Since I became a conscious being, probably somewhere around the age of six or seven, there were a plethora of storms raging in my brain. There were no neurodivergent diagnoses back then. You were either "normal" or "retarded." I don't know how I managed to stay out of the latter category, but I did.
I'm 99% certain others picked up on it, though, given the amount of disdain, bullying, or just not being seen that I evoked in them.
They, however, are not my concern. I used to take everything so personally, and sometimes, I still do, but just down a few notches.
This is about letting go. This is about that well-written "Not Giving a Fuck." I am fairly all out of fucks. My field of fucks is barren.
I've done, said, and been more stupid things than I care to remember. The self humiliation game was flawless.
Come to find out, none of it matters anymore. The things that I did - as a child, as a relative, as a sibling, as an adolescent, as a mother, as a wife - as bad as they may have been, got me to this point.
I'm finally in a place (mentally, and geographically) where I can truly just be me.
There is still a lot of anger, confusion, and downright heartbreak that I have neatly tucked away, and mostly only regarding a few individuals, but those issues are currently beyond my control, and I refuse to let them color my mood or mindset.
And now that I am on the road to NOT eating my feels, here I am writing about them.
There's one thing I've learned, after spending some time listening to Abraham Hicks, that Law of Attraction woman ... (Disclaimer: I don't know how I feel about all of that, but she (they) made a lot of salient points that I hadn't heard anywhere else.)
That one thing is: "You get what you think about, whether you want it or not."
If you need proof, take me, for example. I never had a high opinion of myself. I felt ugly, I felt fat, I felt gross, I felt useless, I felt stupid, and I constantly reminded myself that THAT was how I felt. What did I get? All of the above.
I don't know exactly how long it took to silence those thoughts, but I have. (For the most part). I've moved into C'est La Vie Land. Que Sera Sera, etc. In simplest terms: Whatever.
There was something else I learned from LOA (Law of Attraction) discussions. It had to do with making plans, setting goals, turning ideas into realities, but then telling NO ONE. If you tell no one, then there won't be anyone there to shoot those things down. Make your plans, dream your dreams, and keep them to yourself until they happen.
I've been on that side of sharing my innermost innermosts, and then having all of it thrown in my face, twisted around, or completely naysayed. It's a painful place to be, and not a place I want to visit repeatedly. So, I learned to just keep a lid on most things. Self preservation, maybe? Regardless, it's been useful.
All this to say, I am happy to be in a place where my general mood and demeanor are controlled by ME, and not by the words or actions of anyone else. Haters will always hate. Someone, somewhere, will always have an opinion, or feel the need to educate you on how THEY think you should do something. Let them. Whatever.
On a less serious note, today is going to be an excellent day!
- Going to have a "company breakfast," with all my Tucsonan coworkers (some of theses):
- I am currently 98% caught up with all backlogged work, for the first time in probably over a year.
- I am doing fairly good, two full days in, with the keto.
- While it's going to be record-level high degrees today, I still get to look outside and see these:
- And, everyday I get to spend with my Beloved, and the babies (of the fur varietal) is an excellent day.
In totally useless knowledge, here are the latest stats:
1. Day 3 Weight: 197.4
2. In ketosis? Almost. The peetone strip says lowest level
3. Cravings? None.
I think easing into it is the most logical way to go. I think there's a lot of "muscle memory" left from the last times, so that helps a lot, but I like NOT having the urge to eat.
Okay, that's enough for today. Thanks for stopping by!
Like, subscribe, comment, share, do all the things ............ OR NOT :D Just do what makes YOU happy!! Everything else? Let. It. Go.
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