I can't even define (without Google) a "sticky wicket," but I do know I needed to just wipe away what wasn't working, and do something new. That depression hit hard Sunday - a culmination of all things death, life, shitty eating, shitty choices, etc. It was hardcore. Not the worst ever, but it was heavy. This is the kind of world I lived in for months at a stretch before I changed (very gradually) what I et, and did, and nearly disappeared for a while once I began keto the first time, back in 2017.
If you're curious, no, I do not take any form of medication. I've tried a majority of the antidepressants on the market, and typically, my brain's response is somewhere between hypnotized, stoned, and downright zombified. You don't feel the depression anymore. You just don't FEEL ANYTHING. And I'm not keen on taking a pill to remedy the side effects of the other pill - that shit is for the boids. Nope.
While I haven't cured it 100%, at least I do know what things wake it up.
Sunday was for wake-up calls, seeing what I don't want, and realizing that the only way to not keep having what I don't want is for ME to DO something about it.
So, yeah ... I got up today (Monday, clearly) and decided to do something different with my world.
You know that crazy contraption in Google called Calendar? I USED IT.
As if the Universe wanted to confirm my thoughts, this showed up in my YouTube feed:
The synopsis? Get out of your head, and get into systems, and organizing. Make it visible.
My issues with myself:
I make great plans in my head. They go nowhere.
I waste a LOT of time. A LOT.
I suck at STARTING new things. Those weeds are deep and tangly. I get lost in them.
I'm good, once I get going, at DOING the new things, but then life, or boredom, or whatever else takes over. I LET it take over.
I say "Fuck it" way too much. I give up.
That's just the short list, but it's sufficient enough to make my point - I need to try something I haven't tried before because what I've done up to this point hasn't worked.
I don't know how long this planning and structure thing will last, but all I can do is try.
So, back to the Calendar, I made a micro map of my days:
It is subject to change. It is flexible. But it's enough to get me off my ass, and actually getting the shit done that needs to get done that I far too easily put off. Maybe simple stuff, but if you have an ADHD brain like I do (or as the kids now say, "Neurologically divergent"), then this might be enough to keep me on the tracks.
It's 6:30. Time to move for a minutes.
Now it's 6:38. First round of movements complete.
I knew, on Sunday, as I just sat like a lump, that I needed movement. I always have the perfect roadblocks in place for NOT movement - no time, don't know where to start, blahbity-blahbity-blah-blah, whatever. So, it's now a part of the day. At least five minutes, three times a day. There are approximately 15,943.8 videos on YouTube about five-minute stretching routines. Perfect.
I realized, after only five minutes of stretching yesterday, that my shoulder, which froze up on Sunday, was nearly pain free after I got finished with the stretching. I don't have full range, but I ended with way more movement than I started with.
I also had exponentially more energy, just from the first five minutes than I had all day Sunday. I might not be in Arizona yet and able to go outside on any given day of the year to walk around and take in the vitamin D, but for now, this will do. I have to do something. Even if I don't go to the gym (tried that, failed that) or go to the living room and work out with DDP or a DVD, I can do five minutes of stretching movements behind my desk.
Back to planning, I have the year mapped out, roughly, in Notion (a platform we use for work). I've got overarching goals that I want to accomplish this year, and I've also got a page for general brain dumping, and smaller things to accomplish.
This is all probably akin to those people who live and die by their daily planners. I tried that a while back (read: decades), but it just wasn't sticking. I'm at or near my computer 80-90% of the day. I am the Borg. Digital planning for the win.
For now, I'm not creating any 12-week, 45-day, or other time-determined set of goals. I want to see how this goes.
We aren't meant to stay stagnant. I used to think change was bad. Now, I realize that we need change, even if we don't like it, in order to learn and keep evolving and keep living. Fear of change means staying stuck forever. That is what I do not want.
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