Sunrise on Speedway
It's been a minute. Nothing much has changed. Depression set in hardcore, the new backyard (and front yard) remodel has begun, went to see an NP because I wasn't feeling so hot, got some meds, taking said meds, and now, here we are.
The state of this country is beyond my level of comprehension. The state of the world, outside the internet, seems somewhat more normal, but given where we moved, we are much more aware of the things you won't see living in rural Ohellio. The crime, the murders, the addiction, the "unhoused ..." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? UN-HOUSED? What, for fucks sake, is wrong with "Homeless"?
As the Fighters of the Foo once said, "It's times like these, you learn to live again ..." Probably wrong, and very heavily paraphrased, but yeah ... We are learning to live again in a completely new surround.
One thing hasn't changed, though - my expertise at being invisible. I was invisible in Ohio. I am invisible here, but HERE there is desert, and there are my mountains, and that is everything I need.
We went out to the Desert Museum, and it was absolutely magnificent, the drive out, and back, and walking through the museum.
We also went to the HF Coors pottery place over on the west side, and spent way too much on Day of the Dead plates, but I don't care anymore. I don't blow cash left and right, but when I want something special, I'm getting it. Fuquitol.
I learned that my boss isn't who I thought he was. I won't lie - it's totally exhausted my supply of fucks, and working now is a struggle. I'm having a hard time separating personal activities from work, especially when their behavior bleeds into work. There's probably a touch of resentment going on that what we have all worked so hard to build, he could knock over in two seconds flat.
So, betwixt depression, and dealing with the boss thing, and dealing with the backyard thing, and dealing with not being able to fix anyone or anything but myself, not gonna lie - it's been a bit much.
I'm still reading, and bought two more books. I've now put myself on time out. I can't buy any more books until I finish at least one more of the stack I've built in the past few months.
I started drawing again - or whatever that thing is where you doodle with lines and shapes, etc. Zentangling? Yeah.
The city is loud this morning. That's been an adjustment - not the loudness, but from whence sound is coming. Something can sound like it's northwest, but come to find out, it's right on the other side of the house. Whilst Speedway is not that far away, maybe a couple blocks or less, at our end, it's not as heavily trafficked as the west side or on the way to downtown, so it's hard to determine where the street noise is coming from. I have never claimed to be geographically nor scientifically gifted, so there's that.
Case in point - I know generally where Mt. Lemmon is. I can even look at it from our place, but for the life of me, I cannot tell you exactly WHICH peak is the actual Mt. Lemmon. If I look on the map, it looks like it's straight north of our house, but if you look on the map, it looks to be northwest. Crazy landscapes.
Fun fact, not about mountains: I learned that a vast majority of the homes in our neighborhood are identical in blueprint. It's a TRIP. This community was built in the 70s, and clearly, they weren't big on individuality of home design back then.
As is the state of my brain, flipping back to the state of our world today, there's just so much ugliness, so much hate, so much bitterness and vile behavior from people who call themselves humans. We can preserve centuries-old cacti, but we can't even begin to preserve dignity, sanity, or safety. All living beings are expendable.
I've been blessed to have found the job I have. This I do know, but I also know that I have zero say in whether they push me out at some point or not. I also doubt highly that I'd be able to get a similar "job" with another company, based solely upon my age. This is the point when they start pushing people out and replacing them with machines or interns or youngsters willing to take smaller salaries.
This is why I am focusing on learning new skills and being able to ease back into the gig economy or starting another business. I don't quite yet know what that is, but I've been exploring my options and formulating plans.
The universe seems to agree - as I've been seeing lots of 444s and 555s as of late. Cool.
I just want to be of worth. I just want to do something that provides me with a sense of purpose. I just do NOT know where that is at the moment. It's ever so difficult playing the employee game. I wish I could be honest about how I'm feeling. I wish it wouldn't just become ammunition or a reason to shove me out sooner than I want to go, but I can't. SO, here I sit, plotting and planning in silence.
I have faith that everything will work out, but truthfully, I just wish the way forward were a bit more clear.
I know I function on fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being useless.
Only I can make myself see myself as enough, and worthy of taking up space on this planet.
I'll learn how to do it. I am learning. Just taking my time.
Meanwhile, it might be about time to break out that camera I got a few years ago and learn how to use it because my phone camera is just blah. I do love taking pictures. I do love art. So, that may be my general focus, as the rest of life meanders on.
I don't really know what else to say today, so I'll shut it for now.
I hope life is treating you well.
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