Monsoon Night Skies - Day 3
We can learn so very much from watching the backyard bird population. These creatures of varying shapes, sizes, colors, and species can all gather (in a mostly orderly fashion), exercise patience, and take turns grabbing their breakfast from the feeder, or the yard below. There's no bickering. There's no raising of voices. Just a communal breakfast spot.
Humans manage to do this every single day, as well. Be it work, be it travel, be it dining out, be it shopping - we live our lives individually, all while collectively meeting in public spaces, and for the most part, nothing happens and nobody cares.
Why must it be so difficult to have a similar "live and let live" relationship with the people closest - the family members? This is what puzzles me. It's not the strangers that don't accept you. It's the ones to which you are closest who find the tiniest of your flaws, pick those scabs, and turn you into a bloody mess.
There was a distinct distance betwixt me and my parents because they refused to accept me as a functioning and capable human being just with different choices and beliefs than theirs. There will most likely always be a painful distance betwixt me and the child who refuses to see me as anything other than an enemy, no matter what I have or have not said.
I haven't been good enough or just "enough" in their eyes for decades. Why start now? I have made many, many, many mistakes as a human, as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother. I freely admit that, and I also am reminded of these things by those who choose to judge me rather than take the time to get to KNOW me.
All I can do to get over the pain of these rejections and judgements is distract myself. I am the penultimate ostrich, looking around in the sand for something to do that will alleviate the pain, even for a few minutes or days or weeks or years ...
Fun fact I just learned - did you know that ostriches really do NOT stick their head in the sand? I didn't either. Just Google "ostrich head in sand" to learn more 🙂
It used to be that I was wasting hours a day playing a stupid puzzle game, using that as time to over-ruminate on the things that hurt or bothered me. It was kind of like a fidget toy, only I wasn't getting anything else accomplished whilst fidget-toying. I was burying myself deeper in my depressions.
Something changed last week - and not even on purpose. Since the day I arrived in Seattle, I haven't touched the game. It's still on my phone, but I have had no urge whatsoever to open it up again. Mostly, I think, because I know that if I sit there withering away and doing nothing BUT thinking, that it will take me a place I no longer want to go.
It's time to live.
It's time to stop worrying about that which cannot be changed.
It's time to let go.
When we moved here last year, Monsoon season came and went, and I think there were all of 2+ inches of rain that fell during the entire timeframe (three months). This year, I think we are on the cusp of seeing a real Monsoon season. We've had rain two out of the three days here at the start of the season, and already have accumulated more rain than last year's total, and more storms.
I'm looking forward to seeing how it works.
I love that every day, I learn something new about where we live, about the desert, the weather, and this beautiful state.
I love that every day, I do NOT bother myself with the things I cannot control.
It is entirely possible to curate your life such that you are not constantly feeding it all the world's (or internet's) negativity, hatred, biases, etc.
You can spend your time learning new things, rather than reading comment sections and fake news (from all sides).
You can spend your time DOING new things, rather than waiting on someday.
You can spend your time taking care of YOURSELF, rather than hoping someone else will take care of you.
You can choose motion. You can choose what you feed your brain. You can choose what you feed your body. You can choose appreciation over negativity. You can choose peace over violence.
I don't have a plan in place yet for what I'm about to do. I'm in a more "Roll with the Punches" mode at the moment, but I do know that I will be filling my time with more productive activities, and spending less time overthinking that which doesn't require thought.
I just want to live. And let live.
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