Trial and Error: The Keto Edition

 It's been a long time since I first embarked on ketoing - 2017, to be exact. 

Since that time, there have been lots of trials, errors, all around fails and some decent recipe victories. 

Here were some of the winners over the years: 

Zucchini Boats. I can't remember what was in them, but it was keto. 

Salad with homemade Ranch and Grilled Chicken Bits (from a bag - do NOT recommend!) 

Sausage Alfredo sauce with some brand of shirataki noodles. Not my favorite pasta sub, but it was bearable. The sauce was good. Just browned sausage, alfredo sauce, onions, and parmesan sprinkle cheese. 

Taco Bowl. Easy when you're feeling too lazy for complicated. 

Caprese Chicken with real mozzarella, and roasted zucchini

NY Strip with sauteed shrooms, butter, and asapargii with a side of ranch for my steak. Don't ask. 

It's how I roll. 

Keto soft tacos (homemade keto tortillas), and some form of shredded chicken, veggebles, and Queso Fresco cheese, and some sour cream

Keto strawberry crepes. 

I don't remember what was in the crepes, but it was keto. 

Pretty fucking good.

Winner, winner ... Crepe dinner

It's not hard to dine out on keto, especially at a dineR. There was this place called Metro in Fort Wayne. It was the bomb. Unfortunately, it closed :( 

Sausages, bacon, and scrambled egglets. All protein, all filling.

I canNOT recommend store-bought keto or low-carb tortillas. They always make me bloat, and they are just too chewy, even when you char them on the stove. I CAN recommend the filling - shredded slow cooker chicken, sauteed peppers and onions, and a lovely creamy cheese sauce. HELL YEAH.

T-bone and keto-stuffed mushrooms. Definitely a winner!

Grilled zucchini. Always good. Always.

There were some PHENOMENAL losers that I did not get pictures of, such as some keto butter chicken recipe, made from scratch. Horrendous. Couldn't even finish cooking it. Abandoned hope and went out for dinner. 

I was off of keto before the whole cottage cheese craze took over, so I have yet to try any of those concoctions, but I probably will. 

I also didn't take any shots of the standards, the Buffalo chicken "dip" that I just eat as the main entree, or my sausage/egg casserole, or the keto bagels made with a copious amount of cheese, and almond flour and egg. 

So, what am I about to try? 

So many, many things: 

The new-fangled Accidental Fathead Dough Pizza ... 

"Two-ingredient" cheesy bread: 

Yes, there's a pattern here. I thoroughly love the Keto Twins because their faces don't lie. They test out multitudes of keto recipes, and they are to thank for that Million Dollar Chicken Florentine Sandwich Recipe that I forgot to put above, but looks SOMETHING like this: 

Recipe here

Here are some that I saw recently on the Tube of Yous: 

I have never had Boursin cheese, but this looks pretty delightful and something I could put on top of a chaffle. <3 

There's also this one from Mayra: 

Looks like it would be pretty good for lunches, or dinners. Make a big pan and let it last all week. 

This one I did try once, and it was so-so, but I may have to try it again: 

Since I now have a metric fuckton of chia seeds, I will definitely be giving this a go, too: 

I had tried to make a chia pudding from memory the other day, and let's just say it's more like chia SOUP. The flavor is fine, but I definitely need the guidance of an actual recipe. :) This one looks pretty great! 

I think you get the idea. There is a vastness to the amount of keto recipes, and I intend to start exploring them at a more in-depth level. 

I think that's good for today. 

I am hungry and it's too early. 

Damn it. 

Blind Faith, Hot Flashes, and Exploring Options

 

Morning Skies

I remember, faintly, my mom going on and on about how I "always had my nose in a book." That was before getting glasses, and after. But that was her justification for taking me to the eye doctor. I have no recollection of what age that was, except maybe third or fourth grade?

If I can find the picture, I will show you just how very horrendous my first pair of glasses looked. They were hidyiz. 

I feel like this is gonna be a babbly one. Grab snacks of your choosing. 

Ryze, Shine, Self Perception, and Screamery with a Helping of Nope

 

So, the rain continues to elude our little corner of heaven. C'est la vie in la desierta. It's been exponentially cooler for the most part of this week, and now it's about to warm up again (HA). Can't wait .... For October and November, just to get these cooler mornings on a more daily basis! 

In supplemental news, my Beloved tried this Ryze mushroom stuff that's been swirling about the internets (well, at least since the algorithmic forces caught wind of one or both of us looking at the ads). So, me being curious, I read up on it, and then tested it out yesterday in my morning cuppojo. It wasn't as horrific as I thought it would be, but I ALSO took it upon myself to over-dose, and proceeded to be fairly mellow and tired for most of the day. 

This morning, I tried the sample pack of their mushroomy vanilla coffee creamer, and I am very, very, VERY grateful that I tried it before buying it. Ewwww. NOT at all what I want. I'm considering purchasing more for me, and him, but just wish they would allow you to build your OWN bundle, instead of paying for them to send you a bunch of garbage trinkety shit. Just let me buy two bags and give me a discount on THAT. We shall see. Oh, and it is keto friendly, with less than one gram o' carbs, so I feel alright consuming it on that front. 

In the world of self image, self esteem, and perception of self, there is nothing about pictures of me now that makes me feel good. I'm 57, my hair is very thinning, I look very round on film (especially the new garage door camera view), and I just want to hide in my shell. 

Looking at myself from inside my skull, I don't get the full picture, so I can delude myself that I don't look THAT bad, but pictures, mirrors, and video tell my brain a different story. 

So, since this is the most bearable, this will serve as my before shot, since it was taken out at the Mission, well before I started the keto thang: 

I think the first time I started keto, I also had short hair, so by the time I hit my goals, my hair, what there is of it should be exponentially longer. I am playing the long game. It's how I roll. 

As we can observe, most of my weight lives north of my thighs. Yay. Apple shape, I think The Guru Theys call it? 

I did go through a period when my legs were embarking on some sort of edema journey, or just fat/swollen with a dose of canklage going on. I believe that was right before being diagnosed with the Beetus. 

Since those days, my ankles and calves have returned to normal. 

I guess my perception, upon seeing myself in pictures, is old chubby lady. Whatever. I am what I am, and I just have to put that out of my head whenever I leave the house. What anyone else perceives me to be is NONE of my business. 

I do look forward to getting back to this, though: 

A little less APPLE-y, and also in Arizona in '18

I am really thinking about what I need to do in order to be successful again. I think I deleted most of my records from then, which is unfortunate, but I know I made a lot of food in advance, so there was always an option. I know you CANNOT just wing it when doing keto because that's when the carbage creeps back in. 

I also know that I have to be more careful this time around, and not play fast and loose with the "High Fat" intake. My kidneys are no longer up to that task, especially since the gall bladder has exited stage left. I probably should start taking the ox bile supplements again, and lay off the MCT oil because that always seems to trigger the pains, typically in the left one. 

I don't know if I mentioned my bout with stones and surgery (of the botched) varietal, and stents earlier this year, but let me tell you, it SUCKED. I'm usually good at handling pain and discomfort, so when I end up at the clinic, you know it must be pretty excruciating. If you think getting a gyno exam is uncomortable, try getting stent removal. Possibly the most humiliating medical procedure of my lifetime. YUCK! 

Anywhoooooooooooooo, there will be much meal planning and prepping, probably weekly, for the unforeseaable future. Meats, salads, veggebles, snacks, etc. 

I was thinking last night that this is what sucks, but what is excellent about keto - you are so NOT HUNGRY and NOT interested in food at ALL, which means you have zero interest in snacking, and less interest in cooking and making full blown meals. Blessing? Curse? Just depends on the day. 

Fun fact: Did you know that Lima, Ohio is considered the Pork Rind Capitol of the world? 

Neither did I until I moved across the country, ordered a selection of snacks from PorkRinds.com, and then read the bag when it got here, and it said they were based in Lima. Which, at that point, my Beloved googled and found that interesting factoid. 

Wacky! 

So, I was going to talk about horror movies, recurring nightmares, and aging out of them gracefully, but I feel like I've babbled on too long as it is, so that's a post for another day, as I have LOTS of thoughts and memories to share on the topic. 

Today will be spent working on my office some more, and maybe rearranging the kitchen cabinet setup (the items INSIDE, not the cabinets themselves). 

Hope you have an excellent day! I plan on it. 

<3 

Sneaky, Sneaky Chicken Man, Wily Coyotes and Space Oddity

Let's get the keto news out the way ... 

Weight: 195

There you have it. Five pounds in two weeks, (I think) ...

Measurements: No clue. New tape measure is still in packaging, and has moved from kitchen to bathroom drawer. We'll see if it makes any further moves this week. 

For the most part, all intentionally consumed sugar is gone. I'm sure there's added sugar in some of the sauces, but for the most part, gone. 

Still get mild headaches, maybe every other day now, but that could be from needing new glasses, or stress, so not going to call it a keto symptom. 

According to the peetone strip, I'm in full-on fat-burning mode (ketosis), sitting at anywhere from 3.0 to 6.0 depending on the time of day. 

I have to remember to check my blood sugar in the morning, and then again before lunch to see if it's improving. Last I checked, it was 126, and that was after consuming something, so maybe it's lower, and back down in pre-diabetic ranges? Time will tell. 

Mostly dined on salads, homemade ranch dressing, and assorted meat things this week. I know that when I eat a copious amount of fresh veggebles, the BLOAT doth kick the fuck in. It's almost miserable. We make what we call "turkey and veggebles," consisting of oven-roasted zukes, yellow squash, onions, and peppers, fry up some ground turkey, add a sauce, throw it all together in a bowl and call it a meal. 

I achieved some chia seeds, and such because I saw a recipe for some format of cloud bread using ground seeds. We'll see if I get motivated enough to do it. 

Kind of just in headache mode at the moment, and although it is Saturday, I don't feel the urge to get much done. I DO have to work on my office at some point. I'm tired of the clutter, and it's not going to de-clutter itself. 

Oh, and those scales? Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck that. I took the new digital one back. What a joke. Now left with the manual, which will be main source of data from here on. Done messing around with trying to figure it all out. It is what it is. 

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IN other news, I have no plausible explanation for why Lalo Salamanca popped in my head yesterday, but there was one scene where he's hiding in a culvert, and he says, "Sneaky, sneaky Chicken Man ..." and to date, there are ZERO clips of this scene, and I don't know why, and if I ever find it, I might be the first to make it. 

For some reason, when watching fiction, I always lean towards the villain side. Mainly because main character/heroes are unreasonably displayed as flawless, and perfect specimens of humanity (in my mind) and villains just have no time for all that. 

And if the villain is cucumber cool, but also funny? Puh-lease. Count me in. 

Then, there might be the most perfectly flowing Spanish name ever ... Lallllloooo, Sallllllllamannnnn-KA. It just rolls right out the mouth.

Anywhooo, you can find him in later seasons of Breaking Bad, and then as a more main component of Better Call Saul, which I believe is much better than BB, because there's no whiny Jesse, or Walter, for that matter, and it's just a better-written story. 

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We have started walking Odin, and twice now, Nettie. Odin is in "training," with his collar, and it was really put the test yesterday. I had taken Nettie out, but given her state, she just can't go that far anymore, so I took her back home. Whilst I was doing that, my Beloved continued down the street with Odin, and encountered some larger sheep dog that was allowed to barge out its door and bellow at him. Apparently, though his feathers were ruffled, and he was a bit startled/scared, he did not react in a negative manner. 

Before THAT, and before I rounded the corner with Nettie, I saw our first COYOTE crossing the street and heading into the wash. Odin didn't react to that either. 

Then, once they were way down the street, my Beloved found another coyote following them, at a distance, so he turned around and scared it off. 

THEN then, I had started walking again, sans Nettie, and encountered them on another street, and there was a third (or maybe that second one) in the wash. My Beloved said it came DOWN from a tree, and at first he didn't know what he would be encountering. 

Here is the suspect. It was very small, probably not a lot bigger than Odin, though probably a bit taller. It was unphased by our presence, and was just doing as the coyotes do ... probably looking for water, which is very scarce. It was very mellow, and minding its' business. 

We need to start at least carrying the pepper spray or the air horns in case we should encounter more than one. Lesson learned. 

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I was sitting here having deep thoughts, marveling at how it can storm ALL around the city, but seems to just dissipate when it comes to our corner of the valley. I can see the mountains. I can SEE Sabino Canyon from our street, very clearly, but it's some 9-10 miles away: 

So, map says half an hour to go 9.6 miles? It's weird to my brain. The time-space continuum here is very warped. In Ohio, it would take, say, 3-4 minutes to go less than 5 miles into town. 

OF course, you have to account for the Maps assuming that everyone drives 55mph in the country, but still ... Apparently, they also assume that everyone gets stuck at ALL traffic lights, and there is no flow. 

We're also some 20+ miles from Marana, and yet, it just doesn't seem that far away. 

What really tripped me out was how absolutely wrong I was about where my grandparents used to live. It's almost on the west side, very close to I-10, and much closer to downtown - a place we never went when we visited in my childhood. 

It's just all an adjustment. Yet, so very happy that it's so easy to get around here, and if you get lost, just look for your mountains, and drive in the direction. They are all very distinguishable, so it's cake. 

All in all, I just absolutely love it here, and I never plan on leaving. 

Happy Weekend! 

Cloudy Days, Walkabouts, and The Weight of Scales

 I didn't take my camera with me this morning, because I took Nettie, but here are a few shots from yesterday, Odin's first outing in the neighborhood: 

Heading west - A lovely wall mural <3 

Sunrising beside the Rincons (facing East, DUH ...) 

North, looking at the Catalinas, a few houses down from ours

We left a bit earlier this morning, because COOLER, and it's been cloudy, so it's in the mid-80s, which is heavenly. Working on training Odin with some form of collar that delivers pulses or vibrations, but not the shock collars of old. I'm conflicted. At first, I thought it would be a good plan, but the thing has to be on so tight, I know it can't be comfortable. So, is it going to help when he's NOT wearing it? I don't know. He's very intelligent, and loves to go walking, so we shall see. 

So far, he hasn't been super reactive to anything, dogs or people included, so that's a bonus. He's got another session with the trainer this weekend, so hopefully, we can pick up more pointers on his in-home behaviors, get those changed or corrected, and then move on from the collar. OR, it's just something he has to wear in public, and at home, we just keep working on manners without it. We shall see. 

In other news, hoping the clouds hang out for at least the next hour or two. This weather is downright blissful. The Weather Theys say there are chances for haboobs and rain later today. We shall see. A little over two months in, and I think I'm done checking the weather obsessively. Coming to learn quickly that, in our current locale, this is what the weather will be: 

Gently borrowed from a Facebook Group

And this cycle repeats several times per week. 

I've decided to slowly step away from the weather app, and just be pleasantly surprised IF and WHEN it does decide to rain! 

IN other OTHER news, of the keto varietal, had my first protein crash yesterday. I may have snacked on a cheese stick, some almonds and a small bag of Korean BBQ pork rinds before lunch, and then at lunch, I ate a rather large serving of Buffalo chicken whatever it is, and about 40 minutes later, I was down for the count. 

This is NOT how I want to spend the duration of ketoing. I remember it well from the last time. 

So I'm currently in search of new dietary ideas, but will stick with NOT snacking on proteins before lunch, and will probably stick with some form of salad and a protein for lunch, then some other form of protein and a veggeble for dinner. 

Current snacks of choice are pork rinds, occasional chip dip, and celery with a bit of peanut butter. 

I've also encountered a few nights where it's nearly impossible to go to sleep - another symptom of ketoing. Therefore, I think I need to incorporate some magnesium glycinate before bed to help withe sleep. I would take melatonin, but past experience is getting a burning headache when I take it, so I will probably avoid it. 

I was solidly in ketosis this morning, somewhere between 4.0 and 8.0, let's say 6.0, which is cool. My body apparently has keto memory, so it didn't take long at all to get going, and the week of finishing off the sugar-based coffee creamer probably helped alleviate any form of "keto flu." A few days there were headaches, but nothing Tylenol won't solve. 

This brings me to weights and measures. Scales are FUCKED. 

If you know me at all, you know I have some penchant for keeping multiple scales in rotation. Mainly because you can't get a straight answer from any of them, so you kind of just have to take an average. 

I bought one last year or the year before, it was both digital and mechanical, and of course, those two in one contraption COULD NEVER come to an agreement. Also, you can only get a semi-accurate reading ONCE. If you step back on immediately, you'll gain four to five pounds. What the holy fuck? 

So, I bought a new digital, thinking it would work better. I was incorrect. It shot me back up over the 200s. It's being returned mainly to preserve my sanity. 

I told myself when leaving Ohio that I wouldn't do this again. I failed. 

I then went and bought another mechanical scale with large numbers so my blind arse can read it from up above. 

I think I'll be comfortable just using manual with an occasional sanity check on the other one. I fully realize the number on the scale is NOT the most important factor, so there's that. 

I also bought a new tape measure, but have yet to take any measurements, mainly because I don't care. :D If the clothes fit better or looser, I will know things are working properly. I also can tell just by how I feel and look physically. 

Since I carry most of my poundage in the mid section, it's easy to see when it diminishes, which it has. I can also see some changes in shoulders and face, even this early in. All of that helps keep me going. 

In non-keto news, I can hear the ravens chatting in the distance, and there were no less than six hummingbirds buzzing around this morning. We now have two feeders hung up, and thus far, I am not seeing them all getting along in perfect harmony. There are more than enough feeding stations, but they all fuss, and bicker, and chase each other around the yard. 

I think that's all I got today. 

Life is good and getting better. 

Thanks for stopping by! <3 

The Whatever Files: Volume One: Dead Names, Dying Relationships, and the Power of Being Erased

I warn you now, this is gonna be long-winded. I just have to get it out. If you don't want to read this novella, by all means go enjoy your day. I promise I won't be offended, or even know :) 

Frida, Fashion, and Crosses (to Bear?)

 Remember back in the 80s when, if we broke a long nail, we would fix it with a tiny piece of toilet tissue and some clear nail polish? Yeah, those days are gone. My longest nail is broken beyond repair and I'll just settle with removing it and letting it grow back. 

So yeah ... I knew who Frida Kahlo was long before we moved here, but moving here, you get a whole new level of immersion into her face. It's everywhere! There are restaurants with stunning murals ... 

Gently borrowed and cropped from here: https://share.google/s71z1cGu9a0rpN0es

Streets in her name, etc., and yesterday, we went to Borderlands Trading Co., where there was a PLETHORA of Frida images, art, etc. along with a vast array of Mexican furniture, pottery, dinnerware, and beautiful lamps and crosses. 

It brought out my love for Romeo + Juliet ('96) so much so that we bought two crosses, one a gorgeous rusted iron piece with scrollwork that we're going to clean up a bit, and clearcoat, and then hang on the back wall outside, and the other a smaller tin cross that is just what my office needed. I'll take pictures when we've got them hung up. 

Back to Frida, I don't know all that much about her, but I'm certain I will be educating myself, so I can understand her significance in this part of the country! 

In sad but humorous news, what I think was a hummingbird MOTH, flew up beside the outdoor ceiling fan last night, THEN proceeded to fly INTO the ceiling fan, then ricocheted off into the wall, and then somehow (it survived) ended up flying back out into the great good night. I'm sure it was just as startled as I was!  

We left Borderlands in search of an antique store. First one was so packed, there was no parking, so we meandered back a bit to a newer store that was NICE AND QUIET and not busy at all. The layout was also stress free. I just don't understand vendors, though, who pack their tiny booths SO FULL of stuff that you can't even move, or reach anything you might WANT to look at. Makes no sense. 

I found a metal sun that I'm going to hang up also out here on the patio, along with two little iron suns that I found at Borderlands. Seems fitting, given our location. 

There was a print that I would have bought had they not so very overpriced it. If I ever want it bad enough, I can easily find it online for half or less than the price of this one: 

Here we see the edge of my metal sun wall hanging framing the overpriced print :) 

There was also a booth PACKED with fabulous Barbies, and other dolls, such as this one: 

It was a lovely booth. There was even a Rita Moreno doll I had never seen before that was gorgeous. Must have been from her earlier years. Just stunning. 

The one I've never seen again, since way back in my 20s, when Meijer used to have Barbies in display cases on the endcaps, is the Bob Mackie Moon Goddess Barbie. It was absolutely captivating in person. This person's eBay listing does NOT do it justice: 

Maybe it was the exquisite detail. Maybe it was just the fact that, back then, I couldn't afford it. Who knows. Either way, if I ever find it in person somewhere, I may just get it. We shall see. Some things are better left unbought. 

Speaking of fashion, we started watching The New Look because we are in a show hole. It's a pretty enlightening story about fashion and World War II, etc. Plus, Dior ... 

Sigh ... <3 

In other news, the moon has been putting on a pretty spectacular show the past few nights: 

I'm closer and closer to getting out my REAL camera, as my phone camera sucks ASS, as we can see here. Maybe then, I will be able to get some better shots of what I am seeing. 

In keto news, I'm ending the week at 197.2, so down 2.8 lbs. 

I did buy a new tape measure because curiosity. I don't know if I shall publicly announce those measurements, but for me, it will be a way to see progress if the scale isn't showing anything. 

I've learned and tried a few things this week:

• Those "low-carb" chicken nuggets (I think the brand if Real Good) are not all that keto friendly. Going forward, I'll just do the pork panko and cheese coating if I need some format of breaded chicken. 
• Eating after dinner, at all, is not a good plan. I mean, sometimes, it's going to happen, but it's a habit, along with any snacking, outside mealtimes, is NOT going to be the norm. 
• I haven't religiously tracked blood sugar, but for a while, I was UP THERE ... and I tested yesterday, somewhere between lunch and dinner, and it was down to 127, which is progress. Maybe this week I'll start tracking and check before my first meal. 
• I'm not doing any sort of intermittent fasting per se, but usually it's at least 15 to 17 hours between last meal and first meal, so there's that. I never have been much for breakfast fare, but I was snacking in the mornings, before lunch, which wasn't helping matters. I have stopped that this week. 

That's about it for now. Same ol' same ol' ... 

Happy Sunday! 

Demonic Bugs, Face Goals, and the Myth of Graceful Perspiration

 

This time of the morning is about the only time I don't sweat. I haven't sweated this much in DECADES. The heat here may be "dry" but I am not. 

And also, for anyone who ever made fun of me wearing all black in the summer, or long sleeves and pants? HA ... I can't tell you how many people I've seen wearing all black, OR the number of individuals, especially landscapers, that wear long sleeves, long pants, and head wraps (I don't know the technical term, but their heads and faces are completely covered, except eyes, pretty much), etc. 

Thus far, if trying to avoid the heat, like yesterday's 113F, we run the AC way too low, and all the available ceiling fans, along with box fans in the garage when we're partaking in our nasty habit of smoking. Following the lead of neighbors, we had a ceiling fan added to our back patio, as well. 

THIS because, in addition to improving my sweating skillz, I seem to be highly attractive to these little menaces from hell called "no-see-ums." 

WHAT in the HOLY FUCK? I have never been bitten so much in my life, and if you think mosquito bites itch? PUH-LEASE ... 

Thing is, you don't feel it when it happens, but soon after you just start itching horrendously, and if you touch them, you itch even more, to the point where scraping your skin off with a dull steak knife would feel pleasant. 

This is what the bites look like: 

I actually think it started when we were held up in Shamrock, TX, on the way here, but then once we landed here, and I decided I could landscape on my own, I must've released the tiny Krakenii, and all hell broke loose on my skin. I've had bites on my arms, legs, back, sides, and even once on my forehead. 

After the worst bout, I counted nearly 70 bites all over my person. 70 bites' worth of itch is almost more than my psyche can handle. I took Benadryl pills, covered myself in anti-itch spray, and hydrocortisone cream, and went to bed. 

The Theys say NOT to scratch, because then you just get open wounds and are a prime target for infections. Fuck that. So, me, I did not scratch but a few (meaning like only twice). For the size of the offending beast, the size of the bite is probably 50x bigger. It's absolutely insane. They also take forever to fade. 

Knock on wood, with the implementation of keto, cutting out all the sugars and breads, and snacky snax, and wearing natural and not-natural repellents, along with a tiny bug zapper or two, and the running of the fans, the frequency of bites seems to be diminishing. 

BLESSED BE THE FRUIT!!! 

Speaking of handmaids, did you watch Handmaids? If so, how did YOU feel about the series finale? 

Personally, it felt rushed, and lame. Most of the last season, except for the phenomenal parts, just felt like they had renamed the series to "June's Face." This week on June's Face, we see up her nose. Next week on June's Face, we get a side view of her eyeball ... On and on. 

Oh well. 

This morning, we went on our second walkabout. We got a late start, and the sun was already up over the houses, so it was a much shorter stint. This also serves as landscaping research. There are so many different ways people adorn their front yards here. It's all very cool!!! 

Also, clearly, going south provides a MUCH better view of the Catalinas when going back north :) It was absolutely stunning! I will definitely be taking my phone on walks soon, so I can prove it pictorially. (<---did not know if that was a word or not, but spellcheck seemed to approve :D) 

As for keto, day five, and all is going fairly smoothly. After consumption and thought, I know that a few things will NOT make regular appearances on the menu: anything with almond flour, like those keto crackers, and a whole lotta NUTS ... I know better. No matter how much I love them, they do not love me. They make me bloat, and they are inflammatory. Bummer, but it tis what it tis. 

I did find SLICED chorizo, so I had that last night for a snackity snack. Not too shabby. 

No weigh in today - my scale is stupid, and I need a new one, and therefore, probably won't be much to report on that front til next week. 

This is my first "week" without iced tea. Just been having coffee and water with lemon, or just water, and a magical metric fuckton of chewy ice. 

I'll be making my snausage-and-egg "casserole" this morning. I had made the Buffalo chicken dip, and had that for at least five meals this week with either a salad, or Caprese salad (mozzarella (real) and tomatoes with basil, balsamic vinegar, etc.). 

Let's move on to other goals. I loved having this face: 

She wasn't the happiest person back then (2017-2018), but she did love her face and was learning to love herself more and more. 

Today, she is giving blowfish vibes: 

I accept that I am now in the aging phase of life, and I am not one of those women who will be partaking in fillers, Botox, or facelifts, so I wholeheartedly embrace the appearance of lines and wrinklies. However, I know I enjoy looking in the mirror much more when my facial region is not carrying a bunch of excess puffage. 

So, with time, and persistence, I will get to a place where my face looks better to ME. Other than that, the goal is to keep improving, and make sure I have no need for doctors, or pharmaceutical measures. That's about it ... Oh, and to get in good enough shape to walk in the mountains without struggling. NO, I'm not going HIKING, but I do at least want to go up to Sabino Canyon and hang out. 

I will get there. Just watch. 

Happy Friday. Off I go. 

Erasers, Lies, Three-Lock Boxes and the Time to Heal Some of the Wounds

This portion of today's entry was written in April 2024. I didn't publish it then because everything was still raw and painful, like a third-degree burn. I'm sharing it now to demonstrate how much time has the power to at least soften the blows and let you move into more comfortable territory ... More after this: 

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This is how I feel about being erased. Have at it. 

My favoritest meme of all time. Bury it with me when I go ... 

You can belittle me, degrade me, disrespect me, and attempt to erase me, but you will never be able to destroy my memories. Only time and nature have that kind of power. 

You can't make me feel the same disgust you feel about your "past," and all that was in it. Because my memories and a magical metric fuckton of images tell a much different story. No, things were not always easy. No, we didn't have a lot. No, I was definitely not perfect, ever, and many people didn't hesitate to let me know how imperfect I was. But I remember from how I felt. I remember what I felt. And you don't get to take that away. 

Never take for granted those little moments, no matter who you turn out to be. You never know when it's the last time you'll get to have any more of those times. 

Like the clouds up there in the sky that look so solid, as if you could just lay on them and recline in billowy comfort, it all just turns to vapor. It's gone the second you try to hold on to it. 

I also feel the same about lies. 

Do not look me straight in the eye and lie, fumble, make excuses, play dumb, etc. Just don't. It's not a good look. For fuck's sake, own your shit. If you want something, SAY you want something. If you no longer want something, SAY you no longer want something. It's very simple. 

What is left of my heart and soul is now stashed away in my own three-lock box. Sorry, that song popped into my head the other day, and wouldn't leave ... 

Suckers walk, money talks

But it can't touch my three lock box

This week, every day has been a struggle. The more I learn, the less I wanna know. Can I not just have peace? Can I not just have rest? Can I not just have the simplest amount of happiness once in a while? What happens when there's nothing left of my heart to break? 

Your guess is as good as mine. 

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Here I sit, some one year, three months, and 20-ish days later, in an entirely different frame of mind. So much has happened. 

Still erased. Only now, it's more of an afterthought. Just something that pops up in my brain maybe a couple times a week for a brief moment here or there, and not every day all day like it had been occupying me. If someone erases you, let them. If someone belittles you. Let them. Walk away and let them throw their tantrums in solitude, or with whatever cult they have joined. All involved in this situation are grown adults. No intervention required. 

Yes, I'm a bit jaded, and bitter, and still deeply saddened by the whole thing, but I also know that what I said, I would say again, with zero convictions, because it came from a "place of love and concern," and NOT from being a bigot, or transphobic, or any other way they want to label me. So, they can refer back to the above meme. 

Everything else mentioned above is a river I'll never step in again. At a certain point, the bullshit is just enough, and you just have to choose to move forward regardless of what anyone else does. Whose choices can I control? MINE. Period. 

IN my opinion, I have everything I ever wanted. Solitude, peace, and being surrounded by the most beautiful, magical scenery I've ever witnessed. As mentioned the other day, yes, it's hot as fuck, but I don't care, because every day, I get to look out the window and witness these views. 

I had a lovely time with my coworkers at breakfast yesterday. I had a lovely day with my beloved. It was his birthday, and even though we didn't do anything earth-shattering, we just spent the day doing whatever we wanted, and that was, and will always been enough for me. 

Today, we went on our first walk about the neighborhood, and it was wonderful. And now, I know I can go it alone, and not feel like all the desert wildlife will come for me, and we are in, I dare say, one of the safest neighborhoods in the city, so I can explore without discomfort or fear! 

I'm just happy to be in a place now where the external forces (people) don't get to set my mood. I do. 

Try it. It's lovely! 

<3