To say that ... To say anything right now feels foreign. Let's just start from the missed day. I think it was Thursday. My dad died. Literally. End. Of.
All the wittitudes, and words of wisdom, and solace apply, but nothing makes it better. Nothing makes it worse, but nothing changes the fact that he is no longer with us. And while it's only been a few days, it seems like months between time of departure, time of burial, and time of memorializing. While it was final the moment he stopped, we cannot get any sense of finality until the upcoming week is over.
I can't focus my thoughts, which is why I haven't written anything. I can't even begin to work on work stuff, even though I have to get work done. I'll figure that out in the morning.
The important lesson (of a personal nature) for me is this:
When you think about doing something, you might as well do it right then because there is absolutely zero guarantee that your best-laid plans will come to fruition when you planned on them so doing.
Nothing about this last weekend, and last day of '22 and first day of '23 has gone according to what I pictured last week.
I really don't want to get into details or discuss him here because here is not the place. My thoughts, and feels about him are mine alone. I only share those offline.
What I can say is that I feel abnormal. There have been no real tears to speak of. I don't know how to do this - this grief thing. I don't know if what I feel is normal, given the circumstances of our relationship, or if I'm a particularly cold person.
I said what I had to say to him at the hospital in the viewing room (or whatever the fuck that was - that was a new experience, too. Just his shell still on the gurney, still intubated, covered in thin hospital blankets, in a separate attached room from the family room) Held his hand one last time. Stroked his cheek, and forehead, and then left.
That is the most difficult part of death for me, leaving. It was gut-wrenching when we left the vet's office without Dio. It was kind of internally terrifying when we left the emergency room Thursday night, watching all of us just file out and down the hall to the entrance.
What. The. Fuck?
I mean seriously.
All I want to do is go to bed.
Instead, guess who went on a complete and utter bender with all the reckless abandon she could muster?
Guess who went from a non-diabetic blood sugar reading all the way up into serious territory before bringing it back under more control today?
Guess who did not give one fuck?
I can't even force myself to pretend like I care about planning for the new year, because it's already here, and this whole first week will be like a blur.
This week, I'll be pretending like I know how to get through this, and pretending like I'm strong, capable, and busy, and when all the formalities are over, THEN, maybe I will take some time to figure out how I truly feel about everything.
Right now, as for the whole 12-week-year thing, it's still going. Not giving up now. Less than 30 days to go, and I will make it, barring any more unforeseen circumstances.
I was back on track as of this morning. Fasted until noon.
Wait till you see THIS DAMAGE ... (just for the sake of a bit of normalcy) We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Day 63 Progress
Weight: 208.4
Fasting: 17 hours
What I et:
- The morning coffee
- A Diet Dr. Pepper
- Factor meal - Louisiana shrimp with cauliflower grits, and broccoli
- Pork rinds and chip dip
- The Afternoon Coffee
- Another Diet Dr. Pepper
- Factor meal - Green Chile Chicken with Spanish cauli-rice (I didn't eat it, the rice. It was not good)
- More pork rinds; more chip dip
Just for measurement's (and shock value's) sake, here were my blood glucose readings from last night, and this morning.
I felt like hell after last night's dinner - physically - so I wanted to see how that displayed in my blood.
Last night: 237 mg/dL
First thing this morning, before coffee: 168 mg/dL
Later this morning, (four hours) after coffee, and some Diet Dr. Pepper, but before lunch: 138 mg/dL
Right before lunch: 113 mg/dL
Good job, me.
Happy New Year!
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