Knowing What I Do Want

Wearing a bright shiny "Hello My Name is " overflowing with all that I used to be is not what I am about. There is no wallowing. There is no constant rehashing. There is no shoulda-woulda-coulda or what-ifness. Everything that came before showed me precisely what I do want, and definitively what I don't want. 

These are the things that I positively know that I want: 

• I want to be free to just be me
• I want to be comfortable in my skin suit
• I want energy
• I want laughter
• I want curiosity
• I want inspiration
• I want art
• I want color
• I want sounds
• I want movement
• I want the body that will take me to all the places I want to go
• I want the body that will allow me to move how I want to move
• I want to see the beautiful in myself

Everything I want is wholly within my reach. I have chosen to let a lot of things go, and though some other things still bother me, I can see them fading. I recognize that I am choosing to see things in a different light. I am choosing to move forward. I am choosing things that make me happy. 

So many things have changed this year. So many things have been clarified this year. Though I choose not to live in the past, I can look back and see all the many times when I did get exactly what I wanted because I believed I could have those things, and I allowed them to happen. I can also see the things that never saw the light of day because I overthunk them to death. No matter now, because everything is right where it should be, and everything is working out.  

I cannot begin to adequately describe to you what happens when you take control of your focus, your thoughts, and you choose what to let in, versus what to avoid/ignore/forget about. I can't begin to explain the way the chains break and fall away when you stop worrying about what other people think, and you start to focus only on what YOU think. 

I have found my why. I am learning every day to get better at sifting out the unwanted. I am learning everyday that what I want will happen all in due time, and mostly when I will believe, and then get out of my own way. 

I have discovered that I love smiling, and I love laughing. My focus this year has honestly NOT been on what IS, and in the few instances when I did focus on what IS, it made me miserable. My focus has been on the possibilities. Nothing is perfect, including me. I slip. I have moments of anxiety, anger, fear, et cetera. It is all about try, and try again. Practice makes near perfect. 

For now, I know what I want, and that's good enough. 

Knowing is Knowing. Doing is Doing. Believing is Key.

 

I spent a good year learning what I know about keto. Before that, I learned about vegetarianism, and veganism. Before that, there was cutting dairy, and cutting out diet pop. Before that, that lovely Six Week Body Makeover. You get the picture. 

Since then, I've spent most of my time ignoring what I learned, and doing whatever I wanted, regardless of the outcome. That went well ...

I don't regret any of it. All of it helped me know what I do want, and what I don't want. 

What I know: 

• I have triggers. Anxiety is the biggest. 
• I have a predetermined list of things that I use for self-sabotage. Comfort foods, if you like. 
• I must have exercise. A 100% sedentary life is causing my body to randomly revolt. 
• I can do whatever I choose. I can absolutely do whatever I put my mind to. 

What I do: 

• Fluctuate. Mostly daily. Sometimes, hourly. 
• Work a "desk" job. 
• Try, try, and try again. 
• Educate myself. 

What I believe: 

• This too shall pass.
• Everything is fine. 
• Everything is working out. 
• There is value and knowledge in every decision, and its outcome. 

Other things I randomly know about myself, and the world around me include the fact that tracking macros, and food journals are the biggest waste of time I've ever experienced. I tried that level of micromanagement. All it did was make me obsessive, and frustrated. NOT the optimal way of living. Another key factoid about life - excuses and blame are placeholders for the day when you finally decide to be 100% responsible for how your life is playing out. Probably the most basic truth I know is this: if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. 

Things that aren't right for me: 

• Veganism eating
• Carnivore (meat only) eating
• Holding on to upsetting things (fights, words, events) 
• Daily self-comfort-medicating. 

Things that are right for me: 

• Self-appreciation
• Focusing on things that give me joy and satisfaction
• Exercise
• Keeping an open mind to all the possibilities

I am not here to hash, rehash, and generally beat to death my past choices. They were what they were, and now is now. I now know that I create my own reality. I choose what I let in to my headspace. I choose what I put into my chewhole. I choose whether I move or not. Simple. 

I believe in me. 

This is my now. 

Round, and Around, and Around, and A Round Two

 It's been a bit over three years now since I was last at this point. So much has changed, in terms of life, in terms of my state of mind, in terms of everything. All I have is this moment, and this moment is what I am taking advantage of. 

I had a blog. I faithfully updated several times a week for a while, then it dwindled down to nothing. I deleted that blog because I'm not here to examine, and re-examine my past. I'm here because I like the process of writing, and thinking, and planning, and creating, and looking forward to what comes next. 

While I haven't developed the capacity to be 100% self-appreciative, I am no longer wallowing in self-loathing. I know now that this life is 10,000% about choices. It's about knowing that everything is always working out, and we get to create the reality we want to live in. Doesn't matter what's going on anywhere else in the universe. What matters is what I choose right now, here, for me. 

Again, I'm not going backwards. I know what I left back there, and the more I leave it there, the better I can be now.  

As the magnificent Nina Simone put it, I am feeling GOOD! 

This is where I am now: 

                                                                           215

I'm not necessarily proud of that number, but I also know that no matter what, I will get to where I want to be:     

                                                                           135

When I'm ready. When I put my mind to it, it will happen. You know, since it's just a number, that number up there, let's even go with a more random number:

                                                                           127

Everything is good. What has been has been. What is, is. I'm getting ready to create my best me. It's perfectly okay to live a life where I'm not constantly reviewing the past. It's equally fine to just do me, and focus on what is important in whatever moment I'm at. 

I am ready.  

I am here. 

Everything is working out. 

I am right where I need to be. 

I am happy where I am. 

I am proud of the things I've accomplished. 

I look forward to all the things I have yet to discover about myself, about life, about everything. 

Let's do this.