I'm Not Where I'm From

So, finally, some nearly 30 days later, I felt all the feels I hadn't yet felt about my dad's mostly abrupt exit from this world. 

I turned this video on because it's mellow and such ... but the more I listened, the more everything just boiled up. There are lots of lyrics in their songs about death and relationships that haven't worked out in the best ways. I obviously relate. 

I think I'm good now. I was feeling bad about NOT feeling much of anything, and now that I have actually FELT something close to sadness about the whole thing, I can move forward. 

We all have to deal with our pain and our grief in our OWN way. There is no method, no matter what the internet says, that is better or worse than any other. It all is what it is. It's personal, and as private, and as internal as you choose it to be. 

I thought about calling my friend, but really, I didn't want to talk about it. I thought about talking to my Beloved, but again, what's there to say? He's heard it all. He's been here every single time they knocked me down, and he's helped me get back up. I didn't have anything in particular to even say. I was just sad, and I sat with it. 

Then I went to the store, bought some cheese and white-corn tortilla chips, and a peanut butter cup, and came back home and just chilled with an episode of Dead to Me (season three). 

It was a lazy kind of day. I got shit done in the morning. I did quite a bit of work stuffs in the morning before the feels took over, so the rest of the day I spent kind of quietly. 

I was surprised to see that my blood glucose came in at 91 (before lunch). Go me. My appointment is Monday. Can't say I'm looking forward to much of anything other than getting a full panel of bloodwork and seeing the results. I want to see where my cholesterol, triglycerides, and other components are sitting - especially kidney/liver functions, just to make sure things are all kosher. 

I had a fuckton of kidney pain during the week or two surrounding his departure, but I'm going to chalk that up to the very shitting eating I was doing, and the stress. After I went back to a more normal dietary intake, and all the services were done, it mostly subsided. 

Now, it's just the shoulder and a recent arrival of upper back pain. The shit just moves around my body and works it way out. I know what I NEED to do. It's just the doing of it that I have trouble doing. 

It's the weekend. Let's see what I can get done. 

Have a good one!