One Lost Soul Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl - Day Five

Not a lot to say about day five. Oh, wait, yeah ... That bird stuck in that tree became dislodged due to the level of wind gusts. It was very hollow. Poor thing. 

Happy to report, though, that they have removed the corn from the field across the road, so we can once again enjoy watching the deer (the ones that survive anyway) that live back in the woods. It's bow season, followed by loud-bangy-weapon season, so I shall hope they will make it. I don't think the neighbors allow hunting in their woods, so that's a bonus. 

Also, if your cats are out of control, turn on this: Woodpeckers: The Hole Story 

The cats will then do this: 

Without further ado ... 

Day Five Progress

Weight: 211.0

What I ate:

- Coffee with HWC and a few drops of liquid stevia

 

- The leftover Santa Fe Beef Bowl with some Chihuahua cheese and sour cream that I did not measure

- Salad 

    * Lettuce 

    * Queso Fresco cheese 14 grams

    * Homemade ranch dressing 

    * Meijer French Fried Onions - 9 grams

Clearly no food styling going on here ... No filters either; just non-magical kitchen lighting

- Spicy Dill Pickle almonds - 21 grams (A serving size is 28 grams) 

- The Afternoon Coffee

   * Just for gits and shiggles, I checked the macros: 

- Chicken Alfredo Papa Bowl

*What part of Alfredo WITHOUT pasta or pizza crust requires wheat? I don't get it. Also, I don't understand using sugar in Alfredo. Final review - it was something to eat. Will I ever get it again? No. As for Papa John's bowls, this was the one with the least carbs. You can see by the picture that I did not eat the entire thing. It was just yuck after a while. 

- I think I had a few Spicy Dill Pickle almonds after that, but just a few.  

- Pork rinds and chip dip  

85 Days to Goal 

No More Mrs. Doormat - Day Four

                           

Face Goals c. 2018

Day four came and went with much ado about nothing. I learned something about myself today. I have like zero tolerance for BS. Hence, the reason I shared that clip from Mel Robbins yesterday. The above expression pretty much sums it up. That's my "Really?" face. Take me, or leave me, but don't try to wipe your feet on me.

Work is phenomenal. Marriage is excellent, even after 26 years. I won't say perfect, because perfection is illusion in any subject matter area. It is what I want. He is who I love. End of ... 

It's just being completely over Ohio that sucks my soul dry some days. I just want to be where the sun shines on the majority of days, I can maintain a normal-ER body temperature in July (Yes, I know how hot it gets in Arizona.) That being said, I am pretty economical when it comes to utility usage, at least in the summer. Back to Ohio ... I want out. Sooner rather than later. At this point, I don't care where we go, as long as there is almost zero chance of humidity, a plethora of sun, and a very decided lack of cold, rainy, frigid, drizzly, foggy weather. 

I'm just over all shapes and sizes of BS. 

As for keto-ing, it's not a sprint. I wouldn't say it's a crawl, but I can tell you it's definitely not "I LOST 100 POUNDS in FIVE DAYS" either. It's a way of eating and being that I just find more sustainable than veganism, carnivorism, Weight Watchers, or any other lifestyle or diet plan. You just have to find what works for you, and then MAKE it work for you. 

Which brings me to what you'll see on my menu today. That Atkins Lemon Bar. That was me having to take a trip to the local Dollah Sto to get laundry stuff, and other assorted sundries ... That was me avoiding the salty snacks, and the candy bars. So, if it saved me from going backwards, THAT is all that matters. 

As the keto continues, I look forward to not having the overextended carb-adapted digestive system. I look forward to knowing when to stop eating, and I already am experiencing the complete lack of urge to nibble away at nothings all afternoon before eating a full-fledged dinner. That's the best part. I eat lunch, and then I really don't THINK of eating until I have to make dinner, or heat up a meal. I am definitely capable of eating more during lunch, as also evidenced by today, but then it sustains me for anywhere from six to eight hours, and that's cool by me. 

Now, all I need to do is get a desk chair that won't make me feel like downing a bottle of muscle relaxers just so I can move. My chair had a good run, but something's going to give, which means, I will take my leave now, and go internet shopping for a good chair. Enjoy the details, and thanks for stopping by! xo 

Day Four Progress

Weight: 212.4

What I ate: 

1 Popcorners chip

1 scrap of Muenster cheese, less than one gram

Factor Chicken & Mushroom Marsala with Garlic Mashed Cauliflower & Haricot Verts

Their perception

v

My reality

I have to say I was less than whelmed with zee Haricots Verts. It was like chewing on raw asparagus stems. I don't understand how they can provide such a large serving of those, but then turn around and give you three broccoli spears, or five leaves of spinach in other meals. As you can see, the color of the chicken Marsala was definitely off ... The sauce had turned a disturbing shade of purple-gray that is not appropriately displayed here. However, they do have some wonderful cauliflower mash!  PS: As I learned after I et it, this was NOT a keto meal, so today will be a bit more carby. C'est la vie. 

- The rest of the Butter chicken leftovers

Minus about three tablespoons of congealed fat that I scraped out of there before I reheated it - probably amounted to all of  two oz of chicken, and 1/4 cups or less of the sauce. No chaffles. I can attest that it is the chaffle that causes the extreme feeling of fullness. Didn't have that today. 

- Spicy Dill Pickle almonds (less than half a serving this time, because I checked!) 

- The Afternoon Coffee 

Refer to this post, if you want the gory details 

- One Atkins Lemon Bar 

Factor Santa Fe Beef Bowl (with sour cream added by me) 

I ate approximately half of everything. The rest, I shall have for lunchables tomorrow. They lied about that amount of cheese. THAT, I can tell you, and about the amount of Mexican cauli-rice. Clearly, their food stylists are delusional. 

Their artistic rendition 

v

My less-than-photogenic reality 

And a side salad with my homemade dump-ranch dressing. If you have a strong urge to view a side salad, you can always follow me on that Gram of Instas place ... Exciting - let me tell you! 

86 Days to Goal 

Dead Birds, Anniversaries, and Me - Day Three

So, yeah. Day three was okay. I was a bit more peckish than normal. I don't display stress in normal human ways, though, so I will chalk it up to stress/sadness eating, and always, the day after what I call "App Day" at work, I find it difficult to get things done, work-wise. Therefore, I was nibbling mid- to late afternoon, and then, for whatever reason, because I did not learn from the previous day's dinner, I made two more chaffles to go with my leftover Butter chicken. 

One thing to note about keto cooking - keto sauces do NOT reheat well when they are nearly 95% fat/dairy based. What was a very silky, smooth, glossy, luxurious sauce the night before became an oily mess when reheated. Eww. Lesson learned. 

Carrying on with the depressing theme, day three was also our 26th wedding anniversary, but you would never have known, if I did not tell you. I don't believe either one of us is yet in a headspace to be celebratory. He has achieved a cold from his trip to Seattle last week, leaving him stuffy, drainy, and not feeling great. He has other issues he deals with. Me, I deal with my grief entirely differently than he does, and pretty much go radio silence. 

Saturday, we will celebrate. Meanwhile, he brought me a lovely bouquet of blood-red gerbera daisies, and we spent some time last night looking at the hundreds of pictures of Dio that I could find on the computer. 

In other news, I learned that birds can, indeed, meet their demise half in/half out of a tree. What I thought was a bird standing on the side of the tree was, instead, a very dead bird lodged in the tree with half of it remaining outside, with one wing sort of halfway extended. I can't even get a good picture, but it's quite a sight once you know what it is ...  

There's not a whole lot more to talk about. There is this though. It applies: 

Day Three Progress

Weight: 211.6

What I Ate: 

Coffee with HWC and a few drops of liquid stevia 

I forgot to mention that I do use stevia, but it's minimal; just enough to take the bitter edge off - maybe three drops. I did start out with a large mug, like yesterday, but some days, if it's too strong, it makes me nauseous, so I just stopped at half, which probably amounts to a normal small cup size.

1 Popcorners chip

1 less-than-a-gram piece of Muenster cheese

Factor Keto Monterey Spinach Chicken

Factor's severely altered perception

v

My reality

Blue Diamond Spicy Dill Pickle almonds - guesstimated one serving. Let me go weigh it and see if I was right! One service = 28 grams. What did I have? 38 grams. So, apx 1.5 servings, then. That's what I had. 

The afternoon coffee (with a less than scoop of collagen, HWC, and some liquid stevia drops) 

Pork rinds and far too much chip dip

Leftover Butter chicken, and two more chaffles

Down the Water Hole - Day Two

Day one of keto was pretty smooth. There's a lot going on, emotionally, around here, since we lost our very best friend ever back on 10/20. I don't have words. Yesterday, the vet's office called to let us know that Dio's remains were back, so we could pick them up at our convenience. 

I haven't quite figured out how to be without him. 

So, today, Nettie and I took a field trip and went to collect our beloved boy. Nettie, not really knowing why we were going anywhere, was just happy to ride in the car, and whimper at all the assorted horses and cows along the way. 

Nettie, from a previous outing, but same face ensued

If you joined me yesterday, you'll recall that I created my plan for the next 12 weeks. (If not, click on "yesterday," and catch up.) Something just occurred to me, though ... If I'm going to stay below 20-30 net carbs per day, how will I know if I actually am? Well, that's where past experience comes into play, and will mostly relieve me of the need to partake in that tedious, soul-sucking thing called tracking. 

I just don't care what The Theys say, I'm not doing it. I did it before. It was not good. IF, down the road, I want to use keto as a major way to lose weight, THEN, maybe I'll track at least for a day or two, just to see where I'm at, but it's not going to be control my life. Nope. I know enough now to know what TO eat and what NOT to eat. 

I also know that my body has physically adapted to a burning fat rather than carbs, as a whole, because in less than 24 hours since the last carbage-filled foodstuffs, I already had ketones formed, or Peetones, as I call them, since I only measure that occasionally by using test strips. No, it's not 100% accurate, but also no, I am not going to buy a blood ketone meter. 

Why, you ask? Let me tell you. I bought a blood glucose meter back when I got the diabetes diagnosis, and I tested religiously, and nearly obsessively until I ran out of 100 test strips and lancets. I was everything from pre-diabetic to near death in the span of two days. Puh.Lease. Just no. 

You know how I can tell it's working, already, with only one day under my non-existent belt? I woke up at 4:15 am, before the coffeemaker, and proceeded to accomplish more in the three-plus hours before my beloved woke up than I had in the previous day. THEN, when he got up, I got up from the desk, did dishes, made his lunch, and then got ready and left to go pick up Dio's remains, left, drove to the vet's office, left there, drove back, and proceeded to do some more stuff til my daily meeting at 11:00 am. 

There's another way to tell when it starts working - you start flushing, purging, and otherwise ridding your body of the crap. As you'll see, I'm down three pounds since yesterday. Don't get excited. Once the body is done flushing out whatever lingered, it will slow down significantly. 

As you can see here, the first time I did keto, it took nearly a year to lose 50 pounds: 

This time, I don't care how long it takes, because weight loss is NOT the main focus. Staying away from doctors, hospitals, and pharmacies is the NUMBER ONE goal. Remember that old adage about watched pots never boiling? It applies. The more you obsess, the less you'll see results. If I can't live my life, do my work, and do what makes me happy while I'm doing this, then I'm not really living, am I? 

You'll see a magical metric ton of people on YouTube bragging about how they lost 10-15-20 pounds in the first few weeks of their own keto journeys. Go them. None of them probably made such loud pronouncements once it ceased. Or they spiraled down the water hole trying to find out why they "stalled." I know because I did the same exact thing. 

This time, all I'm bringing with me is the memory of how much better I felt, the less I weighed, and the less I consumed all-out junk. This time, I am in a different frame of mind, and this time, I know what works and what doesn't. We'll call that first round a trial run. 

Oh, and just for context, when I got that diagnosis, I was near 230 lbs. My waist was over 50" and my legs were constantly swollen, complete with canklage. That's the only reason I knew something wasn't right. Otherwise, I had no symptoms of the diabetes that I could tell. Most of the 15 pounds that I cut out before yesterday was due to eliminating the artificial sweeteners, the diet pop (more on that later), and eating mostly low carb. 

However, I know there's more work to be done, and more to improve upon, so here I am. While I will see elephants again, and again, I refuse to go back to this shape: 

I have things to do. I have places to go. People to meet. A life to live. I will not be shackled to any chair by my own skin suit. With that, here's how day two progressed. 

Day Two Progress

Weight: 212.6

Waist: 44.5

What I Ate: 

- Coffee - huge cup - with HWC 

- Less than one gram of Muenster cheese. I weighed it. It said 0. 

- One single Sour Cream and Onion Popcorners chip 

- Factor Peruvian Shrimp

Food Stylist Reality

v.

My Reality

- Southern Recipe Sea Salt and Cracked Black Pepper Pork Rinds 

- Chip Dip

- Coffee (Half and half blend of Meijer Mackinac Island Fudge, and Meijer Michigan Cherry) with a half scoop of Zint Collagen Peptides, and heavy cream

- Later, but before dinner, another half cup of same coffee, but no collagen

- Butter chicken and two chaffles ... (At some point, I'll write a recipe and share it)

Honestly, I should have stuck with one chaffle. I am now overly full, even an hour later. Lesson learned. Eyes always bigger than what stomach can handle when it comes to keto foods. 

If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read. Seriously! 

See you tomorrow! 

(Lack of) Control Freak - Day One

 

           Who you fightin'? 

If you visited yesterday, you will recall that today, Halloween '22, is the day I return to keto full-time. You will also recollect that I was going to make a plan, at least short term, for a successful endeavor. 

Here is that plan: 

The 12-Week Keto Trip

Goal 1: Return to keto lifestyle for at least 12 weeks (90 days) 

Goal 2: Lose 15 lbs

Goal 3: Get rid of Type II Diabetes diagnosis 

What does it take to accomplish goal #1? 

• Consume less than 20-30 grams of net carbs per day 
• Eliminate as much processed sugar as possible 
• Eliminate as much processed carbage as possible 
• Use fat as a lever, not a free-for-all 
• Moderate protein

What does it take to accomplish goal #2? 

• Stick with the keto eating religiously without becoming maniacal
• Get movement 
• Don't obsess - whatever amount I lose will be of great benefit

What does it take to accomplish goal #3? 

• Eliminate artificial sweeteners
• Eliminate the majority of the grains
• Lose weight 
• Schedule a doctor appointment for January 31, 2023 (<---eww) 

Actually goal #3 is the most important, but in order to accomplish that, first, I need to get through goal #1. I probably have them somewhere, but when I began keto back in 2017, my blood panels were obscene. I was pre-diabetic at that point, triglycerides were sky-high, and the doctor insisted I go on statins. I refused. Nope. By the time I had more bloodwork taken, at some point later on (which I cannot remember), I was non-diabetic, triglycerides were in a normal range, and there were no recommendations for any kind of medication. 

At that point, I had yet to learn about the negative effect of artificial sweeteners (especially those ending with "ose") were having on my being. At the time of significant improvement, I had been consuming all manner of all those things they say will cause the heart issues (bacon, meat, butter, olive oil, more bacon, cheese, etc.). What was missing? Grains, and sugar, to be succinct. 

The thing I realized THIS time I got a crappy diagnosis is that I wasn't consuming magical metric tons of sugar, but I WAS rather addicted to Crystal Light Peach Tea, and Torani sugar-free coffee syrups, both full of Splenda, sucralose, and multitude other chemicals. Granted, I had definitely gone off the deep end in terms of carbage, and was eating with the carefree abandon of an adolescent. Go me. I managed to google the effects of artificial sweeteners on diabetes, and there ARE studies that demonstrate that it can significantly contribute to the disease. So, yeah, imagine all those people that switch to sugar-free everything when they get the diagnosis, and wonder why they aren't getting better. 

I am not going to be one of those people. I refuse. I am also not taking medications, nor insulin. Nope.

Having said all that, what am I going to eat? 

Currently, and for about the next two weeks, we have a plethora of Factor meals to work through, most of which are keto. I'll be eating one of those daily for lunch, except weekends, and then I will make dinner - most likely a protein, and veggebles, assorted cheese, butter, and olive oil. I also have acquired a smaller waffle maker, so I can partake of some chaffles here and there. I make my own ranch dressing, and I have achieved lettuce, so salad is always an option. Plus, there's bacon. 

What am I going to DO? 

I don't know. I signed up for a year's worth of DDP Yoga, which is phenomenally easy on the joints, and doesn't make me feel like the proverbial round peg in a square hole. It just helps. First, though, I have to get my arse out of my desk chair, make it to the living room, turn on the TV, and do it. There's also a few random pieces of equipment that I may or may not have bought (well, I actually did buy them) but they remain unassembled, and unopened. So, eventually, as I get into a better frame of mind, I will be creating a place to do more exercises without having to drive 20+ miles in any given direction. 

For now, though, I know that it's NOT a requirement for keto to work. It will help with flexibility, but it will happen when it happens. Hence, I did not yet make that a goal. 

Where I am now ... 

Height: Still short (5'3.5-ish, maybe) 

Weight: 215.6 

What did I eat today? 

- Estimated: maybe 1/12 square piece of a slice of Muenster cheese. 

- Black coffee with heavy cream 

- Factor Keto Poblano meal, sans the jalapenos, which I carefully dissected and removed with a fork

- Coffee (Half and half blend of Meijer Mackinac Island Fudge, and Meijer Michigan Cherry) with a scoop of Zint Collagen Peptides, and heavy cream

- Factor Tomato, Bacon & Pesto Chicken Bake

- Blue Diamond Elote Almonds (Apx. 2 servings, one at each meal) 

-Water ... A LOT of water ... Probably at least 3 liters worth. It's a loaded water, though. Plain water makes me gag. I'll share more about my water habit later. It's worth explaining in more detail. 

And that, friends, is that. Day one, in the not-so-proverbial nutshell. 89 Days to goal. 

I Can Do EET

What better day to start something than Halloween? Whilst everyone else was pretending that it happened on Saturday, I was busy getting ready to start over for the 453rd time. Mentally, anyway. Today, I've spent a lot of time listening to an audio rendition of the 12 Week Year book ... 

I had never heard of this book until I watched a video on The Tube of Yous, where this person was giving her tips for how to implement the steps in this book, yada-yada-bla-bla-blahbity-blah. Anywhoooo, I gave it a listen, and I have to say it contains a lot more common-sensical, logical thoughts than I thought it would. I think the main gist is just decreasing the amount of time you have to plan, execute, and achieve whatever it is you want to focus on. In other words, get yourself together and don't drag it out for 12 months. Get schtuff done in 12 weeks. 

Why am I talking about this here? Because I am returning to keto tomorrow, and I want to be successful this time, and stick with it for probably the majority of the rest of my time here on this planet. After taking a couple years off to, you know, just do normal stupid human tricks, and then winding up with a preliminary diagnosis of that Type 2 Di-uh-beet-us BS, and then doing some also preliminary steps to get rid of that disease, I've learned a lot about myself. 

Some of the more prevalent discoveries: 

• Carbs are most definitely not my friend, especially all the carbage
• Sugar = high levels of depression, and artificial sweeteners don't help it either 
• I eat junk to curtail feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness, and pain, and also when I just say "Fuquitol" because I feel like there's no point in trying. 
• When I eat keto, I have no overwhelming urge to eat junk, or even snack on anything
• When I follow keto, my health improves
• When I follow keto, my mood improves
• When I eat carbs, I ache, and I HURT. Randomly, in various locations, or all over. 
• When I eat carbs, the mood tanks 

Something else rather profound that I have learned is that nobody is going to do this for me, or even with me. If I want to feel better, look better, and improve my health, it's all on me. Doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. 

Because I always start things in earnest on Mondays, I will create my plan of attack, and outline it here tomorrow. I just wanted to get my initial thoughts down on the digital screen. I kind of wish I had not deleted the first Gut Reaction blog. I was at a point where I was giving up, and thinking nothing really mattered, so I deleted all of it. 

I have a lot of ideas about where I want to go with all of this, but the main goal at the moment is to have a place that I can track my progress, and record the goings on of returning to keto. My focus has changed, and the obsession to lose weight is gone. 

Yes, I still weigh myself daily, but I also know that it's not the be-all-end-all, and it's not what defines whether I have a good day or not. I know very well that if I eat dinner at a Mexican restaurant there will be consequences, and I'm fine with dealing with those consequences because I know the results when I go BACK to eating what I know I should. 

I have no doubt that I will occasionally eat something that's not at all keto-legal. Life happens. I also know that I am done with talk, and the circle-running-around-in. I don't care if 1000 people know it, a million, or 2. I'm just done with the BS, and I'm ready to start taking care of me, and ready to make myself happy. 

I have put myself on hold for far too long. I watch people. I watch what they do. I listen to what they say. I see the difference between the ones who live life, and do what makes them happy and the ones who don't. I'm at a point in life where I want to be happy, no matter how old or not-modelesque I am. I no longer care. I just want to be healthy, and I don't want to spend my old-age years doing all the old-age BS like taking 500 pills a day, and spending all my time going to and listening to doctor, after doctor, after doctor. I just don't. That is not a well-rounded life, in my humble opinion. 

With that, I'm off to start planning tomorrow. I'm so ready. 

On Whatever This Is ...

 According to my OneDrive, on this day, some 16 years ago (?!!!!), we were in Florida ... WHERE in HADES have SIXTEEN years gone? Seriously? I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember it was the place where I got the absolutely most divine sausage and pepper sandwich from a roadside food truck that has never left my mind! It also marked the point where I fell in love with sausage and peppers, which I never ever wanted before then. Remarkable! 

Too bad I didn't take a picture of it! 

I took a picture of this, though: 

I think it was Miami. Long before we learned about Dexter :D 

While some things stay the same, the more they change, some things really do change ... My human suit being one. I've never had a "perfect" shell. Ever. Well, scratch that ... Maybe when I was five. Maybe. I was scrawny for a little while, in youth. That clearly didn't last. 

Let's define perfect, shall we? Not the dictionary varietal - but the one we all think we need to live up to. Yeah, that one mandated to us by society, and marketing agencies across the world. Yeah, no. 

My problem is I haven't really ever been able to envision myself in that type of body. I'm not tall. I'm most certainly not athletic. I don't have a long neck. I don't have a full head of thick, and luxurious hair. My eyebrows are absolutely not snatched, and even more absolutely out of control. I have a frown wrinkle right by my eyebrow, for lack of a better term, probably caused by a lot of unrealized squinting at computer screens ... I am pasty white - never met a tan that would stick to my alabastery skin, at least not since my early adult years. Tanning lotion turns me a bright, and shiny shade of orange. I have zero muscle tone to speak of (all self inflicted, of course, from lack of movement), and on, and on, and on ... 

I'm just a human, brought to you by a combination of sturdy Irish and English stock. The benefits of this form? 

1. I'm low to the ground, so falls will be less harmful

2. I would make an excellent hit woman, because I'm more invisible than visible to normal people. I blend

3. I'm value-priced, because there's no potion, lotion, cosmetic procedure, or form of makeup that will alter what I have. 

4. I'm adaptable because I can work with what I have for very little to no money. 

5. While I may not 1000% enjoy my human suit, I'm at least comfortable here. It's well cushioned. 

All that being said, what I am working on is health. I would like to assume that I've made significant improvements in the last two or so weeks, from a diabetic approach. I will count as a blessing the fact that only Friday, did the pharmacy finally notify me to let me know my glucose monitor is in. As someone who either didn't have any, or didn't notice the symptoms of that particular self-inflicted ailment, I just went on about my business, changed the majority of what I was eating, and feel somewhat better. 

I doubt that, pictorially, I look much different, though my Beloved says that my face is thinner every day. My legs are definitely thinner, and the swelling/edema in the right leg has diminished considerably. Overall, I'm down about 8 pounds since the worst point, and I've been in "pee-tosis" (Ketosis checked only with the pee strips) for more days than not. 

Not gonna lie. I have had sugar. Not daily, but there was a shareably-sized bag of M&Ms, and a Mocha Chocolate Kit-Kat consumed in the last week, along with half of a chicken quesadilla, and some crinkle fries the other night when we stopped at the local (read: only) bar and had dinner after picking up the car from the repair place. I ate half because probably midway through that half, and some of the fries, I could feel bloatiness ensuing, and I knew that if I kept eating, I would just feel like complete garbage by the time we got back home. 

Sometimes, you just have to eat some really not-good-for-you foods just to know that it's NOT right for you. Especially, if it's less-than-high-quality bar food. Sometimes, you have to go to Don Hall's Gas House, and get that decadent bread, and real butter, and a coffee-crusted ribeye. Someday soon, we'll do that. We haven't had dinner there since last spring, the night I left for Arizona. 

This week, I have learned that you absolutely should never attempt to make buffalo chicken dip with WHIPPED cream cheese. It was repulsive, and whipped cream cheese is apparently not suited for high-heat situations. Ew. I also made crispy oven-roasted Brussels sprouts for the first time, and were they ever good. Only complaint? I should have made more!  

That, and a NY strip with sauteed mushrooms (made by my Beloved) is a pretty fantastic dinner. 

I have also learned that I cannot watch negative things on the Tube of Boobs and NOT be negatively impacted, by way of the braincells. I started to watch Physical on Apple TV, and what ...? I could relate to every single solitary bit of inner dialogue the woman had going on, and though I loathe the fact that everything now is a "trigger," I can definitely see how that show would be a trigger to someone in throes of healing from anorexia, or bulimia. Not a good thing to watch, methinks. 

Anywhooo, my only other health concern at the moment is kidney stones. I can feel them. They don't let me forget they are there. It's frustrating feeling like you either have a knife shoved in your back left side right between your rib bones, or at the lower end, someone's knuckles nearly constantly jabbed in that same location. I'm making an appointment to get a scan to see what the damage actually is, and see if it can be alleviated. Enough is enough. 

I'm anxious to go pick up the glucose monitor and see what my number is. I'm curious to see how much it has dropped in the past two weeks. 

I'm also anxious to focus on eating better this week. 

There are a lot of excellent things in store for me, so I'm outta here to go make those things reality! 

Have a great week! 

In the Interest of Science or Boredom ...

 Just for giggles, maybe today, I'll track what I am eating. Maybe. If I remember to do so by the time I go back into the kitchen. We'll see ... 

I still have my Fitday, and My Fitness Pal accounts, so it's easy enough. If I had to choose between the two, I'd go with Fitday, but use MFP as a backup/recipe-breakdown place. That way it stays free, and it is kind of entertaining to go back sometimes, and look at what I ate "in a day" back "in the day." 

And by track, I don't mean worry about counting carbs, or modifying anything. Just plain tracking. It's tedious, and already has a built-in mechanism for control because do you really want to try to weigh and measure every single morsel of every bit of food or caloric beverage you consume? 

No luck in obtaining a glucose monitor this weekend, which means A. I either call the doctor and ask when they're sending the prescription to the pharmacy, or B. I just don't track it. 

The whole thing about having this diagnosis of Type II is that I didn't even know I had it. Whatever I did experience, I chalked up to getting older, the sedentariness of my being, and most definitely to the foods I chose to eat. I wouldn't say I was A-symptomatic, but I was definitely symptom ignorant. 

I did get some pee-tone strips, though, and according to those, I am definitely expelling some ketones since I started aiming for keto again. That's a bonus. 

I have discovered that walking mostly the circumference of Meijer, and then a few bits of a chicken jerky stick did upsetteth the kidney stone thing. However, I popped a few of these: 

And all was well again. These things really are miraculous. I started using them back in 2018, and let me tell you, I don't know what they do, but they DO take away the pain. Highly recommend them if you, too, have stones in your kidneys! (Disclaimer: That is an Amazon Affiliate link. I might make a penny if you choose to purchase some from this link. Thank you!) 

I can also tell you that, since Thursday's wake-up call, I'm gradually recharging my energy stores, and not feeling as blob-esque as I was. I'm just starting to feel different. I WANT to do things. I WANT to move around. I'm not in a constant state of ennui. 

We actually got to sit out on the deck yesterday, and enjoy the new barrage of winged thingies, formerly known as birds, that are now visiting us, due to the all-they-can-eat buffet we've arranged for them along the Wall of Trees that grace our backyard. Zero clouds in the sky, a lovely hue of blue, and all the sounds of everything waking up is a glorious feeling! 

Next up, I'm going to learn how to use that camera I bought last year, but have yet to fully open. THEN, I will be able to take some real pictures. 

So, Monday, Monday, La, La, La-la-la-la ... I have a lot to do today, work and otherwise. No time like the present. Have yourselfs a wonderful week! 

Brand New Day - Take 592

 So, it's been a while. I think I meant to post something last October, and THAT never happened. Meanwhile, life has been pretty fantastic in most every regard ... and I refuse to feel guilty for saying that. I have no control over what goes on in anyone else's world, nor do I want to, and likewise, I am not going to stop living a great life because ... You know, life does go on. The world does not stop and start at anyone's convenience, including mine. 

Care of QuickMeme

That all being said, several years back (Five, now ... where DID the time go?) I started a meanderment called keto because, at that time, I was in the throes of a rather nasty round of IBD, and when the gastro doctor said try a FODMAP diet, I started looking at that, and looking at keto, and thought, "Well, hell, I might as well do keto." Too long story short, over the course of the next two years, I dropped a bit over 50 pounds, and felt really, really good. The medical issues subsided, other longstanding issues cleared up, and I actually felt like I looked decent, which was a drastic change from my normal state of mind. 

Fast-forward nearly three years, and I'm back and beyond square one. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get rid of ALL of my "fat" clothes, so at least I still have some stuff to wear!  

This was me on New Year's Eve ... 

Whilst this was me in late fall of 2018

Needless to say, I don't fit in these clothes anymore 😊

My love for smart-ass long-sleeved T-shirts, however, has not changed. I just bought some that fit my current state of being. 

This post, however, is not a pity party. This is a before ... and where I am going again, and even better. I miss her, smiling in the sunlight in Sedona. I miss her energy, and her drive. I AM her. I just lost sight of that for a moment. There are not two mes. There is one me that comes in different shapes and sizes, depending on the time. 

So, here, a bit after the Ides of March, in the ides of my 53rd annual trip around the universe, I have recently discovered that my choices over the past couple of years, when it comes to food and beverage, were not me making my best decisions ever. I write to you now with an A1C of 7.4%, a random, and somewhat brutal battle with a particularly ornery kidney stone or several, and orders from my doctor to get my proverbial schtuff together in the next three months, or he will, post-haste, put me on meds. 

To which I heartily reply, internally ... 

This is also not a "I'm starting on Monday ..." I already started. Friday, I started. The carbs have been lowered, and I'm on my way to not feeling like a random, chair-prone blob. I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but mostly it's keto, because that's where I know the most about cutting back on the carbs, and it's the thing that brought me back to the living the last time. 

I'm not here to argue for my limitations. I'm not here to argue about whether keto is right or wrong for anyone else. I'm here to share what happens. What really happens. How a person really feels. I cannot promise that I will track my every single morsel of foods because that, scientifically proven, is not who I am. It's a tedious task, and it makes you focus far TOO much on the things you're not having, and makes you somewhat obnoxious when that's all you talk about. (Ask me how I know ... ) 

We're about to see whether, in three months from now, I can bring my A1C down to at least a pre-diabetic range (6.4% or lower), and eliminate some of the many symptoms I've been experiencing (ALL SELF-INFLICTED, mind you) by NOT repeating my crappy choices. 

Spring has almost sprung here in Ohio, which means more out-of-doors time, more movement time, and a better mental outlook. 

Other than that, life is really, really excellent. I let go of my transcription business back in November to join a new company, full time. I absolutely love my job. I love the people I work with. It is the job I have dreamed of for the past probably 30+ years, and I look forward to seeing where it takes me!  I love our life. I love what we have accomplished over the years. I love knowing that it's just going to keep getting better. 

See you next time (which will be sooner than another year ... ) 

Swimming in a Sea ...

 

You don't notice the effect things have on you, until you take about 5,324 steps back for a hot minute, and breathe. You get what you think about ... over and over and over, ad nauseum. What you put in, inadvertently, is what you put out, and all the other witticisms, and wisdom, blah-blah-blahbity-blah ... 

All I can say is that I spent decades swimming in that sea of negativity, hopping from one place to the next, feeling like I just HAD to let my opinions be known to the world at large, via the internets. I was angry. I was furious. I needed vindication, lather, rinse, repeat. 

Turns out, the only person I really had a problem with was staring back at me in the mirror. 

I actually do know when this change started to take place in me, but I refuse to talk details, because I will no longer give energy to the events and choices I made that pulled me down. 

All I can say is that once that one little speck of light sneaks in through a window shade, once your mind encounters words, or sounds, or even a thought that turns you in a different direction, and you grab ahold for dear life, all the while starting to file through those chains that bind you, it's a pretty amazing thing.  

I will always be grateful to an artist, Margot Lovinger, who created this: 

via Pinterest

She took the time to share words with me that had helped her in her own life, and they're words I've never forgotten (even if I couldn't put them into play for many years after that): 

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Source for this particular version 

I'll most likely never stop quoting it because, out of all the quotes I've ever discovered, read, or shared, this is the one that has never left my mind. 

I wrote all of the above back in January. Sometimes, I write stuff that I need to really listen to later. This year has been everything it was supposed to be, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I'm grateful for every bit of it, and ready to experience everything to come. 

As my memory (and lack thereof) proves, we really do only have today, right here, and right now, because every second ahead and behind no longer exists. I don't want to waste a second of it worrying about the things that are beyond my control. All I can say is read that quote up there over, and over again, and whatever there is that you are wanting to do, do it now. 

That law of attraction thing, it's not just hogwash. It is real. I am living proof. Took me decades to figure it out, but it's definitely true, no matter what you believe. Therefore, why not take charge of what you see, what you hear, what you read, and what you feel ... Commit to what you want out of this life, and leave the rest to work its own self out. 

 

 

Taking Out the Trash

 At what point do you get so sick of yourself that you just give it up? At what point have you put far too much on your proverbial plate? At what point are there no more towels to throw in, no more ghosts to give up, no more nothing. The tank is empty. The brain is drained. Is this what the bottom of the barrel is? I don't think so. I've been lower. I've been ready to take my final exit stage nowhere. This is not that. 

I have so much to be proud of. I have worked my not proverbial, but literal ass off to get to this point, and this isn't anywhere remotely close to the top. It is, however, a far sight farther away from the bottom than I've ever been. 

I am just. so. tired. of. wavering. Back and forth, up and down, in and out, over, under, around, through the middle, above, and below. I'm beyond tired of it. I know what it is. I've let far too much of the outside world in again, and it has sanded away at my soul. I can safely say that I know from experience that what you put in is most definitely, without a doubt, what you get out. 

This depression is a beast. Thing is, it's all self-inflicted. I chose this. I chose to consume the things that makes me go down this particular non-man-suit-wearing rabbit hole. The sugar. The bread. The carbs. The ungodly, migraine-inducing junk. That was me. I ate it. I didn't stop to think about it BEFORE I did it. I'm just complaining about it now. I know all too well what it does to my psyche, and yet I still did it. 

I've done a metric ton too much of fuquitoling in the past year, and a mega-metric ton more of wavering, as well. There's this tremendous imbalance betwixt who I know I can be, and what I choose, and what I do. I'm never going to be a juggling artist. Never going to be a stilt-walker. Those things are for definite because I can't even balance my own self, here on the ground, planted firmly on my backside. 

I am just so sick of my inability to get past my own BS. I really am. It's not something I ever talk about because who really wants to hear it? I just don't want to be this version of me anymore. I don't want to become what I've watched family before me become. I don't want to fall into the trap of being "older," and just giving up. 

I want to be happy. I want to do things. I want to go places. I want to accomplish things. I want to see things. I want to hear things. I want to feel things. 

I'm tired of feeling nothing much at all. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of making the choices that make me tired. 

I'm not trying to be like anybody else. I'm not trying to keep up with any sort of Joneses, or anyone else with a bucketload of cash. I am also not defending my desire for more of what I want versus less of what I don't want. 

This is probably about where I was in '17 before I discovered I could do the keto thing. I didn't go into it THEN with the mindset of diet-diet-diet-DIET ... I went in with the mindset that I no longer wanted to be sick from what I was eating. I did NOT want to become one of the 99.9999.95 million that lives on insulin, and 537,823 other drugs just to have a half-ass kind of life of nothingness. This is also not an affront to anyone who is living with Type 2 diabetes. This is ME knowing that I do not want THAT for the rest of my life. 

I'm so sick of me, at this point, that any sort of change will do me good. I'm sick of what I've let happen to myself, or made happen to myself. I'm sick of not getting the things done every single day, and then staring at the lack of results as I move about my normal day-to-day BS. 

I'm upset, and at no one or nothing other than me. So, this is garbage day, and this is where I start to get myself in order. I have two weeks until the new semester starts. That's ample time to build another foundation, and frame things. 

Off I go. 

Because I just filled the screen with so much detritus, here's a lovely shot of the sun setting in Chandler AZ, back in June to somewhat make up for it. 

I Think I Can ...

 At first, I wanted to say something about a rewrite, but that's not possible. What's past has passed. What's done is over. There is no going back. What you see in the here and now, right in front of you, it's already history. See that snow outside, that happened last week. Old news. Every post on social media. Also old news. Even if I decide to share this post, it will be history. I am not a product of my past. I'm not a product of my environment. I am not a product of your imagination. I am the product of what I choose from one second to the next. 

Even if I look out the window, and see a cloud formed over the woods that looks like an outstretched hand, I can't grab my camera and get to the door fast enough to take a picture to prove it. ALL I can do is appreciate what I saw, and maybe know that it was just a sign for me. Could have meant, "Whatever ..." could have meant, "Grab my hand ..." Could have meant, "Look at this ..." Could have meant a million things, or it could have just distracted me long enough so I didn't focus on some negative that doesn't need to be spoken. 

See, I got distracted again. The moment's gone. I did just hear a quote from Tim Ferriss: "You can't outwork your mouth." WHAT? It was in relation to weight loss, but it applies to EV-UH-REE-THING!  You can have all the opportunities in the world, but if your mouth is running in a negative direction, all those opportunities are going to pass you by. How do I know? I've done it to myself over, and over, and over again, which brings me to another thought - quitting is not necessarily a negative. 

There are hundreds of thousands (that MAY be an exaggeration), okay, hundreds (that sounds more reasonable) of things that the quitting of will cause vast improvements in your being. Quitting sugar will lower your blood sugar, your scale results, and even improve your mental mood/energy. Quitting watching the news will elevate your mood, and lower your blood pressure simultaneously. Quitting constant negative input, be it from your own brain, or from the world, at large, via the internets will open you up to things you never imagined possible.  

Something I've learned over the past year or so is that when I quit focusing on what IS, or what HAS BEEN, I experienced a lot of things falling into place that never did before because I was too busy getting in my own way. What you focus on is what you get, without fail. When I focused on the negatives, re. money, weight, love, family, etc. I just got more of that which I was focusing on, which wasn't much by way of positive outcomes. 

Not everything has fallen into place, and some things have even gone backwards, like my weight, but I am no longer worrying about it. I have moved the scale out of my line of sight. Maybe once a week, I look but other than that, I've developed a more finessed Fuquitol attitude. It will happen when I'm ready to let it happen, and until then, there are better things to think about, like this: 

Credits

I can't even tell you how many years I disallowed myself from daydreaming, from trying to write any story other than reality. I am not doing that anymore. I'm finding the things that serve me, that make me happy, bring me joy, or at the very least distract me from the things that bring me negative outcomes. I'm not here to rehash my past, unless it's about some memory of some beautiful, excellent, or otherwise happy event. 

We get exactly what we think about, whether we want it or not. I have proven this to myself too many times to count. There's another witty quote out there, author currently known, that goes something like, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." I'm done thinking about all the things that I can't do ...