My daily reading, yesterday, produced this gentleman ... This is what the Moon Reading people had to say:
"The King of Cups has appeared today to remind you that you are the master of your emotions, even if it may not always feel like it. No situation or circumstance has the power to make you feel any certain way. We have been taught to give our power away to circumstances and we tend to believe that we can only feel good when something good happens. This creates a dangerous loop because it is our emotional state that manifests our circumstances, not the other way around ..."I could pretend that I have mastered my grief emotions, but that would be a fib of tremendous proportions. Whilst I don't show any particular outwards signs, all my pain manifests on the physical side of the court. The past nearly two weeks - all manner of kidney pain. The stones are a rockin' and rollin' and tearing right through ... Thankfully, the Chanca Piedra is keeping me from a trip to the doctor, clinic, or hospital just yet.
I know the indirect cause - all the junk I've been consuming, including the copious amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper, and increased coffee intake. I'm monitoring, just to make sure I don't end up in the hospital again with another ass-walloping kidney infection. Drinking lots of water. Hoping this, too, shall pass without incident.
As for the feels, I can't help how I do or do not feel about my dad. It is what it is. I hope he found what he's been obsessing over ever since I can remember. I hope what was on the other side was what he believed to be. I also realize that it's kind of, nay, VERY hypocritical of me to be pissed at him for not ever making the time to get to truly know me without judgment, when I didn't push harder to spend more time with him.
I see a lot of people who had very close relationships with their dads, and have felt great turmoil, and sadness in the wake of losing them. I just can't relate. We did not have much of a relationship at all, let alone anything resembling close. He spent most of my life trying to lecture, preach, change, or otherwise let me know that I never measured up. Whatever. His loss. He put all his faith in the hands of the invisible Almighty. No time to believe in a mere mortal waste of oxygen, right?
When someone chooses to show nothing but disdain or disappointment in your general direction, it's kind of hard to feel all warm, snuggly, and fuzzy in theirs. My heart ached for decades. Now, all that's left are bits of anger, and humiliation. There is no hurt for him being gone. He was checked out long before his heart stopped beating. So be it.
If you think me cold-hearted for saying this out loud, feel free. What you think of me is none of my concern. Maybe I write about it because maybe there's someone someday who will be able to relate and who needs to hear that it's all good. You can let go of that person, and you can live your own life and know that you are good, regardless of what they said, displayed, or thought.
Though my kidneys and their stone-y residents might give the opposite illusion, I know what I feel, and I'm at peace with that.
The rest will work itself right out.
Meanwhile, back at the 12-Week-Year Ranch, I came back down from a bit of a gain, and am hovering around the 206 mark.
I'm taking a break from listening to the productivity persons, and just going to take what I've learned thus far and see where it leads. I'm spending this week playing catch-up with the workload, so that's been my main focus.
I have some artistic, creative plans in my future, but it's a gradual process. First, I have to figure out where to begin.
Blood glucose has gone down considerably. I was at 105 yesterday before lunch. Tonight, an hour after dinner, it was only at 118. I think that's pretty damned good, all things considered, and in the low to mid PRE-diabetic range. PRE means NOT ... If I can completely lay off the diet pops and junk, I think I have an excellent chance of decreasing it even more.
Sometimes, I really miss that peach Stur in my water. I've been doing Jamaica and key lime juice with a bit of stevia, but it's just not the same. I'm going to have to go back and see if it's actually made a difference eliminating it.
My biggest challenge is movement. Still not doing anything regular, and while I know that needs to change, I haven't quite mastered the accomplishment of it just yet. No time like the present, I know. The only person holding me back is me. We'll see where my brain takes me tomorrow.
As for now, that's all I got to say about anything. I leave you with this ... https://fb.watch/hZREK03guG/ Just watch it. It's worth it. It's just a short from Facebook.
No comments:
Post a Comment