According to (SOME OF) the locals, this has been the worst monsoon season, and/or the hottest summer ever. Whether that is true, I have no idea. All I know is it makes me appreciate the rain that does choose to fall, more than I ever appreciated it in Ohio.
Last night, there was a lovely period of heavy-ish rain. The sound is glorious. It's not the same as Ohio maybe because of the appreciation level.
Today, there are more clouds ...
As I sit out here doing my morning meditation (Coffee, smokes, and writing), all I can think about at the moment is why?
Why am I here?
Why do I love what I love?
Why do I feel like my soul is finally home here?
Why do I hate who I see in the mirror?
Why can't I just be happy with everything?
Why do I allow anyone else's words to knock the wind out of my dreams?
Why is it so hard for me to read people?
Why don't I see things coming?
I read this, earlier this morning:
You can't fix or change what you don't own, and this is me owning who I am. What other people think about me or say about me, I can't do anything about that. They see me in a different light than I see myself.
All I wanted was to be happy and find the peace that was missing back there. I wanted a place in which to become the best me I could become. Maybe that's not in my cards. I don't know. Most days, I feel like I'm just taking up space. Not that there is NOT room for me to do so, but what value do I really add to anything?
Again, this is not "Woe is me" thinking, it's how I TRULY feel, and I'm not seeking attention, or pity, or anything really. I just need to say it outside of my brainshell. It's not directed at any one person, period. It's about ME.
I feel invisible. Things didn't pan out the way I thought they would when we got here. This is why it pays to temper your expectations. But even when I do that, and I go with the flow, it still comes back to bite me in the backside.
I full well know that nothing for ME will change if I don't do anything to change it. So, why, in the face of that, do I allow the words or actions of any other human being to affect me so negatively?
Currently, I feel like I took a breath, and am finding it impossible to exhale.
I just wanted to be happy.
Instead, I feel it all slipping away.
There was this story I read when I was young, or heard it ... I can't remember, and for the life of me, I cannot find it ... Oooh, wait - let me ask AI. Maybe IT will know ... BRB ...
Found it! The Snow Queen
And now, I will have to go re-read it because it is NOT at all how I remembered it to be, which would explain why I couldn't ever find it.
And now, also, I can't remember why I even brought it up, except that I need to change how I look at things, so the things I look at will change.
In other news, we had the absolute most HEINOUS rendition of Italian food last night. Suffice it to say, the NEXT time I veer off keto for a second, I will be doing MUCH more research, or going here:
The first Prickly Pear anything I ever had, in margarita format ...
The wall of their outdoor courtyard/seating area for large parties
Beeves hanging in strips in the sky to dry. I do not know why.
See, if I change my focus, I feel better, and what I focus on changes. I just have to keep doing that, right?
Distraction is key (kinda like how the government plays us (no matter who's holding top billing).
I feel much lighter now, and the tears stopped, and I just want to move forward.
Happy Weekend 💕
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