I needed a break. I needed to reset my brain, and my soul. I needed to take a breath and reassess. Yet, as Mr. Lennon supposedly once said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or something to that effect.
Oh, and the last time I had coffee was approximately 4:00 am Thursday morning. Go figure.
I'm pretty sure I spent the entire drive to the airport in silence. My flight was leaving at 7:00, and of course, it snowed overnight, so the start was a bit slow, but once I got to the highway, all was clear of hazard.
People are very quiet early in the morning, even in large groups waiting to board a small plane. Large group would be an exaggeration, but still ... Not a whole lot of conversation going on. This is pretty much what it looked like leaving Fort Wayne:
Travel induces several layers of anxiety in my brain cell. The planning, and the execution both riddle my stomach with knots. The fear of the unknown, and the fear of failure, and an underlying sense of "Is this the last time I'll see anyone?" just put me at odds with my decisions. But then, you get above the clouds, and you feel the sun, several degrees more intense than below, and things start to smooth out.
I absolutely adore this little gentleman, but raising a puppy can be just as stressful as raising a tiny human. If you disagree, that's cool, but that's my experience, and I'm sticking to it. The universe likes to throw curveballs here and there just to see if we're paying attention, I guess?
I've been juggling a lot of fucking balls in the past year, and I think (THINK being the key word) I've managed fairly well, but the arrival of Odin really kind of put me in a tailspin that I wasn't expecting or at all prepared for.
I don't tend to talk out loud about what goes on because really, who IS NOT going through SOMETHING, and it seems like when I really and truly have a need for someone to hear me, there's just too much noise and I either shut down, or what I say just gets lost in the shuffle. And the shit just builds and builds and builds and I know when I'm reaching the point of no return, and THAT is when I actually just need a break.
I needed such a break last year, but didn't get it. Life goes on. Then, a few months later, my dad passed, and all I could do was shove it inside. The year thereafter was fairly decent until my Beloved's company went under, leaving him, and many 10s of 1000s others sans employment.
What followed was what it was, and we dealt with it in our own ways, healthy, or unhealthy. I mostly chose the unhealthy route, because what better way to bury your feels than to eat them to death with a magical metric fuckton of carbage. There was no where to scream, no where to cry, no where to do anything but just keep plugging away and treading water so the whole damned proverbial ship didn't sink.
I got sick, like really sick, when my body said "Fuck you, watch this ..." I got over it. I dealt with every change, every schedule. I took on more work on the side, and then, boom, Odin. Father of the God of Thunder, right? Do you know how easy it is to do transcription with a puppy in the room that needs potty training and behavior training and needs to burn off puppy energy? Suffice to say, it doesn't work at all. If you work out in the brick-and-mortar world, imagine if a very needy, very chatty coworker was constantly at your cubicle, or your machine, or your station, asking you questions, needing you to stop what you were doing to go get something for them, and constantly exuding their nervous energy in your aura. How much work would you get done? That, on top of all the other things proved to be too much for my brain to handle.
Which brings me back to needing that break. It's been planned since before the holiday, and I finally committed to the flight, and other arrangements. I thought it would be good to see a friend, and spend time exploring the city or the state and just forget my own trauma-drama for a minute. I wasn't planning on walking into what I walked into, and so, in that moment, I made a choice to take care of me, rather than spending my few days of vacation trying to do something (that I had already tried to do in the past) that would make life easier for someone else.
Call me selfish. Go for it. Maybe I am, but this break was NOT the time for me to focus on fixing something I could not fix. It was supposed to be for me to fix ME. So, that's what I did. I chose me. I chose solitude, peace, and a clean room in which to sleep, eat, knit, not pray, and learn to maybe like myself. I cannot, nay WILL NOT, for one second longer, just shut up and accept something that I would never have done to someone else. I'm sure it doesn't sit well, but I'm not second or third class, and I refuse to accept being treated as such, and expected to act like it's okay. Just remember, I can't help you fix you when I am struggling to stay afloat myself.
That all being said, here are the things that matter:
1. Meeting the people you work with, face to face, and having a far too short, but above and beyond excellent time getting to know them better and being made to feel like you matter. These people all showed up because I came to town. They did not have to. They didn't have to leave the comfort of their homes and go out. They did not have to take time out of their busy schedules to drive up and spend time with me, but they did. These are all wonderful, kind-hearted, excellent people that I have the fortune of working with every day (except probably weekends, unless we feel like working), and it is something I treasure and I value!
2. Taking risks, even when it means doing stupid things, just to know that you are capable. I was awake very early Saturday. At one point in 2023, we had been looking at houses just below this mountain. I also was trying to orient myself geographically because what I see on a map does not always gel with how I see it in my head OR how it actually IS, in person. There's probably no logical way in which I should have gone on an adventure at 5:30 in the morning, but I did. I wanted to drive around South Mountain from south to north just to see how long it would actually take, but being a disoriented mess, I just went with Alexa's directions, and ended up going north first, and eventually ending up at Dobbin's Lookout.
Sorry for the shitty shot, but this is what happens when you're trying to drive, stay on the road, and take a picture with the cellphone. It was kind of an eerie drive, but it was much needed, as it allowed me to think about what I wanted for the day. What I wanted was NOT to have to pretend, but I also didn't want to spend the day with anyone who couldn't hear me, so I chose me, again. How selfish, but how absolutely much weight it lifted off of my brain is indescribable.
I chose a day of seeing more of Scottsdale, old and new, than I had ever seen previously. I drove up to Taliesin West because I wanted to tour the house. However, lack of planning prevented me from realizing that you had to have a reservation. Meanwhile, I had made plans to have lunch with my boss, and therefore would not be able to make the next tour time. Hence, I hung out for a moment, and enjoyed what I could see, and visited the gift shop where I got something for me, and something for my mom.
This is what a dead Saguaro cactus looks like ...
This is a rock. A very tall, very statuesque rock at the entrance of the museum/house
Some gorgeous metal sculptures in the outdoor lounging area
The top of Taliesin West. Woot.
Some more sculptures and landscaping
Betwixt leaving Taliesin West and lunch, I was going to visit the Native Art Market in downtown Scottsdale, which I believe is part of "Old" Scottsdale and also fairly close to where I first met my boss in person back in 2021. When I got there, there was ZERO parking to be had, and NOT being familiar with the area, I didn't want to chance parking far away and then getting lost, so I headed (unbeknownst to me) back in the direction I had just come from, and went to the local Best Buy to get a car charger for my phone. Then, I made evening plans with my former boss (transcription) who had also moved to Scottsdale after the COVID Years, and of course, it meant driving BACK to Scottsdale later that evening.
I didn't take pictures of the lunchtime activities with my boss, but we visited the O.H.S.O Brewery in North Scottsdale and had a lovely meal out on the patio where we did not talk work at all and just told a few stories of our life experiences.
I also did not take pictures of my former boss. It just never came up. We did meet though, and establish that both of us actually exist and are human. We caught up on old company gossip and what we are both doing now. It was just an excellent time. We were originally planning on meeting at Chauncey Social, but due to the "game" being on, the place was packed to the gills, and so we walked across the way and had adult beverages at Lou Malnati's, which was way better suited for conversational activities.
This is my timeline from Saturday. I never did make it around the south side of South Mountain. Another time.
I think that's about enough, but I have more to tell, so I'll share part two when I get it concocted.
I'll leave you with this parting thought:
It doesn't make sense to expect someone to dim their light so you don't feel bad about yourself.
Just don't.
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