A Picture (or Lack Thereof) Paints a Thousand Words - Day 69

It's good to know, seriously, that my life, after childhood, meant nothing to my family. Not one phone call; not one text; no one asked me for any pictures of me after grade school. The last 44 years of my life? Nothing. Maybe I'm being a self-centered asshole, but if I ever needed more proof (as if I didn't already know) that they wish they could forget that I was even there, I got it today. 

Standing there looking at the boards of pictures of my dad's life, and all his family, I was there ... A former me, anyway. The child version of me. After that, there are countless pictures of my children, the ones I gave birth to, and kept, despite their constant reminders that I would never be capable of being a proper parent. Even the "family" picture that they went and got with MY kids, without telling me ... The family THEY wanted to publicly portray - with just them, and my kids - that was there for all the onlookers to see. 

But pictures of me as a mother, with MY family, as an adult? None to be seen. 

No matter what I do, no matter how much I accomplish, no matter how different I am now to the child I was then, I will never be seen as anything but the failed project. No matter how much bullshit they pull, I still show up when asked for help, only to then be treated like hired help and slipped some cash. What. The. Capital. Fuck? 

I love these people individually, but as a collective, it's a clusterfuck of miscommunication, ignorance, assumptions, manipulation, head games, and other bullshit that is just beyond my comprehension or ability to keep thinking about. 

No matter how irrelevant they believe me to be, I am not. I have worth. I have value. I have a beautiful mind. I have a loyal heart. If that's not good enough for them, so be it. 

This was why there was a Tower card in my reading this morning ... 

Source

All my delusions came tumbling down. There was a major upheaval in my mindset. I've been spending my energy on a fool's errand - trying to get them to see ME. 

Fuck it. 

I don't feel the urge to talk about the 12-week-year goals right now. Today was a wash. Tomorrow might be one, as well. I just don't know right now. Ironically, yesterday, I heard this person talk about getting pissed, and using that pissed-ness to fuel your motion forward. You can't just sit there, spinning your wheels, and do nothing with that energy. You have to use it. 

I have enough pissed-ness to move me forward for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future. 

Off I go.