Conflict of Interest - Day 80

I feel like I might want to abandon the first 12-week-year plan and just start over with a new one. That seems to be the overarching feeling I get. Current events have just put me on my ear. Focus is fucked, as far as old goals, and my heart is just not in it. 

In case you've forgotten, which I did, what the plan was, it's here: https://anothergutreaction.blogspot.com/2022/11/lack-of-control-freak-day-one.html

As for progress: 

Goal 1 - Do Keto for 90 days - Mostly succeeded until I gave in to stress. At this point, most days I am keto. Other days, about 50-50, and other days, FUQUITOL! 

Goal 2 - Lose 15 pounds - I did lose 10 pounds, and then three of them found me again. Today, I'm sitting at the 207 mark. 

Goal 3 - Become NON-diabetic - I think I've succeeded for the most part. I've been wavering between non-diabetic and pre-diabetic readings on the home monitor, but without doctorial proof, who knows? 

Fuck reboots, I just need to wipe the slate clean and start over. 

It's a mental game, I know. Letting outside forces control my thoughts and actions is my downfall. Current events notwithstanding, typically, I've gotten pretty good at ignoring what others do, and just focusing on me. 

I'm just tired. 

I don't want to listen to any more "motivational" bullshit. I don't want to read any more productivity articles, or books. Every motherfucker on the planet has an (differing) opinion on what's the best way to do anything. Good on them. 

I'm going to take today to think about it, and devise a plan for the next 90 days. I did like the 90-day thing mostly, but I wonder what would happen if I cut it in half and just did a 45-day plan. Or maybe fuck plans and goals and I just do the best I can do every day. 

Being undecided sucks. I know I don't want to be "All talk, zero action," but I just don't know the best route to getting there. 

Fairly certain that depression hath set in because most days, in the past few weeks, I've gone between YOU CAN DO THIS to FUQUITOL, what does it really matter? 

The intelligent me knows that it DOES matter because when I eat shit, I feel like shit. The kidney pains, the chest pains, the inflamed joints, the swollen appendages, and the feeling of malaise, ennui, and overall meh just sucks. 

I have to just get over what is happening around me, and just be me and make the best choices I can make for myself, regardless of what anyone else chooses. 

I won't apologize for the negative thoughts spewing outward - just something I have to work through, and this seems to be the only place in which I can work those out, so here we are. 

There's some quote I can no longer remember about fools putting off starting ... I'm one of the fools. It takes me a minute to work up to it. 

So, that's what I'm doing today. Working up to it.