On Being ... Day 70

 

Letting go of the past opens up a lot of possibilities ... Until they find all the bodies, right? 

The above used to contain these: 

Ever since we moved here some 18 years ago, it stood pretty much like these pictures, taken a few years back when I went on a walk. This past year, we noticed the barn started to have a decided whole-body lean going on, and we mused about how long it would remain in an upright position. Then whoever owns it tore it all down. First, piles of rubble, then buried, burned, and pretty much just erased. 

Which is what I really need to do with my past, and all the pain that comes from whence. A lesson I should have learned long ago, when they erased pretty much any reminder of me from their home, and from where we lived before we moved here. Today, you'd never know we were ever there. Just another field. 

Most all of this verbal vomit is brought to you by Sugar, that poison that infiltrates my brain space and brings me straight down. I don't have happy thoughts when I consume a lot of it. I've just had pretty much a fuqitol attitude since he took his leave of the planet. If I've learned anything from that part of my family it's how to bottle up those feels and pretend they don't exist, all whilst stuffing your face to keep them hidden. A+ for me. 

I could have made better choices, but I didn't. You do what you have to do to get through the things you have to get through in the moment. Maybe there will be time to fix the mistake, maybe not, but all you can do is live in the now. 

My nows, going forward, are going to revolve around moving on. If I needed any clarification of where I stand with them, I got that yesterday. It's all good. They won't notice my absence. They won't call until they need something. Or they won't call at all. 

You wanna know why I haven't watched my wedding video more than about twice? Because someone had the lovely idea of having our guests say something supportive, or encouraging, or just lovely in brief messages. When they got to my parents, all my dad could manage to say, on one of the most important and beautiful days of my life, was "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

At least there wasn't ever really any question of where he stood, right? 

I know you're supposed to forgive, forget, and move forward, but that was something that hasn't quite evaporated still, and I can still feel the sadness and humiliation that it stirred in me. There aren't a whole host of people I ever told about it - basically, me and my Beloved, and that's about it, at least that I can remember. I can't even tell you where the video tape is because I remember everything that I want to remember from that day ...

I'm just so over it all. You can only crash into a brick wall so many times before you go in a different direction, right? 

So, about all the extraneous bullshit, like life? 

I woke up incredibly early, after having a very large glass of Kahlua and cream last night. I threw the rest of the bottle away. Clearly, drinking + carbs + sugar maketh me a very snore-y girl. My apologies to my Beloved for keeping him awake. 

I was bored and tired this morning, due to having to resort to our stash of  Emergency Coffee, which has complete and utter hell in a cup. Eww. I was not properly caffeinated, and thus I ate the rest of a bag of Sun Chips, and some of those little Pirouette cookies before I threw the rest of those away. That was the last of the junk (food). 

We went to the store. I just wanted to get out of the house, and out of my headspace. That worked for a minute. 

We had steak and mashed cauliflower for lunch. I ate probably a bit over a third of mine, and all the mashed cauliflower. 

I was still tired probably an hour later, so I took a significantly long nap. I had many dreams, none of which I can remember. I always sleep incredibly hard when I nap. It's a different sleep than normal respite. It's like my body becomes concrete and I exit, and then take a good hour to fully re-install myself back in human form. 

We ate dinner around 7pm-ish. I had a Factor meal - Pimento Cheese Chicken. I ate most of the vegetable, but only had maybe four bites of the chicken. I just wasn't in the mood. I'll finish it for lunch tomorrow. I had a few Elote almonds, and that's been it. 

I got some more coffee, but at this late hour, it hasn't done much but make me more tired. 

Just a bit of randomosity - there's a lot to learn here: 

Day 70 Progress

None. I went a lot ways backward. Tomorrow is a new day.