(Lack of) Control Freak - Day One

 

           Who you fightin'? 

If you visited yesterday, you will recall that today, Halloween '22, is the day I return to keto full-time. You will also recollect that I was going to make a plan, at least short term, for a successful endeavor. 

Here is that plan: 

The 12-Week Keto Trip

Goal 1: Return to keto lifestyle for at least 12 weeks (90 days) 

Goal 2: Lose 15 lbs

Goal 3: Get rid of Type II Diabetes diagnosis 

What does it take to accomplish goal #1? 

• Consume less than 20-30 grams of net carbs per day 
• Eliminate as much processed sugar as possible 
• Eliminate as much processed carbage as possible 
• Use fat as a lever, not a free-for-all 
• Moderate protein

What does it take to accomplish goal #2? 

• Stick with the keto eating religiously without becoming maniacal
• Get movement 
• Don't obsess - whatever amount I lose will be of great benefit

What does it take to accomplish goal #3? 

• Eliminate artificial sweeteners
• Eliminate the majority of the grains
• Lose weight 
• Schedule a doctor appointment for January 31, 2023 (<---eww) 

Actually goal #3 is the most important, but in order to accomplish that, first, I need to get through goal #1. I probably have them somewhere, but when I began keto back in 2017, my blood panels were obscene. I was pre-diabetic at that point, triglycerides were sky-high, and the doctor insisted I go on statins. I refused. Nope. By the time I had more bloodwork taken, at some point later on (which I cannot remember), I was non-diabetic, triglycerides were in a normal range, and there were no recommendations for any kind of medication. 

At that point, I had yet to learn about the negative effect of artificial sweeteners (especially those ending with "ose") were having on my being. At the time of significant improvement, I had been consuming all manner of all those things they say will cause the heart issues (bacon, meat, butter, olive oil, more bacon, cheese, etc.). What was missing? Grains, and sugar, to be succinct. 

The thing I realized THIS time I got a crappy diagnosis is that I wasn't consuming magical metric tons of sugar, but I WAS rather addicted to Crystal Light Peach Tea, and Torani sugar-free coffee syrups, both full of Splenda, sucralose, and multitude other chemicals. Granted, I had definitely gone off the deep end in terms of carbage, and was eating with the carefree abandon of an adolescent. Go me. I managed to google the effects of artificial sweeteners on diabetes, and there ARE studies that demonstrate that it can significantly contribute to the disease. So, yeah, imagine all those people that switch to sugar-free everything when they get the diagnosis, and wonder why they aren't getting better. 

I am not going to be one of those people. I refuse. I am also not taking medications, nor insulin. Nope.

Having said all that, what am I going to eat? 

Currently, and for about the next two weeks, we have a plethora of Factor meals to work through, most of which are keto. I'll be eating one of those daily for lunch, except weekends, and then I will make dinner - most likely a protein, and veggebles, assorted cheese, butter, and olive oil. I also have acquired a smaller waffle maker, so I can partake of some chaffles here and there. I make my own ranch dressing, and I have achieved lettuce, so salad is always an option. Plus, there's bacon. 

What am I going to DO? 

I don't know. I signed up for a year's worth of DDP Yoga, which is phenomenally easy on the joints, and doesn't make me feel like the proverbial round peg in a square hole. It just helps. First, though, I have to get my arse out of my desk chair, make it to the living room, turn on the TV, and do it. There's also a few random pieces of equipment that I may or may not have bought (well, I actually did buy them) but they remain unassembled, and unopened. So, eventually, as I get into a better frame of mind, I will be creating a place to do more exercises without having to drive 20+ miles in any given direction. 

For now, though, I know that it's NOT a requirement for keto to work. It will help with flexibility, but it will happen when it happens. Hence, I did not yet make that a goal. 

Where I am now ... 

Height: Still short (5'3.5-ish, maybe) 

Weight: 215.6 

What did I eat today? 

- Estimated: maybe 1/12 square piece of a slice of Muenster cheese. 

- Black coffee with heavy cream 

- Factor Keto Poblano meal, sans the jalapenos, which I carefully dissected and removed with a fork

- Coffee (Half and half blend of Meijer Mackinac Island Fudge, and Meijer Michigan Cherry) with a scoop of Zint Collagen Peptides, and heavy cream

- Factor Tomato, Bacon & Pesto Chicken Bake

- Blue Diamond Elote Almonds (Apx. 2 servings, one at each meal) 

-Water ... A LOT of water ... Probably at least 3 liters worth. It's a loaded water, though. Plain water makes me gag. I'll share more about my water habit later. It's worth explaining in more detail. 

And that, friends, is that. Day one, in the not-so-proverbial nutshell. 89 Days to goal. 

I Can Do EET

What better day to start something than Halloween? Whilst everyone else was pretending that it happened on Saturday, I was busy getting ready to start over for the 453rd time. Mentally, anyway. Today, I've spent a lot of time listening to an audio rendition of the 12 Week Year book ... 

I had never heard of this book until I watched a video on The Tube of Yous, where this person was giving her tips for how to implement the steps in this book, yada-yada-bla-bla-blahbity-blah. Anywhoooo, I gave it a listen, and I have to say it contains a lot more common-sensical, logical thoughts than I thought it would. I think the main gist is just decreasing the amount of time you have to plan, execute, and achieve whatever it is you want to focus on. In other words, get yourself together and don't drag it out for 12 months. Get schtuff done in 12 weeks. 

Why am I talking about this here? Because I am returning to keto tomorrow, and I want to be successful this time, and stick with it for probably the majority of the rest of my time here on this planet. After taking a couple years off to, you know, just do normal stupid human tricks, and then winding up with a preliminary diagnosis of that Type 2 Di-uh-beet-us BS, and then doing some also preliminary steps to get rid of that disease, I've learned a lot about myself. 

Some of the more prevalent discoveries: 

• Carbs are most definitely not my friend, especially all the carbage
• Sugar = high levels of depression, and artificial sweeteners don't help it either 
• I eat junk to curtail feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness, and pain, and also when I just say "Fuquitol" because I feel like there's no point in trying. 
• When I eat keto, I have no overwhelming urge to eat junk, or even snack on anything
• When I follow keto, my health improves
• When I follow keto, my mood improves
• When I eat carbs, I ache, and I HURT. Randomly, in various locations, or all over. 
• When I eat carbs, the mood tanks 

Something else rather profound that I have learned is that nobody is going to do this for me, or even with me. If I want to feel better, look better, and improve my health, it's all on me. Doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. 

Because I always start things in earnest on Mondays, I will create my plan of attack, and outline it here tomorrow. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts down on the digital screen. I kind of wish I had not deleted the first Gut Reaction blog. I was at a point where I was giving up, and thinking nothing really mattered, so I deleted all of it. 

I have a lot of ideas about where I want to go with all of this, but the main goal at the moment is to have a place that I can track my progress, and record the goings on of returning to keto. My focus has changed, and the obsession to lose weight is gone. 

Yes, I still weigh myself daily, but I also know that it's not the be-all-end-all, and it's not what defines whether I have a good day or not. I know very well that if I eat dinner at a Mexican restaurant there will be consequences, and I'm fine with dealing with those consequences because I know the results when I go BACK to eating what I know I should. 

I have no doubt that I will occasionally eat something that's not at all keto-legal. Life happens. I also know that I am done with talk, and the circle-running-around-in. I don't care if 1000 people know it, a million, or 2. I'm just done with the BS, and I'm ready to start taking care of me, and ready to make myself happy. 

I have put myself on hold for far too long. I watch people. I watch what they do. I listen to what they say. I see the difference between the ones who live life, and do what makes them happy and the ones who don't. I'm at a point in life where I want to be happy, no matter how old or not-modelesque I am. I no longer care. I just want to be healthy, and I don't want to spend my old-age years doing all the old-age BS like taking 500 pills a day, and spending all my time going to and listening to doctor, after doctor, after doctor. I just don't. That is not a well-rounded life, in my humble opinion. 

With that, I'm off to start planning tomorrow. I'm so ready. 

On Whatever This Is ...

 According to my OneDrive, on this day, some 16 years ago (?!!!!), we were in Florida ... WHERE in HADES have SIXTEEN years gone? Seriously? I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember it was the place where I got the absolutely most divine sausage and pepper sandwich from a roadside food truck that has never left my mind! It also marked the point where I fell in love with sausage and peppers, which I never ever wanted before then. Remarkable! 

Too bad I didn't take a picture of it! 

I took a picture of this, though: 

I think it was Miami. Long before we learned about Dexter :D 

While some things stay the same, the more they change, some things really do change ... My human suit being one. I've never had a "perfect" shell. Ever. Well, scratch that ... Maybe when I was five. Maybe. I was scrawny for a little while, in youth. That clearly didn't last. 

Let's define perfect, shall we? Not the dictionary varietal - but the one we all think we need to live up to. Yeah, that one mandated to us by society, and marketing agencies across the world. Yeah, no. 

My problem is I haven't really ever been able to envision myself in that type of body. I'm not tall. I'm most certainly not athletic. I don't have a long neck. I don't have a full head of thick, and luxurious hair. My eyebrows are absolutely not snatched, and even more absolutely out of control. I have a frown wrinkle right by my eyebrow, for lack of a better term, probably caused by a lot of unrealized squinting at computer screens ... I am pasty white - never met a tan that would stick to my alabastery skin, at least not since my early adult years. Tanning lotion turns me a bright, and shiny shade of orange. I have zero muscle tone to speak of (all self inflicted, of course, from lack of movement), and on, and on, and on ... 

I'm just a human, brought to you by a combination of sturdy Irish and English stock. The benefits of this form? 

1. I'm low to the ground, so falls will be less harmful

2. I would make an excellent hit woman, because I'm more invisible than visible to normal people. I blend

3. I'm value-priced, because there's no potion, lotion, cosmetic procedure, or form of makeup that will alter what I have. 

4. I'm adaptable because I can work with what I have for very little to no money. 

5. While I may not 1000% enjoy my human suit, I'm at least comfortable here. It's well cushioned. 

All that being said, what I am working on is health. I would like to assume that I've made significant improvements in the last two or so weeks, from a diabetic approach. I will count as a blessing the fact that only Friday, did the pharmacy finally notify me to let me know my glucose monitor is in. As someone who either didn't have any, or didn't notice the symptoms of that particular self-inflicted ailment, I just went on about my business, changed the majority of what I was eating, and feel somewhat better. 

I doubt that, pictorially, I look much different, though my Beloved says that my face is thinner every day. My legs are definitely thinner, and the swelling/edema in the right leg has diminished considerably. Overall, I'm down about 8 pounds since the worst point, and I've been in "pee-tosis" (Ketosis checked only with the pee strips) for more days than not. 

Not gonna lie. I have had sugar. Not daily, but there was a shareably-sized bag of M&Ms, and a Mocha Chocolate Kit-Kat consumed in the last week, along with half of a chicken quesadilla, and some crinkle fries the other night when we stopped at the local (read: only) bar and had dinner after picking up the car from the repair place. I ate half because probably midway through that half, and some of the fries, I could feel bloatiness ensuing, and I knew that if I kept eating, I would just feel like complete garbage by the time we got back home. 

Sometimes, you just have to eat some really not-good-for-you foods just to know that it's NOT right for you. Especially, if it's less-than-high-quality bar food. Sometimes, you have to go to Don Hall's Gas House, and get that decadent bread, and real butter, and a coffee-crusted ribeye. Someday soon, we'll do that. We haven't had dinner there since last spring, the night I left for Arizona. 

This week, I have learned that you absolutely should never attempt to make buffalo chicken dip with WHIPPED cream cheese. It was repulsive, and whipped cream cheese is apparently not suited for high-heat situations. Ew. I also made crispy oven-roasted Brussels sprouts for the first time, and were they ever good. Only complaint? I should have made more!  

That, and a NY strip with sauteed mushrooms (made by my Beloved) is a pretty fantastic dinner. 

I have also learned that I cannot watch negative things on the Tube of Boobs and NOT be negatively impacted, by way of the braincells. I started to watch Physical on Apple TV, and what ...? I could relate to every single solitary bit of inner dialogue the woman had going on, and though I loathe the fact that everything now is a "trigger," I can definitely see how that show would be a trigger to someone in throes of healing from anorexia, or bulimia. Not a good thing to watch, methinks. 

Anywhooo, my only other health concern at the moment is kidney stones. I can feel them. They don't let me forget they are there. It's frustrating feeling like you either have a knife shoved in your back left side right between your rib bones, or at the lower end, someone's knuckles nearly constantly jabbed in that same location. I'm making an appointment to get a scan to see what the damage actually is, and see if it can be alleviated. Enough is enough. 

I'm anxious to go pick up the glucose monitor and see what my number is. I'm curious to see how much it has dropped in the past two weeks. 

I'm also anxious to focus on eating better this week. 

There are a lot of excellent things in store for me, so I'm outta here to go make those things reality! 

Have a great week! 

In the Interest of Science or Boredom ...

 Just for giggles, maybe today, I'll track what I am eating. Maybe. If I remember to do so by the time I go back into the kitchen. We'll see ... 

I still have my Fitday, and My Fitness Pal accounts, so it's easy enough. If I had to choose between the two, I'd go with Fitday, but use MFP as a backup/recipe-breakdown place. That way it stays free, and it is kind of entertaining to go back sometimes, and look at what I ate "in a day" back "in the day." 

And by track, I don't mean worry about counting carbs, or modifying anything. Just plain tracking. It's tedious, and already has a built-in mechanism for control because do you really want to try to weigh and measure every single morsel of every bit of food or caloric beverage you consume? 

No luck in obtaining a glucose monitor this weekend, which means A. I either call the doctor and ask when they're sending the prescription to the pharmacy, or B. I just don't track it. 

The whole thing about having this diagnosis of Type II is that I didn't even know I had it. Whatever I did experience, I chalked up to getting older, the sedentariness of my being, and most definitely to the foods I chose to eat. I wouldn't say I was A-symptomatic, but I was definitely symptom ignorant. 

I did get some pee-tone strips, though, and according to those, I am definitely expelling some ketones since I started aiming for keto again. That's a bonus. 

I have discovered that walking mostly the circumference of Meijer, and then a few bits of a chicken jerky stick did upsetteth the kidney stone thing. However, I popped a few of these: 

And all was well again. These things really are miraculous. I started using them back in 2018, and let me tell you, I don't know what they do, but they DO take away the pain. Highly recommend them if you, too, have stones in your kidneys! (Disclaimer: That is an Amazon Affiliate link. I might make a penny if you choose to purchase some from this link. Thank you!) 

I can also tell you that, since Thursday's wake-up call, I'm gradually recharging my energy stores, and not feeling as blob-esque as I was. I'm just starting to feel different. I WANT to do things. I WANT to move around. I'm not in a constant state of ennui. 

We actually got to sit out on the deck yesterday, and enjoy the new barrage of winged thingies, formerly known as birds, that are now visiting us, due to the all-they-can-eat buffet we've arranged for them along the Wall of Trees that grace our backyard. Zero clouds in the sky, a lovely hue of blue, and all the sounds of everything waking up is a glorious feeling! 

Next up, I'm going to learn how to use that camera I bought last year, but have yet to fully open. THEN, I will be able to take some real pictures. 

So, Monday, Monday, La, La, La-la-la-la ... I have a lot to do today, work and otherwise. No time like the present. Have yourselfs a wonderful week! 

Brand New Day - Take 592

 So, it's been a while. I think I meant to post something last October, and THAT never happened. Meanwhile, life has been pretty fantastic in most every regard ... and I refuse to feel guilty for saying that. I have no control over what goes on in anyone else's world, nor do I want to, and likewise, I am not going to stop living a great life because ... You know, life does go on. The world does not stop and start at anyone's convenience, including mine. 

Care of QuickMeme

That all being said, several years back (Five, now ... where DID the time go?) I started a meanderment called keto because, at that time, I was in the throes of a rather nasty round of IBD, and when the gastro doctor said try a FODMAP diet, I started looking at that, and looking at keto, and thought, "Well, hell, I might as well do keto." Too long story short, over the course of the next two years, I dropped a bit over 50 pounds, and felt really, really good. The medical issues subsided, other longstanding issues cleared up, and I actually felt like I looked decent, which was a drastic change from my normal state of mind. 

Fast-forward nearly three years, and I'm back and beyond square one. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get rid of ALL of my "fat" clothes, so at least I still have some stuff to wear!  

This was me on New Year's Eve ... 

Whilst this was me in late fall of 2018

Needless to say, I don't fit in these clothes anymore 😊

My love for smart-ass long-sleeved T-shirts, however, has not changed. I just bought some that fit my current state of being. 

This post, however, is not a pity party. This is a before ... and where I am going again, and even better. I miss her, smiling in the sunlight in Sedona. I miss her energy, and her drive. I AM her. I just lost sight of that for a moment. There are not two mes. There is one me that comes in different shapes and sizes, depending on the time. 

So, here, a bit after the Ides of March, in the ides of my 53rd annual trip around the universe, I have recently discovered that my choices over the past couple of years, when it comes to food and beverage, were not me making my best decisions ever. I write to you now with an A1C of 7.4%, a random, and somewhat brutal battle with a particularly ornery kidney stone or several, and orders from my doctor to get my proverbial schtuff together in the next three months, or he will, post-haste, put me on meds. 

To which I heartily reply, internally ... 

This is also not a "I'm starting on Monday ..." I already started. Friday, I started. The carbs have been lowered, and I'm on my way to not feeling like a random, chair-prone blob. I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but mostly it's keto, because that's where I know the most about cutting back on the carbs, and it's the thing that brought me back to the living the last time. 

I'm not here to argue for my limitations. I'm not here to argue about whether keto is right or wrong for anyone else. I'm here to share what happens. What really happens. How a person really feels. I cannot promise that I will track my every single morsel of foods because that, scientifically proven, is not who I am. It's a tedious task, and it makes you focus far TOO much on the things you're not having, and makes you somewhat obnoxious when that's all you talk about. (Ask me how I know ... ) 

We're about to see whether, in three months from now, I can bring my A1C down to at least a pre-diabetic range (6.4% or lower), and eliminate some of the many symptoms I've been experiencing (ALL SELF-INFLICTED, mind you) by NOT repeating my crappy choices. 

Spring has almost sprung here in Ohio, which means more out-of-doors time, more movement time, and a better mental outlook. 

Other than that, life is really, really excellent. I let go of my transcription business back in November to join a new company, full time. I absolutely love my job. I love the people I work with. It is the job I have dreamed of for the past probably 30+ years, and I look forward to seeing where it takes me!  I love our life. I love what we have accomplished over the years. I love knowing that it's just going to keep getting better. 

See you next time (which will be sooner than another year ... ) 

Swimming in a Sea ...

 

You don't notice the effect things have on you, until you take about 5,324 steps back for a hot minute, and breathe. You get what you think about ... over and over and over, ad nauseum. What you put in, inadvertently, is what you put out, and all the other witticisms, and wisdom, blah-blah-blahbity-blah ... 

All I can say is that I spent decades swimming in that sea of negativity, hopping from one place to the next, feeling like I just HAD to let my opinions be known to the world at large, via the internets. I was angry. I was furious. I needed vindication, lather, rinse, repeat. 

Turns out, the only person I really had a problem with was staring back at me in the mirror. 

I actually do know when this change started to take place in me, but I refuse to talk details, because I will no longer give energy to the events and choices I made that pulled me down. 

All I can say is that once that one little speck of light sneaks in through a window shade, once your mind encounters words, or sounds, or even a thought that turns you in a different direction, and you grab ahold for dear life, all the while starting to file through those chains that bind you, it's a pretty amazing thing.  

I will always be grateful to an artist, Margot Lovinger, who created this: 

via Pinterest

She took the time to share words with me that had helped her in her own life, and they're words I've never forgotten (even if I couldn't put them into play for many years after that): 

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Source for this particular version 

I'll most likely never stop quoting it because, out of all the quotes I've ever discovered, read, or shared, this is the one that has never left my mind. 

I wrote all of the above back in January. Sometimes, I write stuff that I need to really listen to later. This year has been everything it was supposed to be, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I'm grateful for every bit of it, and ready to experience everything to come. 

As my memory (and lack thereof) proves, we really do only have today, right here, and right now, because every second ahead and behind no longer exists. I don't want to waste a second of it worrying about the things that are beyond my control. All I can say is read that quote up there over, and over again, and whatever there is that you are wanting to do, do it now. 

That law of attraction thing, it's not just hogwash. It is real. I am living proof. Took me decades to figure it out, but it's definitely true, no matter what you believe. Therefore, why not take charge of what you see, what you hear, what you read, and what you feel ... Commit to what you want out of this life, and leave the rest to work its own self out. 

 

 

Taking Out the Trash

 At what point do you get so sick of yourself that you just give it up? At what point have you put far too much on your proverbial plate? At what point are there no more towels to throw in, no more ghosts to give up, no more nothing. The tank is empty. The brain is drained. Is this what the bottom of the barrel is? I don't think so. I've been lower. I've been ready to take my final exit stage nowhere. This is not that. 

I have so much to be proud of. I have worked my not proverbial, but literal ass off to get to this point, and this isn't anywhere remotely close to the top. It is, however, a far sight farther away from the bottom than I've ever been. 

I am just. so. tired. of. wavering. Back and forth, up and down, in and out, over, under, around, through the middle, above, and below. I'm beyond tired of it. I know what it is. I've let far too much of the outside world in again, and it has sanded away at my soul. I can safely say that I know from experience that what you put in is most definitely, without a doubt, what you get out. 

This depression is a beast. Thing is, it's all self-inflicted. I chose this. I chose to consume the things that makes me go down this particular non-man-suit-wearing rabbit hole. The sugar. The bread. The carbs. The ungodly, migraine-inducing junk. That was me. I ate it. I didn't stop to think about it BEFORE I did it. I'm just complaining about it now. I know all too well what it does to my psyche, and yet I still did it. 

I've done a metric ton too much of fuquitoling in the past year, and a mega-metric ton more of wavering, as well. There's this tremendous imbalance betwixt who I know I can be, and what I choose, and what I do. I'm never going to be a juggling artist. Never going to be a stilt-walker. Those things are for definite because I can't even balance my own self, here on the ground, planted firmly on my backside. 

I am just so sick of my inability to get past my own BS. I really am. It's not something I ever talk about because who really wants to hear it? I just don't want to be this version of me anymore. I don't want to become what I've watched family before me become. I don't want to fall into the trap of being "older," and just giving up. 

I want to be happy. I want to do things. I want to go places. I want to accomplish things. I want to see things. I want to hear things. I want to feel things. 

I'm tired of feeling nothing much at all. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of making the choices that make me tired. 

I'm not trying to be like anybody else. I'm not trying to keep up with any sort of Joneses, or anyone else with a bucketload of cash. I am also not defending my desire for more of what I want versus less of what I don't want. 

This is probably about where I was in '17 before I discovered I could do the keto thing. I didn't go into it THEN with the mindset of diet-diet-diet-DIET ... I went in with the mindset that I no longer wanted to be sick from what I was eating. I did NOT want to become one of the 99.9999.95 million that lives on insulin, and 537,823 other drugs just to have a half-ass kind of life of nothingness. This is also not an affront to anyone who is living with Type 2 diabetes. This is ME knowing that I do not want THAT for the rest of my life. 

I'm so sick of me, at this point, that any sort of change will do me good. I'm sick of what I've let happen to myself, or made happen to myself. I'm sick of not getting the things done every single day, and then staring at the lack of results as I move about my normal day-to-day BS. 

I'm upset, and at no one or nothing other than me. So, this is garbage day, and this is where I start to get myself in order. I have two weeks until the new semester starts. That's ample time to build another foundation, and frame things. 

Off I go. 

Because I just filled the screen with so much detritus, here's a lovely shot of the sun setting in Chandler AZ, back in June to somewhat make up for it. 

I Think I Can ...

 At first, I wanted to say something about a rewrite, but that's not possible. What's past has passed. What's done is over. There is no going back. What you see in the here and now, right in front of you, it's already history. See that snow outside, that happened last week. Old news. Every post on social media. Also old news. Even if I decide to share this post, it will be history. I am not a product of my past. I'm not a product of my environment. I am not a product of your imagination. I am the product of what I choose from one second to the next. 

Even if I look out the window, and see a cloud formed over the woods that looks like an outstretched hand, I can't grab my camera and get to the door fast enough to take a picture to prove it. ALL I can do is appreciate what I saw, and maybe know that it was just a sign for me. Could have meant, "Whatever ..." could have meant, "Grab my hand ..." Could have meant, "Look at this ..." Could have meant a million things, or it could have just distracted me long enough so I didn't focus on some negative that doesn't need to be spoken. 

See, I got distracted again. The moment's gone. I did just hear a quote from Tim Ferriss: "You can't outwork your mouth." WHAT? It was in relation to weight loss, but it applies to EV-UH-REE-THING!  You can have all the opportunities in the world, but if your mouth is running in a negative direction, all those opportunities are going to pass you by. How do I know? I've done it to myself over, and over, and over again, which brings me to another thought - quitting is not necessarily a negative. 

There are hundreds of thousands (that MAY be an exaggeration), okay, hundreds (that sounds more reasonable) of things that the quitting of will cause vast improvements in your being. Quitting sugar will lower your blood sugar, your scale results, and even improve your mental mood/energy. Quitting watching the news will elevate your mood, and lower your blood pressure simultaneously. Quitting constant negative input, be it from your own brain, or from the world, at large, via the internets will open you up to things you never imagined possible.  

Something I've learned over the past year or so is that when I quit focusing on what IS, or what HAS BEEN, I experienced a lot of things falling into place that never did before because I was too busy getting in my own way. What you focus on is what you get, without fail. When I focused on the negatives, re. money, weight, love, family, etc. I just got more of that which I was focusing on, which wasn't much by way of positive outcomes. 

Not everything has fallen into place, and some things have even gone backwards, like my weight, but I am no longer worrying about it. I have moved the scale out of my line of sight. Maybe once a week, I look but other than that, I've developed a more finessed Fuquitol attitude. It will happen when I'm ready to let it happen, and until then, there are better things to think about, like this: 

Credits

I can't even tell you how many years I disallowed myself from daydreaming, from trying to write any story other than reality. I am not doing that anymore. I'm finding the things that serve me, that make me happy, bring me joy, or at the very least distract me from the things that bring me negative outcomes. I'm not here to rehash my past, unless it's about some memory of some beautiful, excellent, or otherwise happy event. 

We get exactly what we think about, whether we want it or not. I have proven this to myself too many times to count. There's another witty quote out there, author currently known, that goes something like, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." I'm done thinking about all the things that I can't do ... 

On the Other Side of Starting

 

We have lift off ... Some eight days ago, I came back to keto living. If you missed the gory details, go here. It was a pretty great week. All in all, I misplaced nearly five pounds, at mostly keto, with a few higher carb days in there just for good measure, and kept my head above water. 

The more time you spend focusing on where you want to be, as opposed to constantly wallowing in the mire of now, the better it gets. Everything is good. Everything is working out. 

It was nice to eat foods that I know will get me to where I am going. It is good to let go of what I know ails me. It was especially good to get back to the gym, and actually move. There is no pressure. I'm not trying to win any awards, become a bodybuilding contestant, or be like anyone else. I just wanted to move for the sheer joy of moving, and feel the energy that come from it, afterward. That afterglow, if you will.  

While it was all unstructured, and kind of a refresher course, this week, I'm adding in a bit more structure, so I can remind all my assorted muscles where they were back nearly a year ago. I use an app called Jefit, which is fairly spiffy because it allows you to create your own routines, or use any in their giganormous database, and there are specific directions for each exercise. Plus, the free version is pretty robust for being free, so I thoroughly enjoy that!  

I'm working on my brain game now. I've tried a few times to meditate, rather sporadically, and mostly unsuccessfully, but today, I actually completed 15 minutes, and did not fall asleep or constantly battle myself to focus on the music. I don't know what will happen with it, but I can't fathom it being a bad thing to shut out all thoughts, and just relax for a few minutes, and get to know myself a bit better from a silent angle. 

I discovered some things to avoid, things that make me not feel so great - mentally, or physically - such as taking measurements, or eating super-rich, super-high-fat meals. I haven't tracked food since day one. 

A few things that I know I will get better at: 

• Drinking water
• Eating more vegetables and berries, and less processed stuff
• Staying in a positive frame of mind

A few things I have learned about myself in the short span of a week: 

• Social media (mostly politics and hate) nearly instantaneously puts me in a bad mood.
• I actually CAN keep my opinions to myself ... Mostly. 
• Support groups hold me back more than they help me. 

A few things I want to do this week: 

• Try some new recipes
• Go outside
• Continue decluttering my digital and physical spaces 

I think that's enough for now. Have a wonderful week! ❤💋

Day One of Something

 

I had zero idea what jellyfish would have to do with this post, other than it was one of the most mesmerizing displays at the Toledo Zoo Aquarium, and I'm totally in love with the movie, Seven Pounds ... That and it's a pretty amazing picture, given the equipment.  I didn't have any clue, until I googled "Jellyfish Spirit Animal," and found this: 

"Jellyfish symbolizes energetic flow, entanglement, and Reiki.

Jellyfish don’t need to force anything. Water currents take them exactly where they need to be. They live a life of complete trust and surrender."

Which just goes to show, I got what I was thinking about, because I was thinking about how this time, becoming the best me, it's all about NOT forcing things, NOT overthinking it, and absolutely just letting go, and letting it happen.  

I have already let go of a tremendous amount of physical and digital detritus that was weighing down my brain cell for decades. Part of that purge included a blog I kept during my last keto journey, from 2017 to early 2020, before COVID took over. 

I'm just done holding on to the past. I'm done with it. It served its purpose, and now it's gone. All we have is here, right here, right this second, right now. I'm not preaching about living life to its fullest, I'm just saying, truthfully, life is far too short to willing stay chained to that which is never going to serve you. 

Anywhoooo, today marks the first day of whatever may come. The last time, there were charts, graphs, and daily, sometimes hourly obsessions with tracking, weighing, measuring, blah-blah-blah-blahbity-blah ... and essentially painting myself into an informationally overloaded corner, where I just gave up.  

Giving up isn't necessarily the bad thing people might make it out to be. Sometimes, you really do have to take a step or 10 back, and examine things for a brief moment, and realize that it's not working, so you can move on to something that will work, or at least things that will make you happy. 

That all being said, what you see below IS a collection of charts and graphs, also present to mark this as day one. These are NOT going to a regular part of my life. Not daily, and not weekly. Maybe monthly, but maybe not. I don't know. I've been down the tracking macros road. I've been down the charting and plotting path. It didn't work. You know what they say about "Watched pots never boil?" They say it for a reason. IT. IS. TRUE! 

I'm not going to rehash the past. I'm not there. I'm here. Here is this:  

I pretty much gained back everything I lost from Keto v.1. C'est la vie. I'm not gonna lie. I enjoyed a year of living carb-ly. Stuff happens. There's a goal there that is much different from past goals. I'm not going to talk about said goal, unless I've got something positive to say. I've thrown it out there, let the Universe do with it what it will, and either way, I'm going to find things that make me happy, while it all falls into place. 

Then there's this. This was the first day back to keto-ish eating. Yeah, there's half a Gatorade bar on there, and I am well over 20-30 carbs, but EXPONENTIALLY below the carb intake I've been living on, especially for the past few months.  Also, those numbers are not precisely measured. The food is exactly what I had, but the measurements not.  

Here you see macros that I won't be tracking. I know enough about keto, and what I eat to know how to maintain some semblance of a ratio. Take a good look, because you won't see this, except maybe a check in, here or there, but I really doubt that. 

Today also marked the first day back to the gym. We ended our membership last March, when the pandemic was getting into full swing. I'm also NOT going to be tracking daily activity. Nope. Ain't nobody. Got. Time. For ... THAT! I eat, I breathe, I sleep, I snore, I sit on my arse to work, probably 12-15 hours per day, and now, I go gyming. I do have a fitness app (Jefit) which is pretty cool that lets you make your own workouts. I may use that, but it's nothing I'll share out loud.  

I am severely out of shape. I have lost every bit of muscle tone that I developed when we last were going. I am 100% solid fluff. The gym serves numerous purposes, including building strength, getting out of the house at least a couple times a week, restoring health, and circulation, and also keeping depression at bay. Not wanting to rehash the past, but that's something that plagued me for many decades. When I did keto, it went away. Not overnight, but it was gone, and was probably the biggest blessing, by far, of this way of eating.  

Regardless, here, you shall see me, mostly, now ... 

That's me on the right 🤣

I think I'll just leave it there for now. This really is just the placeholder, and point of reference. I'm okay with where I am now, and I'm excited to see where I go.  

Rock on. xo 

Perspective Matters

What do you see? What's more important here? What's right in front of your face or out there on the horizon? 

 

The more you move away from what's right in front of your face, the clearer it all becomes, right?  

I spent too much of my life looking at what was right up in my face. I let it control me. Everyday, though, I'm getting better at taking several steps back and looking at the big picture, looking at what is to come, not what has already happened. Since I've learned how to start letting go, the big picture gets clearer, and more stunning by the day. 

I'm not, by any stretch of anyone's imagination, anywhere close to having perfected it, but I'm light years beyond where I used to be. The thing is, it doesn't matter if you know that. It doesn't matter what you think about what I'm saying. What you think of me is none of my business. What I think of me is what is imperative. 

My forest. My tree. My circus. My monkeys. That's the only thing that determines how the rest of my life is going to unfold. Every day, I practice, and I mess up, and I practice again, and I get better at realizing that I am in control of my reactions, my responses, and my emotions.  

There's some quote out there about how life is 10% reality, and 90% perception. I think that math adds up. You do get what you think about, whether you wanted it or not. The stuff that fills your eyes, your mind, and your being, day in, and day out, really does have an impact. 

As for me, I'm changing the channel.  

All pictures property of me, circa some year between here and 2005. 

The Only Thing I Resolve to Do in 2021

 I learned a long time ago that resolutions are as futile as resistance. It's like painting a picture of all the things you won't ever accomplish. If you want to get stuff done,  you have to believe you can, and then get the f-word out of your own way.  

Therefore, 2021 is all about continuing to get out of my own way. It really does come down to mind over matter. 

Happy New Year!  

2021: The Moment I Jumped Off ...

 

What better way to start off a new collection of days than to sum up what's working, what needs a little help, and what I want to do to create my best reality.  I found this list of "50 Questions to Help You Find Your Best Self," probably somewhere on Pinterest. In the interest of some semblance of brevity, however, I'm going to whittle this down to the most relevant questions I see for ringing in the newest year. 

1. What do I love about my life? 

 All of it. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love all the non-human kids, mammals, and aquatic beings alike. I love our home. I love knowing that everything is always working out, and that I have complete control over where I go next, and what I do. 

2. When am I the happiest version of me? 

When I focus on where I want to be instead of where I am. I am happiest when I can be around animals, or just be at home, doing what I want to do, and not letting the outside world dictate my mood. 

3. What do I love doing? 

I love listening to music, and moving. I love watching animals, in person, or via some media. I love making art. I love drawing. I love singing when I think no one is listening. I love being outside when spring arrives, and seeing, feeling, and smelling everything coming back to life. I love laughing. I love seeing, hearing, or reading things that overwhelm me with fascination or joy. 

4. What steps am I taking to reach my goals? 

Believing. Keeping my mind open to all the possibilities, whether I can see them right now, or not. 

5. What makes me upset? 

Mostly myself forgetting that I choose, in every minute of ever day how I respond to the world around me. I get upset that I don't have better control of my focus. 

6. How can I add to my happiness? 

By subtracting negatives. This past year has taught me that turning towards what brings me joy is 10,000 percent more powerful than seeing and hyper-focusing on what is wrong, sad, bad, etc. When I pay attention to the things that make me excited, or happy, or inspired, I feel absolutely amazing. 

7. What are five things I love about myself? 

1. My strength
2. My sense of humor
3. My intelligence
4. My eyes
5. My ability to let things go

8. What are three negative mindsets I need to let go of? 

1. That I can't do something, so I'll just give up
2. The past
3. Focusing too much on the outside world

9. How can I love myself more, daily? 

By knowing that I have the power to create my best life, and no matter what happens, I am in the right place, at the right time, either getting what I want, or learning from my mistakes. By knowing that I am a magnificent being, and worth every ounce of my self appreciation. 

10. What are five things that make me smile?

1. My husband, and my family of assorted animals
2. Elephants
3. Beluga whales
4. A good workout
5. Art, and high fashion

11. What is my number one goal for 2021? 

Getting better at controlling my own energy, and focus. Everything is working out. 

12. If I could be anything at all, what would I be? 

An elephant keeper and artist/designer/photographer

13. If I could travel anywhere, where would I go? 

Kenya, to see my baby Roho, and the other elephants, to Venice, and to Sedona to the vortices. 

14. What are three positive things I should be doing?

1. Recognizing, and appreciating all the perfect things in my life, every day, multiple times a day
2. Learning new things
3. Appreciating myself, for the entirety of my being

15. What are three things I need to do more of? 

1. Moving
2. Traveling
3. Learning

16. What am I grateful for? 

Everything. You may balk at that, but even the negatives are there to show me what I'm doing wrong, and what I would rather be doing. There's not enough digital space to list every single thing.  I think it's best summed up here: 

17. What do I need more of? 

Patience. Breath. Practice. 

Maybe it says more about me in what I chose not to answer? I've spent the majority of this life living in a past that didn't do much of anything for me but get me to this point. Some questions are just kind of repetitive and filler, but most of them are just not relevant to me. 

1. What do I feel like my life is missing and how can I get more of what I need?
2. Where do I want to be in 5 years?
3. Who are the people in my life that make me the happiest?
4. What am I afraid to do?
5. Can I improve on any of my daily habits?
6. Am I doing all that I can to reach my goals?
7. What areas of my life can I improve in?
8. What will I accomplish next year?
9. How can I improve my daily routines?
10. What is one piece of advice I’d give my future self?
11. What can I do to practice more self care throughout the week?
12. What steps can I take to be the most confident version of myself?
13. How can I show others more love and compassion each day?
14. Who makes me the happiest?
15. If I could relive one moment what would it be?
16. If I could time travel where would I go?
17. How would I describe a perfect day?
18. How would I describe my ideal life?
19. What is most important to me?
20. If I would describe myself, what would I say?
21. If my friends were to describe me, what would they say?
22. How can I create more positive habits?
23. What are 3 things I need to stop doing?
24. What’s on my mind right now?
25. What are the top 25 things on my bucket list?
26. Who inspires me the most and why?
27. When was the last time I laughed until I cried?
28. What do I forgive myself for?
29. What am I leaving in the past?
30. What do I want to take with me into the future?
31. What are my top priorities?
32. Is there something I need to change that might be holding me back?
33. What are my goals for next month?

I have filled blogs, and journals, and writings full of the negatives, and my negative perceptions. I've also eliminated them. Given the finite amount of time we have on this planet, why spend anymore time than is absolutely necessary on that which is so painful, negative, hateful, or disgusting? There's no reason to. It solves nothing.  

This is most likely the only day I will wax all philosophical and stuff. Enjoy :)