There's just not a lot to say. The night before, after a day of eating shittily, I felt like complete and utter hell, went to bed, and got actual sleep. That was good. I was up at 4:30, got a lot done by way of work; got not a lot done by way of house stuff. I did accomplish humaning, and dish-washing, so that's a bonus, I suppose.
All I wanted to do was sleep, all day. Guess this is how I cope. It's about NOT allowing myself to feel all the grief feels - it's just not feeling anything. I keep waiting on tears that I don't think are going to show up. I think I cried them all in the past, and there aren't many left. You can only cry, kicking, and screaming, into the good night so many times before you give up. In my family, emotion is something to be frowned upon, silenced, and hidden. Guess that training worked. Took some 40-odd years to get there, but when I did, game on.
Tomorrow is not by any means about me. It's about him, and people celebrating his life. They don't have the view from this side, and I don't have the view from that side. I loved him, I looked up to him, and I wanted so badly for him to love me and see the good in me. Only the first half of that statement came true.
There haven't been any dreams, or any blatant signs (outside a woodpecker on the deck) from the universe. There have been a few comical moments that I have yet to divulge, but otherwise, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any do-overs. No rewind. It just is what it was. Crickets.
I don't know what's to come. I only know right now, and even that's questionable. Like Donnie Darko lying in bed waiting on that jet engine ...
I busted out my tarot deck just to see if I still had the same urge to read the cards. It requires a lot of shutting up and reflecting. I got through a Keltic Cross reading, and maybe a third of the way through a Category spread, from a book called Tarot Made Easy. I lost focus/interest. As I write this, the next day, I did a three-card spread (past, present, future) ... Nothing surprising. Mostly a no-shit kind of reading.
I think, honestly, that it's just not "in the cards" for me to take back up the practice. Like most things, I have a cursory/moderate knowledge, but not the drive to know more. If you're always looking to something else to tell you what's up, you are NOT in touch with how YOU feel, and you end up holding yourself back because of what someone or something else says. I don't really dig that.
Self discovery - I lack the fortitude, drive, and commitment to take part in anything remotely religious, or metaphysical. I take bits and pieces from all the things I've learned and experienced over the years, and the rest falls away. We have to make our own path. Be open to possibilities. Explore. Learn. Think. Be willing to let go of the things that don't work.
With that, have a great day!
Day 67 (or whatever day it is) Progress
Weight: 206
Blood Glucose: 104
What I et:
- The Morning Coffee
- Factor meal - Almond-crusted Salmon with red-pepper sauce and green beans with feta dressing
- Elote almonds - because I'm in that mood
- Diet Dr. Pepper
- The Afternoon Coffee
- Factor meal - Chicken with Parmesan (not Chicken Parm) and tomatoes, and broccoli
- More almonds
- More Diet Dr. Pepper
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