Knowing What I Do Want

Wearing a bright shiny "Hello My Name is " overflowing with all that I used to be is not what I am about. There is no wallowing. There is no constant rehashing. There is no shoulda-woulda-coulda or what-ifness. Everything that came before showed me precisely what I do want, and definitively what I don't want. 

These are the things that I positively know that I want: 

• I want to be free to just be me
• I want to be comfortable in my skin suit
• I want energy
• I want laughter
• I want curiosity
• I want inspiration
• I want art
• I want color
• I want sounds
• I want movement
• I want the body that will take me to all the places I want to go
• I want the body that will allow me to move how I want to move
• I want to see the beautiful in myself

Everything I want is wholly within my reach. I have chosen to let a lot of things go, and though some other things still bother me, I can see them fading. I recognize that I am choosing to see things in a different light. I am choosing to move forward. I am choosing things that make me happy. 

So many things have changed this year. So many things have been clarified this year. Though I choose not to live in the past, I can look back and see all the many times when I did get exactly what I wanted because I believed I could have those things, and I allowed them to happen. I can also see the things that never saw the light of day because I overthunk them to death. No matter now, because everything is right where it should be, and everything is working out.  

I cannot begin to adequately describe to you what happens when you take control of your focus, your thoughts, and you choose what to let in, versus what to avoid/ignore/forget about. I can't begin to explain the way the chains break and fall away when you stop worrying about what other people think, and you start to focus only on what YOU think. 

I have found my why. I am learning every day to get better at sifting out the unwanted. I am learning everyday that what I want will happen all in due time, and mostly when I will believe, and then get out of my own way. 

I have discovered that I love smiling, and I love laughing. My focus this year has honestly NOT been on what IS, and in the few instances when I did focus on what IS, it made me miserable. My focus has been on the possibilities. Nothing is perfect, including me. I slip. I have moments of anxiety, anger, fear, et cetera. It is all about try, and try again. Practice makes near perfect. 

For now, I know what I want, and that's good enough.