Be warned: This is very personal. This is very raw. This is not in any way filtered to avoid triggering anyone about anything. This is who I am. This is how I am feeling. If you stay, grab snacks. It's gonna be a long one.
The more things change, some things will always stay the same. Maybe "always" is a strong word, but at this moment, it's the feeling I'm going with.
I've decided that silence is a mistake. I held everything inside, and it was eating me alive, when I wasn't eating myself into oblivion.
That's a story for another day though.
What's making me open up now is just not going to be allowed to fester in the depths. I'm not going to be pretending I'm okay, it's okay, everything is okay because absolutely everything is not okay.
In the span of probably less than two hours, I went from on top of the world (somewhat literally) ...
To the lowest of lows, even from 30,000+ feet ...
I don't care who you are, you only get a limited amount of chances to hurt me before I walk away.
And when throwing accusations at someone, blindsiding them with your unresolved rage, gaslighting, manipulation, and cold-heartedness, you should be aware that they might have been able to make you understand that the world does not, nor will it ever, revolve solely around you and that my differing opinions did not make me Public Enemy Numero Uno.
This "you" isn't YOU, dear reader. This is any given "you" that decides I'm "less than."
I haven't shared much about family goings on because it's not something I feel the need to divulge on a regular basis.
However, after decades of bullshittery, I'm done staying quiet. I'm done pretending all things are happy go lucky, and perfect.
Here's what I've been accused of, over the years, and last week:
- Making things all about me
- Playing the victim
- Being disrespectful
- Being transphobic
- Being a good example of what/who NOT to be
- Being uneducated, backwards-minded, and uninformed
And a host of other assorted things that I have forgotten.
And, if that person read this post, they would inform me that I'm doing at least two or more of the things above by even speaking.
My arguments are as follows:
A. When sharing life experiences to try to allow someone to see why I am the way I am is NOT making things all about me, nor is it playing the victim. It's trying to relate and trying to have a conversation.
B. If I kindly ask someone to use a different phrase (in my presence) other than "dead name" to describe the name I gave them at birth, or if I ask someone to get a second opinion from a non-gender-affirming psychologist or psychiatrist, this does NOT make me transphobic. This DOES make me a mother/human who is concerned for this child's mental and physical well being. Period.
C. Because I don't agree with your politics, your religions, your personal beliefs, this makes ME uninformed, backwards-minded, and uneducated? I cannot say out loud what I believe because every time I try to speak, you interrupt me, and therefore do not KNOW my politics, my beliefs, or my religion(s), if any ... Gaslighting in its finest and most simple-minded form. For someone who LOATHES and DETESTS the current leader, and anyone of a white skin color (like yours, lest you forget) who has more money than you, you act an awful lot like what you PERCEIVE those people to be.
D. I don't have to say your name in face-to-face conversation to acknowledge that you chose a different name. I have sent you mail/items to YOUR new name. I never say anyone's name, that I can recall, when I am in direct conversation with them. Sorry to burst your uptight bubble on that one, but it's true, and no matter what you read into it, it means fucking nothing other than that's how I converse with people.
E. I came to Seattle with no list of discussion points, nor was I given any directives. I came to see you because I wanted to SEE you, and to SPEND TIME with you, and just be with you for a few days. I also do not have questions because you have made it impossible to have a civil conversation, and therefore, why would I set myself up for failure by asking questions that YOU might deem inappropriate. If you want to control all the narratives of all people all the time, then you are going to have to let people know what it is YOU want to discuss. Period.
Let me be 10,000,000% clear - I don't give a FUCK what letter of the alphabet you use to describe yourself. I don't care what gender you choose. I don't care what preferences you have. I don't care where you live, where you work, who you sleep with, or who you don't. I do NOT care about those things, nor have I EVER.
All I ever cared about was that you had a good life, a life YOU wanted, and that you were happy and safe. Full Fucking Stop.
Call me names, publicly humiliate me, scream at me, and shun me - doesn't matter. You won't ever be able to change how I feel, or what my intentions were/are. Just because you try to tell me what I think/thought, what I meant/mean, or my former or current intentions does not make any of it so.
Now that we've got this out of the way, here's who I actually am - the real me:
I am severely clinically depressed (if you ask my therapist). If you ask me, I'm just surviving. Well, I was. Now, I'm just pissed, and running on fury fumes. That's probably better, because if I had to choose, I would NOT choose the depression. It's been my concrete-lined coat for decades. I despise it.
I would never DREAM of telling anyone what they should or should not do, or who they should be, when it comes to politics, religion, sexuality, or gender. I don't care. If everyone in this universe were the same, it would suck. I don't want to live in a world of clones. I never did.
I believe in freedom of thought and speech, no matter if it's offensive to me or others. Just because I might not agree with something, doesn't mean I believe that someone else should be prevented from saying what they think or how they feel. That doesn't mean I believe that everyone should go out and start telling everyone else how to live, behave, or speak. Freedom, to ME, also means live and let live. And before you read anything into that, that doesn't mean "live and let others inflict violence on anyone or anything."
I am NOT religious, nor do I believe in the whole organized-religion thing. At all. The mountains, the skies, the desert that I have chosen to live in is as close to religion as I will probably ever get.
I am NOT political. Take that for what you will. I believe that people should be treated with decency and civility and respect, no matter their financial status, age, weight, nationality, skin color, or gender. I don't believe that one side is better than the other. It's a game that can't be won by normal humans. I stopped participating when I figured out that someone, somewhere is constantly moving the goal posts and changing the rules, making it impossible to figure out what the fuck is really going on.
From outside that particular stadium, this is what I have observed. It's all about "Divide and Conquer," and using distraction to carry out plans that were not shared with the group. As long as there is constant bickering, and orchestrated anger over whatever the latest headline is, the powers that cannot be seen can keep doing whatever it is they are doing. Plain. Simple. True.
I will not be humiliated, shamed, or forced into any belief system. Period. The more you choose to employ those tactics, the farther away I go.
I know what I believe in; I know what I care about. I don't have to cry it out in the streets or join a cult to prove it. I am living my life the best I can. I do not intentionally hurt humans or animals. I treat other humans with decency and politeness. I am friendly. I am curious. I am always learning new things. I try to try new things on a more regular basis than I ever did before.
I cannot control anything but myself, and that's what I am working on.
Full. Stop.
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