This morning's pre-sunrise sky to the East, betwixt the Catalinas and the Rincons,
as seen from the side yard. I have no idea what that orange-ish sphere is at the bottom of the screen.
No clue. Maybe there was dirt of the camera lens?
You shouldn't see anything there because that's just a block fence.
My power is dwindling. I say this because yesterday completely depleted my ability to feel joy. Nothing happened, it was just remembering a recent occurrence that we now have to look at every day - our back yard.
While it's vastly improved from whence we first moved in, I'm sad, but not afraid to admit that we totally got scammed, and what I TRULY wanted to be overjoyed with is now just a pain in my brain.
I should have known better. I DO know better, but I so wanted to support a local, non-corporate business person. I saw proof of their other work. I saw good reviews. I trusted them. I fucked around and found out.
Never again.
I guess the silver lining is now we know what we do NOT want, and will be better equipped to get what we actually want when we have it redone.
It's just a depressing, and disheartening situation that I would rather forget. And let this be a lesson - if you are paying someone to do something, and you see things that are wrong or not to your liking, SPEAK UP as SOON as possible. Don't be like me, hope for the best, and end up with a shit job and no recourse because you just wanted them gone and wanted it to be over with.
Learn from my mistakes, of which there are many. Stick around, pick one, and grab your takeaway lesson for the incredible price of FREE!
In other news, just kind of down, mostly about that, but otherwise, also just down. Don't know why. Just am.
Not losing weight. I probably know why. Just frustrated.
A woman cannot live on hard-boiled eggs and ham-and-pickle wraps. There's got to be a better way.
Oh, and I tried that 90-second keto bread. I will NOT be trying it again, unless I am desperate. I don't know if it was the almond flour or the whey protein powder, but it was grainy/gritty AF, and didn't make me feel altogether spiffy afterward, either. Might as well just eat store-bought keto bread.
The flavor was perfectly fine, but the mouth feel and structure SUCKED. I tried to make a BLT, sans the "L," and it failed miserably. I couldn't even pick it up as a sandwich. O well. You never know till you try, right?
I think I'll go back to the keto bagels of old (basically a fathead dough). They were a powerful source of food. I still have the recipe written on a piece of paper somewhere in the kitchen. I shall be digging it out. That and a small salad was often a lunch of my choosing.
Oh, and I thought I had eradicated all proof of my former keto journey, but look what I found in my old Blogger photo album - proof that I CAN do eet:
So, it essentially took a year to lose 50-ish pounds. I guess because the magic and mystery of time, it felt like it was much quicker. Gives me a little bit of hope.
I found this, too. Remember when I had hair? I miss it. I still had some eyebrows left, too. Now, I have to paint or stamp them on. 😂
The only problem in this whole current situation/existence that I have ANY sort of control over is me. I talk about my daughter having issues, and that she seems to carry them with her wherever she goes, only to realize DUH, where did she get that from? ME. Wherever you go, there YOU are.
While my mood has been exponentially lifted being here, I did not get the fresh start that I wanted to, because I (ME) did not make it happen. I let myself get busy with setting up house again, and forgot to take care of ME.
I am trying NOT to fall back into the old depressionary habits, the woe-is-me, this will never get better lines of thinking, but damn, it's tricky.
The haircut was a mistake. The mirror has not been my friend, maybe because this one is WAY bigger than the old one back in Ohellio. There's more of me to see, less that I can ignore. I'm just way too adept at beating myself down to where I sit prone and won't move forward because I think "What's the point?"
I know, I know, I know, it's not true. It's just my perception, but my perception currently is approximately 99.9% of my reality, so I have to work on the perception. I have to stop basing my amount of self worth on the actions and words of others. I have no problem telling anyone else that, but it's the doing and the believing it for myself that's fairly elusive.
Look at this girl. No matter how deep the shit was that she was going through even at that young age, she still found time to be happy. Guess where she was, though? Guess ... That's right - Arizona.
I wish someone had shared that with me decades ago. I wish I could have held on to that kind of joy.
But at least I am back in the place that causes that feeling (if not externally) deep inside my heart. I know, also deep in that heart, that we are in the right place now, but I've been too busy as of late allowing external things to bring me down.
I don't want that to be the case, so I have to make it not the case. I'm mostly talking to myself here today, so feel free to ignore. I'm talking myself back UP instead of letting the negatives have the power.
Things will get better. All the things will work out. It's just a matter of dedication, patience, and time.
Breaking NEWS: Went to take the recycling out, and saw a LEETLE TEENY BEBE LEEEEEZARD, no longer than the top section of my index finger, and I was then able to collect it and carry it with me on my shirt. At some point, it departed, but it was an excellent few moments of the day!
Happy Tuesday!
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