Helping Me Help Me Here and There

 

I just occurred to me that it's been over 30 days since I decided to eliminate all the "Self-Help" content from my existence. 

Lo and totally behold, nothing went awry. I actually DID help myself, by way of a few doctor visits, some new treatments, and a whole lot of doing other stuff instead of bemoaning my own existence because I don't measure up to any of the content I was consuming. 

A LOT of things happened in July, none of which I will divulge here, but we survived. A LOT of heat is happening here in the desert, but I daresay, we have started to acclimate, because our electric bill was significantly lower this July than last. Go us. 

Getting away from trying to help myself let me get out of my own way enough so that I finally did some things that ABSOLUTELY needed to be done (like taxes), and allowed me to welcome some creativity back into the room. 

I started new treatments (in the health and well being department) in order to finally give my physical being the attention it was so sorely missing because I had given up, and was resigned to a life of so-so-ness. 

I have also realized that I have one very large white whale in my life - a scarf. A knitted scarf. A scarf which I do not seem to be able to complete, regardless of having made that same scarf at least twice before. 

I started it (the first time, well, third time) back in 2018, and have since then gotten midway or further, then ripped it out, started over, etc. again. I then decided to let it go in that particular yarn. I got some new yarn, and started over earlier this year. 

Yesterday, upon ALMOST completing the damned thing, I started on the one difficult row - a cable row - and it fell off the needles, and I could NOT save it. I could not get the stitches back to their appropriate needles, and I realized then that I did not WANT to. 

I pulled the entire thing off the needles, and started to rip it out, but then remembered that there's some thing here in Tucson where you can donate your WIPs (Works in Progress). So, for now, it's living in a bag, and when that event happens again, it will go there to a hopefully much more productive set of hands. 

But then, what did I immediately do? I started planning how to do this same pattern AGAIN but with a different yarn and color. Maybe I just needed a new color. l see it as sort of a cathartic exercise. A challenge. 

I let go of the original failure because I thought maybe it was carrying the energy of the events that were going on during that time, and I felt like that energy was what was blocking me (pun intended). I let go of yesterday's failure because it was particularly shitty choice of yarn, and the more I worked with it, the more I despised it. 

So, we shall see if I can make an progress and actually complete THIS attempt. And if THIS one ends up being a failure, as well, then I may finally be ready to walk away from this pattern completely and let it live fully in my memories. 

Maybe all the other attempts were symbolic of all the things left unfinished, unsaid, and undealt with. Lettuce hope that this attempt brings closure and peace. 

I think that's all I've got for today. 

Have a wonderful week!