Let's just get the pictures out of the way right up front, and then, if you're bored, you can read the words (of which there will be MANY, so bring snacks) far down below.
Firstly, of course, Odin. Because he keeps growing, here is this week's best shot:
This was pretty much my staple lunch this week. Keto tuna salad, hard boiled egg, and cheese stick. So basic bitch, yet more filling than it would appear. It worked.
The well-lit wispies. I suck at taking selfies. Not a lot to work with, so angles really don't matter.
The bouncy thing, in the midst of being constructed
One of the best stretching "workout" DVDs ever
Exactly. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. It matters what I think of me.
Because spring is needed. Sick of this gloomy, rainy, sulky weather
I keep saying that everyone should own their shit. Just be who you are and own it. I'm not hiding anymore behind any facade, especially my own. I need a lot of work. I'm having a really down day today. I don't know why. Maybe the whole Clusterfuck d'Hertz started it yesterday, which evoked feelings that I formerly would have eaten into silence. I didn't eat them away, I had to sit with them, and it was ugly. I was reminded how ugly I am when I am pissed off. All I want to do is forget the worst parts of the Arizona experience, and yet the Universe, and my own negativity keeps it looping around. I wrote a very Karen kind of email, complete with receipts and screenshots, and let it run at a medium boil through my brain for most of the day. I won't recount the whole sordid mess here. Just suffice to say I will never ever ever again give them my business.
I've also had digestive issues this week, mostly probably related to stress. I get this horrendous stomachache, constipation, and general feeling of malaise. The cure is usually to down several servings of Pepto Abysmal Ultra, digestive enzymes, and just wait it out. It's still here, just rumbling at a much duller roar than earlier in the week.
There are many things that I can't/won't discuss in public, but I am processing some shit that has weighed heavily on the braincell in the past week or so. So much so that I lost sight of the fact that I felt pretty fucking good about myself by the time I exited Phoenix. I wrote this on the plane ride home:
Then, I promptly forgot about it. That's the thing with note-taking apps. They're easy to forget, just like sticky notes.
I didn't have coffee for at least a day or so when I was back. I even got a separate tiny coffeemaker to make tea for mornings. However, then the digestive upset began, and ironically, coffee made it feel better. I am NOT using heavy cream anymore. Half and half is the main additive. Oh, and I may have forgotten to mention this exciting tidbit, but I actually LOST weight on my trip. LOST it. As in, gone. And then, in the first week back home, I lost more, so I am, as of today, down to 197.6.
I have CLEARED the 200s!
Back to the list ... some things just aren't in the cards right now. Ugly truth - I am a smoker. I don't do (OTHER) drugs, imbibe, or drink, but yes, I smoke. Maybe that will be the next thing I let go of? Never know, but for now, it's who I am.
All gross news out of the way, back to the list again ...
The regular exercise thing has not happened. My dumb ass signed up for a Wall Pilates program, but realized I don't have a WALL on which to perform these functions. Seriously. All walls are in use right now. So, I need to do some finagling of the office arrangements to clear a space. This app also has Tai Chi videos, which totally intrigued me, so it's a win/win. Also, the bouncy thingie, as seen above, awaits me. I've been researching bouncy videos to find the least annoying instructor/music combo. This is proving to be a challenge. I'll get to it. This week even. I need movement.
As for journaling, I was trying this somewhat talked about method of morning journaling where you do this before touching anything else. I did it for 38 days. I'd say it was a fail. Which is why you, my lovelies, may be getting graced with more words than you expected, and more often than you anticipated. 38 days, my brain raced. As in, I could not put those thoughts into the Word doc, because I would pause to think about what to say, and off my brain went. All over the damned place. That is NOT a productive use of my time.
I don't know if I feel I need attention in order to stay focused, or just the act of focusing on a blog post that isn't just for me means it's easier to say things here? I don't know. All I know is that brain dump, solitary writing is not for me.
On that list was also start and end work at set times. I haven't been perfect at this, but I've started to incorporate it, especially on the weekends. I realized during my trip that shit did not fall apart in my absence, and having taken the time to organize my work world before trip proved to be very helpful. I look at this page probably hundreds of times per day:
Cover art and checklist icon by me :)
All in all, I think maybe in a month, I will be fully able to stop working like a normal workaday person, around 5pm, or at least not spend my evenings doing work. That's a huge step for me. Thing is, I don't want to fill it with nothingness. I either want to be working out, or knitting, or doing something other than absorbing mindless seat cushion time in front of the television.
The rest of the list remains mostly untouched, except, on a high whim the other day, I bought a $4 set of faux nails because I wanted to see what life would be like with perfectly smooth nails again. Having psoriasis means my real nails are jacked up to the high heavens, and nail polish does very little to camouflage this factoid. SO, yeah:
(Insert thought here: NOW I understand why Kerry suggested a podcast, but maybe the better option would be YouTube because then I can still show the pictures ... The wheels are turning)
The rest of the list is pretty much up in the air. We are (mostly my Beloved) painting the living room today, and getting new furniture in the very near future. The problem is, our living room, nay, our whole house is NOT what you would consider set up for good chi, or feng shui, at all. The doorways are placed in odd positions, leaving random half walls, or tidbits of corners, and then the other walls are taken up by windows. We're thinking matching oversized recliners and a loveseat might do the trick and nothing much more. NO one comes here, so really, this is about us and our comfort. I have never been an entertainer, and I don't intend to start now. I just want comfort.
We'll figure it out.
Meanwhile, back to the feels and stuff, I must admit yesterday, when I started writing this, was a pretty low day. I told my Beloved that some days, I struggle to comprehend why I am actually here. I do not feel as if I provide anything of meaning. I feel I have no use, and no purpose. We watched Dear Edward this week, and one of the things that I totally concur with is a line that went something like this: "I feel like if I was gone, nobody would even notice." That's not a "woe is me" statement, that's a fact. Except for my Beloved, and maybe my daughter. This is not throwing shade at anyone at all. It's the world we live in. There is a loneliness epidemic happening. Nothing is as it appears online. Nothing. It's an escape, and when someone goes silent, people just find the next thing to look at.
I live a mostly friendless existence. I say mostly because there are people that I can turn to, who I consider friends, but they have their own lives, and we do not see each other on the regular. I almost would say that, considering my daughter's diagnosis of being on the spectrum, I, too, am somewhere on that scale. I have always had a hard time with socializing, and understanding normal social constructs and behaviors. I prefer being alone because I am socially awkward, and tend to become mute. I cannot seem to articulate, spoken, or written, what I need or feel without offending others.
That was another thing I did on this recent Arizona excursion - I talked to people. People at the airport, people on the plane, security people. I tried being outgoing, and it didn't kill me. It's a slow process, but maybe by the time I'm ready to leave the planet, I'll actually be good at it.
I don't want the shackles of an official diagnosis. I don't want to wear a sash and banner stating my ailments. I just want to be more of a normal human and stop embracing my hermit-crabiness.
And now, I think that's enough for today, but I leave you with this:
Because even as I long for connection, I also know when things are lopsided, and not serving me, so I have learned when it's time to walk away.
I won't walk away from this, though. I like being able to talk about what's on my mind in a somewhat orderly fashion. Until tomorrow ...
👄💕😍
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