Yes, it's been a hot half a year or more ... I'm not feeling very Zen, so I thought I'd dust off this old diary and say some words.
Back in June, I was in the process of minimizing my everythings. I kind of gave up on any attempt at trying to lose weight, and was focusing instead on different goals. I even started the Zen Polar diary in attempt to veer away from constantly thinking about "self" improvement. Since then, we've done a significant amount of work on the homestead, which you can read about here. I'm not here though to talk about that.
I've been trying to find balance. I was tired of not being good enough for myself. I am my own very worst enemy. Not worried about what anyone else thinks of me because I can't control that. I still weigh myself daily, if not multiple times per day. Old habits, etc. However, I've been doing a fair amount of binging. Not even binging, but SOME binging. Bingeing? What a funky word to write. ANYWHOOOOOO, yeah. Let's just say I've been all out of fucks when it comes to "watching what I eat." The most I watch is when I unwrap something and shove it in my face-chew hole.
I have come to the realization that I do indeed eat my feels, and I also eat because I don't have anything better to do with my hands, such as when sitting in front of the idiot box. It was easier to hide it (mostly from myself) when my beloved was working, and not here. Since August, though, with the job loss, I can't hide it, and so I just said fuck it, and stopped deluding myself. I was trying to deal with the things I have ZERO control over by comforting myself, if only for a few seconds here or there.
I've also come to realize that my fear of embarrassment, humiliation, and shame keep me from doing a lot of things for myself that would probably ultimately make me feel better. I do a lot of wholly useless maths in my head to justify my lack of forward movement. Like, "Well, this particular thing happens no matter how good I look, therefore, why the fuck bother looking good?" or "No matter how much I do or accomplish, I still hear these words from this person, so why even try to do anything better?" But those are just lame excuses for not taking better care of ME.
More recent events, however, have highlighted to me the importance of taking care of ME if ME wants to continue living on this particular planet. A few weeks back, it seems like an eternity ago, I got a cold from my Beloved who brought home germs of others when he went to see a show. It was a typical cold for about four days or so, but then this cough just held on. And on. And on some more. After several medications, and breathing treatments, and a menagerie of OTC solutions, I may be on the mend finally.
One thing has been made all too clear, though. The path forward does not involve living fast and loose on the carb train, or the junk train, or even the high amounts of dairy train. All these things lead to very high levels of inflammation and mucus. Eww.
I need clean. I need clean food. I need food that is not useless. I need food that adds value instead of subtracting it.
I need to stop letting what other people do dictate my responses. What other people choose to do or not do is none of my business.
I need to handle my own shit. I need to get off my own ass and do the things that I want to do, regardless of whether I do them alone, regardless of whether anyone else can see that I need help and turn a blind eye to it. Regardless of anything, I need to suck it up and get shit done. Period.
I'm making lists (not here). I work by a list every day. That's how I keep my job shit together. So, why not do the same with my personal shit? There's no concrete plan in place for the dietary intake, other than to know this:
Going back to keto/very low carb
Eliminating junk, sugar, fast food, etc.
Everything else will work itself out. There's no obsession with weight loss this time. In fact, I heard it put the best way ever yesterday. "When you chase something, it runs." EXACTLY!!! I was always chasing it, obsessing, blahbityblahblah.
This isn't about chasing some delusion of physical specimen perfection. It's just about being the best me I can.
I have a lot A LOTTA shit to get done today, so I best shut up now and get started.
I'll be back with details.
Until then, have a lovely day!
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