Before I forget, I forgot to tell you about an absolute angel I met on the plane last month. She reminded me of my daughter-in-law. She was tiny, but you could tell she just had a good strong energy about her. We were exiting Chicago for Phoenix. She was returning home to Arizona after trying her hand in the military, which she discovered was not for her. Good for her for knowing when to call it quits!
Anywho, for context, I have a hard time with take-offs. The speed, and the act of a plane leaving the ground, right at that moment when the front wheels lift off, and then shortly thereafter, when the whole thing is airborne, and pointed more upward than down, and the physical sense of pressure all just gives me a tremendous amount of anxiety and ear pain. I mostly try to ease my discomfort by chewing no less than five pieces of gum, holding my hand to my chest, somewhere above the rack, and looking out the window and down at my uncertain future on the ground.
Sunrise Somewhere above the Midwest
This sweet soul noticed my lack of ease, gently tapped me on the arm, and held out her hand for me to hold, which I gladly did, and she let me hold her hand until I was back to okay. Just a simple act of kindness and caring that meant the world to me. I hope wherever she was going and whatever she does next will bring her all the best things.
On a completely unrelated note, if you need some good focus music, on a lower volume, trust in Billie:
So, for whatever reason, Friday was not a great brain day. Some ongoing heartache boiled to the surface. It's not a fun thing being cancelled by a child because you chose to say something that needed to be said. But that's part of taking the masks off - being 10,000% honest. No more games. No more trying to "keep the peace," by muting what is in my heart. That's really all I can say about it here, but just know it sucks, and it weighs on my mind and my soul, and it's gonna take me a hot minute to just let it be what it be.
Those feelings kind of continued on into Saturday. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I am the mess of a person that I am. NOT that I am a hot mess every second of every day, but just why I am who I am. I don't know of anyone else in all of my lineage has ever experienced any part of the autism spectrum, except for one person that has been diagnosed. I don't ask because it's none of my business, really. It's nothing to be ashamed of, by any stretch of the imagination, we just have never talked about such things. If we did, I have forgotten, and for that I apologize. It's what the decade of my 50s seems to be about - losing touch with memory, short and long term.
As an aside, yesterday (I think), I forgot to shut off the water. I was filling up my non-Stanley cup, which I bought several years ago before all this current BS ... Maybe I was confused by the new SUPER FAUCET beside the filtered water faucet? Regardless, the cup was at the fill line, and instead of turning off the water, I pulled the cup out and just kind of watched the water run onto the sink and countertop. THEN, because that wasn't enough of a hint, I just turned the faucet, so the water was running into the sink, at least. Then, I had time to put the cup down, and finally I figured out that I should turn the water flow to the OFF setting. Yay for aging.
So, back to that highly talked about spectrum, I wondered if it's something that impacts me. And because Google now has the capability to read your thoughts (and conversations on any platform), I was served up a video in my UTuub feed:
So, I watched it. I related. I then found this site: https://embrace-autism.com/, which houses several self tests. Guess who took all of them. Guess who passed, or failed, depending on your perspective? Let's review the results, shall we?
First test - the Autism Spectrum Quotient
Next - RAADS–R
Next - Cat Q:
Finally, the Aspie Quiz. I disliked this one. Not only did it appear to be from the early '90s, it was just painful to look at and take. Yuck.
So, either there we have it, or I wonder how many people who consider themselves normal would rate somewhere on the spectrum of these tests?
I wonder, often, how much of what we, the people, living today, have going on is self-inflicted, and caused by the overexposure to the world from a tiny screen. I'm 56. I have lived an entire lifespan without knowing the results of these tests. I've made some super shit decisions in my life, and I've done fucked up things. All this gives me is an excuse for having done/said whatever I've done. All it does is explain at least part of why I am the way I am. It doesn't solve for anything.
Frankly, I'll probably never mention it again because what would be the point? Had we known any of this back when I was a child, maybe - MAYBE - it would have changed a few things, or maybe not. Of course, I do NOT have the same view of myself that others have of me. I can't see myself from the outside. I can only tell you how it's been from inside this skin-and-bones suit. I cannot compute. I mostly measure by what people choose to say and do, and whether those two things align. I have always had a hard time with trust. I constantly weigh everything I say out loud, or write against how others will perceive it. The few times I have not carefully weighed and measured, it has come back to bite me.
Let's just say it's a crap shoot any time I choose to say what's on my mind. Throw the dice and spin the wheel, and see what number I hit (that's probably the worst gambling analogy ever constructed).
On a completely different tangent, the absolutely EXQUISITE amount of detail in this video made me watch it from start to finish. I don't quite agree with some color choices, but the level of care and art this person exhibits are nothing short of magical. I would do this all day long if I had the ability to see such things in my own imagination. Alas, I cannot, so I will just sit here and marvel at the talents of others.
So, what do I do know, after seeing these test scores? Pretty much nothing. I am who I indeed am, and no amount of testing will change that. There's no magic pill, or lobotomy that will change anything. I'm not going to start adding labels to myself. Let's consider this just a glimpse into the person, as a whole - or is it asshole - that I am.
In other words, my feelings about it are fairly non-existent. It didn't change a thing. For me, and ME ALONE - not applied to ANYONE ELSE - it wouldn't serve as anything but an excuse for why I fail to accomplish things. I'm not looking for excuses. I'm looking for solutions, and this is not the answer.
In other NEWS, I have recently discovered this trippy woman. She has got some pipes, and a stellar imagination. I thoroughly enjoy her personality. Go her:
I think that's good for now.
Happy Sunday 😎❤️😗
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