What a surreal day. There it was - the day of the burial. Just the immediate family, which was still several people (aunts, uncles, cousins, and their children - grown, etc.)
As if to be a sign from the beyond, the sun started peeking out when we were driving to the funeral home. I said, "It'd be splendid if the sun stayed out, at least until we get done at the cemetery." We got to the funeral home, and the sun was out in full force, and there were generous glimpses of blue sky.
I can't go to a funeral home now without thinking of Six Feet Under, and usually this scene:
At least it was just immediate family, and therefore, this urge was only fleeting. Dad had everything he needed. He was dressed, and had his bible and his brand-new cane (which, if I believed what they believe) he wouldn't need, and shoes ... Who needs shoes when you're not walking again in this world?
Last Thursday, there were still remnants of the long life left in his hand as I held it. In those moments closest to the departure, you watch to make 10,000% certain that they are actually gone. I could still feel the warmth. Yesterday, it was all gone. He really did just look like he was just napping. That's a good thing.
My parents' burial plot is off to the right, and north of this (in right directions, it'd be southeast of this one). Remind me to tell you about this one sometime. The myths are legend)
And, as any good small-town Midwestern Ohio family will do, we went to Pizza Hut after the cemetery ceremonies for lunch. I have no response. It was just good to see family we hadn't seen in years, and also spend time with my favorite (read: only) Aunt Marilyn, and Uncle Denny.
In other news, I don't know if it's how I'm processing the week's events, or what, but my innards are NOT cooperating. There is much nausea, stomach cramping, and general gnashing of guts ... It was so bad last night, that I was considering whether I needed to go to the ER. Instead, I went to bed and just got some rest.
I can feel it lingering today, but I won't eat for a while, so I won't be introducing any kind of food to upset the proverbial apple cart. I've also discovered that actual sugar is astronomically worse for my blood glucose than breads, pizzas, or starchy vegetable carbs. After yesterday's lunch, combined with the PB-Pretzel nuggets, and the few bits of sweet potato noodles I had for dinner, my blood glucose measured in at 142.
I don't have any answers for why I'm not taking all of this like a normal human. I'm just really at peace with his exit. The people on the outside looking in only had one view of him. We had the public-facing, and some of the private-facing view of him. He played most of his cards RIGHT up against his vest. All I can say is that I bet he is exponentially happier now than he was demonstrating the last few times we saw him.
The sadness comes in when thinking about what will become of my mom. I can't accurately gauge it at the moment. Ironically, about two days ago, her phone broke, and she hasn't gotten a replacement yet, so she's probably had a lot more time to process, and think about everything. No way to really get a read on anything until after the memorial service ends Saturday, and "normal" life resumes. Remains to be seen, I suppose.
No matter what, we'll figure it out.
Hope you're having an excellent new year.
Day 66 (or whatever day it is) Progress
Weight: 206.4
What I et:
- Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet (what the hell happened to their salad bar?)
I had salad, and a significant amount of micro slices of pizza in varying flavors, and one of those apple dessert thingy strips ... and water, with no lemon, because apparently lemon is not allowed in Pizza Huts?
- Peanut-butter Pretzel Nuggets
- Diet Dr. Pepper
- A few bites of a Factor meal which will never be ordered again (Thai Almond Chicken)
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