the bad habit outdoors, my YouTube usage has gone from all day, every day, to maybe once a day, if that. 

So, essentially, I have been frittering away my life outside on the deck or the bench, blissfully ignorant, playing my game, or making notes, and lists in my manual device (aka notebook and pen), or reading. 

I haven't been taking care of myself like I should or as I deserve. I have wasted a significant amount of time waiting on the world to get better, relationships to get better, etc. I hide in my office, doing work or just piddling around, bemoaning my current state of being. 

No fucking wonder. 

Something's gotta give. 

I had time yesterday to go for a lovely walk in that cemetery I mentioned last year. We had time to go to the city and explore a new place. I have time tomorrow to leave and go have lunch with my mom. I had time to drive across state and go meet my sister and niece in person. 

Why is it, then, that I have such a hard time, on the regular, finding PRODUCTIVE usage for my time here at home? 

There is so much I COULD be doing here, at home, inside, outside, all around. This report has really made me realize what a waste of space I've been. 

I think it stems from giving up on myself. 

When I went to Arizona earlier this year, I had a LOT of time to examine my brain, and learn a lot about how I want to be treated and what I am willing to put up with versus walking away. I think, now, in light of this bullshit, I need to walk away from this version of me, and get to the better me, and stop waiting around for some miracle to occur. 

I am so done waiting on others to be honest, loyal, faithful, understanding, etc. Done. They can do whatever it is that they will do, but I am choosing to stay as far away from it as I possibly can. The way I see it, if they are willing to discard me, there wasn't really ever anything there to begin with. Everything is fleeting. Everything is temporary. 

I haven't quite mapped out what I want to do, but there will be a lot of self improvement going on. It's been almost two years since the last time I had a proper hair cut. It's been longer than that since I had a manicure - like decades, really. I realized yesterday that I truly do not own anything of a nicer nature to wear during the warmer months. Fall and winter, I'm golden. Spring and summer? Not so much. 

No time like the now.