Feeling all up, down and around today. Moments of clarity. Hours of lead-vest-level depression. Back to being productive. Tried to take a nap, and the 5,000-pound Bean
kept jumping on me every time I started to drift off, so I gave up after about 15 minutes, I think.
We're a bit over a day from my dad's burial. I don't know how I feel. I won't know how I feel until we get there. I hope the weather holds up, and doesn't produce lots of rain, sleet, or heavy winds, at least.
I did some preliminary work on goals for the entire year. Not resolutions, but categorical lists of things I will accomplish this year.
My beloved tested out the new rowing machine today - the one I got back in late fall, that we didn't put together until yesterday. I did some stretches with him. That's as much movement as I got. I'm going to watch some YouTubage in order to see if I can figure out correct form, and workout plans for this thing. I always enjoyed using it when we went to the gym. It's much less impact - well, probably not, but it seems to be a more efficient use of muscle groups and cardio than just walking on the gerbil mill.
Once this week is done, I can focus on plans, goals, and doing new things. This week, not so much.
On grief, I believe that each person has their own way of doing it. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is how I deal. I told my Beloved today that I don't want to talk about it. There's only so much you can say before you loop back around, and it's just an endless repeat, like how a record would skip when it reached the end if your plastic record player did not have that arm that would raise up and return to the start.
If repeating the same information over and over helps people cope and deal, that's fine. It's wasted on me. I'd rather keep moving, finding something else to keep my mind occupied. No amount of talking will change what happened or bring him back. I honestly believe that he truly IS in a better place - a place with no more pain, a place where he can see the MUCH bigger picture, and a place that will give him the happiness he lost years ago.
That's enough of that talk ... The details are irrelevant.
It's just in the realm of surreal.
Day 64 Progress
Weight: 207.4
Blood Glucose: 115 mg/dL
What I et:
- The morning coffees 1.5 of them
- A sliver of leftover baked ham from NYE, and a piece o' string cheese
- Pan-seared chicken with compound butter and ONE fingerling potato HALF with crispy sage, and onions (My husband is five-star level. He really is!)
- Some pork rinds, and chip dip, duh ...
- The Afternoon Coffee
- This:
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