When last we spoke, I was traipsing back and forth, up and down, side to side, exploring parts of Phoenix formerly unbeknownst to me.
During the times when I was not driving around, or visiting with people, I had time to sit in my car outside my hotel room, and watch all the assorted Arizonan berbs. These pigeons are HUGE. Not even sure if it's a pigeon, but that's what I'm going with. They also have grackles, which were equally HUGE with songs much different than we hear here in our own backyard, the literal one.
I also finally found a new fragrance to call my own (or to wear ... I didn't create it). Very light, and very pleasing to the beak, and did not cause chemical headaches of any kind. I loved it so much that I ordered the actual parfum, and another bottle of this body spray because I gave what I had left to a beautiful Mexican woman at the rental car drop off. She was glorious and happy and it was a pure joy to bring her some bit of extra happiness.
More sunrise. Some day, I will learn to use my camera, and then take it with me, so I can take excellent pictures, rather than just capturing moments with the luck of the Samsung draw.
Me and my whispies accenting the last views of mountains at the rental car center. Exciting shit!
Sans whispies, you still get blue skies, and glorious mountains with some form and function.
I was always terrified of giant airports, like Sky Harbor, until I got there. It's a beautiful facility, very well organized, and easy to navigate. Security was probably the easiest one I've been through (with Seattle being the most taxing on the brain.) I don't believe in all my adventures, I ever saw the downtown skyline, so here it is. Kind of like going to Seattle and not seeing Mt. Rainier until you're above the clouds, and only seeing just the tip. Phoenix, thankfully, really is mostly straight grid streets, so it is delightfully easy to get around, and even if you get lost, but have a general idea from whence you came, you can just "go around the block" and start over. Le phew.
And now, I leave you with some aerial views of leaving ... ascending ... and watching the sun set from a plane - all in that order:
Ah, Chicago. Every time I hear the word, I hear Mr. Cellophane ... 'Cause you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there ...' One of the best John C. Reilly moments ever, and never a line in a song ever fit me as well as this, but I (ME) am starting to change that. Fuck being invisible forever. Fuck being a doormat. Fuck thinking I don't deserve as good as everyone else. Fuquitol.
This was a trippy view that went on for the rest of the flight out of Chicago ... Like someone put a filter over the city.
Someone grew whilst I was gone, again. Quelle surprise. And now, all is right again with the world because I am back home with my babies.
And back to the harsh cold reality of Ohellio ... (the temperature, not the music)
I learned so much about myself, and others on this trip. It was required reading, and I finished the book. I've learned that you can't help someone who doesn't want help. I've learned that when people show you who they really are, believe them, and stop trying to pretend like it's anything else. I've learned that I do have a limit, and I've also learned how to exercise my voice and leave when something doesn't feel right.
I learned how to take care of myself first (like they tell you on the plane, put your own mask on first, and then help others). I've also learned that when I need help, I have to help myself, rather than hoping that someone else will save me from myself. They won't. It took me repeated times of asking and crying out to realize that. The gaslighting, the passive-aggressiveness, and the outright "I'll cancel you if you don't wholeheartedly agree with me," have driven me to a point of realizing that I have to put my own opinion of myself first.
Whatever falls into place or falls out of the lineup after that, so be it. I am a good person. I have given and given and given to those around me that I love, and to others, as well, and I'm not done doing that, but I am done with bullshit. I can't make anyone else see my worth. I can't make anyone else's decisions for them, and I certainly cannot fix anyone else. I am supportive. I will listen. I will answer questions. I will give advice if I have anything of worth to offer. I will NOT play games.
I've made a lot of observations over the past few years, and the thing that comes to mind is we all have to own our own shit and clean it up. Nobody's coming to save us. It's NOT a cold-hearted view, it's a fact. And the longer we wallow in self pity, and our drugs of choice, and our drama, the longer we stay there.
I'm not staying there anymore.
xo
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