On Gaslighting, Silence, Blatant Hypocrisy, and Better Living in the Desert

So, I wrote the following last year, after apparently some of the rage from the former banishment surfaced. It pretty much still applies, since nothing was resolved last week in Seattle. 

8/22/25

I can't share memories of what was because that person says they wish that part of their life had never happened. Joke's on them, it did happen, and they can never change that no matter how much they try to pretend their way out of it. 

It comes up randomly now. I used to obsess, day in and day out. Now, just random events make it bubble to the surface. Yesterday, we learned that a friend of theirs (from high school) had suffered a horrible major medical trauma. Suffice to say, I saw their name in the list of donors on a Go Fund Me page. If I say any more than that, THEY would say that I'm trying to make it about me. 

Well, fuck that. It's NOT about me, but it's about memories of a time that they don't want to exist any longer. Those were GREAT memories, but in their mind, they never had a good life when they were with us. And sorry, but I am ALLOWED to feel sadness for the current situation, and I am ALLOWED to talk about how it makes me feel without it being self-centered. 

I miss those days of the house being filled with the sounds of laughter, and talking, and general tomfoolery. I miss making dinner for all of them, and seeing their smiling faces. This person WAS happy back then, even I guess only for fleeting moments when they were with their friends. 

At some point, maybe I will share the memories that I have that THEY cannot erase from me. Only time and the Universe have the power to fuck with my central storage unit. For now, I'll just say this: 

So, if you're gonna try to gaslight me and turn everything around and make everything my fault, or call me selfish and self absorbed and self centered and say that I'm trying to make everything about myself, and you do it enough times, I'm going to have less and less to say out loud. 

The quieter you become, the more you can hear ... (A shirt by me)

Also, the quieter you become, the less ammunition you give them to throw back in your face. If I don't talk to you and share my innermost feelings and tell you how things make me feel, you have no way to come back at me and say that I'm trying to make everything about me. If you do say that, YOU are not being honest. 

When I talk about it here, it's different, because I'm not divulging the gory details for inspection. I'm giving an overall general impression of the things that have made me who I am today. 

I used to be all so absorbed in the dramas, and emotion. Now, it's either pretty much mellow, or pretty much livid, and not a lot of gray area in betwixt. 

I have learned to speak up when something is not right for me, instead of taking it on the chin like a good mother, or wife, or friend, or employee. Of course, there are consequences for being honest (see above), or things I don't speak about, but at least I know that I (ME) stood up for myself, and that I won't go down without a fight. 

If someone tries to belittle you, or make you doubt your worth or your thoughts, that would be a THEM problem, and that would be something you don't need to wear like a Scarlet Letter. 

At this point in life, there are few things I want. 

I want to be creative. 

I want to be heard. 

I want peace. 

I want to feel not ugly anymore. 

I want to be and feel healthy and alive. 

That's a pretty basic list, and it's pretty achievable if one starts blocking out the noise. 

I want to feel how I feel when we visit the Mission: 

I want to feel how it makes me feel when I am driving north on Camino Seco and I see this: 

Or step out the door and into the street (after looking both ways) and see this:

Or drive up in the Catalinas near Sabino Canyon and see this:

My pictures don't do any of it justice, nor can my words accurately describe the feeling, but that's pretty much all I want. 

According to many of the Tucson Theys, we chose to move here during the driest monsoon season in a while. Not gonna say we caused it, but we bitched and moaned about the cold and rain in Ohio right up to the day we drove away, and it feels like the Universe said, "Watch this." 

Well, I was going to upload the video of last night's brief rain, but the file size exceeds the limits of this here blog, so just suffice to say, it sounded, felt, looked, and smelled glorious: 

It was muchly appreciated for what it was, no matter how brief. We haven't had rain in this neighborhood since early July. Not sure when we'll get rain again, but I intend to celebrate its arrival now, rather than whine and bitch and moan about it, as I would have done in Ohio. 

I don't have a lot else to discuss. Just wanting to clear my mind, and maybe show you that we all have issues we don't talk about, and whatever you're going through, someone, somewhere will understand and relate. 

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I have to insert my thoughts about the blatant hypocrisy going on. How can one expect others to accept them fully and without question for their choices, when they refuse to give the same in return and outright reject anything that doesn't completely align with their beliefs? How? 

I'm pretty certain there will not be resolution or repair. Not because I don't want it, but because I refuse the manipulation, the gaslighting, and the expectation that I must bow down to their every whim. Not doing it. 

I never once rejected them for their choices. Ever. I just didn't use the Trans-approved nomenclatures and language when speaking to them. Someone forgot to give me the Instruction Manual when they selectively announced their choices. 

And therefore, I guess I deserve to be shunned, rather than given even a moment of grace in which to process and learn. Also, therefore, I deserve to be shamed because my awareness is not as heightened as theirs, nor am I as woke, or educated on the comings and goings of the "cult"ure in which they chose to reside. 

I do NOT care your gender, your sexuality, your sexual preferences, your religion, your political leanings, none of it. I do NOT care. What I care about is how you treat other human beings, especially those who don't immediately align with what YOU believe. That is a personal choice that has absolutely nothing to do with the other - that is how you, as a human, choose to function in the world. 

Have the fuck at it.