The Rule of IDGAF, Auditory Oddities, and Other Illogical Thought Streams

Based on my archaic phone camera's inability to capture accurate coloring, I use filters on my scenery pictures a lot of times. 

Here's the original: 

I promise you, though, that the filters portray a much more accurate representation of what I actually saw on the first morning of Monsoon. I just need to bite several bullets, get out my trusty old and very unused actual camera and see what I can do with it. 

 Which brings me to the Rule of IDGAF. I just don't. Give. A. Fuck. About much of anything, anymore. I don't care about politics. I don't care about organized religion. I don't care whether I look aesthetically pleasing or if I measure up to anyone else because, CLEARLY, I won't ever be enough. Hence the reason IDGAF. 

This is not a pity party. This is an observation of my life's comings and goings. No matter what I tried, when I tried it, how successful I WAS at trying or doing it, or any other thing, it was never enough. Eventually, you get tired of trying. It's exasperating. I'm at the point where, if you don't like me for who I am, how I look, or what I do, then you are free to NOT spend time with me. 

It's not being mean. It's not being disrespectful. It's You Do You, and I'll Do Me, Boo. 

It's fairly clear, by now, that there is some sort of something going on with me, be it menopause, depression, ADHD, or even some format of the autism spectrum, but really, by now, it's too late for labels, and after some observation, it's clear that when some folk DO get a proper diagnosis, it has a negative effect, rather than a clarifying one. I do NOT wish to press my luck with that one. Besides, what would it change to know one way or the other? NOTHING. It would change NOTHING. 

All I can do is educate myself, try different things, different tactics, and live the best life I can, regardless of what myself or anyone else thinks of my choices. 

My fears, justified as they may or may not be, are my fault. I'm the one who lets them rule my roost. I'm the ONLY one who can push them aside and move forward. Period. I waited for decades for those parental units to finally see me for me, or even WANT to see me for me, and it never happened. And now that both have permanently checked out, I realize that I never needed their approval to begin with. 

So fucking what if I don't believe what you believe? So fucking what if I don't for who you vote for, or if I don't vote at all. So fucking what if I don't like the music you like, or get my hairs did like every one else, etc. So fucking what? Who the fuck cares? Not me - because IDGAF. Our personal beliefs, ideas, and preferences have ZERO impact on anyone else. Zero. I truly believe that the world would be an unbearable place in which to exist if every one of us were just clones. Fuck. THAT. 

Please don't mistake my shortage of fucks for a lack of compassion or empathy. I have a lot of that. I also have a lack of knowledge or solutions as to what to do to help, so I help when I can, and otherwise, sit here and think about it. Meanwhile, I keep going. 

Not in any particular order, let's move on to the auditory oddities I've been experiencing. 

First, there was the tinnitus, which came on very strong after my flight last year when I came out here to look at houses. It stayed. It was constant. The high-pitched buzz/ring may get quieter occasionally, or my brain just blocked it out, but it was consistent. Then, it just went away. It probably took me a couple days to figure out how quiet it was in my brain cell, but it was gone. What a blessing the silence can be. Thankfully, it did not return after last week's flight. Maybe it's one of those things I should track, but I have neither the care, nor the attention span for all that. My records would not be accurate, nor up to date. 

Next up, we have the fact that I can hear you speaking, but my brain does not process that noise as words. It typically sounds like mumble-muttering with no coherent language behind it. Other times, I can hear the front half or the back half of a sentence, but still have to ask what was said. And I find it progressively harder to be able to understand what's being said on the television. So much so, that both of us have now started appreciating the use of captions. Really cuts back and pausing and rewinding! 

Yet, I can watch YouTube on my laptop and not experience the same mumblage at all, if all the surrounds are mostly quiet or low key. 

Certain sounds annoy the bejesus out of me - especially repetitive sounds, like the sound of Odin just being the happy, hairy, snorty, little god that he is: 

The panting ... it is loud, it is proud, and it rattles my brain cell after a few minutes. And my poor Beloved had to listen to it in his car all the way from Ohio to Arizona. 🫥 As unnerving as it may be, however, I wouldn't trade it for all the silence in the world. 

Then there's not being able to tell from which direction any sort of sound is coming. We live on a street, perpendicular to one of the city's busier streets, and are backed by a wash and a street on the other side. I can hear a car or truck coming, and think it's on the back street, yet, it's right out front. I can't tell if major traffic is over on the busy street or a few miles over on another busy road. And what I generally think I'm hearing from the Northwest, could very well be coming from the Southeast. Who the hell knows? I do not. I think the surrounding mountains somehow must alter sound travel here, and I have not yet adapted. 

I can hear, and be completely terrified, though, of a giant military plane flying directly over the house at a very low 3,000+ altitude, low enough to cast a shadow as it passed over the house. For FUCK's SAKE, that was TOO LOW. 

See, the title warned you this post would be full of illogical thoughts. The title did not lie. 

In other news, I've finished two whole blocks of one crochet project, and another row on another crochet project. Maybe tomorrow, I'll share the progress. 

I think that's enough for today. Carry on with your bad selfs.