Working Hard at Hardly Working

 Or is it the other way around? 

I won't say the struggle is real because it's not. It's all in my head. 

I'm stubborn to a definitive fault. I am also delusional to the same level of faultiness. Everything goes exceptionally well for a week or two, and then, my brain and body simultaneously go: 

From here

I talk a damned good game inside my brain, and even here, but then what happens? NOTHING. Absofuckinglutely NOTHING. 

Maybe it is just as simple as calories in, calories out. Or maybe keto was just a one-hit wonder and won't ever work for me again. I lost approximately 7-8 pounds, and then it just stopped and started going back up. 

Was I religious about it? No. Did I track anything? Nope. Do I give a fuck? Also, nope. 

The only good things to come out of this round were getting off the majority of sugar, and the majority of flour-laden snacks. 

Am I supposed to just give up the ghost and make do with how I am because of age? I don't THINK so, but I also don't know. I've been doing that (before this round) for the past year or more, and it got me nowhere but in the hospital with some fuckered-up kidneys. 

Maybe I'm not as healed emotionally as once believed, given the passing of the parents who helped me feel inferior for so long. 

Maybe I just feel like I don't deserve to improve. 

Thus far in life, I can't have confidence without being mocked. I can't stand up for myself without being summarily banished. I can't just be myself without every single thing I say being judged. 

Maybe I'm just tired. 

What I DO know about keto benefits: 

1. Makes my physical bean less achy. 

2. Helps clear psoriasis. Not 100%, but close. 

3. Makes me less prone to snackiness, but also not 100%. 

Got that gym membership all set up. How many times have I been there? ZERO. 

My mind needs to shut the FUCK up. 

I need to get over my assorted fears: 

- Being seen

- Not being good enough

- Being ugly

- Being in the way

- Failing

I don't know exactly how to proceed. 

I'm fairly certain it won't be 100% keto, because why bother? It's not doing what it should have done already. Or maybe I'm just too impatient. I'm not an OMAD kind of person because I like to chew too much, but I could be a TMAD easily because that's pretty much what I am now. 

(OMAD = One meal a day; TMAD = Two meals a day) 

Maybe it's depression, that long-standing non-friend who wraps itself around me like a lead vest and won't let me move (also bullshit, since IT is not ME, so it's ME who won't allow myself forward motion). 

So, if I go in the direction I am thinking - low carb, caloric deficit (but not starvation) - then first I have to know a few things: 

1. How many calories I need to consume just to exist

2. How many calories to eliminate

Let's go find out what those are, shall we? 

According to the Mayo Clinic calorie calculator, it say this: 

According to Calculator.net, it say this: 

With a BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) of: 

So, yeah ... 

I would have to keep the intake pretty, pretty, pretty low in order to see any sort of southerly movement on the scale thingy. 

Let's get one thing straight - I am NOT willing to live a life where I have to measure, track, weigh, and monitor every single morsel of food that enters my chewhole. Not gonna happen. Too much ADD going on, and not enough time left on the planet to deal with that shit. 

This means what I lack in tracking needs to be made up for with movement of some kind, be it gym, be it walking, be it whatever. 

I know I need to build muscle. I have none. I'm surprised at how well I can stand up given the lack of structure beneath the skin suit. 

Given the schedule of workings, it's tricky to make shit work in the mornings because of meetings. Not sure which of those I could get out of, but I might have to try - because I mainly just sit there and offer the occasional "Um-hmm," "Right," or "Nothing this week ..." 

I also know that after I eat that first meal (lunch) of the day, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING. Nothing. 

All of this is not excuses, it's just a factual representation of me and my schedule. 

There is zero reason why I can't go walk for a bit in the mornings. It's 6:40AM now, and I've been up since 4:30AM, and it's been mostly light for the last 30 minutes, so I COULD be out there walking around. Only thing that stops me is me and my fear. Fear of walking alone, and encountering these new formats of wildlife. I don't give a fuck about being seen. I am what I am, and mostly that's invisible, so whatever. I don't need an audience, nor do I care if anyone sees me out doing my thing. 

There's zero reason why I couldn't go to the gym at 5am in the morning either. No one is stopping me but me. 

Will I do either of those things? Probably not today, but something, (as I commonly repeat) has got to give, and that something has got to be ME giving up on the bullshit stories and lies I keep feeding myself. 

So, back to calories, now I have to find out what would be included in, say, a 1300-calorie day. Some protein, a lot of vegetation and fruit, and some fats - mainly butter or olive oil. I can cut back on the dairy. I can switch back to all half-and-half, and eliminate the heavy cream, and the MCT oil I've been throwing in my afternoon coffees. Those are easy fixes. 

Time to go do some research. I am prone to eating the same things day after day after day, so once I find SOMETHING on which to subsist, it should be much easier. 

Sorry this was all over the place. Just had to get it out of the brainspace, so I can move on. 

Happy Whatever Day This Is - Wednesday, I think? 

Last night's sunset