The (Constant) State of Flux

In the past, change of any magnitude would send me spiraling downward. I can't pinpoint exactly when I got over that, but I recognize now that change is pretty much the only constant, like ever. Even dead things change. 

So, the Beloved's work schedule changed again. After much time on an earlier shift, he's now on a 10:00 am shift. Doesn't mean my brain will sleep in to accordingly adjust. Just means maybe I'll make it through the day without a nap, and maybe I won't. I mean, seriously ... We didn't go to bed til 1:00 am-ish, and who was up at 4:45 am? Clue: Not him. 

Me. That's who was awake at 4:45 am. This, however, was me in Seattle, sleepless.

I thought I would be able to access my patient portal so I could get the official numbers from yesterday's visit, but apparently their website is also in a state of flux and was not available. :/ Suffice it to say, all things looking good. Blood pressure - good. Resting heart rate (the actual resting one, not the one after walking all over the place to get back to the room one) - 80. A1C (the quickie test) was either 6.5 or 6.9, or 6.-something. For the life of me, I can't remember. All I remember is that the doc said, "No meds for you!" SCORE!!!!!!! That was the goal (in my brain!) 

I really can't say much more until I get some actual data, so I can make comparisons, either from my visit there last May or from my visit to the OB/GYN at some point after that. Or both, even. 

The shoulder thing, whilst bothersome, is on hold for at least a month, to see if some daily stretching, and consumption of an anti-inflammatory will clear it up. 

Meanwhile, would you just LOOK at this room? 

 Apart from the Moulin Rouge version, this is totally befitting of the room in which it's in!

Probably my favoritest part of the fil-em.

Though I haven't watched the movie in many years, I bet it is still one of my favorites, though I'm sure some of that opinion will have changed, as well. Going off on a tangent - I know this because I tried to watch Baz Luhrmann's Elvis, and it was just too much. The look was kind of similar, but damn, was that movie going all over the place. Way more movement than Moulin Rouge, or Romeo + Juliet had. Way more. Way much. Tangent over. 

Back to reality, it was a weird day adjusting to my Beloved's new schedule. I was up around 5:15-ish, by 8:30, I was at the doctor's office. Then, off to Kroger my way to some Polaner preserves for his PB&Js, and then to Meijer for the weekly hunt-gather session. Oh, and I bought snacks. Yes, I did. As if to celebrate my healing, I made sure it's still "healing" and not "healed." 

The ways we justify the things we do, right? 

Got home. Tried to attend a meeting. My microphone malfunctioned. Did some work stuff. Ate my unhealthy snack lunch. Did some more work stuff, and piddled around playing Solitaire, here and there. Again, those scheduled movement times got deleted. Had another meeting. Did some laundry, some dishes, set some new mouse traps to replace the two "used" ones - we caught two more. Christ! - ate early dinner, did some more work stuffs, and then, when he finally got home around 11:30 last night, we watched an episode of The Last of Us (I think it's called). 

I think my project(s) for today will include getting all the donation stuff out to the car, tearing down boxes, and putting away all the things I had to wash during Mousegeddon the other day. 

Oh, and if you know of anyone who wants a piano (that probably lives locally to me) and can come get it, let me know. I have lost my heart (more flux) for playing it. It's been years since I actually did so. It does need some cosmetic revisions, but otherwise, it was a fairly excellent model in its prime, and would not take a whole lot to restore it to former glories. 

That's pretty much all I got. Have a good one. 

Now It's War

 Remember this thing? 

I didn't know if I wanted to admit this out loud, but we have an issue, and now, we're done being nice. When it was just one, fine ... But when we discovered Mouse Central yesterday?  

Source

As my Beloved says, "It's war." Game on. It's not going to be pretty. 

What have we learned? 

1. No matter where the food is, no matter how much it is bagged, boxed, and packed tightly away, they will find it, and they will decimate it. Obliterate it, even. 

2. Listen to your cats. They are tiny and they know things. 

3. You learn how to let go of the things that no longer serve you in order to prevent hidey holes for them to do their dirty work in. You learn quickly. 

4. While we love animals, we cannot abide this, and we will do whatever it takes to keep them on the outside. 

5. Don't live in a locale surrounded by fields if you do not want to wage war with field mice. 

It's not a great feel to realize that you've been infiltrated by tiny yet destructive creatures. However, on the bright silver-lining side, it definitely speeds up the Great Purging of Things Project. Sometimes, the universe just gives you a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetle nudge in the right direction. 

So, some four loads of laundry, many bags of burnable things burned, and much sweepings and cleanings later, I feel a bit less skeeved, but still just ewwwwww. 

In other news, today is the day. Even though I stopped early, I have accomplished at least two of the three goals from the 12-Week-Year plan. 

1. I've gotten my blood glucose readings down in pre-diabetic AND non-diabetic ranges. Go me! 

2. Set an appointment with the doctor - today is the day. 

Going to ask for a full blood-panel workup or whatever they call it. Since I try to not go to the doctor more than once or twice a year, I figure it'd be a good plan to see where my levels of all things are at. Going to take in my monitor so I have pictorial proof of whence I speak, should their reading prove different than mine. 

Another busy week of work ensues. When I get back from the appointment, and the hunt-gather session at the local purveyor of foodstuffs, there are meetings and other things. Many, many things. 

Have a lovely week! 

The 7 Habits of a Highly Ineffective Me

1. Overthinking 
2. Shutting down 
3. Procrastination 
4. Slothiness 
5. Incompletion 
6. Fear 
7. Not demanding more of myself 

That's just off the top of my head. I'm sure the list is much longer, but probably 85% of it can fit under any of the aforementioned ineffective habits. 

Where is this thought process coming from? I decided to listen to this. I never read the book, but I've heard it quoted too many times to count. It's clearly the foundation for any self-help self-appointed guru walking the face of the Earth at the moment. 

So, let's break it down, shall we? 

Disclaimer: Grab lots of coffee, krullers (if you eat those), or snacks. I feel like writing today.

1. Overthinking. It's how I do. I'm getting better at distraction and stopping it, but not yet immediately. The doing of which leads to the existence of habits 2-7. It's been my modus operandi for as long as I can remember. When emotion was shamed and "taught" out of my daily routine, it all went inward. Did they think I would just never think? Don't answer that. That answer would be yes. 

2. Shutting down. Check. When I get overwhelmed, when I feel like I just cannot move through a problem, after all the overthought, I give up. I shut off. 

Source

Probably another product of the Do Not Emote teachings of my childhood. If I'm not allowed to express how I feel, might as well just shut it down. Unfortunately - for them - that didn't happen until well after I left their direct control. 

3. Procrastination. Skill Level: Master. I never met a task I couldn't put off. I really am improving upon this poorly habit, even while still doing it. I must have mentioned before how much I really like the whole calendar thing, and monitoring what I'm doing during any given day. Maybe this week I'll track just how much time I waste ... If I don't put it off. 

4. Slothiness. The last time I remember having boundless energy, I was probably somewhere between this: 

and this: 

Life events, shitty food choices, and getting older have really drained my urge to move. In my head, I picture it. In my externality, I don't do it. See #3 for why. It's not for lack of being awake, though. I don't sleep for shit. I've always been a short sleeper, always. Up before everyone else, and awake well after they went to bed. Even now, at 54, I still typically only get 5-6 hours on a normal night. The only one who can change my slothicity, though, is me. That's the one blaring flaw I have found with my daily calendaring thing - I schedule the movement, and then I just delete it. Don't ask why because I have no clue. 

5. Incompletion. I lack follow-through. Mostly in personal life, but it does spill over into the work life, as well. My Notion page holds lengthy lists of things that are incomplete or on hold. They're always "Next up ..." until I realize there's something CURRENT that I need to do, and they move back down on the priority list. I have bags, and tubs full of yarn in varying stages of use. Piles of crocheted squares that someday will form a throw ... Boxes of new yarn that I have dedicated to these things that I seemingly won't ever get to. Piles of things that need to go to other places just sit there waiting. I, myself, incomplete. Always a WIP (Work in Progress), but that (me) is the only thing that SHOULD be in that stage. Which leads to the why ... Fear. 

6. Fear. Fear of letting go. Fear of having made the wrong choice. Fear of failure. That particular bark is typically always worse than its bite. In the past, this probably would have been way north on the list, but I have come a long way with regards to this shit-tastic habit. Most of it stems from an embedded, and, again, taught, lack of self worth. If you're always being instructed to do things differently, eventually, you start thinking that what you choose to do on your own is wrong. See also, overthinking. What I failed to realize, for decades, was that what they thought about me did NOT have to dictate what I did, said, or accomplished. There are some bigger things I still fear, but a lot of it I have let go. 

7. Not demanding more of myself. By now, you know I wholeheartedly believe in personal responsibility. I own my shit. I have fucked up too many times to count or even write about. I just tend to take the path of least resistance, and give myself far too much lenience. I waver between "I don't like how I am; I will do this, this, and/or this to change it," to "Fuck it. Might as well be happy." But am I? Really? This is why I got rid of the tarot cards a while ago back ... My happiness is up to me. No one else. It can't be foreseen. It has to be DONE. It happens because of how I choose to do, or not do any given thing. Maybe I need a hard revisit to my whys. Why do I want this, or that, or t'other? What will it do for me? Gives me something to NOT overthink about but to consider, definitely. 

I told you I was in the writing mood. 

Now, I take my leave, and venture off to see what I can get done today. 

Happy Sunday 

I'm Not Where I'm From

So, finally, some nearly 30 days later, I felt all the feels I hadn't yet felt about my dad's mostly abrupt exit from this world. 

I turned this video on because it's mellow and such ... but the more I listened, the more everything just boiled up. There are lots of lyrics in their songs about death and relationships that haven't worked out in the best ways. I obviously relate. 

I think I'm good now. I was feeling bad about NOT feeling much of anything, and now that I have actually FELT something close to sadness about the whole thing, I can move forward. 

We all have to deal with our pain and our grief in our OWN way. There is no method, no matter what the internet says, that is better or worse than any other. It all is what it is. It's personal, and as private, and as internal as you choose it to be. 

I thought about calling my friend, but really, I didn't want to talk about it. I thought about talking to my Beloved, but again, what's there to say? He's heard it all. He's been here every single time they knocked me down, and he's helped me get back up. I didn't have anything in particular to even say. I was just sad, and I sat with it. 

Then I went to the store, bought some cheese and white-corn tortilla chips, and a peanut butter cup, and came back home and just chilled with an episode of Dead to Me (season three). 

It was a lazy kind of day. I got shit done in the morning. I did quite a bit of work stuffs in the morning before the feels took over, so the rest of the day I spent kind of quietly. 

I was surprised to see that my blood glucose came in at 91 (before lunch). Go me. My appointment is Monday. Can't say I'm looking forward to much of anything other than getting a full panel of bloodwork and seeing the results. I want to see where my cholesterol, triglycerides, and other components are sitting - especially kidney/liver functions, just to make sure things are all kosher. 

I had a fuckton of kidney pain during the week or two surrounding his departure, but I'm going to chalk that up to the very shitting eating I was doing, and the stress. After I went back to a more normal dietary intake, and all the services were done, it mostly subsided. 

Now, it's just the shoulder and a recent arrival of upper back pain. The shit just moves around my body and works it way out. I know what I NEED to do. It's just the doing of it that I have trouble doing. 

It's the weekend. Let's see what I can get done. 

Have a good one! 

Time is NOT on Our Side - Duh ...

 This is gonna be a very rough translation of something I heard yesterday: 

"Every choice you make, you pay for with your life ..." or something like that 

Something's out of focus ... 

In other words, you don't get that time back. If you choose to sit prone, and do nothing, that's your choice, but how many hours of your life do you want to commit to that particular activity? How much of your life do you want to pay for browsing the socials every day? 

I paid probably a good hour or more eating really shitty food yesterday. I paid probably several hours of my day playing solitaire. I paid zero increments of time of my life exercising yesterday. I paid probably 45 minutes of life doing bills and updating my financial software this morning. I pay anywhere from five to 15 minutes a day washing dishes, depending on how high I let them stack up. I spent maybe an hour writing my blog post and answering questions on Quora yesterday. 

I spend more time wasting time in any given week than I spend time doing the things I know would improve my psyche, my health, and my relationships. I spend a lot of time working. I spend very little time actually taking care of myself. 

Look around. Who else is here? No one. It's on me. I can't control what anyone else chooses to spend their life on. All I can do is make different choices for me, and be a bit more (god, I hate this word) frugal with my time. 

With this calendar thing, I've been much more cognizant of what I'm doing, and where I need to focus in order to get the things I want. Now, to stop the focus and just DO the thing(s). 

In other news, yesterday was a fairly productive day, work-wise. Meetings. Writing. Working. Thinking. Making work videos. Got a lot done. For that, I'm grateful to have a brain that works properly (most of the time), and creativity to come up with more ideas for improving the processes, and the ability to write (no matter how much I put it off because I'm afraid of it). 

I would hate to calculate the amount of my life I've paid in service to fear. I don't want to do that anymore. Work in progress. 

That's all I got. 

Happy Friday! 

DUH ... 

The Snowball Effect

 

What a weird day it was (yesterday). I'm almost afraid to talk about it in the off chance that I have a repeat today. Let's just say there was much anxiety, more frustration, copious gnashings of teeths, and the urge to just go to bed. All Day. 

In other news, there were many birds out in the trees, absorbing the snowflakes. The mourning doves were firmly positioned on their branches. I honestly expected to look out and see dove-shaped balls of snow; that's how long they stayed in the same spots. 

I must confess, I did schedule actual physical movement in my calendar and that has been the one thing I have not succeeded in accomplishing. I did for the first few days, and then, as per me, I pushed it off, off, off, and ended up just deleting each one I missed. 

Today would be a good day to begin again. Git back up on that particular horse, and ride again. I can't keep repeating the same laziness and expecting different shit to happen, right? (Insert at least 10 carefully crafted motivational quotes here) Blah, blah, blah - I just need to MOVE. Literally, physically ... The stagnation will be the death of me if I do not. 

This is not about anyone else but me. I don't want to be stuck in the same state of being anymore. I don't care what anyone else does. I just want to do what works for me. 

What's NOT working: 

- Being sedentary 

- News 

- Social media 

- Fear 

- Stress 

What you put in is what you get out, which I proved to myself yesterday, via those Cheezits I et the night before ... They WRECKED me yesterday. Letting frustration get the best of me WRECKED me to the point where I took half of a half of a muscle relaxer to a) kill the shoulder pain and b) just chill. That's not something I want to do on a regular basis. 

There is so much more to life than just this. I just want to get to it, instead of waiting. 

So, step one starts now ... 

Have a good day! 

Breathing, Flying, and Letting Go of the Circus in No Particular Order

Like the boss man said, I need to take a step back and breathe when frustration slaps me in the face. I did not, admittedly, remember to do that this morning when I looked at my email. Clarity and delineation are not things that readily occur in this world. 

I am learning to practice the "Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys" mantra ... I cannot control what anyone else does. I can only control my own behavior and my own responses. 

In other news, I've been up for nearly three hours and have not once looked at social media. 

I'm proud of the fact that I bought snacks yesterday, and they sat on the counter all day ... I did not touch them til last night. That, to me, is progress. The rest of the Cheezits went in the burn can this morning. They did not help my digestive system at all. 

We are having a snows storm(?) today. I will probably miss most of it because I'll be sitting at my desks doing work stuffs. 

My current musical obsession, Manchester Orchestra, makes the work go much smoother, and helps me focus. They write some deep shit. 

Some things come along when you need to hear them. They help you process things and move forward. 

Other things show up to bring you a few moments of fascination. I can't tell you how many times I watched this last night. Some things are just absolutely magical in the moment. No need to break them apart, or be critical. Just be mesmerized by the movement. 

No other real thoughts abound today. Off to work I go. 

Checks, Wrecks, and Balances

It's been almost a month. It doesn't feel any different, honestly, than it did when he was still alive. 

General location of the wreck

Some of these lyrics pretty much sum up the entirety of our relationship - with a bit of revision: 

I notice you when you're (NOT) noticing me
(NOT) breaking the habit, you're (NOT) watching me sleep, oh
Give me some time, let me learn how to speak
I'm (NOT) a maze to you
I never mind about bothering you
I'm trying to decide if I'll bother with you you'll bother with me
So, feed me your wisdom and breathe me your truth
I'm amazing (whether you saw it or not) 
Wish me a wonder and wish me to sleep
You don't have to wander to hear when I speak
There is nothing I've got when I die that I keep
It's amazing
Somebody said it's unspeakable love
Somebody said it's unspeakable love
Well, you don't believe I can speak well at all
You're a maze to me
First of a thousand to write on the wall
It's only beginning, it's swallowing us
Somebody said it's unspeakable love
It's amazing
You (DID NOT) lift that burden off of me
You (DID NOT) lift that burden off of me
You (DID) lift that burden off of me

From The Maze

At this point, the most I think about is the actual wreck, and the time he had left with my mom and my brother. I hope they got some closure in those moments. However, it's a family of NOT showing true emotion. My grandpa, his dad, was the most emotional of anyone. He was loud. He laughed loud. He was kind of brash, for lack of better word, but still, you didn't ever see how he really felt. 

L to R: My uncle, my grandma, my grandpa, my dad. 

At the time this picture was taken, I would have been approximately five months old. I wonder if I contributed to the lack of joy in his face even then? That was his expression a lot of times. My uncle, the clown, was the happiest, always. Still is. His laugh reminds me of grandpa's laugh. His mannerisms are a lot like my dad's, just a different demeanor. 

Again, I just hope he found joy on the other side of whatever this life is. He really was a maze that I never figured out. 

I think, if I'm being brutally honest, that the burden is lifted now because I can stop pretending like it ever would have changed, and he ever would have felt anything for me other than disdain. I am free of his judgment now. He's free of the frustration that is me. 

Well, that got dark and depressing. Sorry. 

On to the news of the living, had a really good meeting with my boss yesterday. Got a lot talked over, and I was able to talk about some of my (less than) frustrations with how things are going. He listened, and helped me figure out what direction in which to go with some things. 

His feedback for me, personally, is that sometimes, my frustration shows. I know exactly what he means because sometimes (in a 100% remote, digital work environment) I don't filter myself as much as I should when I write (type) responses to colleagues. He said we're pretty much on the same page with the frustration, and he knows whereof I'm coming from. His advice - just breathe. In the grand scheme of things, we're doing excellent stuff, making huge strides, and going to do even better things this year. 

It's nice to get straightforward, unbiased feedback. 

I asked him to - if he sees me expressing frustration again - to point it out (in chat or whatever) because 99.9% of the time, I know when I'm upset/peeved/etc., but I just want to make sure I'm not missing something, or displaying emotions outwardly (in speaking or writing) that I'm actually not feeling. I want to make sure I'm properly aligned! 

Other than work news, not a lot going on. It's nice to have things done, so there's not entirely a whole lot to do, housework wise. A good deep cleaning of the entire house is probably in order, including the ductwork, but I'll get to that closer to when we move away from here, someday. 

Have I mentioned I really like this calendar thing? 

I Got Shit Done!

 

2023 Cheesy Serious Selfie 

or What you do when you're left unattended alone in the car ... 

I really was NOT sad, as this picture may lead you to believe. I was just bored. 

Whilst Saturday was the Day of Laze, yesterday was GITTERDONE Day! There was lots of laundry functioning, dish doing, purging of extraneous shit that I no longer use/need/want, organization of "My Room," (my daughter's old room), repairing and sealing off Mouse Entrances, and work stuff!  

I am ready for this week. Got a head start on my main PIA function - data entry. Got my agenda mapped out for my meeting with the Boss tomorrow. Got some writing done. Watched some television. Ate some late-night pork rinds and chip dip. Drank a lot of water. Drank a lot of coffee. It was a good fucking day! 

Have I mentioned how much of a joy the calendar thing is being? 

I still am seriously considering the very short haircut. Probably this: 

Not sure about the platinum coloring. I think I would want to make sure it was more on the white side than the gray side if I went in that direction. Otherwise, maybe just highlights again (though I said I would never do that) ... They would be easier to manage and maintain in a short cut than with the longer hairs. I just don't know. As long as I remain undecided, I'll just keep dealing with what I've got, and masquerading as someone with actual hair, even though it's SO very thin at the moment. 

Back to more important and relevant things ... I don't know. I don't have a lot to talk about today. Just proud of all the things I got done yesterday, and looking forward to an equally productive day today. 

If you need inspiration for letting go of distractions, there's this: 

You can just listen and still do other stuff. Watching is pretty much boring, but there's a lot of thoughts in here to process. 

Okay, off I go. Have an excellent week! 

Hunt, Gather, Sleep, Think

 

Shitty capture of a SPECTACULAR sunrise

That shoulder pain was a bitch, yesterday, as I probably mentioned yesterday. The pillz, though, they did what they were designed to do, and the pain vanished, and I was in a completely relaxed state of being. 

We got motivated midway through the morning to go get shit done. He got a haircut. We went to the store. It was surprisingly calm, and veritably stress-free. Score. We could probably get away with going every two weeks if we did not need deli meats, or produce, but at least we're not filling shopping carts anymore. I think we had two bags, and some assorted pet foods. 

I bought a bag of Rold Gold pretzel sticks earlier in the week. I think I went through about half the bag (so, half a pound O.O). I threw them away last night when we went to bed. Done with that, for now. I don't consume that many in a sitting, but it's just an annoyance/irritant to my physical being that I really don't want or need. Killed a candy bar last night. 

Time to buckle up, bear down, and get back to work on my person. Not because I feel like I have to meet any external expectations, but because I want to feel better. Also, there's that doctor appointment coming up, and I do NOT want to go in there and still get a diabetic A1C reading. Nope. 

After this morning, when I finish the last of the Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar, I'll be back on my normal liquids - coffee, more coffee, and water with Jamaica and Lime or Lemon (and a bit of stevia). 

The leftovers from the restaurant did not hold up. That, or our second go at it just lost a bit of the luster. There's some quote out there about reality being like 90% perception and 10% fact ... So, maybe it was still great, but our perception/expectations declined? 

After the store, after a lunch of leftovers, I was tired (maybe the sleep aspect of the muscle relaxer kicked in?), so I took a very long winter's nap. Let's just say it was getting dark when I woke up. There were very odd dreams, completely with a fully-horned rhino, some big cats of the speckled and spotted varietals, and weird places/people. Still haven't had any visits (in dreams) from my dad. Maybe it's because it's just the same as it was when he was still alive. Out of sight, out of mind. If they act like I'm not here, they don't have to be bothered, right? 

I know that I'm responsible, now, to either maintain, or recreate a relationship with my mom, but I'm not 100% sure why, at this point, it even matters. She was a different person for about five days after he died. Then, by the time the memorial service rolled around, she was the her she is most comfortable being. I know I sound cold-hearted from the outside, but I am not divulging all details here, so that will just have to be what it sounds like it is. I'm not here to plead my case. Just talking a bit about what's on my brain. 

One pleasant outcome of the sad events is getting to talk with my daughter more often. That is something I DO want to work on, and will. Yes, it's difficult when we're separated by several very wide states of the union, but it's doable with online mechanisms. 

I really took a considerable break from planning/scheduling yesterday. Just was a day of rest. Today, we plan. Today, I'm brainstorming all the things I want to cover in the meeting with my boss this week. He actually scheduled MORE time for us to talk, instead of the original 15-minute block, so that feels kind of good. 

Off in a different direction, I read this article yesterday that talks about green burials. 

It might be an option. I have often wondered if trees are just reincarnations of past souls ... full of all the beauty and pain that they once experienced as human forms. That, or some karmic justice (the uglier thought process) where it's some form of punishment? Who knows. Either way, it's definitely something to consider. 

Back to work stuff, I did none of it yesterday. Today, I'm mapping out my week, finishing up that brain dump on the meeting, and getting ready to get even more done this week than I did last. It gives me something to look forward to - focusing on improving me. 

I don't think I've got much more to talk about, so this seems like a good place to pause. 

Happy Sunday. 

Approximate Bliss and Spontaneous Productivity

Yesterday was one of those days that just ends up being phenomenal. I have to say, seriously, this calendar thing - even after five days - is really contributing a lot. I'm looking forward to seeing how much more I can get done in the second week. 

This

Combined with tracking my work in Notion (below) 

Is helping me focus in ways I never thought I could. I also have to say that I'm quite proud of myself for my participation in a work meeting yesterday with a client. Usually, I'm the timid lil mouse that sits over in the corner and doesn't speak up. Yesterday, a different me showed up - one who spoke up, answered questions with confidence, and didn't hesitate to interject when necessary. Go me! 

Oh, and I don't miss the constant focus on dietary habits, intakes, fuck-ups, weight, etc. At the moment, I'm hovering around 207 and I'll get to where I want to be eventually. The more I can start to feel good about being me, the less all that shit will be an issue. 

In other news, there is this face, every day - I am constantly smitten with her: 

Practiced Beggar of/for Treats

My friend sent me this, in lieu of flowers, because she knows what I love. I love her. 

The little things are the things with the biggest meaning

We went here for dinner last night: 

Even when you hit the parking garage, it doesn't feel like small town/city Indiana anymore. They have put much work and love into the downtown area in the last 20 years, and it really shows. Ebbs and flows and whatnots aside, I kind of really like it downtown now. 

What I had: Shrimp & Grits - Sautéed shrimp, Spanish chorizo & baby kale; served over sweet corn grits. Finished with sweet pepper bacon, paprika & fried Fresno peppers. I can't ever adequately express the love I have for this meal. The first time I had it, I made at least three more meals out of it. It's fucking enormous, it's absolutely phenomenal, and if there weren't a magical metric fuckton of other things on the menu that I want to try, I would just get this every time. 

Ironically, I just learned that there are two different types of chorizo, just yesterday, before we went ... There is the Mexican varietal, which is cased, but you remove the casing, and it's crumbly, like a very fine HAMBURGER. The Spanish varietal, which is in THIS meal, is like a hard sausage (do with that what you will ... I know you will), sliced and diced like pepperoni. I was proud of myself for knowing that it contained the Spanish variety without even reading the menu. 

What he had: Pork Chop Al Pastor - 14 oz. pork chop marinated in al pastor seasoning & grilled; served with refried lentils & green beans with radish julienne. Finished with habanero mango glaze. The refried lentils are interesting, and mostly taste just like refried beans, but the flavor of the chop excellent. 

What he also had: Chicken Tortilla Soup - Finished with crispy tortilla strips, cilantro, queso fresco & sour cream. ALLOW me to tell you that I have never had such a bite of soup in my life. This alone could be a meal. I can't even tell you why - it's like a blanket of joy just washed over my being when I took that sample bite. Sigh. This soup plus their mixed green salad would be totally satisfactory. 

It was just a great day/night. 

In other other news, this shoulder is really becoming bothersome. It, too, ebbs and flows in the intensity of pain, but damn. The pain, when it flows, is next to nauseating, and radiates down my arm, up in my collarbone and neck, and just is not a fantastic experience. 

I'm the kind that likes to leave shit go until I can't take it anymore. How do you think I found out how much I could fall in love with morphine? When the gall bladder pain is so bad that you can barely stay upright, and you have to go to the emergency room, where they have those lovely little heated blankets, and drug drips - that's about the point when I decide I might be sick. 

While I pride myself on NOT taking prescription medications for anything, I will and do take meloxicam (anti-inflammatory) and small bits of muscle relaxers when the regular acetaminophen doesn't touch what ails me. 

This pain is also nondiscriminatory - it happens when I move, when I don't move, when I stand up, sit down, or lie down. It happens when I'm not even lying on that side. This pain is bullshit. Now, to determine whether I should go to the clinic, or just see if I can get an appointment with an orthopedist before the end of the next decade. I think this is beyond the scope of the GP, so I'm not bothering them with this. I'll see how it goes today, and then decide. 

I think that's it for now. Have an excellent weekend! 

Stormy Weather, Sleepy Me

 

One of the two times I ever did catch lightning in a shot

When one exists in Ohio in January, the arrival of a thunderstorm, complete with the large thunder and lightning, is kind of hard to process. This picture was not from yesterday, just looked all ominous and shit. 

My body likes to yawn. Like all day. I can't even say the word without my person obediently doing said word. Crazy shit. I've yawned at least six times since I started writing this, and in the hopes of making it stop for a minute, I'm gonna stop talking about it. Damn! 

The shoulder pain did not make for great sleeping the night before, so I'm sure that contributed to some of it. Coffee doesn't touch it, nor elevate my ambitions to get shit done, either. 

Still eating Factor meals because they still keep sending reasonable and even really great deals, so I keep buying them. I can't fathom how their deals are sustainable (to them), so I'm just going to enjoy them whilst they're still around. 

Still on my Elote almond kick ... I need to let go of that soon. I burned myself out on pork rinds and chip dip, though, so for now, it works to appease my need for crunchy, salty snax. I did pick up a six pack of Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar because the store was out of Diet Dr. Pepper. It's just not the same. Those six-pack bottles are NOT as carbonated as the singles, and the flavor of the Zero Sugar varietal is just off. Or maybe I'm just over regular Dr. Pepper and don't like it all that much. Who knows. 

Made more Jamaica syrup last night - and again, did not take pictures or video. I need to order more Jamaica, and THEN maybe I'll muster up the courage to film it. 

I am really liking the calendar thing, but I wish there were a way to incorporate my work tasks in there, just to get a TRUE representation. I could set them up, I suppose, as another group of tasks in the Google calendar, but damn. I kind of like what I do with the work stuff in Notion, so I probably won't. 

I did not track every single thing I did yesterday. I did fail to carry out more than one stretching session because I was too busy exercising my mouth with yawning. See, I went to write that sentence, and I did it again ... 

There's not a lot of profundity issuing forth from my brain. 

I've got to work on my confidence level and communication skills. Pushing outside my comfort zone, going to have a meeting Monday with my boss to talk about random issues and whatnot because I can't expect good communication from anyone else if I, myself, don't learn how to do it in a better way. Gives me the weekend to make a complete list so I can be sure to cover all the things that need to be addressed. 

It's not a terrifying kind of thing. It's just that we are a startup, and as such, things get kind of clusterfucky, even after a year, and I want us to be in the best shape possible so that we can absolutely rock the shit out of this year. There are a lot of moving pieces-parts, and this is more of a maintenance call than anything else. 

Also will have to put a face on and look human for that call, since I don't think it would be really brilliant of me to ask for a meeting and then NOT have it be FACE to face!  I'd almost rather fly out to Phoenix and have a sit down over beer than to do things over Zoom or Google Meet, but there will be plenty of time for in-person meetings when we move out there. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have learned that I do NOT enjoy eating snax late at night before bed. It's just something to do because sitting still and doing absolutely nothing whilst watching television is not in my DNA. 

I did get some new crochet hooks, and have printed out some more of the patterns for a "crochet-along" that I found last year ... What the holy fuck? It started in 21!!!!!! I've put it off longer than I thought I did. Anywho, I still don't have a clue what the finished product will look like, but I did go with some gorgeous Mardi Gras-inspired colors (Deep purple, green and gold hues), and if nothing else, it will keep me warm one day when it's all done. It is my goal to get this whole thing finished this year, and the time spent sitting in front of the television doing nothing seems like a fitting time to work on it. 

I don't have anything else to talk about really. This was sort of all over the place, like my brain. She is what she is. 

Happy Weekend! 

I Speak. Therefore, I Speak.

Some days, I feel like the words that come out of my fingers and on to the screen are NOT comprehended, or even read. I'm not talking about this blog. I'm looking at it from a work context.

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Note: When I say "said" I mean wrote. 

I get that we are all oversaturated with words. Words are the order of the business. Lots of them. Different kinds of them. In a variety of different places. I, myself, am guilty of reading without comprehending and then responding first without thinking. Ask first, think later <---- Me. However, when you say the same thing, in about the same way, and the other party responds the first time, and acknowledges, but then, you repeat it again the next morning, and they still go off in a completely different direction, which means you have to say it again ... 

I don't know if it's a matter of me not saying it clearly, or succinctly enough. I don't know if it's a matter of the other person's serious lack of attention span. I don't know. 

All I know is something has to change, communication wise, because what's going on at the moment is highly ineffective and wasteful of time. Part of my role is to figure that shit out. So, I need to map out a plan and see what comes of it when I address it. That's all I can do. 

In other news, I'm really kind of enjoying the calendar thing. Really. It's like low-key training your brain to do new habits without overthinking it. It's opening my brain to new possibilities, and new things to do. It's a good thing. The flexibility is key, though, because if you miss a task at a given time, and don't move it, then you feel like you failed. This way, when I do something at a different time, I can just drag it to the new spot, and still check it off. 

One of the biggest lessons I am learning is to DO THAT SHIT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. I mean, right then. Just do it. Otherwise, the procrastination sets in, and the thought, and related activity remain undone. 

Example: The other day, I thought about how I should just get rid of my tarot book and deck. I dug that shit out and tried it again, and, just meh ... I just don't find it valuable. I did back when I didn't know what direction my life, or brain were going in 98% of the time, but now, not so much. If you're constantly focused on an outside force (be it tarot, horoscopes, psychic readings, or even daily bible devotions) telling you what to do, how to think, and what to look out for, you're NOT living. You're waiting. I don't want to wait any more. 

Speaking of doing things when you think about them, hold please ... 

Say goodbye. They're in the burn can now. 

I also stopped, grabbed a water, filled up another bottle of water, and went pee ... I did things right when I thought about them. 

Another bonus to the calendar is that it allows you to see how much time you're wasting (all the blank spots, or the spots that you KNOW you're filling up with useless activities, such as social media, or just playing Solitaire (my own downfall). 

If I'm being honest, and I AM, I don't record everything I do because I already know I'm wasting a lot of time, but haven't been able to confront myself with that fact just yet. Maybe today, I will. We shall see. I'll show you what my day looked like tomorrow. 

It's a Stretch

A fairly good representation of how my shoulder feels ... 

I'm old. I'm going to whine about assorted aches and pains now. 

The sleepy period was absolutely not restful due to my shoulder demonstrating EXTRAnonordinary pain at what seemed to be regular 10 minute intervals. What. The. Actual. Fuck? 

In an attempt to sabotage myself, I bought another peanut butter cup, and some Rold Gold pretzel sticks and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I ate the candy. I ate a few pretzels. Drank the poppy-pop. I also ate some other junk cracker-type things that were in my drawer from last week's binge that I forgot about until yesterday. They're in the garbage. Not a good way to alleviate or NOT cause inflammation in things like SHOULDER joints. 

It was what it was, and today is a new day. 

What I learned about the calendar is that my timing has to be VERY flexible because sometimes, with work being what it is, I end up doing work stuff when other stuff is listed. This is what drove me nuts about paper calendars because once you write it, you're committed, and there's very little to NO room to adjust. Digitally, I can drag, drop, edit, or delete altogether, and still see a relatively organized span of time. 

I'm playing serious catch up with the backlog caused by the events in the first week or so of this year, which means extended periods of sitting in front of the screens (I have three) and getting shit done. 

Yesterday was kind of frustrating from a remote-work perspective. 

• When you have to explain something thrice or more, in writing, it's agitating. 
• When you can't just pick up the phone and say something, or yell across the cubicle maze, it feels a bit deserted
• When you go to work on a platform that's supposed to be 100% functional and you find that it's still only 20% functional, you wish they'd just stick with the old platform ... 

The rest was just actual work duties, and not troublesome.

I could always NOT look at every notification when it dings on the monitor and the phone. However, my role revolves around management and support, and so if I ghost for an hour or five, who am I supporting? It's up to me to be able to MANAGE my own workload so that I can handle the issues that arise throughout any given day. 

I also don't know how to manage when I feel like someone is taking advantage of (me, their position, the company, etc.). If someone ASKS for more work, and you give it to them, but then they end up being some four days late on that work, and don't bother to say anything until the fourth day, that feels like a problem to me. I can't force anyone to communicate responsibly, but DAMN, just send me a message or email and tell me straight up. Is that so hard? I'm not an ogre. 

But then I'm also not displaying punctual or fastidious accomplishment of my own work, either, so how can I expect any more of anyone else? I can't, really. 

So, the focus of this week is to get caught up on my own backlog and not worry about how anyone else chooses to do their own work. As long as the overarching issues are being solved, and tasks are being accomplished, there's not much else I can do at the moment. 

I know I need to become more effective at what I do, but I also don't want to go down the rabbit hole of management and organization advice either. I'll figure it out. 

I accomplished two of the three movement sessions on my calendar, so that's 10 minutes of active stretching, plus the bits of movement caused by doing laundry, and dishes. Stretching feels fabulous. I know eventually I want to do a bit more than that, but for right now, I think it's a good option. 

What really irks me is not having anything of substantive value to watch during my lunch break. Seriously, my biggest first-world problem ... I end up on Netflix in some garbage reality-show spiral, watching things that are completely useless, or lately, I've been watching A Chef's Life on PBS. I started to watch a documentary last week about a hatchet-wielding hitchhiker that I had never heard of until last week ... I'm so out of touch. It's really not worth the mental energy to worry about. It's less than an hour of my day. 

Other than all that, life is good. I'm digging the calendar thing. I'm digging not worry about my every move, as far as physical shape and diet are concerned. Yes, I'm going to have days where I make shitty choices, but I also have days where I don't, so it will balance out. 

Off I go then. 

Sticky Wickets and New Plans

I can't even define (without Google) a "sticky wicket," but I do know I needed to just wipe away what wasn't working, and do something new. That depression hit hard Sunday - a culmination of all things death, life, shitty eating, shitty choices, etc. It was hardcore. Not the worst ever, but it was heavy. This is the kind of world I lived in for months at a stretch before I changed (very gradually) what I et, and did, and nearly disappeared for a while once I began keto the first time, back in 2017. 

If you're curious, no, I do not take any form of medication. I've tried a majority of the antidepressants on the market, and typically, my brain's response is somewhere between hypnotized, stoned, and downright zombified. You don't feel the depression anymore. You just don't FEEL ANYTHING. And I'm not keen on taking a pill to remedy the side effects of the other pill - that shit is for the boids. Nope. 

While I haven't cured it 100%, at least I do know what things wake it up. 

Sunday was for wake-up calls, seeing what I don't want, and realizing that the only way to not keep having what I don't want is for ME to DO something about it. 

So, yeah ... I got up today (Monday, clearly) and decided to do something different with my world. 

You know that crazy contraption in Google called Calendar? I USED IT. 

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As if the Universe wanted to confirm my thoughts, this showed up in my YouTube feed: 

The synopsis? Get out of your head, and get into systems, and organizing. Make it visible. 

My issues with myself: 

• I make great plans in my head. They go nowhere. 
• I waste a LOT of time. A LOT. 
• I suck at STARTING new things. Those weeds are deep and tangly. I get lost in them. 
• I'm good, once I get going, at DOING the new things, but then life, or boredom, or whatever else takes over. I LET it take over. 
• I say "Fuck it" way too much. I give up. 

That's just the short list, but it's sufficient enough to make my point - I need to try something I haven't tried before because what I've done up to this point hasn't worked. 

I don't know how long this planning and structure thing will last, but all I can do is try. 

So, back to the Calendar, I made a micro map of my days: 

It is subject to change. It is flexible. But it's enough to get me off my ass, and actually getting the shit done that needs to get done that I far too easily put off. Maybe simple stuff, but if you have an ADHD brain like I do (or as the kids now say, "Neurologically divergent"), then this might be enough to keep me on the tracks. 

It's 6:30. Time to move for a minutes. 

Now it's 6:38. First round of movements complete. 

I knew, on Sunday, as I just sat like a lump, that I needed movement. I always have the perfect roadblocks in place for NOT movement - no time, don't know where to start, blahbity-blahbity-blah-blah, whatever. So, it's now a part of the day. At least five minutes, three times a day. There are approximately 15,943.8 videos on YouTube about five-minute stretching routines. Perfect. 

I realized, after only five minutes of stretching yesterday, that my shoulder, which froze up on Sunday, was nearly pain free after I got finished with the stretching. I don't have full range, but I ended with way more movement than I started with. 

I also had exponentially more energy, just from the first five minutes than I had all day Sunday. I might not be in Arizona yet and able to go outside on any given day of the year to walk around and take in the vitamin D, but for now, this will do. I have to do something. Even if I don't go to the gym (tried that, failed that) or go to the living room and work out with DDP or a DVD, I can do five minutes of stretching movements behind my desk. 

Back to planning, I have the year mapped out, roughly, in Notion (a platform we use for work). I've got overarching goals that I want to accomplish this year, and I've also got a page for general brain dumping, and smaller things to accomplish. 

This is all probably akin to those people who live and die by their daily planners. I tried that a while back (read: decades), but it just wasn't sticking. I'm at or near my computer 80-90% of the day. I am the Borg. Digital planning for the win. 

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For now, I'm not creating any 12-week, 45-day, or other time-determined set of goals. I want to see how this goes. 

We aren't meant to stay stagnant. I used to think change was bad. Now, I realize that we need change, even if we don't like it, in order to learn and keep evolving and keep living. Fear of change means staying stuck forever. That is what I do not want.