That picture brought to you by the fact that I wanted it to be the thumbnail for this, rather than what you'll see next.
Moving on ...........
Ever get a song stuck in your head, and you KNOW it exists, but you cannot locate it for the life of you, with the Googley Machine, OR with ChatGPT?
I've got these words looping in my brain cell:
"That's just the way that it is, and you can't change it ..."
So far, in search of this elusive tune, I've listened to snippets of Jefferson Starship-Airplane-pick-a-name, Bruce Hornsby, and Phil Collins. I gave up. I'll find it later.
Yesterday, while dealing with the feels around a currently happening situation, this popped up in the ol' UTuub feed:
What really mattered: The title - "Unpack Delayed Grief"
I'm not quite sure what the Universe is trying to say ... Is this really DELAYED grief, in my case, or just not much grief at all? There just wasn't a relationship to speak of for which I could grieve. It still feels the same as when he was alive. Nothingness. Once I realized that most of the interactions he ever had with me were forced (by my mother) and nothing he really seemed all that enthused about doing, I gave up trying.
Side note: Whilst writing this, my brother called, and basically said, "Now I understand why you live where you do, and not closer ..." The games, with my mother, they still continue ...
Eventually, I'll have to listen to the episode, but I'm not all that keen on Ms. Handler - no particular reason, she just doesn't do it for me. I'll still have to listen to know whether there was something inside that I need to hear, or if it was just a gentle reminder from the aforementioned Universe to do some more grieving.
Meanwhile, big changes are about to happen at the Ranch, as I think I mentioned the other day, and I struggle with any sort of vision about what things will look like when all the work is done.
Also meanwhile, I have once again really let myself go, and lived with all the carefree abandon of a 17-year-old me. Much to the detriment of my sugar level, which was a hearty 171 this morning, with but one tiny sip of coffee ...
I have all the feels - the tingliness, the ache in the chest, etc., the body aches from too much carbage, also etc.
I briefly considered going the drug route, and maybe achieving one of the currently popular diahbeetus drugs. I am watching it work for a friend. I did some reading, and watched all manner of reports, both good and bad. I just can't. It's not a realistic approach for me, especially given my brain, prone to anxiety and depression. I can't.
So, that leaves me with me.
It's another Monday, and another chance to start over.
I have learned, over the past several months, that a "normal" lunch meal is too much, as is a "normal" dinner meal. Therefore, I'm not looking at this as calorie restriction, but as in cutting meals in half to avoid the detrimental fullness and lethargy that ensues when I overeat.
I've thrown out the sucralose-laden Torani syrups, which weren't all that great once I left them alone for many months.
Not gonna lie - I ate ALL the carbs/sugar this weekend, and past week. Those are gone, either by way of chewing, or garbage can. The Diet Dr. Peppers - gone.
I know how I feel when I eat clean, and I know how I feel when I eat garbage. I am choosing clean.
I'll be taking my vitamin D, choline, and B12 regularly, and eating low-low-carb, but probably not a technically keto existence.
What will it look like?
Morning: Coffee, and water with Jamaica and Key lime juice
Lunch: Small salad with homemade ranch dressing, tomatoes, onions, Queso Fresco cheese, and a few of those fried onions
Dinner: Greek yogurt, peaches, chia, hemp hearts, and crush pecans with cinnamon, and stevia
Snack (evening TV watching) berries with heavy cream or Elote almonds.
No, the almonds aren't all that clean, but better than a bag of tortilla chips and cheese, or crackers, or cookies, or Fast Break bars.
Other than that, not going to obsess (for me). Not tracking nothing. Weighing in daily because that will probably remain constant for the rest of my time on this planet. Just going to focus on the things that matter, stop eating my feels, and my boredom, and make the best of this human suit I've got on.
In other news, working on a new store that will only provide digital products (papers, clip art, etc.)
Got the new laptop this weekend (I probably didn't mention it before), and just waiting on a KVM switch so I can attach it to this monitor, and not have to buy a new desk. However, that IS an option, if it comes down to it. I do have a drawing desk, but it sits up a bit too high for my comfort (or for maintaining feeling in my legs/feet). Also got a new graphics tablet, so it will be great fun to learn how to draw digitally. I am really looking forward to that!
Also going to be working on getting myself back in a mental groove, work-wise. After a year-plus, I have finally learned how to take weekends off; however, I still need to up my Monday-Friday game and get better at getting shit done.
Other than all THAT, not a lot going on. A new week is here. Time to move forward.
Sneak peek of the new digital scrapbook paper series, Wildflower Skies. :)
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