Last night's sunset - filtered for my joy. There's only so much you can do with one view ...
Even after years of my Beloved driving OTR, and being gone weeks at a time, being used to the solitude, it still is so empty when one of us leaves to travel assorted places. He's back in Ohio with his dad. Me and Odin and Bean are here in Tucson, kind of just existing, mostly because it's in the hundreds now, and it's too fucking hot to go anywhere of true import.
It's just the flipside of Ohio. Here, we hibernate in Summer. There, we hibernated in Winter. Or, if I'm being honest, hibernated ALL the seasons. Here, there has not been, nor will there BE year-round hibernation.
However, when he leaves, I kind of lose the ability to know what to do with myself, and thusly turn to boredom snacking and binge-watching completely useless shows, like America's Sweethearts. I've blown through all but one episode of the new season, during all the meals, and some periods of snacking and crocheting.
I swear to you on all things holy and true, someone's alarm of some sort just went off, and it sounded like this intro ... I almost started singing along.
Da-da-dot-duh... Da-da-dot-duh ... Ploink, ploink, ploink ...
I don't quite understand the ability to want to go to things like outdoor markets, or activities in Tucson (or the desert, in general) in the late spring and summer months during the day, or even in the evening. It can be completely dark and still sitting in the mid-90s. I think I have developed the ability to detect humidity more acutely here. You wouldn't believe the difference a five-percent increase will make in how it just feels outside.
In other news, there is so much here I want to see and do. So much. So many opportunities that we did not have access to in Ohellio, things like:
* Watching the bats fly out at sunset over the Santa Cruz or Rillito rivers
* Going to the Mercado San AgustÃn over on the west side of the city
* Seeing some concerts at the new casino out on I-10
* Driving west, past the Desert Museum. We've been south, and east, and he's been north (up to Phoenix), but we've not gone farther west than the museum, so we don't know much about that side of the mountains over there.
* I want to go to Old Tucson again, just for sentimental purposii, before it gets shut down, or taken over by some careless corporation. I haven't seen it since 1992, and since it mostly burnt down, and was only rebuilt by a fraction, but still.
* I will always want to go to the Mission. Always.
And that's not even a microscopic bit of the list of things I want to see and do here. I'm just saying. Ohio - watch the corn and beans grow. Here - all that, and so much more, like enough to keep us busy for a good decade or two.
.... Several hours later ...
I stopped writing because that little worm ate into my brain, telling me that I was just writing nonsense, not being real, and that I have no right or purpose to say anything out loud to anyone.
That's how my brain works.
That's why I sometimes shut up for months or years on end.
My brain says "Who the fuck really cares what you do or think?"
Funny thing is, I made the title, complete with "Mood Changes," before I wrote a single word.
I don't call that manifestation, but maybe foresight?
All I know is this is my existence. This is how I roll. I make the best of plans in my brain, but that same brain rejects all of it and keeps me stuck here in silence, doing nothing. Well, that, and 100+F temperatures, but mostly the first thing.
I pretend I'm doing anything that matters, or PLANNING to do anything that really matters, when in all actuality, I have no fucking clue if anything I do will impact anything ever.
I'm empty.
The events of the past few weeks have drained my resources. The lack of hope of it all has decimated my will to even try. Knowing that I won't be seen or heard or valued, leaves me with "What's the fucking point?"
At my appointment the other day, I was finally honest - I told her I am just tired. I am worn down. I'm tired of fighting this constant battle with myself. I'm tired of feeling like a useless blob. This is NOT a pity party, this is actually how I feel, especially if I see myself in pictures, in shadows, or on the security cameras.
I. Am. Tired.
This is my first-world, woe-is-me diatribe for today. I am fully aware that things around me are happening that are so very far from out of my control, and I am helpless to do anything about them, or to provide any sort of comfort to those closest to the situation. I fucking hate that. I wish I had solutions. I wish I had magical powers. I wish I may, I wish I might ... A thousand wishes I wish tonight ... blah-blah-blah-fucking-blah ...
I don't know what to do anymore but be brutally honest about and with myself. There's no point in delusions.
All I can do is keep going, spend less time ruminating on the past, being scared of the future, and just move.
That's it.
Sorry to end on such a damper, but those are my thoughts for today.
Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
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