This time of the morning is about the only time I don't sweat. I haven't sweated this much in DECADES. The heat here may be "dry" but I am not.
And also, for anyone who ever made fun of me wearing all black in the summer, or long sleeves and pants? HA ... I can't tell you how many people I've seen wearing all black, OR the number of individuals, especially landscapers, that wear long sleeves, long pants, and head wraps (I don't know the technical term, but their heads and faces are completely covered, except eyes, pretty much), etc.
Thus far, if trying to avoid the heat, like yesterday's 113F, we run the AC way too low, and all the available ceiling fans, along with box fans in the garage when we're partaking in our nasty habit of smoking. Following the lead of neighbors, we had a ceiling fan added to our back patio, as well.
THIS because, in addition to improving my sweating skillz, I seem to be highly attractive to these little menaces from hell called "no-see-ums."
WHAT in the HOLY FUCK? I have never been bitten so much in my life, and if you think mosquito bites itch? PUH-LEASE ...
Thing is, you don't feel it when it happens, but soon after you just start itching horrendously, and if you touch them, you itch even more, to the point where scraping your skin off with a dull steak knife would feel pleasant.
This is what the bites look like:
I actually think it started when we were held up in Shamrock, TX, on the way here, but then once we landed here, and I decided I could landscape on my own, I must've released the tiny Krakenii, and all hell broke loose on my skin. I've had bites on my arms, legs, back, sides, and even once on my forehead.
After the worst bout, I counted nearly 70 bites all over my person. 70 bites' worth of itch is almost more than my psyche can handle. I took Benadryl pills, covered myself in anti-itch spray, and hydrocortisone cream, and went to bed.
The Theys say NOT to scratch, because then you just get open wounds and are a prime target for infections. Fuck that. So, me, I did not scratch but a few (meaning like only twice). For the size of the offending beast, the size of the bite is probably 50x bigger. It's absolutely insane. They also take forever to fade.
Knock on wood, with the implementation of keto, cutting out all the sugars and breads, and snacky snax, and wearing natural and not-natural repellents, along with a tiny bug zapper or two, and the running of the fans, the frequency of bites seems to be diminishing.
BLESSED BE THE FRUIT!!!
Speaking of handmaids, did you watch Handmaids? If so, how did YOU feel about the series finale?
Personally, it felt rushed, and lame. Most of the last season, except for the phenomenal parts, just felt like they had renamed the series to "June's Face." This week on June's Face, we see up her nose. Next week on June's Face, we get a side view of her eyeball ... On and on.
Oh well.
This morning, we went on our second walkabout. We got a late start, and the sun was already up over the houses, so it was a much shorter stint. This also serves as landscaping research. There are so many different ways people adorn their front yards here. It's all very cool!!!
Also, clearly, going south provides a MUCH better view of the Catalinas when going back north :) It was absolutely stunning! I will definitely be taking my phone on walks soon, so I can prove it pictorially. (<---did not know if that was a word or not, but spellcheck seemed to approve :D)
As for keto, day five, and all is going fairly smoothly. After consumption and thought, I know that a few things will NOT make regular appearances on the menu: anything with almond flour, like those keto crackers, and a whole lotta NUTS ... I know better. No matter how much I love them, they do not love me. They make me bloat, and they are inflammatory. Bummer, but it tis what it tis.
I did find SLICED chorizo, so I had that last night for a snackity snack. Not too shabby.
No weigh in today - my scale is stupid, and I need a new one, and therefore, probably won't be much to report on that front til next week.
This is my first "week" without iced tea. Just been having coffee and water with lemon, or just water, and a magical metric fuckton of chewy ice.
I'll be making my snausage-and-egg "casserole" this morning. I had made the Buffalo chicken dip, and had that for at least five meals this week with either a salad, or Caprese salad (mozzarella (real) and tomatoes with basil, balsamic vinegar, etc.).
Let's move on to other goals. I loved having this face:
She wasn't the happiest person back then (2017-2018), but she did love her face and was learning to love herself more and more.
Today, she is giving blowfish vibes:
I accept that I am now in the aging phase of life, and I am not one of those women who will be partaking in fillers, Botox, or facelifts, so I wholeheartedly embrace the appearance of lines and wrinklies. However, I know I enjoy looking in the mirror much more when my facial region is not carrying a bunch of excess puffage.
So, with time, and persistence, I will get to a place where my face looks better to ME. Other than that, the goal is to keep improving, and make sure I have no need for doctors, or pharmaceutical measures. That's about it ... Oh, and to get in good enough shape to walk in the mountains without struggling. NO, I'm not going HIKING, but I do at least want to go up to Sabino Canyon and hang out.
Alternate title: The Law of Diminishing What-The-Fucks ...
Since I became a conscious being, probably somewhere around the age of six or seven, there were a plethora of storms raging in my brain. There were no neurodivergent diagnoses back then. You were either "normal" or "retarded." I don't know how I managed to stay out of the latter category, but I did.
I'm 99% certain others picked up on it, though, given the amount of disdain, bullying, or just not being seen that I evoked in them.
They, however, are not my concern. I used to take everything so personally, and sometimes, I still do, but just down a few notches.
This is about letting go. This is about that well-written "Not Giving a Fuck." I am fairly all out of fucks. My field of fucks is barren.
I've done, said, and been more stupid things than I care to remember. The self humiliation game was flawless.
Come to find out, none of it matters anymore. The things that I did - as a child, as a relative, as a sibling, as an adolescent, as a mother, as a wife - as bad as they may have been, got me to this point.
I'm finally in a place (mentally, and geographically) where I can truly just be me.
There is still a lot of anger, confusion, and downright heartbreak that I have neatly tucked away, and mostly only regarding a few individuals, but those issues are currently beyond my control, and I refuse to let them color my mood or mindset.
And now that I am on the road to NOT eating my feels, here I am writing about them.
There's one thing I've learned, after spending some time listening to Abraham Hicks, that Law of Attraction woman ... (Disclaimer: I don't know how I feel about all of that, but she (they) made a lot of salient points that I hadn't heard anywhere else.)
That one thing is: "You get what you think about, whether you want it or not."
If you need proof, take me, for example. I never had a high opinion of myself. I felt ugly, I felt fat, I felt gross, I felt useless, I felt stupid, and I constantly reminded myself that THAT was how I felt. What did I get? All of the above.
I don't know exactly how long it took to silence those thoughts, but I have. (For the most part). I've moved into C'est La Vie Land. Que Sera Sera, etc. In simplest terms: Whatever.
There was something else I learned from LOA (Law of Attraction) discussions. It had to do with making plans, setting goals, turning ideas into realities, but then telling NO ONE. If you tell no one, then there won't be anyone there to shoot those things down. Make your plans, dream your dreams, and keep them to yourself until they happen.
I've been on that side of sharing my innermost innermosts, and then having all of it thrown in my face, twisted around, or completely naysayed. It's a painful place to be, and not a place I want to visit repeatedly. So, I learned to just keep a lid on most things. Self preservation, maybe? Regardless, it's been useful.
All this to say, I am happy to be in a place where my general mood and demeanor are controlled by ME, and not by the words or actions of anyone else. Haters will always hate. Someone, somewhere, will always have an opinion, or feel the need to educate you on how THEY think you should do something. Let them. Whatever.
On a less serious note, today is going to be an excellent day!
Going to have a "company breakfast," with all my Tucsonan coworkers (some of theses):
I am currently 98% caught up with all backlogged work, for the first time in probably over a year.
I am doing fairly good, two full days in, with the keto.
While it's going to be record-level high degrees today, I still get to look outside and see these:
And, everyday I get to spend with my Beloved, and the babies (of the fur varietal) is an excellent day.
In totally useless knowledge, here are the latest stats:
1. Day 3 Weight: 197.4
2. In ketosis? Almost. The peetone strip says lowest level
3. Cravings? None.
I think easing into it is the most logical way to go. I think there's a lot of "muscle memory" left from the last times, so that helps a lot, but I like NOT having the urge to eat.
Okay, that's enough for today. Thanks for stopping by!
Like, subscribe, comment, share, do all the things ............ OR NOT :D Just do what makes YOU happy!! Everything else? Let. It. Go.
So, I always said I would drive away from the old house for the final time and have this playing as I watched it all disappear:
So, that's what I did :)
It was terrifying to let go of everything we'd had for the past 20+ years, but it was also exhilarating. Just knowing we were getting a new start in an entirely new place with NO ONE holding us back anymore - best feeling ever.
Yes, it's an adjustment.
Yes, it's hot as FUCK here.
Yes, I feel like I'm out of my element at the moment.
However, I also feel like I am home. Way more home than I ever felt where I grew up.
I'm not going to reminisce on childhood though. I'm glad that part is over and done with. It was what it was, nothing can change that, and I lived to tell the tale (regardless of how many times I thought I wouldn't or couldn't).
We've been here nearly two months, and there is still a lot that I need to do:
My office (clean, set up new litterbox for Bean (a self-cleaning monster), lay down new rug, put up new wallpaper (only a small bit), tear down old set up and then set up new desk, and finish organizing the closet situation.
Cancel the Ohio gym membership
Get new health insurance
Make sure all things Ohio are done and over (tax wise, mostly, I think)
Oh, and do the 2024 taxes :D
There is some cosmetic stuff we have left to do on the new house, but other than that, it is precisely perfect for us. I'm not sure how we did it, but we have landed in one of the quietest, and safest neighborhoods, less than 15 minutes from driving up two mountain ranges, and maybe 20+ minutes from the Tucson Mountains.
I don't believe country living is as quiet and peaceful as we've all been marketed to believe, at least not in Northwest Ohio. There was just as much, if not more, noise there as there is here. Bonus, we no longer have the dust and debris from farming activities, nor the crop dusting who knows what directly over our house, and we don't have to smell the pig farm anymore.
Of course, it's not nirvana here. It's a city with over one million people. Where local communities could keep their problems mostly swept under rugs in our area of Ohio, here, you get a healthy dose of it anytime you drive around. You see the best and worst our society has to offer, just on a much larger scale here.
It's also kind of trippy living so close to an airbase. I also am very content that we did not select a house closer to said base or the airport. We get to see and hear a lot of their activity, which is cool. All in all, though, it's fairly sporadic, and not constant.
See that tannish strip running across the middle of the shot? That's PART of the base. It pretty much stretches the width of the city, at least from I10 over to Houghton Road. If you look on Google Maps, you can see the sheer size. Amazing.
In late fall, or early winter, we're going to go see the Boneyard, which is trippy even to just drive by ... The sheer amount of "dead" planes sitting there is a sight to behold.
We drove over to where my grandparents used to live, but it's now a gated community, so I couldn't go visit (drive by) their old home or see the palm tree I grew up with :/
We went to the Tucson Mall, a place I went some 30 years ago ... I felt like I remembered one particular area, but other than that, it really is just a mall.
So far, my favorite excursion was visiting the San Xavier Mission, southwest of the city:
I have the best memories from being here with my grandparents. It's a place I can't accurately describe. Just makes my heart happy.
Whilst we wait on the cooler months to arrive, I am starting to work on me now. As I explained yesterday, I'm embarking on keto again. Day one went pretty smooth. I am of course easing into it. I have two things that contain sugar, some white-chocolate mocha coffee creamer that I use in the morning coffee, and some whipped cream in a can for my sugar free cherry jello-ish stuff.
I'm considering my options when it comes to movement. We have a few gyms around the area, which I am less than thralled about, but I've seen some Pilates studios, and some Tai Chi (that's probably not the right terminology), and a place that only does classes for all ages, shapes, and sizes, not standard gym-rate fare.
Just trying to get adjusted, figure out a true sleeping schedule, and the like. I know I want to get out and do stuff and meet people, so now it's just decided which format would be best.
There is always walking, but the fraidy-cat in me can't decide what time of the morning would be safe from javelina or coyote encounters. I know they're around. I have seen them once, and heard them other times, and I see reports of the coyotes on neighboring streets. I just don't want to be alone and encounter them, or someone who is randomly walking around on whatever drugs they do down here.
Not trying to be a snooty batch at all. I saw this video one day. A guy was filming on a street in a big city (East Coast) and all these people were on some drug that truly made them freeze no matter where they were or what position they were in. I thought that wouldn't be here, but we have seen it, and it's just so very sad. Helpless to help those that don't want help, I am at a loss. Also, the homeless, or unhoused, or however the hell you're supposed to correctly label it now, population is strong, and you just don't know who you will run across.
Whilst I am not a shrinking violet or fainting goat, and I do have some 50+ years of pent-up rage inside, I just don't want to find out what would happen in any of those situations. Not yet.
Anywhooooooo, that's what's up at the moment. I haven't decided if I want to recount the events of the past few years or not, but I know I have some things to say and I will be saying them until I run out of writing juice again.
Thanks for stopping by :) I would say "Like and Subscribe," but I'm not a "content creator," so I won't.
The time has come to get my shit back together. I'm not good at balance, so instead of trying and failing that again, it's time to get back to what I know will work.
Someone with some guru title once said: Action expresses priorities.
Kind of a no-shitter, but still something it pays to remind oneself occasionally. My Facebook memories reminded me the other day, and it hasn't stopped occupying my brain space.
The last couple years have just been a blur of bullshit, astonishment, heartache, loss, depression, bewilderment, and now pure joy. That's how I got to where I am currently, physically speaking. Ain't nobody got time for focusing on physical aspects when trying to process several tons worth of emotional baggage and a heaping dose of depression and giving up.
Author Unknown
Can't say it better than that picture. All the fingers be pointing in my general direction. I wish I could be one of those persons who cannot eat when they are anxious, nervous, sad, happy, or any of the feels, but I am not. I am the polar opposite.
I deluded myself into thinking I would go back to the gym if I bought a membership. Went once.
I deluded myself further by creating a home gym, complete with an area in which to do exercise DVDs. I used the treadmill once.
I have bought and cancelled more "diet" plans that you can shake a stick at. It's like a tic.
None of it worked because I was already in a downward spiral on my way to exiting stage left. Every day I saw less and less point in sticking it out til the bitter end. Thankfully for me, I'm a coward.
Now that we have all that out of the way, lets zoom into today.
Right here, right now, living where I have always wanted to be since I started forming memories, it's time.
Everything is in place. All it takes now is me.
Actions=Priorities.
There are a few things I will have to do differently this time because I have done some serious damage to the kidneys with years of the high-high-high fat, gross amounts of dairy, and a year-long addiction to Crystal Lite Peach Tea ... but that's a story for another day.
As of today, it's back to water with lemon or lime, maybe some jamaica at some point, and stevia (the liquid varietal). A coffee or half in the morning, and a coffee in the afternoon so I can get my collagen, and other nutrients.
I did meal prep yesterday for the first time in E-ON-S.
Oh, and before I continue, let me tell you this: If you are ever considering that stupid meal service Hungry Root, just save yourself the heartache. I was SO looking forward to it, and all we got was a box of bullshit, mostly warm, and damaged, and without an ounce of care. Thankfully, it had that first-time discount, but still it was a complete waste of time and cash.
Back to now ... I made bacon for salads, one dish of buffalo chicken dip (yes, that one IS high fat, but will not be a regular on the menu .,. ), and got the stuff to make my dairy-free ranch dressing, instead of using processed bullshite. I've got vegetation and meats for dinners, and snackable items.
I'm gonna do it ...
Yeaaaah ... (for my Beloved) :D
So, this is the starting point. As of this morning, I'm dead on 200lbs. No fractions, no nothing, just 200.0.
It's not the WORST I've been, but it's also not where I want to spend the rest of my life either.
I am not tracking food, or macros. I know what I need to do. There may be intermittent fasting, probably in the 14- to 18-hour range. I am not taking measurements. I know how things fit now, and I know what I look like in the mirror. I don't have anything to prove, so I won't be bogging myself or anyone else down with the gory details. Life is for living, not tracking.
I am done putting me on hold for everything else. The stars, planets, and life, in general, are all lined up.
Well, that escalated quickly ... Here it is, almost Christmas, and so much has happened that I just didn't feel like writing about, but I think I need to start speak-typing again so as to preserve what little is left of my sanity.
This last half of the year has been full of copious amounts of sentence enhancers, mostly in the form of the F word, preceded by What The ...
In thinking back since I last visited here, the appetite gradually came back, and I was having protein shakes about every other morning because they seemed to mask the nausea better than yogurt and grapefruit.
I don't really imbibe anymore, but I found this little meme-icle kind of amusing :)
Funny story - we got a gymnauseum membership again, back at the end of September, maybe, and we've got approximately once. Cool. That's how exercise has gone for the past few months.
This, which lies beneath probably 3-4 ounces of shredded taco chicken, tortilla strips, and ranch dressing has pretty much been the only thing I eat for lunch for at least the past two months.
Other than that, I'm still banished by my eldest child. We have spoken for brief moments in a very cursory, and formal manner just to relay certain bits of news, but otherwise, they are in their own version of life and trying to forget that this world here in Ohio ever existed. Cool.
I have forgotten minute details about everything, so there's not all that much to report by way of stupid news.
I have learned this year that stuff happens whether you're ready for it or not, and sometimes a LOT of stuff happens and your brain is left in the aforementioned state of WTF-ed-ness.
My mom was sick in the first part of the year. Recuperated, but then got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a bout a week. She then went back to the nursing home in the "rehab" portion of the facility, where she continued to do nothing more than decline.
Meanwhile, my nephew called me (which was a shock because we don't normally speak on the phone). He called to inform me that my brother, his father, passed away suddenly in his sleep. Sentences were very enhanced after hearing that. I still don't quite believe it. It's just so surreal. We were not close in location, but we were close in heart and mind, and now there's this kind of void that I can't really fill. He got me. I got him.
Cool. So, then I went and cut all my hair off. Well, I already had the appointment made before that news broke, so I just stuck with the plan.
Look at all that gray!!!!!!!! O.o
I just wanted to start over from almost zero ... it was VERY short. I only wish maybe I had considered the logistics of near bald in Ohio in the winter. Thankfully, I wear a lot of hoodies, so there is protection to be had when I go out of doors.
I can't remember the exact timeframe of anything, but some six days after this photo was taken, my mom took her leave of the planet, as well. Things were just not the same after dad passed, and she set her mind on exiting stage left, and off she went. I haven't ever seen anything quite like it.
There's quite a book of things that I won't ever say here, but ours was a complicated relationship, and while I am glad her pain is gone now, and that I got to be there and say goodbye and let her know I loved her, I also now have this odd feeling of a sense of relief and like maybe those of us left can move on and repair all the brokenness.
Some things in life are just a 5200-piece puzzle, and this family unit was one of them.
Disclaimer: This is all very OLD NEWS ... Just thought I should bring things up to speed because I am in the mood to write again, and who knows how long THAT will last :)
I have not had much to say ... Sometimes, it's better to just go silent and observe. Plus, life and the human body kind of have this way of sending you not-so-subtle messages that maybe it's time to change shit up.
Being prone to kidney stones, kidney infections, and the like, this one didn't feel so great, and knew she needed to get some medical assistance. So, I went, got an antibiotic, and it was hellish and made me feel like I had the COVIDs. Breathing, let us just say, was a challenge I did not appreciate. So, I stopped taking it, and things seemed all clear. Then, it resurfaced, so I went back and got a different antibiotic. Little did I know that the same antibiotic, taken years apart, can have drastically different effects on the person.
This one left me rather askew. It did do what it was supposed to do, but it also gave me many flu-esque symptoms, including weakness, lethargy, nausea, and it also reduced my appetite to about 0.55%. I haven't et so little in my life like ever. One day's meal included a small handful of cashews, and maybe half a serving size of almond-flour crackers. With the constant nausea, it made me not even want coffee! I KNOW!!!
I was also then left with tastebuds that didn't work quite right. Some things taste completely off, whilst other things, like potatoes, just taste like where they came from - dirt. Then, there's the meat stuff. I can't eat it. I did have some deli Cajun turkey, which was less than appealing, and one bite of grilled chicken which was okay, but nearly unbearable because I ALSO have become mostly sensitive to salt, of ALL things, and my husband added a copious amount of seasoning to the bird before grilling, so that one bite was more than enough.
Couple that with irregularity of the bathroom varietal, and you have one hot mess. As if THAT all weren't enough, though, then, when I did try eating (Greek yogurt, fruit, chia and hemp seeds, and some cinnamon), it was one of the worst eating experiences I ever did have. I was so miserably bloated that it took several hours, and several digestive enzymes to relieve the horrific feeling of near explosion.
I was afraid to eat. Anything. I was doing the softest of soft foods - applesauce, peaches, cottage cheese, yogurt (the junk kind), and sugar-free gelatin with a magical metric fuckton of Redi-Whhhhhip.
It's been a while, so I am not correctly recalling the timeline, but eventually, probably three weeks ago now, I ended up having to head to the ER because I had some horrendously painful stomach aching, and the nausea, which just hasn't gone away. I was never vomiting, or feverish, but that pain!!! It was like the pain after I had my gallbladder removed, in recovery - like WHAT the CAPITAL FUCK?
It was determined that I had what I guess they thought was a mild bout of pancreatitis, and also, it was discerned that I have "several" 1-cm stones living in my left kidney.
After a healthy round of gouging, blood removal, urine samples, a CT scan, and a less-than-spectacular dose of morphine, they sent me home, since I could keep the water down for half an hour.
Yeah, so they sent me home with anti-nausea pills which I tried NOT to take because she warned that they cause severe constipation. Not something I need at this point in time. I'm pretty much on a backed up, or don't make any plans kind of daily regimen. I can either feel the discomfort of not going, or the discomfort of going too much, too often, and without much warning. Ugh.
Last weekend, we went to look at the car we wanted to get (oh, and I forgot to mention that our Equinox was sacrificed at the body of a very large deer) ... Crunch. We went to Applebee's, and I had a side of mashed taters, and a cup of French onion soup. I decided, hey, maybe I can eat onion soup, so I got all the stuff, I made it at home, and something went awry when I added croutons and cheese - it was so salty, even though I did not add a profuse amount of salt during the cooking process, that I just couldn't. So, now, we have a plethora of homemade French onion soup in the freezer.
The new car
Proof of Destruction
I bet you always wanted to know about my digestive adventures, didn't you?
Frankly, I'm tired of the nausea, and the oft-present ache in the kidney, but since it's not blocking anything, or making me ill, there's no call for any surgical intervention just yet. I take my Chanca Piedra (called stone breakers) which do help alleviate the discomfort, but other than that, I'm just here, trying to exist.
ANYWHOOOOOOOOOOO, I got this brilliant idea that since I've probably not had more than 4 ounces of meat in the past month, that maybe it's time to try some more plant-based living for a minute. I did this several years back, but I did it all wrong. I was eating ALL the carbs, all the pasta, the bread, the junk, and NOT focusing enough on the whole foods.
So much has changed in the vegan world since last I visited it. I can't find the veggie snausages that we used to adore, which makes me sad. I will keep looking, though. We have a Trader Joe's in Fort Wayne, now, that I didn't even realize was open, so I am thinking that might be the best bet for finding it.
I have partaken of some heavier fruits, like fresh pineapple and watermelon, but I don't believe they are as kind to me as I would like. Much gastric upset ensues. So, it was good to have them for a moment, but I'll just leave them be. I've got berries, grapefruit, and banans. That's good enough for the sweet department.
I'll be trying to make some oven-roasted potatoes and hope they don't taste like what they grew in. Instant mashed potatoes seem to not be as harsh to the palate.
I'm scared to eat too much by way of the gassier vegetation, like broccoli and cauliflower because if the watermelon and pineapple did a number on me, I don't know what would be in store.
I'm also not going to be a True Believer type plant-based eater. I am going to eat what agrees with me, and leave the rest for everyone else. At least until this nausea subsides. I spend a lot of time chewing gum to keep it at bay.
This is a whole new world to me.
I've got some learning to do.
I guess I should also divulge that since the ordeal began, I started at 203lbs, and now I'm in the 186-188lb range. Can't really complain about that. It was effortless. Gotta look for the silver linings, right?
I just would like to find whatever the right path is for me and my body, and get past the nausea.
Oh, and it's been two months and one week since we stopped smoking in the house. All good. I suspect, with the introduction of the colder weathers, I'll be smoking way less, very soon. I just need to find things to do inside that keep me occupied, like writing really long-winded blog posts and working long hours when I don't have to.
I think that's it for now.
Just a trippy shot I captured during a storm one night. Not even digitally enhanced!
I spent a lot of time yesterday and the day before coming to terms with my age now. What the capital FUCK? When did it get to this point?
I don't even remember what was going on last I wrote, except all the familial BS. I am still banished, and just living my life. Life does move forward, regardless of the things that happen. I chose to NOT sit still and wait for that to change.
The world is still worlding, and much to my delight, it keeps going even when I don't pay attention to it.
As of August 2nd, it will be one month since we stopped smoking in the house. Woot. One month.
I really thought that the Doobie Bros.' "What a Fool Believes" would have more practical application in today's discussion, but after reading the lyrics for the first time ever, and also realizing that there is no such word as "Nostalgictive," and instead, the words are "Nostalgic Tale," I have come to learn that really the only thing that applies is this line: "What a fool believes, he sees ..."
So, in light of the fact that I'm probably on the back nine of this here life, I've sort of come to terns ...
TERMS ... I've come to TERMS with the fact that time is limited, and moreso even than money, it's a resource with a definite scarcity factor. Doesn't so much seem that way when you're 20, 30, or hell, even 40, but now, at the spritely young age of 56, I am currently "What the Fucking?" all over the place.
So, back to the not smoking indoors ... While the AMOUNT that I smoke has decreased significantly, and I expect will keep decreasing, the amount of TIME that I waste DOING said smoking outdoors (instead of whilst I am working) has exponentially INCREASED. Not good.
No, I'm not going to go back to smoking inside. But here's where I have to divulge the very disgusting truth and call complete and utter bullshit on myself.
On your phone (or most phones) there's a weekly report that shows how much time you used the phone, and which apps had the most usage. Get the fuck ready for this, because it's rather alarming. Can you fathom a guess as to how many hours I spent on my phone last week (alone) on ONE app? I had no clue.
I had to reread that report at least four times before that sunk in.
What the holy fuck? I had no idea. And also now have zero excuse ever again for "not having enough time."
I don't spend any time, really, on socials - maybe 15 minutes tops. And since moving the bad habit outdoors, my YouTube usage has gone from all day, every day, to maybe once a day, if that.
So, essentially, I have been frittering away my life outside on the deck or the bench, blissfully ignorant, playing my game, or making notes, and lists in my manual device (aka notebook and pen), or reading.
I haven't been taking care of myself like I should or as I deserve. I have wasted a significant amount of time waiting on the world to get better, relationships to get better, etc. I hide in my office, doing work or just piddling around, bemoaning my current state of being.
No fucking wonder.
Something's gotta give.
I had time yesterday to go for a lovely walk in that cemetery I mentioned last year. We had time to go to the city and explore a new place. I have time tomorrow to leave and go have lunch with my mom. I had time to drive across state and go meet my sister and niece in person.
Why is it, then, that I have such a hard time, on the regular, finding PRODUCTIVE usage for my time here at home?
There is so much I COULD be doing here, at home, inside, outside, all around. This report has really made me realize what a waste of space I've been.
I think it stems from giving up on myself.
When I went to Arizona earlier this year, I had a LOT of time to examine my brain, and learn a lot about how I want to be treated and what I am willing to put up with versus walking away. I think, now, in light of this bullshit, I need to walk away from this version of me, and get to the better me, and stop waiting around for some miracle to occur.
I am so done waiting on others to be honest, loyal, faithful, understanding, etc. Done. They can do whatever it is that they will do, but I am choosing to stay as far away from it as I possibly can. The way I see it, if they are willing to discard me, there wasn't really ever anything there to begin with. Everything is fleeting. Everything is temporary.
I haven't quite mapped out what I want to do, but there will be a lot of self improvement going on. It's been almost two years since the last time I had a proper hair cut. It's been longer than that since I had a manicure - like decades, really. I realized yesterday that I truly do not own anything of a nicer nature to wear during the warmer months. Fall and winter, I'm golden. Spring and summer? Not so much.
So, it's been a minute. I was in a dark place. Had to claw back out of it. After the vertigo kicked in, in more-than-full force, mind you, I finally figured out that my vitamin D was significantly low, so I'm nearly a month in on taking 5000 to 10,000 whatever measurements they are per day, and things are SORT OF on the uptick, but I'm sure I could use a visit to the doc. I'll get there eventually, get all my levels of things checked out, make sure I haven't poisoned myself with near-daily infusions of tuna salad, etc.
What weighs more heavily on my mind though is all the things. Stress and heartache abounds, and I'm clearly not capable of dealing with it in any sort of productive manner, so I just shut down. Ignore it and it'll go away mode, if you will. Why talk about things that will not change?
However, in listening to someone talk about that all important self care, they mentioned what happens to people who hold everything inside, or who aren't allowed to express their feels. Makes perfect sense, because I watched it happen to my dad, and he's no longer here to say anything. I've spent decades being ignored, hung up on, gaslit, and made to feel less than.
I can't do it anymore.
I want all this crap out of my head, so it doesn't continue eating me alive.
Let's preface to say that I'm a fully flawed and fucked up human. As a manner of coping with the things I could not control, I did things that made me feel in control, and things I'll never condone or be proud of. I was in a place of feeling like no matter how good a person I was, no matter how much I did for anyone, no matter how faithful or honest I was, it was never going to be enough, so I said fuquitol, and just did what I did.
I don't know how to make up for the things I chose to do, but I'll figure it out eventually.
Let's also preface to say that I own my own shit, but I'm not going into the gory details about it, or about anyone else.
It's been a long and particularly fucked-up road I've traveled being what is commonly known as a parent. I allowed people to make me believe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not good enough. I don't know. All I know is I have regrets, and I am powerless to reverse time, or any damage I did along the way.
I also know that what I THOUGHT I knew I didn't really know at all. My firstborn has been really no more than a stranger, and now refuses to speak to me at all, and I don't know what to do about that, since there are thousands of miles between us, and I have essentially been deleted. I THOUGHT I raised someone with an open mind; someone who could listen to more than their own belief system, and maybe not agree with it, but not go full (*&$^%) and demand agreement. Anything other than what they wanted to hear was deemed bigoted, idiotic, phobic, ignorant, and selfish.
Even talking about it in this manner would be deemed as making it all about myself, when none of it has to do with me.
Cool.
Their last words to me: "Have a nice life, Deb."
Not mom, not "I need some time to think," just slammed that door shut, deleted me, blocked me, lost my number, etc.
None of my feelings, none of my fears, none of my concerns matter. What else is new?
People really lose their shit when you refuse to tolerate their disrespect.
To that child:
If you choose to believe what everyone else says about me, rather than get to know ME, that's your choice, and your loss. If you choose to believe what some internet cult tells you over the love of your parents, that's your choice and your loss.
I'm well aware that you don't need me. I'm well aware that I'm an embarrassment to you. I'm well aware that you've been told that I'm an example of how NOT to be. I'm well aware that I've never measured up.
I'm sorry you were so cursed to have me as your mother. I'm sorry I didn't give you everything you thought you needed while I was busy giving you the freedom to choose, the freedom to think for yourself, and not trying to shove my own agenda down your throat.
I'm sorry that having my own thoughts and feelings is offensive to you. I am NOT sorry that I chose to speak my mind, that I chose NOT to walk on eggshells, or have you micromanage my every word.
You do you, and by all means, have the nicest, best life ever.
I'm done. I'm no longer a doormat for anyone. I take it as a life lesson when I see that someone doesn't care. I take it as a sign that I'm not in the right place, and I move on.
The time has come to stop worrying about what anyone else is doing, and focus on being the best me I can. I have probably said that more times than I can count, but maybe now is the time that I mean it. I mean, if you say it enough, it will eventually be true, right?
I'm not a witch, but if I said how I truly feel out loud, here on the internets, sure as shit, there'd be a witch hunt. I ain't doin' it.
Everyone is free to make their own choices, and I'm free to make my own choices, and never the twain have to meet.
In a world full of memes, be your own fucking billboard.
(I still love memes, though)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I just want to live what life I have left to the fullest, and without worrying what anyone else thinks about it. I cannot control what anyone else thinks, does, or says. I can only control me, and going forward, that's what I am doing.
After climbing out of a particularly deep, dark hole, I have come to this realization. I know nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I don't know why I am here.
I don't know why I am not here.
I don't know what I thought I knew.
I don't know what I don't know.
I don't know what's truth.
I don't know what's a lie.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know why I want what I do think I want.
I don't know what's real.
I don't know what's fake.
Given this plethora of unknowing, I am left with a certain sense of freedom.
Fuqitol, if you will.
Apparently, this life is one big basket of playing it by ear, or whatever the expression is.
Wing it.
Fake it til I make it.
I don't even know why I am not writing in complete paragraphs.
Just seemed like the thing to do at the moment.
I don't know if there's a divine being.
If there is a divine being, who made THAT divine being?
I feel like I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of The Matrix and Inception.
Blue pill. Red pill. Dream. Reality.
What is it?
In this current reality, right here where I sit, with this newfound free-spiritedness, this is what I NOW know:
I'm done with expectations.
I am erasing whatever preconceived notions I had about much of what has come before.
If reality is like one percent fact, and 99 percent our perception of it, then I can make this life be whatever I want to be, right?
Shit will happen.
Things will begin.
Things will end.
I don't need to know if you're telling the truth in order for me to listen to how I feel deep inside. If you choose to lie, that's on you.
I may not know why I am here, but I also do not know why I am NOT here, therefore, I guess that adds up to I'm here for some reason yet unbeknownst to me.
I have to move forward.
I have to rebuild what's left of my brain and my heart.
I'm done with how I have felt over the past few weeks.
I'm done allowing anyone else to determine how I feel about myself.
I'm not everyone's cup of [insert beverage of choice here].
I am me.
The only person I am changing for is me.
I'm not waiting around to be loved, appreciated, or even noticed.
Come with me, or don't. That's up to you.
I don't know what's next, but I do know I'm about to find out.
Photo by me at Full Cover - Total Eclipse 2024 (I don't know what blue/green streak is)
I’m so sick of me. I know that’s not the manifestationally
correct thing to say, but what else is there to say. I have allowed people and
situations to control my emotions, and my lack of actions, and I am so very
tired of not taking back that control.
I cannot control what any other motherfucker on this planet
does. Only me.
We got a very horrendous Chinese take-out meal last night,
and the only healthy and beneficial thing to come from it were my two fortunes,
pull from the guts of the two fortune cookies I consumed, one last night, and
one today.
Fortune #1: Sever the ignorant doubt in your heart with
the sword of self-knowledge.
Fortune #2: Bring something up from the back burner.
Oh, and I discovered that you cannot, and MUST NOT eat tuna
salad every day, sometimes twice a day, for months on end. I’m pretty sure I
have given myself a healthy round of mercury poisoning which has made itself
known by headaches, and an assortment of bumps, aka a rash that not only
itches, but bleeds when you scratch it. Yay.
I’m kinda sad about that because my tuna salad was the bomb,
and it was one of the few things I could eat for lunch that did not make me
groggy and ready to just go back to bed. Damn it. May have to go back to Factor
meals for a while, and no, they are not sponsoring this blog post, because I am
not a professional blogger, or “influencer.” But Factor meals are simple, and
if you have a discount code for $2.99 a meal, you could get a magical metric
fuqueton of meals for a pretty good price. Cheaper than frozen meals from the
store, cheaper than meal planning and cooking, not to mention faster.
Annnnnnywhooooooooo, back to the aforementioned fortunes. Yeah.
There’s been a lot of doubt, and a lot of pain. I’m not going to give you the
details because that’s not who I am. It’s a private matter, and just suffice to
say that I have been erased from a person’s life who was my world. I have been
eradicated, blocked, silenced, and completely eliminated and prevented from
communicating with them. Why? Because even though I support their freedom to
choose what works best for them, I chose to tell them my honest opinions, and
concerns. I kept their secrets, I lied by omission, and when I dared to share
what was in my heart with them, I was met with “Have a nice life, Deb.”
(Note, I am not talking about my Beloved, either. He
is my rock. Let’s just clear that up now. Without him, I surely would not be
here to write this.)
When I discovered this message, and that I had been banished,
I doubted my need to continue breathing. I felt like someone in a horror movie
that just had their heart ripped out of their chest, said heart pureed in a
Vitamix, and force-fed back to me through a cocktail straw. In that moment,
and THAT moment alone, I didn’t want to continue existing. I had to step away
from the door because a fleeting thought that passed through my brain was “Just
smash your face in the glass as hard as you can. What does it matter anymore?” That
was new. It was a very dark few moments.
I don’t tell you that for pity or sympathy or dramatic
effect. I tell you that because it’s as real as I can get. You don’t need the
gory details to know the pain of losing someone you thought would be in your
world forever. Many of you who read this have had your own losses that are definitively
deeper and more painful than this, I know this, and to each of you, you have my
undying love and understanding.
I tell you this, because, as the fortune mandated, I need to
sever the doubt with self-knowledge. The self-knowledge I have is this:
I am worthy of more respect than this person ever showed
me.
I did everything in my power to make sure this person had
the best life they could have, given they were stuck with me. It wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough to earn their respect. It wasn’t enough to make them
understand that I love them so much I would risk losing them.
Their decisions are not my cross to bear. Their decisions
will ultimately only affect them.
I will never again keep secrets for anyone. Secrets are a
form of manipulation that I will no longer entertain. If you talk to me, make
sure it’s something that anyone can hear. If there’s anything I loathe, it’s
game-playing, and toying with people’s emotions. Own your shit, or don’t tell
me about it.
I will speak my mind if I feel it is important.
Otherwise, I don’t have much to say. I’m more of an observer. If you don’t want
to hear what I have to say, don’t listen. Simple as that.
So, I know these things and, as such, I move forward, knowing
that I’m not for everyone including those for whom I thought I was. Blood is definitely
not thicker, apparently.
Which brings us to Fortune #2 – bringing something (me) up
from the back burner. I put myself there. Not necessarily on purpose, but I did
anyway. For decades.
I know my flaws, and my weaknesses. I know that something
has got to give before I completely run out of fucks and do something I can’t
ever take back. Which has been heavily on my mind this week. It’s not been a
good week. Thankfully, I have had distractions to keep it from being the only
thing I could think about.
I don’t know why I am here. All I know is I won’t spend the
rest of my time on this planet being a useless lump addicted to distraction and
putting everything off.
The only way to NOT do and be the things I despise about
myself is to NOT do or be those things. Again, no pity or sympathy. I don’t really
share the ugliest parts of me here, so trust me when I tell you there is a laundry
list of things on which I need to focus.
I’m tired of saying “Fuck it.” I’m tired of being depressed.
I’m tired of my brain. The incessant nagging thoughts of not being worth the
effort need to go. Who I am is not dictated by those who refuse to value me,
including me. Giving up is no longer an option. Just sitting here waiting ...
feeling washed up, used up, and heartbroken is no longer an option. Saying that
I’m going to do something, and then making a zillion excuses why I don’t do it
is not on the table anymore.
I cannot stomach this kind of pain and agony and just maintain
status quo. The only way around this is right through the middle of it.
Forward, not backwards. I fully realize this is Sunday, and I’m starting things
on a Monday again, but not really ... It starts now. I don’t know precisely
what IT is, but now is the beginning.
As Raymond Reddington so brilliantly put it: “I wanna stand
on the summit, and (probably not me) smoke Cubans, and feel the sun on my face
for as long as I can.”
I don’t have a summit here – maybe the deck out back – and I
don’t smoke Cubans, but I still smoke, and we still have sunlight. Lemonade anyone?
