Out of Other Ways to Feel Anything

 "Start where you are and don't lie about how long you've been standing there ... " ~ The Ash Files

Well, I won't lie about how long I've been standing here. It's been decades, nay, pretty much my entire life, when I think about it. Same lack of self worth; same lack of attention span; same flaws and/or quirks. Maybe just a bit quieter, and with a longer fuse. 

I think I've got my algorithm trained to feed me bits of wisdom here and there, scattered amongst the dietary, van life, travel, and true crime fodder. 

It's been about four months since I listened to this one, and it was kind of a hard slap in the face at that moment. However, life decided to take a different turn and sent me into a fairly heavy depression, so it's been sitting here waiting for me to see the light and crawl back out of my hole. 

stop postponing your life. ~ The Ash Files

I don't know who this person is, but she always has some inherently profound thoughts to share, and being probably exponentially younger than me, this gives me hope. 

As she states in the video, "Beginnings aren't earned, they're slipped into ... by a sheer loss of excuses." 

It's been a week since my heart was smashed to smithereens in Seattle, and I've been functioning mostly on denial, a touch of rage, and a bit of knowing that there is really nothing else holding me back from just being me. 

I've known for a while now that some things are getting ready to be stirred up, but I guess I had to slink through the mud for a bit before I could truly accept it.

Now that I know there's no point in dwelling on those things over which I have zero control, I guess that makes it simpler to just move forward. While "fake it till you make it" isn't always the best approach, it's one that's worked for me countless times. So, why not go for it again? 

I've already busted out the yarns again, got some new yarns even, and started crocheting. I got tired of knitting the same scarf over, and over, and over again, bought three new patterns on Etsy, found the yarn that spoke to me, and here I am. I also revived an old project that I was working on back in Ohellio.

I don't know if these will become anything worthy to anyone else, but at the very least, they can be donated on down the line. So, that's not nothing, as the machines like to say over and over again. 

I'm done with the pity party. I'm done with beating myself up silently, and abusing my person with snacks of assorted sugary and salty ilks to self medicate. 

I have a few things I want to accomplish in the next week or so: 

- Make an appointment with the new doc to talk about things like the Diabeetus, menopause, etc. 

- Close out all the loose ends in Ohio. It's time now. 

- Finally get the 2025 taxes done. It's also time. That extended deadline will be here before I know it, and I'm not going to miss THAT one. 

I'm keeping the list short and sweet because I have this penchant for failing when I dream too big. 

I fully realize that my list may sound mundane to the normal human brain, but for me, it's a collection of things that, thus far, I have not been able to accomplish. Also to the normal brain, it would seem like laziness. I assure you, it's not. It's procrastination. It's fear of fucking up. It's the 10 million "What-Ifs" flying at me in all directions. It's overthinking, underperforming, and anxiety times about 50k. 

I've learned that all my thoughts and hopes and dreams and endless planning are really just a stealth version of procrastination. It's not the plan that matters. It's the carrying OUT of the plan that gets the shit done. 

Truthfully, though, it still does help my brain to make a list of the things I NEED to do - otherwise, the ADHD brain carries me off to some unknown distraction and I won't get the shit done. Maybe that's the key - make a list of the things that MUST be done, the mundane shite, but leave the dreams and hopes and wishes for the free time, AFTER doing the required tasks. Or is that just normal human-ing, and it took me 57 fucking years to figure that out?