Grab some coffee. Get a snack. This could be a long one, and that is NOT an understatement.
It might be a bumpy read ...
Let me outline before I forget everything I have to say:
1. Clutter
a. Internal
b. External
2. Letting go
a. Let Them
b. You're not getting any younger
3. Prisons
a. Of our own making
b. The shackles
1. Scales
2. Blood glucose monitoring
3. Tracking food
4. Shitty food
4. When I am happiest
a. It's not when I'm obsessed with all things self image/appearance
5. Solutions
a. See #2
1. Purging
2. What I learned from deleting giant archives of Google Photos
b. The plan
c. Going forward
This week has been a complete and utter mind fuck. Not in a negative way, just one of those weeks where I let the depression get the better of me for the better part of most days.
I don't believe in regaling everyone with the gory details, so I won't do that. I do believe in some of that law of attraction stuff, especially the part about "You get what you think about, whether you want it or not." If you need proof that it's true, answer these questions:
- When is the last time you got a new car, and did NOT see at least five others exactly like yours?
- When is the last time you complained about your job and did NOT find anything else about your job that peeved you even more?
When you look for trouble, damn it, there it is.
When you look for good, equally damn it, there it is.
THIS is why I stopped watching the news several years ago. THIS is why I do not read news websites or articles or watch clips on socials, etc. THIS is also why when I am feeling the worst, I do something else. Distraction is the key to my sanity.
THAT all being said (brought to you by screaming in ALL CAPS), let's work through the aforementioned outline, shall we?
Clutter
I've come to the realization that regardless of how much we have literally removed from our living space, by way of old junk, old memories, old, old, old everything, there is still much to be done. I've also realized the sheer volume of digital clutter I have is also not helping. Believe you me, I have purged a lot of that, too, over the years, but it just occurred to me, as I was decluttering the Blogger archives, that it represents a me that I no longer want to be.
The external clutter is either a symptom of or a contributing factor TO the internal mental clutter, and therefore, the majority of it is going to have to go. That being said, I am leaning toward leaving this blog in the archives, and starting over at a different one because the purpose of this blog was originally to focus on changing me (the physical me) and all the obsessiveness around that particular endeavor.
And now I'm wondering if this is where I just say FUQITOL and start a vlog because, really, who wants to read this for the next hour. What I am writing here can be said in a matter of minutes.
(Pause to ponder all the possibilities and implications)
Letting Go
This has been the year of letting go. Letting go of people. Letting go of things. Letting go of old patterns. NOT letting go of other patterns.
Par example: I have a set of China from my late grandmother (Profit) that I will never use. I am not an entertaining kind of person with a formal dining room, and it's never gonna happen. The boxes of said tableware have been sitting on the other side of the room for going on three years now. I DID part with a set of glass dessert "cups" or whatever the hell they're called. They are now fodder for residents of the local landfill. The goal is to list this set, and ANOTHER one that's out in the other part of the house, on eBay and see what happens. That's been the goal. We'll see how long it takes me before that happens or they go to Goodwill.
Let Them
As for people, this week, I heard a message from Mel Robbins on the Tube of Yous that thoroughly applies:
The main quote: "So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations." (Highly paraphrased probably)
For the MOST part, this is what I have been doing - the Live and Let Live approach. It's taken years, but I am finally at a point that I no longer hold on to expectations of anything. What other people do, what they say, what they think of me - none of my business. Key word - MOST part ... No, it's not always easy, but mostly I just keep my mouth shut, occasionally observe, and go on about my own business. Yes, occasionally, I do get caught in the trap, but I can turn it back around fairly rapidly.
If I have something to say, I say it. There's usually backlash, pushback, or other shenanigans when I do, though, so frankly, I prefer a less stressful existence and just keep my thoughts to myself.
Back to the Letting Go - as my mother regaled in all her wisdom last night, "You're not getting any younger ..." REALLY? I hadn't noticed, but thanks for the reminder! Maybe that's what sparked my inspiration this morning, as I looked at the not ONE, but TWO scales that I keep out here so I can religiously weigh myself every morning and then proceed to either say "Cool," or "Of course ..." (You get what you think about, right?)
That changed this morning. I didn't weigh myself. Frankly, I might end up throwing them in the garbage. I don't want this any more.
Start at the 4:41 mark if it doesn't start there automatically
(all dramatic effect will be lost, but you know)
As I was purging the Blogger archives, it occurred to me that this obsession with my imperfections has plagued me for the better part of my nearly 55 years, and I am DONE. I'm done. I have stress ate, I have been bulimic, I have been overly fat, I have lost over 50 lbs, I have put back on 50 lbs, I have done keto, vegan/vegetarian, low carb, done DDP, gone to the gym, etc. blah-blahbity-blah, and nothing much has changed. See the theme? I got what I constantly have been thinking about, which is the hyperfocus on physical appearance, whether I wanted it or not.
I can't do it anymore. There are some days I realize that I never even look in the mirror when I wake up. That's how much I have beaten my psyche down. I'm done with it. I am who I am, I am what I am, I look how I look, and I feel how I feel. I'm done chasing something that's never going to happen BECAUSE I am chasing it.
If I am meant to weigh less, I will. I know what to do. I know what to eat. I know what NOT to do. I know what NOT to eat. That is it. No more tracking. No more weighing. No more bullshit. Just done. That all being said, this is MY journey. If you are on a different path, that is 10,000% cool with me. I do not disparage anyone else. This is just about ME.
Why? As I looked at the seemingly neverending array of diet-related images and selfies, the thought that came to mind is that I do NOT want this to be what defines my existence. Period. I choose happy. I choose to do things that matter to me. I do NOT choose to be ruled by food, or self image anymore. I am a good person. How I look may not be pleasing to others, but I can't change genetics, and I'm not going to spend countless dollars on trying to delay the inevitable.
I'm also done making myself feel older than I really am. Yes, 55-ish is up there, but it's not the end. I can still put on makeup with the best of them, and make myself feel somewhat pleasing to the eyeball(s). I'm just done being afraid to be me. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what I look like. I look at people for their content (what's inside). I'm done apologizing for how I look. If you can't see what's inside of me, maybe I need to work on that, but I am no longer focusing on becoming something other than what I am.
Prisons
I've pretty much covered this line of thought - eliminating ALL of the tracking, the monitoring, and other bullshit. If I make a meal plan now, it is purely for the sake of convenience and organization, and NOT because I'm chasing some new fucking diet plan. Fuck it.
The life sentence thus far has been to chase something hard, and get all immersed, even if only for a week, and then give up when it doesn't work. The thing that lasted the longest was keto, but I have proven to myself that I cannot mentally or physically follow it for life. I just can't.
We know more than we allow ourselves to think we know. I know which foods are healthy. I know which foods are complete shit. The approach now is to eat MORE of the healthy foods and way LESS of the shit foods. Let the "chips" (pun sort of intended) fall wherever they may.
The shackles are off.
When I am Happiest
Another thing I realized, whilst browsing the archives, is that I have been the happiest when my self image was the furthest/farthest thing from my mind.
Just to name a few times
Solutions
I've covered a lot of it already - the solution is that I am done with the bullshit. I'm done waiting to be happy until, or when ... Life is for living NOW.
There is no plan, really. That's the joy of it. I have let go of the need to map it all out. Que sera sera and all that nonsense. Things always work out. You have to bloom where you're planted, and that's what I am doing.
Maybe that's why the current obsession with floral designs ...
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